Movie

My movie thing is next week. One of my guys dropped out and I'm going to have to find another guy ASAP. I'm stressed out about the whole thing. And I still have to go to class and all that other fun stuff. I did enjoy some R&R in Newport. I had some turkey with friends. I was full, but I still have a hankering for turkey. I guess I didn't get enough. I have to work tonight for some x-mas party. This morning I decided to stay away from the drink for at least a week. Turns out it makes me really really sleepy before I can ever get schnockered, so that kind of takes all the fun out of it. I'm making another little movie, and I'm hoping it will take not as long as I think it will. I think that's about it.

Procrastination

Right now I'm procrastinating writing a paper that is due this afternoon. Yes, this is how I got into college. This is how I got through college. And this might be how I drop out of college. But I just don't feel like talking about sex and violence right now. I just want to skip town for a couple of days before turkey day. I discovered today that Dr. Evil was also invited to the party I was invited to, and no one bothered to tell me he was invited. He's not going, but I would have appreciated a heads up on that one. I would avoid any place where he might show up.

The other dude went on his booty call to France without even a phone call. Jerk. I have subsequently erased him from my phone and my e-mail list. I'm tired of being treated like I don't exist. Or that I only exist when he feels like paying attention. Fuck that. I need real friends.

I'm going to Newport later today for some R&R. Hosted by Marriott, of course. The boy is supposed to go with me, but he hasn't called me since Saturday, so who knows. He has until after my class tonight to get in touch with me, and after that, I'm going with or without him. I will definitely be accompanied by wine, champagne, and chocolate truffles. Anyway, enough procrastination.

Wish me luck.

We'll See

It's cloudy today. I have one week to finish two term papers, and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do it. I'm going to see the pro at the club tomorrow, which is a much needed visit. My swing needs some work. I no longer have feelings, which I guess is a good thing for now. They were becoming a liability. This class I'm in is all about women on television, and I feel like something about it is helping me to realize how programmed I am and there's probably nothing I can do about it. If only the fairy tale would come true. I realized yesterday that part of my problem may be that I'm just too skinny, even though a lot of guys say that's good. I realized that a lot of guys have left me and hooked up with a chick who outweighs me by twenty pounds. So they only say they want the skinny chick, but in real life, they want the housewife. Or maybe they want to screw the skinny chick, but keep the housewife. The thing is, being skinny is just how I am. I've always been this way. I don't know if I could gain twenty pounds even if I wanted to. And even if it got me a boyfriend, I don't know if I could stand myself. I have enough issues as it is.

So anyway, Kid A leaves on Saturday, and it may just be the last time I talk to him. I have this sneaking feeling that I'm never going to see him again after this. I guess we'll see.

Boy B called last night. It looks like we might be going to the big city next week for a couple of nights. I guess we'll see about that too.

I have to figure out what to make for t-day. I need a dish, and I don't know what. I'm an able cook, but I'm not the casserole type and I need enough to feed fifteen people. Maybe a salad. I usually make truffles, but I don't think I'm going to have time this year. Maybe risotto. I don't know. We'll see.

Dudes and Drinks

I went out last night and "partied". Luckily, I got past the point of drunkenness that causes me to dial certain people's phone numbers. I got to the point I just wanted to pee and then go to sleep, which I did. At one point last night, I was making out with a sailor who lied about probably everything he said, but I don't care, because I told a bunch of indie rockers my name is Monique. I also wore a bra and a low cut dress last night, which got me a fair amount of attention. Attention I haven't been getting from the dude who is supposed to be giving me attention. Jerk.

So last week he asked me if I wanted to get away for turkey day and I said sure and I haven't talked to him since then. He has neglected to return any of my phone calls. And then another person we both know asked me what I was doing for t-day, and I said I wasn't sure. He said he and the jerk were going to the desert together. So this jerk would rather go away with another dude than go away with me. What an idiot. So I guess that ship has sailed. What a surprise.

The other guy is going to be away for something like two or three weeks visiting that disgusting french hussie, which makes me want to puke just thinking about it. I hate dudes. They suck. And they're stupid.

Sunniest Place on Earth

I've been busy. It's that time of year, or semester. I'm going to be shooting my movie at the end of the month, and I'm trying to get things straightened out before then. The holiday is coming up, and this is the most depressing time of the year for me. It's that time of year when I get to be constantly reminded that no one cares about me, I have no plans for any of the holidays, and there will be no possibility of any sort of romantic season for me. Just like every year. This is even worse than Valentine's day, because it lasts for two months and three holidays.

I also wish I could feel something more than mild disappointment, but my emotions have evaporated, which is probably for the best. I'd probably be dead by now if they were still around. They're nothing but trouble. I feel less crazy, but I also feel less connected to myself and everyone else. I can't say I really care a whole lot about anything. Which I guess is the point. I haven't seen the pro for about a month, but I'll visit her next week. And the technician the week after that. I keep thinking they are going to fix me, but they never do. I've started wondering where I should go to fix myself. I obviously haven't been able to make this place work, and it's been three years. I don't know that time is going to be a plus in this case. What is it about SoCal that makes it so impossible for me to fit in and be happy? Is it me, or is it them? It seems like a place where I should be able to be happy, but I haven't been for pretty much the whole time I've been here. It seems kind of hopeless, because there's no way I could know how I could be happy somewhere else if I can't make it work in the sunniest place in the world. Anyway, fuck this place. I'm almost done, and then we'll see what happens.