Shenanigans

Tomorrow is the beginning of professional help. I'm sure you're all glad to hear it, so you won't have to read me whine all the time. I'm a little scared, and I can't really articulate why, so you'll just have to use your imagination. In other news, I have a friend that is really pissing me off. She doesn't really act like a friend, and I'm really tired of pretending it doesn't bother me.

This is the scenario: 8 days ago, she calls me with her uber-drama (something more melodramatic and stressful than the last thing she came up with). I, trying to be the good friend, talk to her, offer her assistance, support, and my shoulder to cry on if she so chooses, leaving any sort of judgements to someone else. I say let's meet up. She says, I don't have time, and besides, the boy who I was crying my eyes out for a week ago is here so I don't need you really. I was just calling to involve you in my drama and not let you do anything about it. I see her for about 20 minutes before I have to go to class, wherein she says (with a straight face) that her parents are taking some sort of action (fiscally speaking) because of their "disapproval" of her lifestyle. I give her a hug, offer encouragement, blah blah blah. I empathize with her, and hope she has a good trip home for Thanksgiving, tell her to call me, no matter what the hour, etc etc etc.

And that was the last time I spoke to her. I'm sure that when I see her tomorrow, she'll be all giggles and silliness, without a hint of her previous personal apocalyptic visions of a week ago. She'll say oh I was so busy and why don't you ever call me, as if I didn't sit here and hope things were going well for her, worry about what was happening with her, and so on.

She will never understand that SHE is the one that isn't calling, that isn't listening, paying attention, or even sharing her life with me. She is just giving me the E! True Hollywood Version, where it is all after the fact, you are not involved, and you never will be. You will be kept on the sidelines forever because she doesn't really care about you enough to include you. She only thinks about you when there's not somebody better to cry to. Someone more important to pay attention to her shenanigans.

Not for Singles

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. But I think I went to bed on it too. I was laying there thinking about how I'm alone. Again. As always. But more importantly about how when Christmas rolls around, I'll be alone then, too. Laying in my cold bed with nothing but pillows to keep me company. Because there's no one out here who thinks I'm special enough to spend the day with me. Either that, or it sends "the wrong message". Which apparently is that someone could actually care about me and want to spend time with me on a day where I have no one. A day where everyone has someone. But not me.

I want to be able to say, hey that's ok, I don't need anyone. But I know I do. When it's hard enough to get through a regular day, I know that will be that much more difficult, knowing that other people are having fun with people that care about them, and I would too, if anyone cared enough about me. And the same goes for New Year's Eve too. And all the other holidays that don't include single people.

Vacation Over

So the holiday is pretty much over, because it's back to work and the rest of my little life. My phone rang twice, and both times it was someone that I'm not related to. Thanks, family, for including me. Or even thinking of me. It makes me feel great. Not that it wasn't expected; they never call me to wish me happy anything. Which is why it is so important that I have friends that will. And I do. Because they did.

The day didn't turn out as badly as I had anticipated; I didn't think about how special I felt two years ago when I had a special visitor at work that made me feel like someone really liked me, and I didn't think about how I had to work last year and then came home and guzzled an entire bottle of champagne by myself before crying and then passing out. I did most of my moping before-hand this year, and now I'm more or less just back to whining about things I hate about my life.

Like not being able to afford living alone. Waking up during a holiday weekend (i.e. vacation) to the sounds of even more home improvement, strangers in the house, and the smell of paint. So I stay in my room all day. When I venture out, there is a snide "good morning" (I've been up for 7 hours, bitch), and the sight of my bathroom handtowels on the floor (Yes, I wipe my MOUTH with those; would you mind putting them somewhere besides the floor???). I hate this house, this roommate/landlord, this neighborhood. And I can't afford something else, unless I find another annoying roommate to live with, which kind of defeats the purpose. I want to make a step up next time I move. Be excited about a new experience and all that. This place blows.

Anyway, Happy Late Thanksgiving to my friends who stumble to this page.

My Birthday

Your Birthdate: September 21

You're a restless rebel with an unpredictable nature. Bright but unbridled, you tend to seek out wild experiences over new ideas. People are frustrated by your great potential, but you love your unconventional life. You're a heartbreaker. People get attached to you, and then you're gone. Your strength: Your thirst for adventure Your weakness: Not taking time for slow pleasures Your power color: Hot pink Your power symbol: Figure eight Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Not quite. But close.

Check

Thesis proposal. Check.
Truffle ingredients. Check.
Salad Ingredients. Check.
Slides. Check.
Painting supplies. Check.
Call hotel. Check.
Call doctor. Check.
Call printing place. Check.
Have a fit and cry about how I hate my life. Check Check.

Yup, I did a lot of stuff today. I hate days where I do a lot of stuff. I just want to do a couple of things and not rush and not be tired at the end of the day. Which I did and I am. And tomorrow begins the long, torturous season that goes out of its way to remind me that I have no one around me that wants to spend the day with me because I'm me and that makes the day special. Sigh.

This is the story of my life, however, not just December.

Whine. check check check.

My Head

I have the worst headache right now. I already took two advil and nothing is happening. I think my brain is hemorraging, and tomorrow my head will look like an exploded pumpkin. Speaking of tomorrow, I have so much shit to do because everything will be closed on Thursday, it has to be done tomorrow. Some vacation. It's actually making things harder for me instead of allowing me to get some rest. I'm desperately trying to keep Friday open for sulking and laying around in bed feeling sorry for myself, but I'm no sure if I'm going to be able to do it. It will depend on my work schedule, which has been brutal lately, so I'm not expecting any miracles on that end.

That's all; brain matter is oozing out of my ears.

Holidays

Yes, we have no bananas. But we are bananas. And yes, we have no special people who want to spend yet another dreaded holiday with us. As in me. Call me pathetic, shallow, or whatever, but being alone on the holidays fucking sucks. Substitutes for having someone actually care about you just isn't good enough somehow. And this is the time of year that holidays come fast and furious, creating an aggressively depressing jolt of punches right in the ego. Which gave up and died a long time ago, but holidays don't care. They just keep coming back to drop more bombs even though I never had any weapons of mass destruction. Because I'm not a lover, I'm a fighter.

Talk about being unemployed. Just in time for the holidays, even.

Pain

I have a pain in my chest, and not the metaphorical kind. It feels like my heart has a cramp, and it's been her for the past three days. I don't know where it came from, or how to get rid of it, but I do know that it hurts. It makes it difficult to breathe at night when I'm trying to sleep, but also during the day when I'm just doing whatever it is I do. Maybe it's a prolonged heart attack. My guess is that it's psychosomatic, because I'm such a mental mess.

I'm still trying to figure out how to fix myself, because I've slipped into a pit of helplessness. It's like drowning in tar. Not that any of my "friends" give a shit what's going on with me. I've called them both and neither one has called me back. I guess that's what I get for my efforts. A whole lotta nuthin.

So, if there's anyone out there who lives in the area and wants to be my friend (I mean really my friend, not a fake one like the ones I seem to find), let me know. I'll just be slitting my wrists.

Blacklist

I don't want to be a bummer, but I am. I'm the sick girl that no one wants to be around because I'm too much of a downer. (A random aside: eHarmony is my sworn enemy, along with that car outside with too much bass, the Buffalo Bills, the neighbor's dog, and the annoying new girl at work)

My thesis is due on Wednesday. I have new hope that I might actually get it finished, even though I'm doing this right now instead. But I'm also on the verge of not giving a shit, considering I'm being blacklisted in the department because of all my faithful service. Apparently tenure is only something the old dude who runs the school for himself (rather than the students) believes he should have.

I'm burnt out on work, and begged to be let go early tomorrow. So I have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, but it's the last time until at least next Saturday. Plenty of time to sit and feel sorry for myself. Make my own blacklist. Yeah.

In My Car

I don't even know where to start. Because I don't really remember a beginning. Just the part where I'm sitting in my car late at night crying, and wishing someone would just carjack me so I can think about something else. I was so upset I decided to try to think of just one good thing in my life, and actually, it took longer than it should have. And I ended up coming up with something that isn't all that great. It was that I was invited to an art critique. Something that has nothing to do with me, but I was invited anyway. That the only good thing I could think of is that someone included me in something small is pretty pathetic. But it was all I had.

It's so stupid that I should feel this way; I know that. But when the phone isn't ringing, it starts the ball rolling. Then I find myself remembering the times when my phone did ring, with the voice that would say "I was just thinking about you" and "I miss you" "can't wait to see you". And I remember when I fell asleep in the bath with my head resting on his chest. And now I'm bathing alone, sleeping alone, eating alone, drinking alone, watching movies alone, walking alone, working alone, sitting alone. And now I'm sitting at home alone. While everyone else does things with those who matter.

It doesn't go suddenly; but it slips away a little, then a little more. Then I say "What's for dinner", and am greeted with "I already ate", a shifty couple of glances, and some evasive non-answers. Why? Wait, it's coming. So later, as I'm the only person eating, wishing the wish I've been wishing all day (I wish I could be special like SHE's special), SHE shows up. And in five minutes, I discover he already ate because he ate with her(although I don't know why he couldn't just tell me that...), and knew she would be stopping by later (as in now, when I'm stuffing my face and look like a total idiot, in addition to feeling like I don't matter). Wait, there's more. As soon as SHE shows up in her outfit with her body and her hair, he proceeds to stare at her and hang on to every word out of her mouth, ignoring me and another person at the table. I could have choked to death and he wouldn't have noticed. But I guess that's the way it has been from the beginning: he dumps me for people who actually matter.

That was the beginning of the end, the last slip that sent me into a deep dark hole of stuff I can never fully describe. But it couldn't be over. It never is. Then there's the girl that is happy because she dumped some guy and now she's single and the other girl (who is supposedly my friend, but that's another story), who neglects to even ask me how I'm doing, and launches into a tirade about the boy who calls her incessantly (aka The Boyfriend), the boy who is stalking her (aka The Meal Ticket), and the boy she's been waiting on to call her and ask her out (aka The Adult) and the boy she shamelessly flirts with because she supposedly wants to sleep with him (aka The Jerk), and I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear about all the attention she is getting from various men. All I can think of is how no one (as in NO ONE) has asked me out in almost two years, I haven't gotten laid since 'the incident', my phone never rings, he swore things would be better and they're not, and I am going to be alone on the next three holidays because I'm not special enough to anyone to make them want me and only me above anything or anyone else. And I have to prepare myself for that, plus the fact that no one in my family will call me on any one of those days.

So I'm crying in my car, wondering where my friends went, realizing you can't lose something you never had in the first place. So yeah, it took some time to think of something that wasn't completely disappointing about my life.

Cake

I'm old and bitter. Get used to it. I'm trying. I want to believe that I'm still young and new and believe in good things and positive thinking and hearts and flowers and kittens. But I don't. I believe in nothing except the fact that anyone who meets me will like me for about a minute and then move on to more normal people who know how to dress better. I believe in disingenuity and falsehood, lies, and the fact that the world is plotting against me. It's a conspiracy. Yes, I'm bitter.

I want to scream and throw things and maybe even break something, but it wouldn't really do any good because it doesn't make a difference. No one is listening.

I bought groceries today. Included in the haul was four boxes of cake mix. I have every intention of making these cakes, but I have no intention of sharing them with anyone. They will be cakes for me to stuff in my face all on my own because that's what cares about me now. And I can eat cake.

GGGGroceries

I feel like I should say something that is along my usual line of whining, but I'm not really feeling it this morning. At least not enough to put it into words. And today is Tuesday, so He G will not be calling or seeing or thinking about me. I guess I'm resigned to that little fact today. I'm not mad, just defeated. I probably will be hearing from She G, who will call as soon as I get in class so I won't be able to answer my phone. Her timing is always impeccable.

I do have work to do today, but I'm sitting in bed not doing it. This bed has become a place where I don't do things. Yes, that thing is also included. I wish I had an office. Stupid grad school. My thesis proposal is due in 8 days. I have four paragraphs so far. I wish the deadline was motivating me a little more, but it isn't. Last night I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to make the deadline, which is something that rarely happens to me. Deadlines are the concrete of my life. But it looks like this one is just going to have to wait until next semester. Maybe I'll be able to pull myself out of this muck by then. Because it's not that I don't know what I want to do, it's just that I don't feel like writing it down right now. I just want to do research and think about it some more. If I do it, that makes me that much closer to graduation, which is an incredibly scary proposition, for a multitude of reasons.

Anyway, I'll rap with you later. I have to go get groceries.

Questions

Why do students go to class and then do everything possible to not learn anything?
Why do boys have such bad breath?
Why do women have to buy homeopathic "remedies" hook, line, and sinker?

The Two G's

There are two G's in my life. He G and She G. But it seems like anymore, they're not really part of my life, nor do they want to be. She G says she is my friend, but never really pays attention to anything I say. In return, she demands that I give her my undivided attention whenever anything she considers dramatic happens, which is anything from some pseudo-stranger looking at her to a fight with her boyfriend. It takes her three days to return my phone calls, and she insists that I never call her and also complains that we don't ever hang out, conveniently forgetting that I have suggested we do things several times, and she says great idea and goes with another friend. She G also never asks me what is going on in my life.

He G is same but different. He G claims that I am incredibly important to his life, and then proceeds to push me as far to the fringe of it as he can. He G never tells me anything that is going on in his life, but still wants me to share mine. He G ignores the things that I say, gets mad when I have feelings, and makes me feel like crap on a regular basis. He G treats me like an employee. He G has sequestered our conversations and meetings to the school campus, making it very clear that he has no intention of making good on his promise that nothing would come between us and we would be closer together than ever. He makes me feel like I'm a jerk when he hurts my feelings. He G doesn't care what I'm doing right now, what I did yesterday, or what I'm going to do tomorrow. He's too busy obsessing about the one that got away instead of the one he pretends to like. He G also seems to have a strange aversion to being seen with me in public, but even more so by his friends. He doesn't seem to want to have any connection with me at all. Recently He G asked me if I wanted to spend Thanksgiving together and I said sure. I went to the trouble to get it off from work, and then he decided he would rather endure the family drama instead of me, so he cancelled. Which makes that the second cancellation since school started. Again, pretending we're close, but never actually acting like it. Fine, ditch me on the holidays, when you know there's really no one else I'm close to.

So I guess the whole point of this is that the G's are supposed to be my friends, but their actions completely belie that. They are completely selfish, only caring about what they want and never giving a moment's thought to what I want. How I find these people I'll never know. The saddest part is that I thought the G's were my best friends out here, and they're the two people who seem to care about my feelings the least. Maybe it's time for me to find a different letter.

Test

In life we make these little tests for ourselves. For what reason, I don't know, but we do it anyway. Maybe to learn more about ourselves, or about others, or really just to do stuff that's difficult ofr us or maybe even for no purpose at all. My test is the phone. To keep myself from calling people that I try to keep myself from calling. I know it doesn't make any sense, but that's the way it is. The tests don't have to make sense. They just are.

So far I'm passing, but my resistance is flagging. Because I can't stand to not know what's going on, what people are doing, being ignored, and blah blah blah. But the catch is, I feel like if I can pass this test, then the next one of keeping it up and the next one of keeping out and the next one of and so on, will be that much easier. And then I won't have to have tests anymore.

Superficial

So I went to LA yesterday on an art trek in an Expedition (which I loathe, but since it was full of people, it's tolerable) to see a couple of exhibitions. I hate LA, but it was a decent visit with decent people that I enjoy talking to, even though I'm not really one of them. So there I was, standing at the top of the foyer, looking down at the stuff all around me and though about calling him. I was so close to pulling out my phone and saying "Wow, wish you were here. It's pretty cool and you're missing out." But I didn't. Because I couldn't get over the feeling that I would be disturbing him while he's doing something more important than I could ever be, that our conversation would be short and unfulfilling and leave me with that huge hole of emptiness that his indifference always instills in me. And then I thought, if he wanted to talk to me, he would call me. Which ends up being my answer. He doesn't want to talk to me, or he would. So I'm going through my weekend, thinking this, remembering that I don't need to torture myself by calling someone who doesn't really want to hear from me at all. I'm making a wager with myself that I won't hear from him all weekend.

And let me tell you why.

It's because he recently let me in on the fact that he is willing to have a superficial friendship, one where we only discuss the good things in our lives and everything is super and we don't really have talks or confide in each other and stick to subjects like the weather. He claims that this is ok because I'm "so important", he doesn't want to risk me getting mad at him and never speaking to him again. To me, it sounds ridiculous, because the kind of friendship he is willing to have with me results in him not knowing me at all anyway, which doesn't sound good to me at all. I have enough superficial relationships in my life already. People that have no idea who I am or how I feel or what is going on with me.

So, here's your superficial friendship. The one where I don't call, you don't call, we only talk about happy things, and cease to know each other. Thanks for nothing.

What I Mean

I have seven minutes before I have to get ready to leave the house, so this is going to be short. Or I'm going to type really fast.

Last night I learned a little bit about a couple of people in my class. About why they do art, what has influenced them and so forth. I started thinking about what motivates me (because I'm going to have to do a presentation in a few weeks myself) by thinking about all the things I'm planning on showing to everybody. I don't really think of most of it as really personal stuff, as I tend to let my life fall open to any page. I don't censor most of my life from other people. If they want to know, I'll tell them.

But last night I realized that if you add up everything I've ever done, my relationship with my family, the things I'm concerned about, they all kind of boil down to one thing. And I'm not sure I want to talk about that one thing in front of other people. I want to tell people I am a genius and that is all there is to it, but deep down (actually, much closer to the surface than that), I know that I am not a genius. I am just some poor schmuck that never got enough hugs, so I became a hack artist instead of a serial killer. The serial killer's health plan is much better.

So my quandary is: do I open up to these people I hardly know and hope they don't think I am a total loser, or do I make something up and let them think I am a total loser? It's really difficult to admit to people you don't know that you have problems, your family doesn't know you, and you are obsessed with the idea that you will never get it. It would be way easier to say that everything I do is postmodern feminism, but that, of course, would be complete bullshit. Because I don't even know what that means. I only know what I mean. And even then, sometimes I get confused about what I mean.

Not New

I dreamt about racehorses and foster children last night, along with a bit of blow. Whatever. Today I'm off to the museum, as soon as I figure out my time schedule for the day. I'm supposed to meet a prospective new roommate today, hopefully the one that will help landlord/roommate chill out and get off my case finally. Still there are no guarantees.

I started the actual work on my thesis proposal last night, and I must say, it might be really good. It also might suck, as I have a tendency to twist words out of context and use them to say whatever it is I want to say. Plus, I'm not 100% sure what I want to say, except that I'm making this film and I'm hoping it won't suck.

I'm going to try to make today a good day and get lots of stuff done, because after today, things are going to get crazy and I won't be much fun to be around. I will be tired and cranky and busy and stressed and generally disgruntled. Right now I'm just hungry. I have no solution for it, seeing as how I don't really have any food in the house or money to buy any. Oh well. At the moment, not eating isn't really very high on my list of problems.

Faults

I didn't write anything all weekend because I was having a hard time figuring myself out. Since Friday, I've been upset that my friend has this tendency to attack me when I don't say what he wants, and then blames me for my problems in a "it's your own damn fault" kind of way. This time, it's my fault that people aren't nice to me. That I don't have very many friends, that people snub me and ignore me, because even if I haven't done anything to them, I most certainly have done something to them. I know it doesn't make sense. You had to be there.

But the part that I can't resolve is that i really like this person, want his respect, and value his opinion. It's just that in this case, he is wrong. He refuses to see that I am no different than anyone else, and that other people fuck up just like I do. He doesn't see that I have to come up with ways to protect myself when blonde girl is rude to me, or when the teacher's pet duo completely snub me, or pretentious guy says something snobby, or popular guy acts like I don't exist. I have to find ways to not let these things hurt me. It is a reaction to an environment. He thinks it is a preemptive strike against people for no reason, rooted in cattiness and so forth. It's complicated, and no one really knows what I see and feel except for me.

So the lecture about what is my fault is another link in the chain of stabs through my heart. And there's nothing I can do about it except leave.

President's Remarks (aka complete stupidity)

It never ceases to amaze me how much of an idiot the "President" is, but it is even more amazing that people don't notice that the things he says are such complete bullshit.This is a good example. Come on, people, get a clue already.

Impeach!

Fireplace

I wish I had a fireplace. Then I could curl up in front of it and flip through my Fredrick's catalog, imagining all the things I would buy if there was someone out there who wanted to have sex with me. Because really, I'm a warm person. I love a warm bed, a hot bath, summer days, and roaring fires. I'm sure I was a cat in my past life. I also like to take afternoon naps in the sun. And if you rub me just right, I purr. I haven't done any purring in a while. But I have done a fair amount of caterwauling, mewing, and growling. I've also had my tail stepped on a few times, which forced me to retreat to a hiding place to lick my wounds.

I'm a nice kitty. I like to be petted and held, and I also like to be left alone sometimes. I also bathe often, whether I need it or not. I guess I'm also a territorial kitty; I don't like other kitties coming around places that I consider my turf, rubbing up against people I want to rub up against.

Anyway, enough. I just wish I had a fireplace. It would be a start.

Don't Wanna

I've hit the point of I don't wanna pretty hard this semester. I don't wanna write my thesis proposal, don't wanna go to work, don't wanna do much of anything. Just wanna sit at home and do nothing for a few weeks. Maybe longer. I didn't used to be this way. I used to do the things I love and not worry about it. I used to write papers and learn stuff and enjoy it because it's what I like to do.

But I suppose someone or something has blown my house down, because it all seems pretty pointless right now. If I ever graduate, there is not going to be anyone knocking down my door to give me a great job that made all this education and effort worthwhile. There will be no reward in the end. Suddenly school has fallen into the category of things that are self-enriching, which may as well be the same as a hobby. Why would I work so hard for a hobby? If that's what I'm going to do, I should be doing what I want to do instead of what they want. That's what hobbies are, after all.

The other half of the quandary is that if I don't do this, what will I do? (which is related to the first part of the quandary: what will I do when I'm done with this) So I guess that's the point. There is nothing for me to do. I'm one of those people that has no purpose for being here. Or there. Or anywhere. Sigh.

Scrap Heap

Dear You,
Sometimes I wish you could walk in my shoes for just one day. Maybe then you would see how careless you are when it comes to my feelings. It often seems like you don't care about them at all. I guess that's why I'm typing this; because you don't care to know what I'm thinking or feeling. So I have to write it out, hoping that at some point it will make sense to me that I still consider you a friend.

It is almost every day that I find myself lying in bed crying to myself because I feel like the person I thought I was closest to has no idea what I'm thinking, nor does he seem to care to know. I think about how we used to be close and then drifted apart, just as I predicted a few short months ago. Now, when you want to talk, you call someone else. When you need a shoulder to lean on, you lean on someone else. Or, if you can't find anyone else, you choose to sit by yourself rather than ask me for help. When did I stop being important to you? When did your judgement of me become so low?

I suppose the glib and thoughtless comments are to be expected when you don't think of me as someone that is sensitive. Yes, you can either make plans with me, or make up a lie. You can even tell me this to my face because you don't care that hanging out with me is worse than making something up. But of course, you will tell me the truth at the moment when I least need to hear it; at the moment when I am most vulnerable and your confessions will do the most damage.

I wish you wanted to treat me like the friend I thought I was. I wish there was someone else I could talk to, but unlike you, I have no one else. So I am alone. Because I sit at home and wait for your calls, your attention, and your invitations, provided someone else hasn't stopped by to make you remember that I am not necessary in your life. To make you forget that we made plans; I showed up and you didn't. But that's ok, because I'm not sure you even consider me a friend anymore. I just wish you would let me know so I can stop deluding myself. I'm very tired of feeling like you might realize how much you are hurting me at any moment, hoping things will get better instead of worse. I want to sing in the car again because I'm happy you're my friend instead of cry because I mean nothing to you.

So I guess I'd like you to let me know. Let me know if I should give up on you. If you're going to make more plans with me that you will cancel later when something better occurs to you. Or if there's something you think is worth salvaging, because I definitely feel like I've been thrown in the scrap heap.

Love,
Me