Home Again

I made it home. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed out. And now I have to go back to the rest of my life that I left behind, which includes various men, jobs, and school. They make filmmaking sound easy. I almost wrecked in the middle of nowhere, Utah, because of an enormous tire tread in the middle of the lane. No bueno for me and the truck, but I managed to miss it and not roll over.

It feels good to be in my own home, and I'm excited about sleeping in my own bed tonight. Still no word from Boy B, who has now left two of my calls unreturned. I guess that would be a hint, once you factor in the three consecutive nights he ditched me before I left town. Kid A, on the other hand, has been very chatty with me, and I talked to him three times today. Something's up with him, but I haven't figured out what yet. Dr. Evil is still invisible, as I have not seen him since May, which is very good. I know my time will come, though, because campus is a small enough place, and I am in a small enough department. It is only a matter of time, so I'm trying to work out the various scenarios, in which I either strangle him or knee him in the nuts.

My confession for the day is that I've returned to town a bit smitten with my cinematographer, but confident that nothing will ever materialize because he has a girlfriend, lives 100 miles away, is ridiculously busy, has a professional relationship with me, and most likely doesn't date white bread chicks like me anyway. Still, he's a sweetheart and I learned a lot about him this past week that makes him all the more endearing. Oh well. Most likely, I will never mention this again. But you never know, because you know me.

Tomorrow I get to finish up the film stuff; taking the equipment back, then the rental car, then driving to LA to have the film developed. Ugh. I hate driving to LA, and it would be so much more enjoyable if someone could go with me, but of course no one can so I'm flying solo. Again. Great.

Anyway, I'll put more on the other blog when I get a chance. We got lots of cool pictures. Now I'm going to go take a bath and go to bed.

24 hours

It's 24 hours until take-off, and today is last minute errands. I've been trying to rest up the last couple of days, and today I'm feeling a little calmer than I have. I guess because at this point, there's not much else I can do about anything. If it's not going to happen, it's just not going to happen. I'm excited to see my family and let them see what I've been doing for the past three years, but it's also going to be stressful and full of surprises, both pleasant and not so pleasant. We'll see.

This morning I'm struck with an odd sadness, because with all this excitement going on, I really have no one to share it with. No one that says great job, girlie, that's why I picked you. And I feel like I'm faking my way through just about every relationship in my life, saying just enough to keep people on my side. Is that wrong? It just really sucks sometimes when there's not that person that is there and you can curl up and he'll hold you and tell you everything is going to be fine. Because without that, I always have to keep the game face on and hope that no one notices when the cracks start to show.

I laid awake for a long time last night thinking about the boys in my life, wondering why it never can be normal. Boy B started out normal, and then he became flaky and lacadaisical and noncomittal and hasn't bothered to lend me any moral support. I suppose it's a sad realization that he's not really interested enough for a relationship. I'm just periphery. And Kid A is supportive, but brings other girls around to keep a barrier between us, so I have mixed feelings about that whole situation. I like the support, but not the barrier. Fuck why is this so hard all the time? I was kind of liking the whole normal thing. And I'm too tired to work at abnormal things.

Anyway, I guess that's about the size of things at the moment.

Sigh.

I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. On top of that, I may have tendonitis in my finger (wtf?) and may also have a fracture in my rib. Isn't that great? And of course, they are both things that you can't really do anything about; you just have to wait for them to heal and be careful.

I broke down crying twice this morning because I am being crushed from the stress of my film. Luckily, there is at least one person around to listen to me vent when I'm abandoned by my family and friends when I need them most.

I'm actually glad this party is over now, because I really need to concentrate on the film and how everything is going to work out. I know I'm a bit kooky, but I confess I lit my mantra candles (I don't know if that's really what they're called, but that's what I'm calling them). They have these little silver squares on the side of them with a word engraved in it. So tonight after the party I took a hot bath and lit the "joy", "luck", and "success" candles. Those are three things I really need right now, so I guess it couldn't hurt.

We all know I need a little luck and success for this film to work out, but I must say that I got a little sad at the party. Part of the reason was because I was so dead tired from the week and work and the neverending task that is filmmaking. This is the first day I've had to just sit around and let other people do the work for me, which is a nice feeling. The other reason is the boys, which is also a neverending saga of ridiculousness and dead ends. Boy B (whose birthday was today) didn't bother to show up or call, which pretty much tells me he isn't all that into me. He knows how important this is to me, and he skipped it. Yesterday he said he might watch golf on tv instead, and I thought he was kidding. Guess not. So, long story short, I think it's pretty much over with him, since I don't have the time or energy to hash anything out with him, and frankly, I'm not emotionally attached enough to work at it. I'm tired of making it work. He needs to do it for once. I'm not really angry at him (again, not enough emotional involvement, plus, I really can't spare the energy). I just don't feel like making any sort of overtures to show him I like him. The fact that I invited him into my life should be enough proof. Oh well.

Kid A did show up, with the flavor of the month in tow. I knew ahead of time that he would be bringing her, and I must say, I'm the hottest chick he's dated in a while. (If you could even call it dating, but you know what I mean) She seemed nice enough, but she was a little weird and her Frenchness was somehow annoying. I don't know why. For some reason, I just felt obligated to tell her how much I loved Paris, and then got annoyed when she said how much French people think artists are weird. Kid A seemed well enough, and even though I would have preferred it if he had not brought the girl, I was glad he showed up and stayed for pretty much the whole time. I guess that's something. He's also in charge of taking care of my plants and mail while I'm gone, so I can't really be mad. And I'm not. Again, not enough energy to be mad. I just wish he would come to his senses and realize that there is no one better for him than me. Sigh. I'm really tired.

Movie Craze

I think I'm going crazy. When I'm not working on the movie, I feel guilty. Last night I had dreams about my movie, or more precisely, about the film stock we've been talking about for over two weeks. And this morning, the first thought out of my waking head was the drive to Colorado with all that expensive stuff in the car. It's nervewracking. Add to that the party I'm having on Sunday to try to raise some money, and so far only seven people (including and my producers) have said they would attend. I was hoping for more than that. So now I'm starting to panic. Because my credit card is in for a tough winter if I don't get any help soon. My cell phone is already starting to melt, and I'm not looking forward to the horrendous bill I'll be getting very soon. Why does everything have to be in LA? And out of my network? Meanwhile, I'm working every day at work, and they pay crap, so I'm just barely scraping enough together to pay the rent, if that. If they paid me two dollars more an hour, that would be sweet, because then I'd get a little financial breathing room. But they don't, so I have to hold my breath all month. I'm hoping Dad will come through and slide me some cash while I'm out there. Because I'm getting down to the nitty gritty of everything, and I haven't even had a chance to think about school yet. And it will be in full swing when I get back from CO.

And then it all starts over.

Movie Work

I always think I am going to take my days off and relax, but it never seems to work out. Not completely, anyway. I wanted to go to the beach yesterday, but I got caught up doing work for my film, and the next thing I knew, it was 4:00. So relaxing ended up being watching Deadwood, then going to the art store to buy half price canvas, then going to my girlfriend's house to eat finger food and drink wine. I woke up before 7 this morning, unable to go back to sleep, because I started thinking about all the stuff I still have to do before our fundraising party on Sunday, and all the stuff I need to get done for the trip to Colorado. It seems like it's neverending.

My girlfriend apologized to me yesterday for not being as helpful as she originally promised she'd be, and I told her it was ok. And in a way it is, because I came to the realization long ago that no one is going to go all out for my project except for me, but I was glad she acknowledged her neglect. If only everyone did.

Anyway, I've posted a thing about the art show on the end credits blog, so you should check it out if you get a chance.

Back to movie work.

Interview with a Crazy Person

I tried to figure out how to link to my interview in the paper, but it didn't happen. If you want to try it, it's www.lajollalight.com. Nothing came up for me except a "best of" survery. Anyway, today is the big day, so we'll see how it goes. See who shows up, who doesn't, and how everyone likes my work. I invited the pro at the club, so it will be interesting to see if she shows up. Kid A I think is busy, but Boy B is coming. And my work people. And some other people I kind of know, but a lot of them are maybe's. I'm hoping Dr. Evil doesn't show up, because that would be some major drama. Hopefully he has enough sense to stay home. I think he's been trying to call me lately, but I'm not sure. Jerk.

The movie is still making me crazy, but the worst of it is over (I think) until we actually go to Colorado. Now maybe I'll be able to breathe a little bit. G girl told me last night her work might not let her come with me. That was news I definitely didn't want to hear, but the only thing I can do is hope for the best. That's all I can do with any of it. Now that the organization is starting to be done, I can focus on how we're actually going to shoot this thing. And how we're going to pay for it. Ugh.

Oddly enough, you can call me during the day while I'm at work. Mornings are especially good (like before 10 my time). I might not be able to answer, but I could at least call you back and we could chat for a few minutes. Sundays & Mondays are good since I'm off, but there's the possibility I might be on a date with Boy B, so who knows. Monday might be better. When's a good time to call you?

I don't know how he would feel about seeing Ani for his birthday. I already have tickets for September, which is the day after my birthday, but his is August 20, so that's a month wait for him. I really don't know what to do. I think he really likes me (scary thought), even though he's pretty nonchalant about it. He's kind of goofy, but mostly normal so far. I'm thinking he's got something he's hiding really well, but I'll wait until he unveils it to panic. Criminal record? Drug habit? Mommy issues?

Anyway, I think that's about it for now. Wish me luck. I'll try to take some pictures so you can see!

Soon

The movie is killing me. It's going to break me in half and throw me in the river. So is my job-the one that doesn't pay me nearly enough. My art show is this Friday, and I've been telling everyone I know and everyone I don't know about it. The local paper called me and interviewed me, and when it came out this week, I was in it. How's that for stardom? Anyway, that's pretty exciting, and a whole hell of a lot easier than the movie crap. Right now I'm just ready for it to be over, but it won't be for another month. Actually two, but the hardest part is this month. I feel like I've become Jan Brady, signing up for all the clubs so I don't ever have any spare time for myself. Between work, the art, the movie, the boy, the other boy, G girl, my nutty girlfriend (who called me bawling and screaming last night), and school, I don't have time to even lay down, much less relax. I keep telling myself soon, soon.

Boy B's birthday is the 20th. Any ideas on what you get/do for someone you've only dated for a few weeks? Dinner? How much do I spend? What kind of gift? I'm not sure he even cares, since I asked him what he was doing for his birthday and he said I don't know, probably nothing, since I can't afford to go to Vegas.

Kid A's birthday is the 28th (I'm into those close birthdays, aren't I?). I told him I was going to be out of town for his birthday but we could celebrate it when I come back and he said ok, but then he couldn't remember how old he is, which is odd, but typical of his mental state.

I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do for my birthday, mostly because I'm not sure I'll be alive after all this movie stuff, but also because I know I'll be broke if I'm not dead. It would be nice to go to Napa, but clearly that's not going to happen. I'll have to save that for next year, when I'm (hopefully) done with school. I know I'm going to see Ani on the 22nd, which will be cool. I haven't decided who I'm going to take yet. Last time I took Dr. Evil and he loved it, but I'm obviously not going to ask him to go. I thought I'd ask one of the boys, but I'm not sure if they'd have a good time. Maybe one of the gals, but I'm not sure if they like her either. Why do so few people listen to music out here???

Anyway, gotta be at work soon. Everything is coming up soon.

PBS?

Last night I ambushed Kid A armed with a peace offerring. I'm not sure what he thought when he saw me, but I was shaking and I was afraid he was going to throw me out or slam the door in my face. But he didn't, and we talked for a couple hours. And eventually I stopped shaking and we were talking like we used to and I told him lots of things and he told me some things. It was like it used to be, and I felt that thing that I used to that I only feel around him. And I don't know what it is exactly, somewhere between comfort, relief, satisfaction, and closeness, but the point is that I felt it, and it haven't felt it for a couple of months. I feel other things too, but those things are irrelevant and I choose to ignore them.

Since we've spoken, I feel much better about everything, which was the whole point of the thing. I did feel a bit guilty about calling Boy B on my way home, because I had no intention of telling him where I had been, not that he would think to ask. One of those lies of omission, I guess. But I could have told him, because I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just don't want to let him in on something that leads to some of the more dramatic parts of my life. He still thinks I'm normal. Or at least normal enough.

The movie is freaking me out, mostly because of its cost. And yes, you'll probably get something in the mail before too long asking for your generous donation. I'm the new PBS and NEA. Besides that, I'm having a couple of crew issues, and some equipment issues, but the fam is cooperating wonderfully so far. I think my mom is excited about the whole movie thing. Everyone else is so entrenched in their lives, they just nod and say ok, sure, whatever you want. I'm worried about the road trip. Last night I almost wrecked when some old guy in a BMW pulled out in front of me while I was doing about 45 (no, I wasn't speeding). Thank god for ABS. And thank god there wasn't a lot of traffic so I could swerve into the other lane. I felt especially rattled when I saw he had a dog in the car. To wreck into an idiot person is one thing, but to sideswipe an unsuspecting pet is quite another. Either way, I'm glad I didn't hit him. That would have been, well, I don't know what it would have been, but whatever it would have been wouldn't have been good. Me and my car are still intact.

Anyway, hope the both of you are well.

Leprosy

I woke up this morning and I really missed Kid A. Sometimes it hits me hard and out of nowhere, usually when I'm really stressed out. And I've been stressed out all week. I wish there was something I could do to fix things or at least figure out where they went wrong, but right now I can't. I have so many other things I have to do first. I am overwhelmed by my life and if often seems like there's no one to pick up anything I drop, so there's a lot of pressure to do everything. And if things aren't fixed or taken care of in the next seven days, there are definitely some things that are going to be dropped. Important things. Right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water. And it would really be nice if Kid A were around to help me feel like a normal person again. But I just feel like a leper.

Boy B hasn't dropped me yet, but I can feel that it will only be a matter of time. I'm simply too crazy to be affiliated with people who are well adjusted and normal. And there's only so much craziness he can take. I've tried to tone it down as much as I can, but that's like trying to hide an elephant. I'll be sad when he eventually gets tired of me. And I'll feel even more like a leper.

I don't want to make this movie anymore. I'm afraid I got in way over my head, and it seems like every day there's something new to pay for that I hadn't expected. My original budget was grossly underestimated, and now it looks like the credit cards are going to be completely maxed out if I don't figure something out really quickly. And that really really really sucks.

I'm exhausted from working all the time; I haven't had any down time all week, and it doesn't look like there will be any in the near future, either. My throat is sore this morning, and I hope I'm not getting sick. That's about the last thing I need right now.

So to sum up, I'm really sad, overwhelmed, overworked, and worried. Great.

Trickles

I got off work early yesterday, so I did some things I've been needing to do for a while. I went to see the pro at the club, and an hour was not enough. She unleashed some stuff that kept trickling out of me for the rest of the day, but I guess I needed it. I feel better now, even though nothing has been resolved. I also got the computer fixed, so now I can get back to work doing the things I need to be doing. I've got some calls to make today; I think I'll have to make them from work.

I found out last night that my job might not be secure, and I really don't care that much. Is that wrong?

Boy B took me out to dinner last night, and we had a good time followed by a serious-ish talk that may have been an arguement, but I'm not sure. I was a bit miffed, but I wasn't mad, and I definitely found myself gritting my teeth a bit. I also realized how little I've given him to go on, and it makes me think I'm even crazier than I originally thought.

My art show is next week, and I'm really excited. I think I'm going to go to the museum tonight to practice (with Boy B). I like being social again.

Still nothing from Kid A. I'm kind of getting used to him not being there, but I do miss him. I think he dumped me on the side of the road when I wasn't a puppy anymore. Stupid.

Dr. Evil is away on vacation, and for some reason that really bothers me. I should be glad that I have free run of the city for a while, but I think I'm just irritated that he's out having a good time instead of being miserable like he should be. I know it's petty, but fuck it.

Off to work.

Life

So this computer thing is getting very frustrating. I think a trip to the Apple store is in store for the day. Yesterday I computed my budget for my film, and it looks like my original goal of five grand is horribly low. Damn. So it looks like I'm going to have to start pounding the pavement and beggin people for money, which really sucks.

Work is keeping me incredibly busy, only because that's forty hourse I normally have to do whatever I want. I didn't even turn on my tv last night because I was so busy trying to figure out my movie crap. I'm starting to get very stressed out about it.

Boy B is a bit flaky, which is a bit annoying. But I'm giving him some rope because there's nothing serious going on and I don't really have time to worry about whether or not he calls when he says he will. Besides, I have a girlfriend that never calls when she says she will, and she has been flaking out on me for over a week. She's on the list.

Kid A is still silent. I don't know what his deal is, but again, I don't really have time to worry about it. Maybe I'll get some time after some of this movie crap works out.

I'm out of minutes on my phone, which is very upsetting, since they don't roll over for another two weeks. I'm thinking about getting a home phone since this is getting a bit ridiculous. I just don't know if I can afford it.

Anyway, movie movie movie, boy boy boy, work work work. That's my life.