Inspiration

I woke up early this morning. I'm thinking about going back to bed. It's not like I have a lot to do anyway. I'm not working today, so I'm staying at home. I might go to the beach later if it stays nice out. As promised, I did close to nothing yesterday. I'm not having a very easy time of it, but so far, I have resisted the many temptations to pick up the phone. Maybe I should throw it in the ocean. I think one of the worst side effects of things like this is that my inspiration to accomplish things goes right out the window. I don't care about those paintings, or the writing, or the film, or the reading anymore. It doesn't matter for some reason. And once the inspiration is gone, the motivation is sure to disappear as well.

So I have no grand plans of what I should do today, even though I know there are things for me to be doing that would be relatively simple. But many of those things require talking to people, and that is something I'm not up for at the moment. This is about as close as I get.

To Do

I got through day one. The only two things I did were go to the grocery store and go to work. And today it's raining, so unless it clears up, I will be doing even less today. I woke up with a kink in the back of my neck, and that is never good. I also woke up much earlier than I wanted to; sleeping prevents me from feeling bad and going over and over everything in my mind. Not that there's anything I could have done to change things, but I guess I will always wonder how I acquired the knack for bad relationships.

Actually, there are lots of things I can do around the house, but that means I actually have to get out of bed and do them, which takes not only effort, but thought as well. And I need to stay away from the clock, because that's often where my obsessive tendencies originate.

So this is what I am definitely going to do today:
1. Watch the Deadwood episode I recorded on Sunday
2. Shower (my hair needs washing)
3. Go to work

This is what I might do today:
1. Put away groceries
2. Paint
3. Research this French film (I'm a geek, you know)
4. Work some more on that "extended fiction" I started back in January
5. Forget about everything and just go back to bed
6. e-mail the lady at Kodak

Bravery and Bad Endings

An hour ago I had these brave plans to go to the beach, and then the clouds came in. Oh well. At least I can sit by the window and enjoy the nice breeze coming in. And enjoy the constant whir of the landscaper with the leafblower outside my front door. Hopefully he is not going to "water" my plants, which actually entails drenching them with a spray that makes the dirt fly out of the pot. Sometimes I feel like he is trying to take over custody of my plants because he doesn't think I take good enough care of them. Oh well, at least they aren't children.

So I had the talk last night, and it started out well enough, but of course, ended badly. And by badly I mean that I grabbed my stuff, said have a nice life, and tried to get out of the locked door (which he had to unlock for me) and walked off. I deleted him from my phone when I got home, which is something I don't really do a whole lot of. There are still people in my phone that I haven't talked to since I moved here. That's almost 3 years for those of you keeping score at home. So the jist of the conversation was that I said I needed monogamy for this relationship to continue this way, because I feel like I deserve to be respected, and shown the same respect that I give him. And he said he couldn't do it. And I guess if there ever was one, that would be an indicator that someone really doesn't give a fuck about you, your feelings, or your health. Hence the have a nice life comment. I'm wondering if he knows that translates to don't call me anymore.

It all sounds so simple and easy, like I'm doing the best thing and I'm being strong and independent and all that stuff you're supposed to do for yourself. But the fact is that I feel like shit. I know that not talking to him is going to be excruciatingly difficult, and given my past record, will last for maybe three days before I cave. And all the things I now know are painful things to know; infinitely more painful than just having inklings. And I find myself right back where I started; wondering what is so wrong with me, why this is so hard for me, why my luck is so earth-shatteringly awful, and when someone is going to come along that actually does care about me enough to forsake all others, at least for the time being. Do I have a stamp on my forehead that says treat me like shit? or is it more like do what you want, because I'll let you? Am I really so bad? So helpless? So repetitively stupid? So hopeless?

I'm tired of this. Tired of everything. All I want is for just one thing in my life to be simple and easy. But not even going to the beach can be that way anymore. Now I have to be brave, or plan things out, or fill out a form, or put up with something to get through every part of my life. The only thing that is easy is laying in bed and watching tv. So maybe that's my new pasttime.

One Day

The talk still hasn't happened. It's supposed to very soon. And of course, everything has evaporated from the inside of my head and I'm sure I'm going to mess everything up. Not that it isn't messed up already. I know there was something about my health in there somewhere, and something about limbo too. But what's missing is the point, which I haven't forgotten, I just can't remember how to articulate it. This blows. I'm nervous. And I hate being nervious.

I wanted to make cookies eariler today, but I don't have any eggs. I really needed something sweet. If it's not the eggs, it's the milk or the butter or vegetable oil or shortening or some stupid ingredient that will most likely spoil because I don't make cookies every day and there's nothing else to make with it or I don't feel like cooking for a few days or something. So I'm stuck with no cookies. I was going to make oatmeal cookies. I'm almost out of soda, too. Maybe I'll go to the grocery store tomorrow.

So now I'm watching Groundhog Day, an existentialist film if there ever was one, and wondering what I would do with one day if that was all I had for the rest of my life. I'm going to have to think on this one. But I know I wouldn't want it to be this day.

Talk

I have to leave for work in 12 minutes, so this has to be quick. I'm sleepy too. I have an appointment to have a "serious talk" with the guy tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but I can't put it off any longer. My needs are relatively simple, and I just have to make sure he knows what they are and see if he's willing to accomodate me. I hate this crap. Why can't it just be simple? So anyway, I've been dedicating more time than I would like to thinking about exactly what I'm going to say and worrying about what he is going to say and what is going to happen after that. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. It's hard to prepare for things like this.

I have to work at 4 am tomorrow. And tonight. I'm already tired from working at 4 am this morning. I'm hoping my second wind is out there somewhere, because a nap is knocking on my door and I have to pretend like I'm not here. Wish me luck. With work and the talk. I'm going to need it.

Insomnia

I can't sleep. I've been awake for the past two hours. I know this is going to suck later. So I put on some Miles Davis, hoping it might mellow me out enough to make me sleepy. I'm not betting on it. But you never know. I made a list of things I have to do, and it ended up being longer than I thought it would be. And I need to add a couple more things to it. I also got my work schedule yesterday, and this week is going to be brutal. Four shifts that start before sunrise. And we all know what a morning person I am not, despite these odd mornings when I turn into an insomniac. I think they are trying to kill me. They got me all rested up (i.e. out of shape) and then come up with a week of torturous shifts. And the drama never stops. So I am always preoccupied with something I wish I could forget (see previous post).

I'm going to see the pro at the club this afternoon. Still looking for the answers. Among other things.

I found out yesterday that a dude at work really likes me but will never ask me out, or is going to take forever to work up the courage. I have mixed feelings about it. Because we all know the rule about dating people you work with, and I'm not sure I'm in the mood to start seeing someone new when I can't even get the old ones out of my system. I can only do one thing at a time. Still, I'm not ruling anything out. I'm just not going to try to rush into anything with a person who relies on humor and ribbing to get my attention. Plus I'm crazy, and it's only a matter of time before he figures it out like everybody else does.

Anyway, I feel kind of sick to my stomach, or hungry. I can't tell which.

Forget

I met with my adviser today and showed him my movie, and he still wants more. Fine. But I'm stressed out. And right now all I want to do is take a nap and forget about everything. And I mean everything. Forget about the movie, the job, the financial aid, the candidacy, the necklace, the writing, the paper, the reports, the paintings, the music, the practice, the parties, the boy, his issues, the props, the costumes, the passport, the social security card, the money, the price of gas, the groceries, the electric bill, the credit card bill, the phone bill, the dvr, the graduate office, the equipment, the department, the ex and his woman, the fall, August, travel, meetings, phone calls, therapy. I just want everything to go away and leave me alone. Why is it that I am more overwhelmed now than when I am working and in school? It seems like life is conspiring to make things difficult for me at a time when they should be easy. Am I really so unable to cope? Am I being a lame-o? (I hope you appreciate that) Is it just that I have too much time on my hands, and am therefore able to procrastinate and worry and stew in ways that I wouldn't be able to if I was actually busy doing stuff? Or is this the stuff that is supposed to be keeping me busy? Or is it just hard because I don't have any support?

I am also frustrated that Kodak never answered my e-mail, and I sent two. I really don't want to have to call them, because I don't know if I can spare the minutes. I've been taking care of a lot of business by phone lately. And the month just started.

But I'd really rather just forget about it.

Suck It

It seems that today is "Be Rude to Me" day, and no one bothered to tell me. I've tried to be nice and polite to people, but they all are being big jerks to me. One is the graduate office, who is completely unconcerned that because they are so slow, my financial aid is going to get messed up for next semester. They basically said, you are not a priority. Suck it. Then there was the interview lady, who said, don't you have any skills? i.e. Suck it. Then there was the camera rental guy in Colorado, who flat out refused to quote me a price on any equipment because he is convinced I'll just get it cheaper somewhere else. So he, also, essentially told me to suck it.

What gives?

Polo

I actually made it to the polo match today. Apparently, it happens every Sunday, so it might just be a new Sunday event for us. There are two great things in life: horses, and men hung like horses. And alcohol. And at least two of those things were present today. It was interesting. And I can't explain it, but there is something very soothing about touching a horse, even though he might step on my sandaled feet at any moment. After, we went and had a great greasy burger in the hippie section of town, and then I went to a friend's house to discuss the film, and then the boy called me and we talked for a while. We still need to have a face to face chat. The longer we wait the harder it gets. Because I can forget about stuff.

Tomorrow I have to work. I'm hoping for a good day. I think I'm also going to go to the organ pavilion for a free concert tomorrow night. Apparently, it's going to be opera and organ. Interesting. And the price is right. I might drop by the friend's house again to talk more about the movie, but we'll see. I'm not sure how much energy I'll have by that point.

I also have to try to straighten things out with the financial aid peeps this week. Hopefully their incompetence won't hinder my progress too much.

I'm freaking out about how much my movie is going to cost. It never seems real until you start writing checks. But it's real now. I hate being in the lowest ten percent. Don't let anyone tell you different; poverty sucks. Anyway, I hope you are doing well.

Beautiful and Depressing

Today I have nothing to do and I really wish I did. Preferably something that pays. I woke up really early this morning, so it seems like it's been a long day. And I've done close to nothing, and it looks like that's what I'll be doing for the rest of the day. I'm kind of down, but I don't think there's any one reason for it. It's just everything. The money, the job, school, the boy, the movie, blah blah blah.

I'd like to go see a polo match tomorrow, but we'll see how I feel about it then. I also need to get crackin' on these paintings and some writing and my film. I found out how much the storyboards are going to cost me, and while it is a fair price, it's still a pretty big chunk of change. More than I was prepared for. Oh well. Shoulda thought that one through a little better, I guess. Live and learn. Now I'm really scared about how much the film itself is going to cost. And processing and all that crap. Argh. Dad needs to hurry up and win the lotto. I'm on my last legs over here.

Anyway, another beautiful and depressing SoCal day.

Beeping

Today ended up being better than yesterday. Thank god. Right now I'm just getting home from work, and all is quiet except for a high pitched beeping sound coming from somewhere, and I have no idea what it is or where it is coming from. It is not inside my house. It is outside, or in a neighbor's house. It is not an alarm clock. But if it is going to continue, that could suck for me. I'm already making a list of people I can call and ask if I can stay at their house tonight. Because I can't sleep with that.

I went to work, and it's amazing how great my attitude gets when I don't have a life. The week of not work sucked for so many reasons, and I get there and people are joking around and glad to see me and so I'm happy to be there and end up having a decent time even though I have to do a little work here and there. It also helped that tonight was an easy night. And I got a big fat steak at the end of it. And all the boys want to hang out with me because I'm awesome and I can keep up with whatever is going on. But again, I only work two days in the coming week, so I'm faced with another pack of days that I will most likely get into some kind of trouble.

Man that beeping is annoying.

The Week

Yesterday was the worst day ever. I was in tears by 3:30. And when I tried to make things better, they just got worse. So I eventually decided I should just come home and give up on the day. And I fell into a deep sleep and now here I am. I have to go to work and hour early today because of Friday rush hour traffic. That sucks. Oh well. Last night I had a dream that I had a second job, but I don't know what it was. It seems like it had something to do with a pool. Maybe I was a lifeguard. And I had a dream that I was singing a song and the person playing the piano messed it up so bad I couldn't even sing along. And I dreamt that my friend's dog woke me up and then I actually did wake up.

Today I'm hoping my adviser will get in touch with me to get my crap all straightened out with financial aid, but he's been kind of a doofus lately, so who knows if he will or won't. I'm not even sure how to get in touch with him, since e-mails don't seem to work and yesterday I caught him at a phone number he didn't give me. I'm so over school beaurocracy.

So anyway, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do today that will bring me the least amount of pain and suffering, because it has been a long and terrible week and I'm tired. I just want to go to work and forget about it.

Full Day

I'm not going to get the job from yesterday. Everything went well, but they have some policy about having your degree before you can teach a certain amount and I am not going to graduate in time. They said they would keep me in mind for the spring. It's kind of a relief, actually, because if they gave me the job it would start on Monday, and that's pretty quick to come up with an entire course. And if they do actually call me in a few months, then hey, that's terrific.

I got my first ever ticket last night. For what, you ask? Wait for it.....For not wearing my seat belt. As violations go, I think that's pretty not severe. Not speeding or running a red light (although he could have given me one for not stopping "properly" at a stop sign, but he let that go), but for endangering myself when I was making a right turn in a neighborhood at the breakneck speed of 10 mph. If I was even going that fast. But officer, I wasn't actually going anywhere; I was moving my car to the alley so my friend could break into her own house! I'm going to be late for the movie! But there was no explanation, no chit chat, no didn't you see that stop sign, or do you know it's the law to wear your seat belt. He was more like a robot spouting out my "infractions" and not worrying about anything else. Oh well. I didn't really feel like explaining myself anyway. But I wonder how much this is going to cost. Would he have still given me a ticket if he knew how broke I am?

I did make it to the movie. I missed a bit of the previews, but not the movie. And after I went to a coffee house with my friends, and realized on the way there that I didn't have any cash, so they had coffee and I just sat there and talked while the people around us annoyed the crap out of me with their sheer stupidity. I also got my work schedule for next week, and there is again a severe lack of shifts in my future. Not good. Partly because I need the money, but also because giving me lots of free time could be hazardous to my health.

I'm hoping today will be better. Not that yesterday was bad, but it could have been better. I'm sending in an opera audition form, mostly just to see what happens. I saw how much tickets cost, and figured if I could be IN the show, not only would I not have to pay for tickets, they would actually pay me to be there. What's there to lose?

Interview #2 is today, and I am again faced with the dilemma of what to wear (or what NOT to wear). I'm going to try to find some time to paint, since I've been kind of slack on that, and then I'm going to the magnet high school for the film premiere(s) of the girls I taught. It's going to cost $5, which means I'm going to have to stop by an ATM today. Yep, not even five bucks in my pocket. It's pathetic.

So another full day of not working, obsessing, and running around like a crazy chicken.

Dwelling

Yesterday things were great. And I guess they still are. The shine is just wearing off. Or maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe I just keep dwelling on unrelated items. Whatever it is, I'm starting to feel a bit down. I think I need to eat something. Interview #1 was today, and I guess it went great, but I'm not going to get that job. Actually it's a bit of a relief. Sometimes I put too much pressure on myself. Interview #2 is tomorrow, and now I don't have to go in with some crazy explanation about anything, because there is nothing to explain. I just have to be me. Which is kind of scary when you think about it, but it's all I know how to do.

I've been thinking a lot about the guy, and I keep going back and forth over whether or not I should even talk to him anymore, or what I need to demand from him in order to keep my friendship. How much can you viably ask of someone who admittedly doesn't care about anything? Even if that apathy is temporary? And if you can't ask for anything, why bother giving anything? I'm guessing I'm going to have a few days to mull it over, since his week of depression (or month, rather) is quickly marching to its deepest point. He told me the other day he thinks he's dyslexic. I was surprised. And it made me wonder what else I don't know about him that will surprise me. And while that surprise doesn't change my decent opinion of him, how many secrets does he have that would change my opinion of him? Do I really know him at all? Are we really that close? Or do I know him so well, and am so close, that he makes bad choices that push me away because he is afraid?

Anyway, I'm finally going to go see the movie I've been talking about. It got a good review here, and not many movies do. But I have to get ready to go.

Nervous

I have lots of stuff to do today. Last night I even made a list so I wouldn't forget everything, but I'm not sure I even got everything on the list. It's hard to be an adult. And I don't wanna grow up. I did some work on my movie last night, which is good, but I can't seem to get anyone to call me back (not even my adviser), which is bad. It seems as thought everyone has dropped off the face of the earth all of a sudden. People who are attached to the internet at the hip are suddenly not responding to my e-mails. Did I contract a social plague?

My interview is today. I'm nervous, mostly because I'm worried that they'll think I'm an idiot and I don't know what I'm talking about. And whether or not I get this job is going to make a big difference in how the next couple months of my life go. So I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole thing anyway. Being popular can be hard, I guess. I have to take "materials", whatever that means. Does that mean I have to figure out exactly what I would show and tell for all 24 classes? Or do they just want a general idea? I feel so unprepared. But at least it will give them a chance to see my face and tell me they love me. Or not.

I'm not going to be able to go to the beach today. I'm a little sad, but not so much. I went yesterday and the day before, and my back is a bit scratchy because I think I got a little too much sun yesterday. I think I'm going to start going later in the day when it's not so hot. It would be nice if I had friends that could go with me, but alas, I don't.

Anyway, my other big dilemma is trying to figure out what I'm going to wear to this interview. I have to look smart (good thing I wear glasses, eh?) and all that, but it's so hot outside and I don't want to melt. I have the velvet pants that always look good, but I also have the pinstripe pants that are nice and light. I just don't have a top that works. Everything is either too hot or not professional. Would it be bad to wear a tube top to an interview? Even if it's pretty? What about a tank top? Even if it's made of silk? And my skirts are either too bohemian or too short or too funky. I'm seriously going to have to put some thought into this, because I don't function well when I'm uncomfortable, whether it's physical or emotional discomfort.

Wish me luck.

It's Hot

Remember how I said when it rains it pours? Well, when the sun is shining, it sure gets hot fast. Today I started doing some much needed research, and out of the blue, a company called me for an interview. I saw a job posting on Monster and sent them a resume yesterday, and this morning they called. And then a community college sent me an e-mail asking me if I was still interested in teaching there, because they had kept my resume on file FOR A YEAR. And of course I'm interested. So that interview is tomorrow. And then some dude I met a couple of weeks ago reminded me he wanted to read my script for my film, which is a surprise, since no one really says that and means it.

So now I'm finding that there is so much going on that I'm not sure if I can keep up, and if I am offered both jobs, I will have to make a choice since they would conflict with each other. And on one hand, I would be teaching, which is what I want to do, but the other job would most likely provide me with a more comfortable living than I am accustomed to having, plus it is just down the street so I could walk there. The college is thirty minutes away. By Pendleton. So it might end up being a bit of a predicament, but it also might end up being nothing at all. I'll also have to prepare myself for this interview tomorrow, since they'll want to see that I know what I'm talking about and see a syllabus and all. And the course starts on Monday. So I guess I'm spinning just a bit from all the activity of the past few hours, which all came out of nowhere.

And here I thought I was going to have a quiet week.

Up Early

I'm up early. Don't ask why. Maybe I'll tell you later. But I think I'm going to try to stay up and get some things done. It's times like these I wish I were a coffee drinker. Oh well. I had some hot tea. Maybe that will do something. I have lots of "administrative" stuff to do. Phone calls and the like. I also need to look for money for my film. Who knows how long that is going to take. I think I'm also going to bite the bullet and go to the grocery store. I was going to try to wait until my next paycheck, but it's driving me crazy that I don't have any bread. For some reason, I've been craving various forms of toast for the past week.

So today's objective is to get my financial aid back. I'm not sure how that's going to go. I do know that it's a process that takes a while, so I won't even know until it's almost time to register. That blows. It looks like it's going to be another beautiful day out here. I'm hoping to get most of this stuff done before I go to the beach, which won't be for at least a few hours. I usually put this stuff off until evening, but lately I have found that my productivity in the evening is sketchy at best. So it's a good thing for me to be up early instead of sleeping.

I also need to get that knitting thing done. And I'd like to write something, since I've got a couple of things I started and never finished. I hate having things unfinished.

Anyway, that's the morning update. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake.

It's Pouring

It seems like when it rains, it pours. I've been freaking out about my financial status, and now today I get a nasty note from school saying that they're dropping my financial aid for next semester. Their reason? I've been there too long. Now I have to go through this annoying and troubling application process in order to appeal the whole thing, which could take up to a month for them to approve, and hope that my financial aid package isn't screwed up in the process. Specifically, I don't want to lose the grant that was awarded a month ago, and it isn't all that far fetched that the school would fuck up something like that and then it would be gone forever. What a bunch of a-holes. So, my blood pressure just went up about twenty points, and that job is starting to look better and better.

Bored?

Bored at work? Then I'll write something to entertain you. I just got back from the beach. It's beautiful out, if only a bit on the hot side. I spent a portion of my morning worrying about my finances; trying to fix my student loan issues and looking for a possible job that might be worth having on a more long term basis. There's not much out there for a genius with no real skills. I'll keep looking, though.

I'm thinking about going to see a movie tonight, but I kind of don't want to, just because gas is so expensive and all. That's lame, but when you're only working a couple of days a week, it starts to matter. I do have a gift certificate to the theater, so I can kind of justify it that way. I haven't decided yet, though.

I think they are tarring the roof of the high school where I live. The smell comes through the window when there's a breeze, and it makes my house smell like smelly man feet. It's gross, and there's not much I can do about it except try to keep this place aired out as much as possible. Man feet, in case you didn't know, is one of the grossest smells there is.

Anyway, that's about it. I don't have much else to chat about in this kind of forum today. Maybe something will come up later.

Stuck

And so you're back...From outer space? Yes, that's random, but it's late so cut me some slack. So I'm freaking out about my film because everything seems so complicated and I still don't know how to pay for all of it (or really any of it) and there's no one here to watch my back and make sure I don't forget anything. So I'm stuck. Like always, I guess.

P.S. I'm still expecting a full report.

Talk

Sometimes I say the darndest things. You know that scene in Liar Liar where Jim Carrey says "I've had better" and then keeps repeating it to himself later because he can't believe he said it out loud? Well, that's what I do sometimes. And today, it was "You could stay here, if you weren't such a tool." I don't know where it came from or why I said it, because I didn't even think about it. It just came out. And there was nothing malicious about it, but it still came out. And I doubt I hurt his feelings or made him mad or anything, but I was surprised at myself for saying something so, well, snotty. Usually I plan those things out, and I don't normally say them so soon after the shit hits the fan. But I say oh well. He kind of deserves it.

So next subject. Yesterday I called a friend of mine because I was upset and crying and then I said something she didn't like (something that doesn't have anything to do with her, by the way) and she proceeded to spend the next thirty minutes chewing my ass up one side and down the other. And I was still crying and didn't say anything because if I tried to stick up for myself she would just keep going and never stop and I didn't feel like dealing with it. So why is it that your friends feel they should judge you when you don't do what they want you to do? Yes, their advice is well meaning and probably the best thing for you, but in the end, you do what you think is best and just roll with it. Because that's all you really can do. And then it all compounds into a vicious cycle where you don't want to talk to your friends because they yell at you and they yell at you because you don't tell them things and before you know it you don't have any friends at all. And how do you tell a friend to shut the fuck up? That being chewed out does even less for your self-esteem than whatever jerk dude what messing up your self-esteem in the first place?

Just the thoughts of the day.

P.S. Where are you???

Picture of the Day: The Cat Who Scared The Bear

This is pretty cool.

People Suck

Some people just suck. They can't help it, they just do. Others suck and they know it because they are complete jerks. Today I'll start with the former. I worked tonight. A birthday party. And there was lots of expensive alcohol (the beverage list was actually called x-rated beverages), a cake that costs well over a months rent for me (almost two months, actually), and a heaping helping of So Cal's collagen and silicon buyers (who probably, going by how they were dressed, each own at least one pair of clear heels). And of course, there was the DJ and an ice sculpture (aka the "martini luge"), and a very bright and garish color theme and colored lights and the whole nine birthday yards. Now guess the age of the birthday girl...wait for it....

She's 8. Yup. 8. She wouldn't let us cut the cake until she had finished making her wish, which seemed to take forEVER, and she squealed in terror when he starting cutting it before she was ready (it reminded me of the scene in "Splash" were she breaks all the tv's). As if that kid isn't going to get whatever it is she wishes for. But what, pray tell, does the kid who literally has everything wish for? A good therapist when she's 15? Big boobs like mommy's? World peace? Anyway, it was definitely one of the most surreal parties I've seen.

And then there are people who are such complete jerks, it simply boggles the mind as to how they became so nasty. And they tell you how much they care about you and how they never want to hurt you and then they do something that is so fucking mean that they didn't have to do, you feel like you're being attacked. And I want to scream and yell but I know that when he is doing these things, he is making a point of showing me how little he cares about my feelings, which means that anything I have to say will fall on deaf ears and he will continue to be a complete asshole. Because he can. And because he doesn't care about me. So fuck him. And pray he never tries to pretend to be my friend again. Because I won't forget.

The Party

Last night I got dressed up to go to a lesbian birthday party with a girlfriend of mine. It was interesting. I wore my skating dress (its debut) and put my hair up cute and everything. Then she picked me up and we trekked downtown and miraculously found a parking space a block away, even with a Padre game going on. And we were early, so we sat in the bar and had a glass of wine and talked about her problems instead of mine for a change. We finally sat down when everyone got there; a gaggle of forty-ish lesbians with partners in tow. Pantsuits and spiked hair galore.

We started with big plates of sushi and edamame, then moved to BBQ pork ribs and lamb. Odd choices, I thought, but whatever. I even ate the lamb like a good girl. I must say it felt weird to be the only one ogling the bartender, who wasn't that cute, but was the only thing to ogle in the room. And I also think it was weird that they didn't serve any kind of dessert, but the champagne toast was a nice substitute.

I discovered that when I went to the restroom, the gaggle of lesbians started asking my friend if I was her girlfriend and giving her kudos on her exquisite taste in women (actually, I'm just imagining that part, but how could it not be true???) and she said no, I'm just a friend. She divulged this information to me, and I said, don't they know you don't dive? And there was a pause and she said, well, actually..... So I said, well you can tell them that I don't dive then. And I laughed. And she apologized to me because she was afraid I would be mad that her door swings both ways and she didn't tell me right away. And I said, you're not coming on to me are you? And she said no and I said, then why would I be mad? I don't care what you do or who you do it with. Apparently she was really worried about it, because she kept apologizing about it. I assured her I have been asked to pretend I was the girlfriend of an actual lesbian in the past, so this was nothing. Besides, I was having fun.

Yes, there was a moment last night when I looked around the room at all these strangers who were laughing and drinking and eating and realized I was too. I was happy and I was having a good time. And I was glad I got dressed up and came to this dinner. And the one guy in the room (gay, of course) was sitting next to me and I seem to have a knack for clicking with gay guys. And then about thirty minutes later, the feeling was gone. I was tired and bored and sad and all I wanted to do was go home, but I was still trying to hide it because my friend was having a good time talking to people. We went over to the dance club part of the restaurant, with its thumping music and beams of light in green and purple and blue. And there were two dancers (as in pros, not lesbians with no rhythm), which was something I haven't ever really seen before. They were dancers in the vein of strippers, but without the poles and with the clothes. Holy shit, I thought. They were wearing hardly anything and grinding against nothing and I had to admit I was impressed. I wondered how much they got paid and how you get a job like that. Do they get breaks? Tips? Phone numbers? And where did they get those outfits? I was meserized enough to stand there and be content, but when the amateurs started dancing, I was no longer interested, and wanted to go home again. And we came home.

I laid in bed for a few minutes, thinking about how sucky it is that I should be sad when I'm at something so happy and fun and that I wish I could just forget everything and enjoy myself for once. But I couldn't this time. I suppose all I can hope for is better luck next time.

Today

I'm awake, but I'm still tired. I think I'm going back to bed after I'm done with this. Last night I went to see a girlfriend and we talked until very late about my problems and I still feel like I'm not any wiser than I was before. Not because she didn't have helpful things to say, but because the whole situation has created conflicting feelings for me and I'm not sure which way I want to go from here.

She and I are going out tonight to some party where I will be her fake lesbian date. A room full of forty year old lesbians. It should be interesting, with wall to wall pant-suits. I for one, will be looking cute in the brown and gold dress I bought in January and haven't had occasion to wear yet. Or maybe the skating outfit, because I don't care if they think I'm peculiarly dressed. They're lesbians, so their fashion sense is a bit skewed anyway. And my friend will love whatever I wear, because this is the girl who wears furry boots to an art opening.

I also go to see the pro today, and hopefully she'll be able to fix my serve and my backhand. Especially the backhand, because lately it's gotten pretty weak and sloppy. It used to be so much better. What happened to me?

I'm also wondering what happened to you, since I've e-mailed you and called you and you haven't answered. Hello? You never call, you never write....And I can't remember when the wedding is. This weekend? Because I'm expecting a full report. And take your camera so I can see pictures! I want to see you know who and Mr. Perfect and hear the tales that accompany them.

Keep it real.

Grip

Tomorrow I don't have to work. But I have some stuff to do. Yesterday was the longest day of work ever. I was tired. I still am. I'm also gripped by the irritation of everything that has happened this week and how I have no choice but to grit my teeth and stay bitchy about it because I don't want people to get the impression that I can be abused and trampled; that there are no consequences for bad behavior. I'm not terribly good at being angry at people I care about, and I don't like fighting about things that may not have a solution. So here I am. Staying away from the phone, trying to occupy my time with things that keep my mind as busy as possible. Wish me luck.

At My House

So home boy showed up at my house today to return a dish I had left at his house the other night. He showed up unanounced, merely calling me when he was standing outside my door, which took me a minute to figure out. He just said "I have your dish" and I had to figure it out from there. I paused for a long moment while I was trying to figure out why he was giving me information I already knew, and then he said "I'll just leave it outside" and it all became clear. No No No, I'll open the door. And he wasn't sure if he should come in because of everything and because I didn't say Please, come in, so he stood outside in the dark before he figured out that he could come in and I wouldn't be upset. So he came in, had a soda, and sat and we chatted for a while, and I kept wondering if there was something I wasn't getting. Something I should be saying or doing, because I felt incredibly awkward, and was still wondering why he didn't call before he came over. Was he afraid I would tell him to fuck off? (wouldn't I have done it already if I was going to?) It's not like him to just show up at my house. Usually I have to beg him to come over. Well, not beg exactly, but it's usually my idea.

So anyway, we chatted for about twenty or thirty minutes, and I wanted to ask him if he wanted to take a shower while he was here because he looked very tired still in his work clothes and because it's sort of a habit. But I resisted because I knew he would say no and I also knew there are implications associated with showering at my house. So I let him sit there in his sweaty clothes until we ran out of subjects to chat about and I asked him if there was anything else he wanted to say and he said no. And I was a bit disappointed because I have stuff to say but I don't want to be the one to start it and I'm not sure if I have my thoughts completely sorted out anyway. And I don't want to make things worse than they already are.

I didn't tell him that two of my closest friends chewed me out today for speaking to him yesterday, and that both of them have threatened to retaliate on my behalf by introducing their stilletos to the netherregions of his groin area. And I find myself stuck again between this person and my friends, because I know they mean well, but I also know I am unable to follow their advice, which means I have to either keep the truth from them or be continually berated for making bad choices, with our conversations ending with "I told you so" more often than I would like.

So as it stands, I am no less confused than I was yesterday or Sunday or Saturday or last week or last month, but now I have new drama to talk about.

No Sun

I didn't see the sun at all today. And I've become so soft, I didn't want to venture out in such "bad weather". So I have essentially done nothing all day. Shower, watch tv, read, nap, talk on the phone, play on the internet. That's been my day. Is this what peoples' lives are like? A whole lotta nuthin? It seems like there should be more going on, but sadly, I have nothing to do and few to talk about it to. And I have small dilemmas that occupy my time. Like where can I find a large glass jar with a lid on it? How many days will it take to shoot my film? Why do my feet feel sticky even though I just washed them? How long will it take to cook this baked potato? Is it indulgent to bathe more than once a day? How long can meat be left in the fridge before it goes bad?

Anyway, tomorrow I go back to work, and I already know it's going to be a hectic day. And Thursday will probably be the same. I don't really want to go, but I also do want to go, partially because I really need the money and partially because I just like having people around to joke with, which is basically all we do anyway. In between the heavy lifting.

The pro at the club called me today and we rescheduled, which was a relief. As always, I'm hoping she has some magical answer to all my problems and my life will be miraculously fixed. Which it never is, but I can always hope. At the very least, she may be able to shed some light on why I keep getting so screwed by the people I care about.

But for tonight, I'm going to let my potato cook, pan-fry a steak, and watch some tv.

Problem Not Solved

He called me yesterday and we talked for over three hours. And at that time I felt a little bit better about things because he agreed that he had acted like a total asshole and he was completely wrong (it's not often you hear that from a guy) and apologized profusely and didn't even try to make any excuses for his bad behavior. Except that he wasn't thinking. Duh.

But for some reason, today I still find myself feeling sad and I don't exactly know why. Maybe I just need some more time to let it all go. Maybe it will never go away. Maybe I'm finally seeing things as they are instead of how I want them to be. Maybe things never change. Or maybe they can only get worse. And I'm scared that this is going to be just another series of awful experiences strung together until I say enough. And my tolerance for pain is not terribly high at the moment.

I was ready to never speak to him again. I almost deleted him from my phone. I was mentally saying goodbye to all the things we had planned to do together at some point, to all the things I wanted to do with him. I had already started to switch to depressed single girl mode (although I'm not sure I ever switched out of it). I was preparing myself for the worst case scenario, and then he called, and I feel like I'm still preparing myself for the worst. And maybe I am because I am starting to realize things now that make my friendship/relationship with him so much more complicated than I ever thought it was, and I am skeptical that it will ever be simple. Or that it will ever be painless. Or that he will ever understand what he is doing or how I feel. And I wonder if I'll ever be able to be a normal person. Because I really wish I was.

The Week Ahead

I hate it when I don't feel good. Right now I feel sick and yucky. My stomach hurts, and I keep going back and forth between being really cold and really hot. I spent at least an hour on my bathroom floor today because the tiles are cool. I took a bath and almost fainted because it suddenly became too hot. I am fucked up.

On top of this, I know that there are lots of things I need to accomplish in the near future and I don't feel like even thinking about them but I know I don't have a choice in the matter. I keep thinking why do these things keep happening to me, and then I think I must be one of those people who thinks that things just keep happening to them even though they just keep doing stupid things that make things happen to them. If that makes any sense. But I try really hard to be nice to people and help them when they need it and be supportive and positive and all that, and then I get nothing back. Not from those people, not from other people, not from the universe. It starts to feel like I'm cursed. But I keep trying to tell myself that isn't the case because I don't want to fall into the pit of negativity again. I want to feel better. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and want me to be happy and will stop at nothing to make sure I get it. People who will bend over backwards for me and people who think the world of me and people who take pleasure in doing nice things for me because I always appreciate it and pay it back in kind. I just want to feel happy again. But let it be for real. And for a long time.

I have to work in the morning and I'm actually kind of relieved. At work there are people that seem to be happy to see me and can joke with me even though our job essentially sucks and we can laugh at all the stupid people and tell stupid funny stories and maybe I'll be able to forget how bad I feel long enough to eat something instead of wasting away like I am often wont to do when I'm unhappy. Tuesday I have some of my own work to do, then I go to work Wednesday and Thursday and hopefully on Friday I will be able to go see the pro at the club and beg her to fix me because I am one sick puppy who has just been taking placebos for the past few months.

My friend should be coming back from Vegas tomorrow, but I don't know when, and I hope she calls me because I really need someone here to talk to and cry to and make me feel better because right now everyone is so far away and can't help me. So anyway, I guess that's it.

Hopefully you are getting some rest from your hectic weekend. Have I ever mentioned that I admire you for donating your time so generously for the S.O.'s?

Morals

So I guess there are a few morals one could learn from the story of this weekend:

Never trust anyone.
Never have expectations, because then you can't be disappointed.
Don't stick your neck out; it will only get chopped off.
You can't get ahead.


I'm sure there are more, but right now I'm coming up blank. I had a whole bunch earlier. So, working backwards, I've felt sick to my stomach all day, and didn't sleep hardly at all last night, bawled in my bed and my car, left a party somewhat abruptly and non-gracefully. All because Drunkie was there and he was there and they were kissing and pawing each other right in front of me and I realized how thoroughly I'd been duped and wondered how long he has been lying to me. It was so humiliating to feel so stupid, and only he and I apparently know what's going on. All this time I thought he was so nice and sweet and it turns out that he's thoughtless, cruel, callous, insensitive, and above all, he's just like the last one. A liar who used me. What was he thinking? Not just yesterday, but a month ago, and a month before that? And if I had confronted him about it, what would he have to say for himself? But I couldn't because I was unsure if what would spring forth from my mouth would be sad and pathetic or angry and mean, and I like to know before I start talking if mean me is going to make an appearance.

And there are parts of me that I hate because I feel so awful and I'm upset that I'm so upset. I should have been more on my guard. I had no reason to trust him, and yet I did it anyway. And I'm so angry and sad, and yet I'm still sitting here wondering if he's going to call me and wondering how long he'll wait before he does. Will it be today? Tomorrow? Three days? Never? Somehow it feels like a carefully orchestrated scenario so he could rid himself of me. And I played into it, and voila, he has rid himself. but he could have just told me. It would have been a lot less cruel and painful and would've gotten the same result.

So it seems that I'm back where I started. Embittered, faithless, unconsolable, disillusioned, hopeless. So much for progress. Now I am back at square one.

The Weekend

Ahh, the weekend. A leisurely two days that I am going to fill with random activities I haven't thought of yet. It should be interesting at the very least. I got my tickets yesterday, so that is good. First row, balcony, center. I'm thinking they'll be good seats. Sometimes buying tickets on the internet is frustrating, because it doesn't tell you all the seats that are available. It's just a lottery of whatever the computer wants to give you, and I'm sorry, but the far side in the back of the balcony is not going to be my first choice, even though the computer thinks it is. Just show me the available seats and let me pick. That would be so much easier. Duh.

Today I think I really am going to the beach. It is beautiful outside. I have been planning on going since I got back and somehow something always interferes with my plans. But today I think for sure I am going to go. Unless I decide to take some pictures for my movie, which I really need to do this weekend.

I'm going to the shindig tonight. We'll see how it goes. I haven't been to something like this in a long time (like my sophomore year of college, when I went to shindigs because I was too young to go to bars), but I'm imagining that it will be fun. It better be. You'll hear about it if it's not.

Ants are starting to annoy me. They are getting into my house somehow and I haven't been able to figure out how/where. There's still not enough of them to declare it an infestation, with long trails of little bodies tramping through the house, but there are enough to annoy me and make me wonder if an infestation is coming. My mom said that when she finds ants, she scoops them up and puts them outside. I'm not quite that forgiving. I'm wondering if they all come in at the same place. Stupid ants.

I guess that's it.

Not Worry

Suddenly my computer is moving at a snail's pace and I don't know why. It's annoying. Why am I spending all this money on broadband? Speaking of money, it seems to be haunting me of late. My loans are all messed up, and I'm worried that they won't be able or willing to fix it. I'm also worried that I'll never be able to pay them back in this lifetime, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to think that. Where oh where is my trust fund???

I'm feeling a little better than yesterday, but I'm still a little depressed. I need to go do laundry and I don't want to. I don't really want to do much of anything. I want to go to the beach, which I think I'll do after laundry.

I made myself some dinner last night and it wasn't very good. I don't know why. It was still edible. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood, because I didn't eat very much of it. I keep thinking I should have a beer because there's some in the fridge, but I know it would turn into a few beers and the next thing you know I would be tipsy before noon, and that's something I generally try to avoid.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I'm assuming it's because I was stressed and depressed, and I don't know why I'm so worried about my loans. There's nothing I can do about them now. Kind of like everything else, it would seem. So today I'm going to make an attempt to have a good day and not worry about things I can't do anything about. Which is pretty much everything.

Funk or Fabulous

This is the third time I've tried to write something. The program keeps shutting me down after about three sentences, and I'm starting to get angry in addition to my not-so-hot mood I've had since this afternoon. I've tried to improve my mood, but so far, nothing has worked. Watching Sex and the City, Family Guy, Ben & Jerry's, and a sunset have done nothing. Telling myself that this will go away and soon I will feel just fine and fabulous like I did yesterday has not helped either. It never ceases to amaze me how vulnerable I am to other people's moods, and how sensitive I can be to their carelessness. And it seems like they become careless at the very moment that I think they can't get any better than they already are. And so the image becomes shattered. And now I find myself halfway between anger and hurt, trying to tell myself so many things to make myself feel better that I can't even keep them all straight. So much for positive thinking.

Now I'm thinking about taking a hot bath, but I'm a bit skeptical that it will help anything. I think about reading, but when I'm distracted, I can't. I try thinking about my film, but I run out of things to think about, or I just get frustrated at the whole mess and forget about it. This is the annoying restlessness that lack of confidence brings about. I feel so completely unable to do anything about it, but I desperately want to find something to make me feel better. And tomorrow is my last free day before going back to work instead of going to a party that I haven't been able to decline yet. And for some reason, I feel like I'm the jerk. Oh well.

But now I'm stubborn and I don't want to do anything except sit here and be selfish and think about myself. Indulge myself. So help me think it all day long: I'm fabulous. I'm so fabulous I puke glitter.

Summer Vacation

It is now officially my summer vacation, and boy is it sweet. I realized yesterday how nice it is going to be to not have any homework for a long time, and just be able to do what I want instead of what I have to do. My schedule feels wide open, even though I'm going to be working. That is the only thing I have to do. And my movie. I can do lots of reading and writing and painting and laying around and watching movies and going to movies and it will be great because I can do most of it whenever the mood strikes me. Maybe I'll even do some cooking, which is a skill I've been honing from time to time since I moved.

I was going to go to the beach today, but "June Gloom" has descended upon LJ, and it is warm and cloudy at the moment. There is always the possibility it will clear up, but who knows when that will be. I also told a friend I would take her to the airport today, which is the least I can do since someone did it for me so recently. I may see a movie tonight or tomorrow. Or I might wait until next week.

I have to change my appointment with the pro at the club today, since my work schedule is a series of lazy mornings instead of hyperactive nights or butt-crack early cranky mornings. They definitely know me over there. I finished a novel this morning, and today I'm going to pick out a new one. Pearl Buck's The Good Earth perhaps, or Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart. I also have a book written by an Eastern Indian woman, and it sounds intriguing. I can't recall at the moment what her name is or the title of the book. Anyway, I have a stash of books I bought last summer, and now I finally have some time to read them. Super.