Monster

I am not a monster. I'm just a person. And I do human things. I fall in love, get trampled, make bad decisions, and want to strangle people that are my friends. I'm getting close to planning an intervention for a friend who has some sort of phobia that is akin to alcoholism, and she's taking me and several others down with her. I am not a doctor, and she needs professional help that I cannot provide.

I don't have the emotional stability myself to deal with constantly wondering if she's ok, because when it comes right down to it, I'm not even ok. I'm a wreck. And while she has people to take care of her, I don't. No one is here to hug me and say everything is going to be ok, and yes, I need that. But I live in a hermetically sealed universe where no one is overly concerned with what is going on in my life, no one calls just to see if I'm feeling ok, and no one is providing a shoulder for me to cry on. I don't remember the last time anyone even touched me or gave me a hug. I am cut off from every other human emotionally AND physically. I am alone in this town. When do I get to talk about MY problems? When does someone listen to ME? When does someone put ME first instead of thinking about their own stuff? When are my feelings going to be important?

I may feel like a monster sometimes, but I still have feelings. Even if no one around me cares about them.

Broken-Hearted

I'm doing a bad job of being a human. But I'm really just regressing into panic mode where all I care about is self-preservation. And I'm not even doing a decent job of that. I am wholly unable to protect myself, and I hate that. I should be able to put my own well-being first, and stay away from things that cause me pain and suffering. But I'm not. I'm pathetic. Loathesome. The sheer ridiculousness of my inability to save myself from drowning is inexplicable and frustrating.

Today is the second day of February, and I am compulsively counting the days until I see the pro again, because I need her to give me the answers that will magically fix my life and transform it into one that is charmed instead of cursed. I'm stupid. I'm ridiculous. I'm pathetic. I'm hopeless.

I'm broken-hearted.

Strange Things

There are strange things happening to me. Things that don't normally happen. Last night I went to a special screening of a new movie and I won a shirt and a poster without meaning to. I didn't even really want them, but what do you do when everyone is looking at you to be excited?

Today at the coffee shop there is a guy who came in and looked at me several times. I don't know what his deal is. He looks like a relatively normal dude. It kind of weirds me out. People don't normally look at me. I blend.

I have a lot of work to do and I don't feel like doing any of it. I'm planning on going to the beach today, as the weather is beautiful, if only a little chilly. I have to see him again today, and I'm not looking forward to it. It's amazing how my days with him used to be the highlight of my week, and now they are the thing I dread more than anything. I spend the other six days trying to figure out the best ways of avoiding seeing or talking to him on a day that I am forced to see him.

These are the mantras:

Don't Panic
Make Distractions
Move On