Etcetera

My computer at home is on strike. This is attempt #4, and this time I'm using a different computer. It's raining today, and one would think that's great, it will cool things down a bit, but no, it's hot and even more humid than before.

I've tried to figure out what's going on with Kid A, and have had no luck. It has been very troubling to be cut off for no apparent reason; it's not like I tried to steal his boyfriend or anything. I'm hoping he'll be struck with a case of conscience, but I'm not betting on it.

But speaking of betting, I went to the track last night and caught the last race. I made a $2 bet, and won $63. I'm not rich, but I am happy. It's fun to win.

Boy B is still hanging around; he obviously doesn't know I'm crazy yet. I tried to tell him yesterday, but I don't think he believed me. I'm sure he'll find out soon enough, and then I will have to say I told you so. I do know that he really likes me. It's a bit bewildering, especially since he's so normal. Or maybe he's crazy too, and is just hiding it for later.

My paintings go to the gallery on Monday; I'm trying to figure out how much to charge for them.

The audition didn't go great; I'm not expecting that guy to call. Oh well.

The movie is coming along. If anyone wants to help me pay for it, they can get a credit in the movie. And my undying gratitude, of course.

Anyway, I think that's about it. Depressed, excited, exhausted, etcetera.

Kid A

I had a dream this morning that the original boy, Kid A, died. And I woke up feeling very disturbed and worried. I seriously doubt anything really terrible has happened to him, but I guess there is that slight possibility and I don't like it. He hasn't talked to me since Wednesday, and the last message I left was on Friday. I know it's only Monday, but he has always been very good about returning calls. So I know something is up, but I don't know what. That whole I've been busy thing isn't really going to fly, because he has always managed before. What the fuck is going on? I feel crazy. I've tentatively decided to wait until Wednesday before I really start freaking out (although it could be said I have already started doing so) and figuring out if I want to take action or not. I pick that day because that makes it a full week, and I really won't have time before then.

Today I have a lot of running around to do, which I'm not looking forward to. Because it's running around in all different directions. Hopefully today will be a day that I make real progress on my movie plans, because it's time for that to happen. I finally got a cinematographer to commit, and his flight is booked. That is a load off my mind.

Boy 2 and I may get together today and see a movie or something. I guess it sounds like we're dating now. Hmm. It feels kind of strange to not have some sort of drama going on like I have had. I'm not sure how to take it. And to think that's how normal people do it. I think there is something seriously wrong with me, and the pro is unavailable these days. Maybe I should find a new club. Anyway, wish me luck on all the stuff I have going on, because I'm definitely going to need it.

Party Time

I feel like the busiest person in the world. This full time job thing is really time consuming. So there's this new boy, who took me out to dinner last night, and is on his way over right now. He's funny and he makes me laugh, and he's kind of goofy and he's the same age as me. A month (almost to the day) older. And he's artistic. I like hanging out with him. But then I find myself sad because the other boy hasn't returned any of my phone calls lately and I don't know why or what's going on or anything like that. So I'm constantly distracted, which is something I really don't like. I guess I'm also a bit confused. I guess that's the long and short of it.

So we went to a party and he only knew me and I only knew two other people there, so it was interesting. And everyone was dressed like the 80's, which was a sight. And we had fun and got a little bit crazy, but the boy and I left after we found ourselves making out in a corner on the walkway of the side of the house. I should have said goodbye to my friend, but the gate was right there and I was afraid she would suck me back into the party when I really was ready to go. And this boy loves to make out and he is obviously very much into me, and I feel like a jerk because I know I'm not as much into him, even though I do like him. And I know that the other boy is part of my problem and I don't know how to resolve it. I actually think he's mad at me but I have no idea why. I haven't talked to him enough to make him mad. Which is why I'm so confused.

Anyway, I realize that I suck because I have the complete attention of someone who likes me and wants to be around me, and all I can think about is someone else whose attention I don't have who may or may not ever speak to me again, for reasons I do not know. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied.

Still, the party was lots of fun, and I seem to recall some semi-incriminating photographs being taken, which are probably circulating the web at this very moment. Great.

Anyway, the next day and a half will be devoted to movie stuff, errands, and audition preparation. And hoping the boy calls.

New Address

I am changing the address of this blog so that unwanted readers can be kept to a minimum. For those of you who are welcome readers (which is most of you), I will give you the new address. For any readers who do not know me but want to know where the new site is, just e-mail me or leave your e-mail in the comments and I will send you the new link. Thanks for understanding.

Unauthorized User!

I believe you know that there is a little thing on here that tells me when someone looks at my blog. Which is how I know you're paying attention. It doesn't give me an exact name, of course, but a location and perhaps a company or IP address. Most of the time it doesn't really mean anything, but I check it anyway because I find it fascinating when someone halfway around the world is reading. Anyway, today I got one from a place here in town that I frequent, but I wasn't there today, so I know it wasn't me who accessed the page. And there's only one person here in town who knows I have a blog, and I requested that that person not read my blog anymore. I also know that this person didn't just stumble upon my blog accidentally, because they were referred by a search engine that specifically names my blog.

So here's the deal: either that person (with whom I still have no desire to have any sort of contact) disregarded my wishes and read my blog, or told someone else about it, and THAT person read it. Either way, there has been a complete breach of respect. But I guess that should come as no surprise, since that person has shown me no respect pretty much since the day we met.

So, if you are this said person (and you know who you are) and you are still reading, STOP. Or, if you were referred by said person, STOP. MY LIFE IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Everyone else, carry on.

Short stuff

This whole having a job thing is making it difficult to get things done. Anyway, I've been spending time practicing, but of course not enough time. I'm not even sure if I mentioned a new boy, but there is one. Sort of. That's all for now.

Calling You Out

It has been a busy week. It seems like a lot has happened. There was some partying, some celebrating, some work, some serious sleeping, and now that the week is winding down, the melancholia is setting in again. And I called you to talk and you never called back. What's up with that? I guess this is me calling you out.

What could possibly be more important than ME?

Monday

I'm still trying to get out of this. It's not going well. Lately it seems like everyone is happy except for me. Or that no one cares about my happiness. I suck. I did stuff yesterday and I hoped it would make me feel better, but it didn't. It made me feel worse. My phone rings and I just let it. And I turn invisible and no one knows I'm here. Ice cream and beer are the medication of the day. I'm slipping.

Today I have stuff to do. Laundry, phone calls, begging for help, trying to help myself. And my girlfriend called today and wants to have lunch so now I have to figure her into my plans. I'm still trying to figure it all out to get everything done. I need to get a haircut one of these days too. I guess the good thing about depression is that I find the time to get all those movies watched. I watched The Lodger last night and Deadwood this morning. I'm going to try to watch another movie tonight. Tomorrow is back to work and hopefully I'll forget about how unhappy I am. Distraction is good. My tv is freaking out right now. I don't know why. Stupid cable company.

Anyway, that's Monday.

Blanks

This is the first moment I've had to breathe in the last three days. Now I'm working a full time regular-ish job, and I don't know how people get anything else done. I have so many phone calls I need to make, and they are going to have to wait until Monday because I haven't had time for anything. I haven't even had time to make dinner. It seems like I haven't seen my house at all. And I'm way behind on my tv watching. You know, the stuff I recorded. Maybe I'll catch up on some of that tonight.

Went to a musical last night with a pseudo-stranger. I guess it was kind of a date, since we had dinner before hand, but we drove separately, and there was no touching whatsoever except for a hug at the end of the night. But I'm not worried, because I'm so fucked up there's really no hope for him, and he lives on the other side of the country and will be leaving the day after tomorrow. The play was really good. You can't go wrong with Bertold Brecht. I personally think he was a genius.

The night before I met with my cinematographer to get some things figured out. And today he sent me a note that says, sorry, I can't do it. Even guys I'm not interested in sleeping with dump me. How pathetic. So now I'm going to have to find someone else, and time is getting short. So that really blows.

I'm working on a scheme to go to Venice for their big film festival. I'd have to get assistance from Ma and Pa, and I'm not so sure they're willing, since they think that what I'm doing in school is a total waste and a dead end. Which means that anything that furthers my interest in it needs to get sucked into a black hole.

I just saw a hummingbird out my window. Cool.

I saw today that Tom Waits is going to play in Asheville. That's a show I would definitely not miss if I lived there.

I'm trying to figure out what to do about school and this new job. Do I sacrifice the job if they won't flex on the hours? Or do I sacrifice the classes? It's kind of a sticky wicket, since I'm looking forward to having a steady income for a while. But school has always been a priority, so it's kind of hard to give up now. I don't know. I'm going to have to get it figured out pretty soon, though.

So that's all I feel like talking about right now. Maybe later I'll fill in any blanks I left.

May or May Not

One more day left before I go back to seriously working.

Last night I went out and met a few people and actually had a decent time. I met a guy that seemed really nice and reasonably cute and intelligent and just a little bit shy. And of course, he's visitng from Boston. Visiting his brother, who I suspect is on some sort of drug that may or may not be meth. But I think I'm the only one who thinks that. Anyway, the dude was nice, and he acted interested in the things I had to say, and not many people are, so it was a nice change from the usual. And the boy never called me, and I never called him. I was nice and distracted, which is what I've been hoping for all this time anyway. I have no idea what I'm going to do today, and I'm not even sure if today is a regular business day, being sandwiched in between Sunday and a holiday and all. I need to go to school and call the pro to reschedule, and after that everything is up in the air. I'm itching to buy furniture, so that may or may not happen. The girlfriend and I may or may not go to lunch on the island, but if we do, we'll have to take her dogs, which is sometimes an annoyance to me. I'm so glad I don't have pets.

I'm also still in need of a fan, as the air is unbelievably stagnant in my house, and I don't like it. My back is feeling a bit better today than yesterday, but I did bombard it with pharmaceuticals yesterday. It hurts a little bit right now, but less than before, which is a good sign.

I'm thinking I should clean out my car today. There's too much crap in it. Crap that's been in the trunk since I moved here. I think it's time.

Anyway, happy Monday. I may or may not have one.

Niente

I'm going to LA in about twenty minutes. Just to ride along. Which is usually the case when I go there, since I rarely do any sort of business up there. The downside is that my back is hurting, because I think I messed it up at work the other day. Ibuprofen is my best friend right now. So there's my holiday weekend. Going to the city on a hot summer day. Maybe we'll do something fun there. But the pitiful part is that I'm going because I have nothing better to do. So why wouldn't I go? And tomorrow I have no plans and I'm not sure about Tuesday. I was asked a few weeks ago about doing something, but then I never heard anything else about it, so I'm not sure if we're still on. And I also thought there would be parties for me to go to, but I've found that there really aren't. Or at least that I'm not willing to pay to go to a party. Screw that. Whatever happened to paying for your own parties? Being a good host? Anyway, who knows what will be in my future two days. So far, nothing. Niente.

I have no life, but I still want fireworks.

Boiling Point

It's a holiday. Actually, it's going to be the first time I haven't had to work the weekend or the day itself in many many years. Well, I do have to work today, but not Sunday or Monday or Tuesday. And of course, everyone is telling me I should come to their little shindig and obviously I can't do everything and I don't want to do everything, but I will definitely do something.

Recap of the last few days:
Worked early on Thursday, meaning that I got up when the drunks were just settling down. I was tired all day, but put in the full eight, came home, took an hour nap, then went to my girlfriend's house so we could go to some charity thing with wine and cheese. For some reason, I am a charity case for so many of my friends, because they always want to dress me and do my makeup or hair and she is no exception. I dressed myself. But she spent some time on my face and I looked more glamorous than usual, but eyeliner will do that to you. And we got to the thing and we were overdressed (I sometimes forget that even though this is a big city, it is still not New York), as everyone was deep in the SoCal casual mode. I wore THE dress, the one that is meant to attract attention and does, but was resisted the last time I wore it. And the dress is still 0-2. Yes, I keep score with my clothes. So I had some wine and lots of cheese and bread and talked to lesbians all night, and then I drunk dialed the boy and told him that I looked really freakin' hot and he was missing out. Yes, I'm all class, even after a few glasses of wine. I'm also thinking (very preliminary thinking, at this point) of going to Venice in September (the one in Italy, not California).

Friday I was jerked awake by the phone at 8am, but I had to let it ring a couple of times before answering so I could figure out what day it was and if it was work or something telling me I was an hour late. But yesterday was my day off so I eventually answered it. And it was someone wanting to give me a job, which is fantastic, and I start on Wednesday. yeah. It will be the first full time job I've had in three years. I'm a little scared. After that, I made some calls for my movie that will hopefully be returned very soon and watched the movie Independence Day. Yes, I've seen it before, but I was still trying to wake up and it was noise while I ate my cereal. Then I went shopping, because a new job always requires new shoes. So now I'm all set. I also bought a pair of slacks and an adorable black blazer. And I got my oil changed (see how responsible I am?). Somewhere in there I called the boy and left a sorry to have pestered you message, and we talked later in the day. He said he had to call me back, and he never did. Oh well. Probably for the best anyway. Then the girlfriend came over and I took her out to dinner and then we came back here and had some wine and she told me some secrets, thinking I wouldn't want to be friends with her anymore, but I'm more forgiving than I look, I guess.

Today I mail the rent check and ponder when it will get to its destination, and when it will be cashed. I work this afternoon at a wedding, which I'm hoping will be casual since it is so early. I have high hopes that this weekend will be fun and enjoyable, with lots of fun activities going on. I have a strange inkling that something will be happening this weekend that will have an impact on my life, hopefully for the better. It's like impending action, watching the pot of water boil. And I think at some point this weekend, there will be some boiling.