Skeptical

I started my chemical regimen today. Earlier I was getting sleepy, so I tried to balance it with caffeine, and now I feel kind of shaky and jittery. I need to go to bed soon, and I'm hoping that will be possible. I have to work in the morning, but not really early. Just kind of early. I made a resolution of sorts today that I don't want to procrastinate on the next paper (due in 3 weeks) like I did on the last one. I'd like to work more too, but I don't really have control over that, so we'll see if it happens. I also have to get cracking on the movie, so I need to organize those thoughts.

Today I got talked into buying new tires for my car, and although I can feel the difference now, I still am not happy about the 268 dollars that went on my credit card. I found myself outside Discount Tires trying to fight back tears, as this is just one more thing that I can't really afford but don't have a choice about. Earlier today I was going through my bills and adding up rent, credit card, cable, credit card, electricity, and student loans. That doesn't even count eating and paying for gas. and doesn't even begin to touch the movie costs. I found out today that the necklace that was made for my movie is saleable. It was in an art show a couple of weeks ago, and apparently, the artist was approached by several people about possibly buying it, which he said they would have to ask me, because he wasn't sure if I was willing to part with it. And the fact is, I'm not even sure if I want to sell it. But at the same time, I'm not sure I can afford NOT to sell it. How much can I get for it? What is it worth as a piece of art? What is it worth to me? If I keep it, what would I DO with it? If someone bought it, what would they think THEY would do with it? It's not really wearable, but it is freaking cool. I suppose it boils down to how much it's worth. Five hundred isn't nearly enough. A thousand starts to be worth it. Five covers the rest of my movie. How much would you pay for it, if you had money for buying art?

Today I also saw Dr. Evil in passing, and he very quickly said hello, which I sort of responded to, but not really. And it bothered me, and that bothers me. I hate seeing him, hate thinking about him. When I see him, I have the immediate reaction of anger, but then the secondary reaction that I really miss the way we used to talk and be close and now it's gone forever, with no one to take that place. I guess there's a part of me that wishes I could have that relationship with him again, but there's a bigger part of me that wishes I could have that kind of relationship with someone else, because I really don't think I can ever trust him again. And I don't think I could ever forgive him, because whenever I would talk to him, I would always be thinking about what he did to me and how he wrote me off as if I were nothing and nobody to him, and how what I thought I had with him was really just a sham.

So anyway, today wasn't such a great day. I'm hoping the chemicals will help me in the future, although I'm a bit skeptical. I'm also hoping tomorrow will be better, but tomorrow is a work day, so I'm skeptical about that. I'm skeptical that anyone is really serious about buying the necklace, and I'm skeptical that I'll ever be normal again.

Paper

Sigh. I'm mostly finished with my paper. I have to make some minor changes and type the bibliography and then it will be done. I stayed up until 5 this morning writing it. I'm exhausted. I also have to go to the crazy doctor today, and I don't want to do it. I don't really want to do much of anything. Not that this is any different than it has been. I'm praying for some sort of repreive from everything, but I don't think there will be one. I have another paper due in a couple of weeks, then another one a couple of weeks after that, plus the whole movie bs and the retardo boys that seem to be attracted to me but act like idiots all the same. Oh well. Back to the stupid paper.

Clouds

My lip is having trouble healing. I'm not happy about it, because it really hurts. So "winter" must be officially here, since it has been cloudy for three days straight. While I do miss the sun, there is something comforting about being under a blanket of clouds and putting on fleece and feeling all warm. I went to the valley last night and randomly ran into some co-workers, so we sat down and had beers together. It's weird to see work people out of context.

Today I have to give a lecture for the class because the head honcho is away. You would think I'd be excited about it, but I really just want to go back to bed. Another thing about those clouds, they make me want to stay in bed. I could probably just stand up there and make things up off the top of my head, but that wouldn't be very professional. So I'll be writing something down later. Actually, the biggest source of stress for this whole fiasco is that I've never operated the ridiculous multi-media system in this "smart room". In this place, playing a DVD takes on a whole new meaning. Which is annoying. Technology is supposed to make things easier, not more complicated.

I got a thing to see a free screening of Marie Antoinette. I'm excited for that. It's a movie I've been looking forward to for a while now.

I would really like to get a haircut, but I have no money to pay for one. My hair looks awful. My split ends have split ends. Yuck. That is really one of the main things that not having money has prevented. Or at least the one that I really really really really want. I want nice hair back.

Anyway, that's about it for now.

Same Old

I really wish I had a happy jolly post about meeting some prince charming or getting some fantastic job, but I don't. This one will be just like the other 869 posts. You've been warned.

I finally had enough today of being broke enough to start thinking about selling my possessions and having to always tell me friends I can't do anything because I have no dinero and getting the "talking to" from my mom about the seriousness of debt (as if I don't already know) and I applied for some jobs. I think I applied for about four of them, and I'm still considering applying for several more. Some I'm not sure about because they are full time and I really don't have time for that right now but I will at the end of this semester. And sometimes I don't apply for jobs when I think I'm not going to get them, which sucks because I'm really not qualified for any jobs, unless you need a waitress. I can get any and all of those jobs. Those aren't the ones I want. It sucks that there are so many jobs out there that I could be really good at, but could never get because people assume that if you studied music or art in college, you must be either stupid or flaky. And you don't have any other skills.

I got a last minute call from work to come in and work, and I did, because as I already mentioned, I'm broke. And it was a wedding, and in light of my recent despair, it was kind of depressing. It was even more depressing because there wasn't any extra food and there wasn't even any extra cake. That blows. I did manage to gnaw on some hors devours, though. Bacon-wrapped shrimp...mmmm. I passed on the lamb chops. I also worked with Boy B, which is interesting, because even though we work at the same place, I don't think we have ever been paired together. But it was ok, and I think he may have actually done more work than usual because he wants to help me out. And he tends to give me the easy jobs, like pouring wine, while he cleans all the crap off the table. Normally I do all that stuff myself.

I still haven't started a paper that's due in a week and a half, and I don't know why. Today I laid in bed for most of the day. I only went outside to get the mail. I'm turning into a big loser. I kept thinking I should work on my paper, but I just couldn't do it. And tomorrow will probably be more of the same. On my way home tonight, I wondered if I could ask the psychiatrist if I could do hypnosis to make me normal again. I didn't used to be crazy. I didn't used to be so desparate and so sensitive. I used to bounce back from failure and disappointment. Now it wins every time. I hate that, and it seems like nothing I do changes it.

Boy B "might" call tomorrow, depending on the weather. Yes, I come third in his life, right after pot and golf. Great. But at least that's better than Kid A, where I come absolutely last. Even some rude bitch with bad hair who lives on the other side of the world comes before me. Fucker. Anyway, I'm going to stop before I start on that again.

Men are Retarded

It's Friday night and I'm at home alone in my pajamas. My lip is killing me from when I chewed a hole in it the other night while sleeping. I haven't been feeling well and I'm a little worried I'm getting sick, but I really think it's just me being nervous and annoyed. I asked Kid A AGAIN about the same stuff as before, and he failed again. Never mind that I specifically asked him two weeks ago to think about it, and he should have been thinking about it a long time before that. I'm tired of it. And he left it by assuring me he would answer my calls, but I told him he should maybe try calling me for a change. And as annoying as it is, I'm going to ask the same question until I get an answer. And right now, I don't have any desire to talk to him and listen to his bullshit hemming and hawing and non-answers.

Why do men suck? Why are they so retarded? Yes, I'm asking you. What is the point of avoiding answers and in so doing, sacrificing a relationship with another person? Are people so expendable? And women in particular? And why is it so fucking hard to even make a small effort?

Because here's the thing: I'm hot, smart, multi-talented, and I don't have any kids. I take care of myself financially. I'm funny and witty and come from a mostly functional family. I have class and taste and have a libido. I'm easy going and honest and loyal and so on. And I'm usually nice. So what about that says don't bother? What part of that isn't worth an effort?

This is why men are so retarded. They'd rather skip ahead to chicks with problems and high-maintenance issues than take easy street with me. Idiots.

Fat Lip

Yesterday I had to take a written test, all essay. I figure it must be about seven years since I last took a test like that. It took me about 90 minutes to get through the three questions, and my arm from my shoulder to my fingers is still sore. It seems diabolical to make people write. No one writes anymore. They type.

I called Kid A yesterday, and miraculously, he answered. And we talked for a while and then he had to go and I still felt bad. He said he was mad but he didn't want to tell me what he's mad about, because he said he didn't want to ruin his mood. Fine. Mine's only been ruined for the past two weeks. Why should yours be spoiled? So I tried to forget about it and had dinner with my girlfriend (she cooked). I didn't mention it to her either, because I know she'll either get mad or give me some kind of advice that I really don't want to hear. Then she wanted to come to my house to watch tv, so we did. And sometime later, he called again, while she was still at my house. But she told me to answer it and I did. Homeboy was kind of sideways after having some beers with his boys, and now he was at home calling me. I don't know why. And I wasn't in the mood to talk about anything serious since he was not normal (although it might have been a good time to grill him since his guard was down). I'm not smart enough to figure out why he acts towards me like he does. It doesn't make any sense to me. And normally I would be happy that he's talking to me and some sort of balance has returned to the universe, but I'm still depressed because I'm not getting anywhere.

I considered deleting him from my phone last night. Because I'm tired of feeling like I always have to be careful. I don't want to be careful; I want to be me.

And then I woke up this morning with a fat lip because I must have been chewing on it while I was asleep. It kind of hurts, but it really feels weird more than anything. It's only one side, so I feel a little bit like Popeye. I just need the pipe and the squint. So that's the story. That's what I'm giving to the pro at the club (except for the fat lip, which is unimportant). I may also ask her for some chemical comfort, even though it goes against everything I've ever thought about myself. Anyway, we'll see.

I have to do schoolwork now. Or at least pretend like I'm going to do it.

Simple Goals

I slept in today. But I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm thinking it's ok. Motivation has left me almost entirely, as taking a shower is becoming something I have to psyche myself up for. I want to feel better than this; I just don't know how. I don't care if Boy B comes over tonight like he suggested, I don't care if I flunk my midterm tomorrow, I don't care if the sun ever comes out, I don't even care if my neighbor never turns down their Mexican radio station. I have thought about drinking the champagne in my fridge, telling myself it's flat anyway, so I might as well drink it. I don't want to do dishes, I don't want to make my bed, do laundry, clean the house, make lunch, or mop the kitchen floor. I just want to lay in bed and stare at the crack in the ceiling. I don't even want my phone to ring. It rang three times already and I'm so over it.

So today my goals are simple. Write a lecture. Take a shower. Make it to class.

That's all. Hopefully I'll be able to get through that.

Full Moon

Kid A is on his way over. He got up early today. I guess we're going to go out to breakfast or something, but I don't know what we're going to do after that. I have no idea how long he plans on staying today. Not that it's important. But I do need to brush my teeth before he gets here. And some other stuff too.

The art opening was good. My necklace was in the show, and it feels good to have people stare at it and talk about how cool it is. I enjoyed that a lot. I went and saw the new Scorsese flick. I'll write about it later and send the link out. Then I got really depressed and drove to the beach and sat out there for about 30 minutes before I started shivering. But it was nice to sit on the beach with the full moon, even though I wasn't happy. I like the full moon because there is so much light it's almost like daytime but not. And I was (of course) the only person out there, so that's nice. I don't like sharing the beach. I had crazy dreams all night. So now here I am. I have to go.

Done Asking

Boy B called, but only to cancel. Yes, I'm annoyed. At least he called. He said he would call tomorrow. We'll see. Sometimes I wonder why he even bothers. Oh well. At least he's meeting my demands, which was to call when he said he was going to. I called Kid A and of course he didn't answer, so I left a long rambling message, and the only thing I really remember saying is that I think his avoidance of talking to me is pretty mean and I thought we were closer than that. I'm sure that will make him want to call. Not. So I'm officially annoying and idiotic and I think I need to start thinking more about living my life without anyone else. Because as it turns out, no one is ever there for you, no matter what they promise you. They are only there for what is convenient and comfortable. When the going gets tough, you're on your own. So don't ever need anything, keep things light and funny, and don't ask questions.

Ok. I'm done asking. And now I'm going to the art opening.

Mostly Normal

So far today, I have pretended to be a mostly normal person. I watered the plants, did some schoolwork, went to the beach, got the mail. Tonight I am planning on going to an art opening, and Boy B will be coming with me, if he doesn't flake out. I have very little faith in him at this point, so if my phone rings, it will be a miracle. It is a beautiful day here. And I'm getting hungry so I have to think about what I want for lunch. I'm going to try to do some schoolwork today, which means deconstructing Desparate Housewives until it's just a big pile of stereotypes and metaphors. Doesn't that sound like fun? I thought so.

Still not a peep from Kid A, which is why I'm trying so hard to keep myself occupied. Otherwise I'll start calling and leaving tons of messages that will most likely become either more angry or more whiny. And right now I'm on the side of angry because he is being a total jerk and I don't like the way he is treating me because I don't deserve it and I haven't done anything wrong. And now I'm going to have to tell the pro the same tired story about poor me and why aren't people nice to me and wah wah wah. But people should be nicer to me. Especially people that I go out of my way to be nice to.

Anyway, I need to take a shower. I have sand all over me.

Grr

Today I work for the first time since my birthday. And who knows when I will work again after today. My financial state is starting to become a seriously stressful issue. If only I could have been rich instead of beautiful. I'm also being reintroduced to what it feels like to be ignored. And it's starting to piss me off. I asked Kid A some serious questions and he "needed to think" and I haven't heard from him since. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think he could handle it. Or that I could. But the thing is, I'm not asking him to change anything, I'm just asking him to think, which he clearly doesn't want to do. I'm getting angry just thinking about it.

I went out last night with a girlfriend, and we proceeded to fight about just about everything all night. Sometimes she becomes this materialistic woman who only cares about money and passes judgement on people so quickly and harshly that I feel like I don't even know her. Do we ever know our friends? How much can their values be different from our own and still keep them close? I suppose her judgement of "feasible partners" explains why she thinks I date losers. Because I haven't dated anyone who is rich or aspires to be so. And it also explains why the men she dates treat her like a possession. Or a commodity. Grr. I'm getting angry again.

Midterms are this week. I have a paper due next week. I need to get so much done this weekend. I'm hoping I'll be able to stay focused and get things done, because this is serious work. Anyway, that's about it.

Hope you are getting your chemicals back under control.

Punk

It's a lovely day outside. Probably the nicest I've seen in a while. I kind of want to go to the beach, but I just took a shower, and I don't want to take another one today. Maybe it will be nice tomorrow too. But I'll have to get up earlier tomorrow. Maybe Wednesday. It's October, so beach days are going to be waning very soon. But not today. Boy B might be coming over later (after he gets off work) which is fine but then I have to go to class so I'll be leaving him here while I'm gone which is kind of weird but it means he doesn't have to drive home which is an hour away. And when I get home we'll go out and see a movie or something. I'm going to have to hide the painting he wants to have, because I already promised it a long time ago to Kid A and I signed it on the back for him and I don't want Boy B to see that I signed it for someone else, even though it all happened before I ever knew him. I even made him his own painting and he still wants the other one. Typical. He's been a lot nicer to me, and by nicer I mean that he calls when he says he's going to. I'm still not sure where this is headed, because our schedules are ridiculous and he remains distant most of the time, even though he's affectionate when he's with me.

I saw the pro at the club last week and it seemed like she helped me for the day, but then the rest of the days since then haven't been so hot. I'm starting to think I need some kind of chemical assistance to jump start me out of this funk that keeps following me around. But I don't think there's a chemical out there that does what I need it to do. They just put you to sleep, and I definitely don't need any help in that area. Anyway, I have to go. I have quizzes to grade for this stupid class I have today.

And you didn't call me like you said you would. Punk.