My Brother

I'm baack. I must say, it is much more humid here than I remember. It's ok, I like it. I just think I might need to invest in a fan very soon.

Before I left, younger brother happened to grace us with his presence, but only for a short time. Alas, he had to go do whatever it is he does, and I had to go to the airport. I don't really remember when I last saw him; it may have been in January, or maybe last August. Whenever it was, he has definitely changed since then. He seems to have misplaced his neck, and he's now built like one of those men that says things like "got damn" and "hellfar" and other very intelligent sounding phrases while balancing a Keystone Light on their ample bellies which, if they were female, would cause people to ask when they were due. He's developed jowls that shake just a little when he talks, and his fingers could be mistaken for bratwurst by a hungry dog. And I just have to shake my head and wonder: What happened? But then I remember, I don't really care. This is the kid who couldn't be bothered to call or show up for the nine days I was home, didn't trouble himself to show up to celebrate my dad's birthday with us, and still insists on not having any kind of phone (as it is, in his estimation, a waste of money), even though I believe he secretly has one, but tells his family otherwise so no one will "bother" him.

I generally try to be understanding to other people, and as I get older, I try to make concessions to my family and their idiosyncrasies, because lord knows I have plenty of my own. However, in this case, I feel that he has crossed many lines and insulted the whole family with his snotty attitude, and as far as I'm concerned, he is no brother of mine. My brother gives me a hug when he sees me and says how are you and has conversations with me and my parents. And this man does not. He "borrows" from my parents, neglects to tell anyone what he is doing or even where he is or who he is with, and even if he says he'll be somewhere, odds are against it. He is the most selfish, unreliable, fatass jerk I know, and I've known some. So I guess that's it. Until he figures out how to be a member of my family, he is simply not in it. At least not for me.

One Night in Limbo

One more night in limbo. Tomorrow I go back to sleep in my own bed, even though it is beautiful here. Tomorrow I figure out my work schedule, probably for the rest of the summer. Tomorrow I start planning the rest of my life without bad things getting in my way. Tomorrow I exist. This, today, is just practice. Nothing matters all that much. I can eat anything, see anyone, do anything, and tomorrow it will all be erased. No one will ever remember.

The work on my film is coming along, but now I need to get back so I can put everything together. Right now everything is strewn about in a pile of papers and digital photos that I'll need to print out, and I'm wincing at the amount of ink I'm going to be using to do it. I just hope that everyone at home has their shit together so I can look like I do. Making movies can be very scary and intimidating. You never know what you forgot until it's too late. And I feel like I forgot a whole bunch of stuff.

I'm planning on being very busy with school next semester. Twelve credits. Maybe not. I'm still not sure what I want to do. But the financial aid is running out and I have to get the most out of it, so that means more classes. Plus I don't want to have time to worry about anyone else on campus. I just don't want to be so busy I don't have time to worry about someone off campus. I'm strange. But I'm trying to take precautions. I'll figure it out by then probably. Anyway, I guess that's about it.

We should really talk sometime.

Exahusted

I'm so exhausted. I slept for 12 hours last night. I think I have sunstroke or something. Who knew I would have to leave California to get it? Anyway, I have two more days before I leave, and I guess I'm ready. Part of me doesn't want to go back, but another part of me really misses the beach and my bed and a couple of people that I like. Plus there's really nothing for me to do here. Except drive around endlessly, it would seem.

I'm finally getting over the pain of horsebackriding, which is a good thing. For a couple of days, I thought my ass was broken. After I get home, I have to really be serious about my film and show everyone what is going on. I'm a little scared, since I never seem to feel like I have a handle on what's going on. When I get home, I'm planning on letting my life do its thing, because it wasn't very much fun in the past few months and I'm ready for some fun. I'm ready to see the BF again and talk about a party. Go to a party. Party.

I guess that's about it.

I'm Glad

So far so good. Last night I gorged myself on sushi and then had some potent drinks. And then I woke up too early, like I have been doing for about a month now, and here I am. My body is sore from riding the horse (not the metaphorical kind--the real kind), and I'm probably going to be riding again tomorrow or the next day. I'm going to try to work on my movie today when I get home, but first I have to drive the two hours home, which I really don't want to do. I wish I had a chauffeur.

I called a boy last night (not late) and pretended to be drunk because then I wouldn't have to make an excuse for why I was calling. It didn't hurt that I was a little tipsy. I just wanted to talk and hear a comforting voice for a few minutes. I find that when I am on vacation, I act a lot more fabulous than I do at home. And I seem to recall kissing a bartender and a guy friend of my girl friend last night (no tongue in either case), even though I didn't find either one of them particularly attractive (well, the bartender wasn't bad). But it's only because I can. There are no consequences. And I know I'm not going any further than that because I'm with my girlfriend who will protect me from evil if I'm too stupid to do it myself. Although I'm pretty good at it these days.

On a side note, the climate here is messing with me. My throat is a little bit sore and my nose is stuffy. I'm hoping it will pass and that I'm not getting sick because that would really be miserable. But I'm confident that it will go away as long as I can get some freaking rest, which is sometimes difficult since my sleep is all messed up these days. But I'm sure Mom can take care of me.

Last night I had a dream that my boss at work was giving me suggestions for filming locations and one of them was in front of a statue of FDR (a place/statue that only exists in this dream). The night before, I had a dream that my BF's friend, Drunky McDrunkerson suggested we have a threesome, and I seemed to be the only one who wasn't really into the idea. All that talk about strippers, I suppose (a tale I have to tell, not write).

I'm glad I'm on vacation. I'm glad I'm away from the stress of my life in SD. I'm glad I have family and friends here to hang out with and keep me busy. I'm glad I'm having fun. I'm glad I'm not missing home right now and wishing I was there instead of here. But I still wish I was back in Cannes.

Sad

After I got back from Mexico today, I bottled my wine and took a nice hot shower. Then I watched the horserace that I had recorded. And now I am very sad. I liked Barbaro a lot, plus he's a really pretty horse and no one could have beaten him. But I also really like horses, and I don't like it when bad things happen to them. I know it sounds really sappy to care about a racehorse I don't own that is owned by people I don't know and will never know. But you know how I feel about the ponies and he was an awesome horse. Imagine if Micheal Jordan had had a career ending injury during his rookie year. Think of all the championships you would have never seen him win. And on top of it, they don't even know if the horse will recover enough that they won't have to put him down (which just goes to show you how ridiculously crude veterinary science can be, but that's another story). So anyway that's all I have to say about that.

I'm going home tomorrow and I have a lot of stuff to do before then. Mostly cleaning the house kind of stuff, but also packing and going out to the country to play a little before I leave. It's not that late, but I'm exhausted. So that's all for now.

Early

Not only is it very early in the morning, but I've been up long enough to have a shower and check all my e-mail. Something is terribly wrong with me that this is possible. I'm hoping that I'll get sleepy before too long and go back to bed before I have to get ready for work. Why am I awake? I think it's the sugar.

I went to the art thing last night instead of catching my big screen acting debut. Maybe that makes me lame (am I a lame-o?) or maybe it makes me pretentious or maybe it makes me cool. I don't know. But the art thing was interesting, because there were pieces by famous people (Dr. Seuss was one of them) and there was this freaky band wearing crazy clothes and dancing and it was almost like beatnik poetry night except with brighter colors and fishnet tights. We also found a collection of presidential figurines, and proceeded to engage in a discussion about who our favorite prez was. I picked Coolidge because the figurine was so snappily dressed. LBJ was missing an arm for some reason. And he was the most recent prez in the collection. And Kennedy was missing.

The people watching was particularly interesting, because of the variety of people who come to these kinds of things. Plus there was free alcohol, so that always makes for fun. I will always be amazed at how the artist guy in attendance gets hot chicks to flock to him like moths to a flame when he looks like he hasn't shaved or had a haircut or maybe even a shower in at least 8 months. He looks like a recent desert island escapee. But the chicks dig him, and I don't get it. Someone else I barely know (I had class with her last semester) happened to be there, and I learned more about her in the five minute conversation we had than I knew the entire semester we had class together.

Afterwards, we went to a bar and I struck up a conversation with some dude who proceeded to try to kiss me and then broke my shirt when he hugged me, nearly exposing me to half the bar. And while he sort of fixed it, it's still broken and I don't know if it will ever be like it used to be and that makes me sad because it was a sassy shirt, which is probably how I ended up with more of his attention than I wanted in the first place. And so the circle is complete.

So today will be work and trying to get organized. There is some shopping that I must do before work, and after as well. (I still need to buy some ice cream) And tomorrow is Mexico and then my real vacation starts on Sunday evening and I am looking forward to it mostly.

I think that's all. It's still way too early in the morning. WTF?

Friday Time

So today at work they asked me if I could come in on Friday and since I'm taking the next two weeks off, I said ok. More perky people for one more day. I'm going in around 2, so if you are around before that, I will be. I doubt I'll work for a very long time. I'm thinking I'll be done by 7 at the latest. Today I only worked 4 hours.

Tonight I'm going to an art thing with cocktails that I can walk to from my house. My new BF is coming, along with someone else, so it should be fun. I'm starting to get that pre-vacation feeling of having a lot to do and no time to do it. I have to clean this place up and pack and get organized before Sunday, and Saturday I'm going to be busy for most of the day. I'm a little upset that I'm most likely going to miss the horse race, because you know how much I like watching the races. Oh well. Maybe they broadcast in Mexico too.

Anyway, that's about it. Later.

Today & Tomorrow

I wanted to go to the opera last night, but they don't want to sell out, so I didn't. Sometimes it sucks to be poor. Instead, I hung out with my new BF and we were going to go watch jazz, but after drinking a bottle of wine here, we decided to just stay here and drink. It was fun to hang out and chat about everything and nothing for hours. And the wine was tasty, too. Today I go to work in a couple of hours and hang out with demanding perky people who are wasting their money and their time on what seems to be a pyramid scheme of the worst order. I laugh at their naivete. I cringe at their PMA.

Tomorrow I will get my house in order for me to be absent for a while. Cleaning and organizing will be the order. I also have to go get some ice cream because it's on sale and I need to go to the mall and buy a picture frame and some film. Yes, sometimes digital is not where it's at. Hard to believe, I know.

But right now I'm thinking that I need to make myself some lunch before I go to work and I also need a shower. So there you go.

Summer Escape

It's Wednesday morning and I have nothing to do until 3. Then I go teach my skills to young girls so they can grow up to be bad asses. It's very cloudy, and it almost looks like it might rain, but it doesn't really rain in California, so maybe it's all in my head. I wish it would be sunny because my tan is fading and I haven't been to the beach for a week and a half, and that was just for a quick walk.

I'm starting to feel the burn of summer, where I won't have anything to do so I'll have to find stuff to do. I'm looking forward to it. If there's one thing I can do, it's entertain myself. I have lots of books that I haven't read that I bought back in August, I have two paintings in progress, and I should bottle my wine sometime this week before I leave. I guess my goal is to be a functioning human and get super smart over summer, but we'll see. I'm not always as driven as I sound. And once the sun comes out, I'll be going to the beach every day, so I won't have time to get bored with doing nothing in the house.

I realized that I haven't taken a summer off of school for three years, or ever since I moved here. It's time for a break. And I think back on when I lived there instead of here, and I was always working for some reason. I guess I needed the money, but did I need it bad enough to work over 50 hours a week? Did I ever have fun back then? I do seem to recall more or less supporting a man who really needed a mommy instead of a girlfriend, which is probably why we didn't have all that much sex. I miss the old days of hanging out with my work buddies at the bar and basically doing nothing exciting ever. Not that I do now, but I definitely don't go to bars with people from work, or with anyone for that matter, because bars are an expensive and sometimes stressful endeavor out here.

I'm going to Mexico for the day on Saturday. It will be the first time I have ever crossed the border in my entire life. It should be interesting. Will the Kentucky National Guard be waiting for me? Hmm. I leave on Sunday night. I'm very excited about being home during the most beautiful time of the year and riding horses and seeing my two crazy friends that always seem to have drama in their lives. I'm looking forward to seeing the mountains. I'm looking forward to being away from here for a while. Temporary escape, I guess.

Men at Work

I went to work and kind of got less sad. I also left half my brain at home, so I was kind of out of it and didn't really concern myself too much with the public's problems today. They complain, and I just nod my head and say "ok". And then I go back to what I was doing.

Sometimes when I'm at work the men around me act kind of funny. One of them I think would love to tear my clothes off and have his way with me, but obviously can't since we're at work. But he touches me a lot. I don't really mind all that much because of course I like the attention, but I know not to test those waters unless I'm ok with the possible consequences of doing so. Another guy always seems to be really happy to see me, and he likes to talk and hang out when we can and he's really nice to me. He's also almost 10 years younger than me, so he seems like kind of a kid to me. But sometimes he hugs me and asks me when I'm working again and I don't know if he's just making conversation or if he's really looking forward to working with me again. And it wouldn't be because I'm such a diligent worker. I do what I have to and nothing more. Yes, I'm a slacker, but if you did my job, you probably would be too.

I think on the whole the guys at work are kind of protective of us girls, and they seem to enjoy showing us all how they can lift heavy objects, which is just fine by me because I'm not too keen on heavy lifting.

Also, there was a man with the conference today who came and asked me some questions about the food, and as he walked past me he put both his hands on my shoulders. He was kind of cute, but what kind of crazy dude thinks it's ok to touch a woman he doesn't know? At her place of employment? It made me feel kind of weird, since he obviously was ignoring the boundaries that most people observe when they are a customer somewhere. I have certainly never touched a salesperson or waiter like that. Creepy.

Anyway, today was kind of quiet, and my phone rang just enough times to make me happy and the conversations were just long enough to satisfy my appetite for company. You should call me some time, because I'm sure we have stories to trade.

Pauses

Sometimes good things happen and when they are over I get really sad because I don't want them to be over. And today I'm sad and I don't want to be because I had a good time hanging out and it was fun and everything. I just didn't want it to be over. I wanted it to last and I wanted to make up excuses for it to last and I know this isn't making any sense but nothing makes sense anymore. But I don't like when good things end and there's no telling when they will come around again and I want good things every day and every night and I just can't have them and so I get sad and a little bit lonely and wish there was something I could do to take my mind off of it, but there isn't because I'm just sitting at home waiting to go to work and reminiscing about how much fun I had. And I wish there was someone I could call to talk to about it, but there really isn't anyone available right now. I'll just have to wait. Like everything else.

Completely separate from that, yesterday was my last day of obligations for the semester. It feels great for that to be over. I've been counting the days for quite some time now, and it's finally done and I can hopefully get on with life and forget about the worst six months of my life. And hopefully the next six will be good, and maybe even get better and better as they go along.

Once this week is over, I'll be at home with the fam for a while, which will be a welcome change in my life, because I won't be in the rut of being here and then when I get back I'm thinking that my life will be different, which I know is naive, but I'm going to believe it anyway. My vacation is like the breaking off point where things end (even though they are already over), or maybe just the stopping point where I get to start over fresh, as if I just got here when I get back. I know it sounds stupid, but I have to get my mind in the right place in order to change things.

Now if I can only stop being sad about the other endings that aren't really endings, they're just pauses.

Last Night

I had to work last night for a fund raiser for a Catholic church. Man those people can drink. And complain. There's nothing like a bunch of drunk church ladies at the end of the night that can't find their stuff and think you took it and then after practically accusing you of stealing some little sheaf of church papers, they find that one of the other drunk ladies already put it with all the other stuff. Would they remember if I punched them in the face?

Anyway, on the upside, I made some cash, so now I can pay for the necklace, which is hopefully finished and I will hopefully be able to pick up on Monday, the last day I'm going to be on campus for the semester, and hopefully the last time until August. Monday is the last day of my obligations; I have to grade the finals, which will take a couple of hours. And then I'm going to come home and celebrate by opening a bottle (or two) of champagne and forgetting about the last six months. It will be as if they never happened.

I'm a little tired of the weather; it has been cloudy for over a week now. June Gloom they call it. Or I guess it's actually May Gray since it's not quite June yet. I'm ready for Yeah May or something along those lines.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go soak in the tub. My feet hurt and I have to work again tonight.

Yesterday

Sorry I missed your call yesterday, I was visiting some friends and didn't get home until very late. Speaking of yesterday, that's pretty much all I did. I know I have a talent for being lazy, but yesterday I took it to a whole new level. And it felt great. Today I have to work, but I'm going to try to accomplish a couple of things before then. I already watched a movie, and I think I'm going to try to paint and clean up a little. You know how I always seem to have little piles of stuff sitting everywhere, and I never have a place to put it, so it just sits there. I'm going to try to find places for that stuff today so I can vacuum, because it just needs to be done.

I'm assuming you're flying back today. Hope you enjoyed your vacation. It sounds like you were pretty exhausted by the whole thing. You know kids will do that to you.

I guess that's about it. If you are around in the next couple of hours, you should call me. I'll be around until I have to work at 4. Hope you are well and not too jet lagged.

Phew

Phew, the day is over. And I'm ready to settle down and have some bourbon and listen to the hum of my refrigerator. Some days it seems very loud. I don't know why. Today was one of those busy days that starts as soon as you get up and doesn't end until you are ready to go to bed. I guess that's the kind of day most people have every day, but I'm not used to it. But I'm not really tired. I'm actually kind of wound up. I'm excited that all my work for the semester is over and I don't really have to think about it anymore. I'm excited that the next big thing I have going on is going to see the fam. And the next week will bring with it the sweet taste of summer.

Tomorrow I'm free to do whatever I want, but I do have to go see the pro at the club at noon. I guess I have stuff to tell her, but mainly I'm just constantly confused at the state I find myself in and how I keep failing to get myself out of whatever I've gotten into. It's like I'm Luke Skywalker and she's Yoda and I just have to figure it all out for myself. She's not little and green, though.

So if the weather is nice, I'll go to the beach for some much needed R&R. If it's not nice, I'll stay in and paint, since I've slacked on that the past couple of weeks. Or maybe I'll write something since I never actually finished. I'll walk to the mailbox and send my mom a card to show I'm a good daughter. And maybe I'll see if I can get together with my friends for a long overdue movie night with some gossip on the side. That would be nice. Tomorrow is also payday, so that will be extra nice too. Maybe I'll get some of that knitting done too. And catch up on my tivo, even though that's not really what they call it.

Last Day!

I went to a concert last night and got to see a lot of people who were glad to see me and gave me hugs to prove it. It wasn't a typical concert, though. There was a person dressed as a ghost who danced, a jazz piano playing break dancer, performance artists, and long-haired, heavy metal playing twins. There was other stuff too. It makes me miss the geeks in the music department, because they're not geeks at all, they're some of the coolest people on the planet. Way cooler than those business majors that wear the latest fashions and walk cool. The music people are cool because they are themselves and they don't care what anyone else thinks about their pink shoes or their beret or their crazy hair. But the best part is, that's what they all love about each other. The weird shit is what makes them fit in. It's like a little family over there.

Our department is not like that. It's all cliques and trying to keep people from stealing your ideas, even though your ideas aren't worth stealing anyway. It's not a big family of circus freak weirdos. It's a bunch of people trying to one-up each other and make each other look bad. You're shooting 24p? Well I'm shooting 16mm. Well I'M shooting 35, so there. It fucking sucks. Which is part of the reason I'm so burnt out on that place.

So today is the last day of class and I couldn't be happier. He's not returning my calls, or answering the originals, so that means he's mad at me (again). Oh well. They say you can't please all of the people... And right now, I am all about pleasing myself and not worrying about anyone else. So he can suck it for all I care. Now if only those students would stop pestering me about the final, everything would be just perfect. Last day last day last day!!!!!

Until Then

I thought I was doing pretty good. I thought I was getting over it. And then today I had to call him for a class thing, and the machine picked up and her voice was on it. It made my stomach turn and I thought I was going to throw up. I was having a pretty good day until then. And all this bad shit started going through my head again and I started to get angry again and I wish he was here so I could throw something at him.

And now I realize, I made the right choice. The choice to stay away, to erase him (and her) from my life as much as possible and start fresh without any crap dragging me down. Because as long as I'm around him, I can't get better, no matter how good I feel sometimes. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach and I don't want to shake when I'm so mad and I don't want my days to be ruined by little things. I want to love my life and the people in it, which I'm really trying hard to do. And I often succeed.

I really sucks when you think you have got a handle on things, and then you realize you really don't. You aren't even close. But I fantasize about the day I bump into them on the street, and she's gotten fat and he's gotten old and I still look hot and young and I can be glad they wound up together because the one I'm with is also going to be hot and young, not to mention unbelievably cool. And this guy with that girl will think to himself, man, how did I ever let her get away. I'm such an idiot. And maybe he'll call and try to be friends with me, and I'll be gentle and say, I have a new life now, and you have yours. This was what you wanted, and now you've got it. Suck it.

But until then, I'll just make sure to stay as far away as possible.

Sea World

Last night I had a dream that I revamped Sea World. And I found out that Shamu was just a guy in a suit and wanted to be called Mike because the name Shamu made him feel fat. And I could ice skate really well. And make fun of people from New England.

It's very cloudy today. I'm wondering if it's going to rain. I hope not, but at least there's no temptation to go to the beach today. Maybe I'll get all this crap done that I need to do.

I'm hungry. I hate it when I wake up hungry.

Excited for Summer

Today I actually accomplished a couple of things. I made copies of all my keys, so when I lock myself out of my house, the spare set will be sitting safely on the kitchen counter. Isn't that nice? I also did some writing that I'll have to turn in on Wednesday. I wrote somewhere around 1500 words and the whole things totals almost 14000 (that's about 50 pages for all you folks back home). I'd like to get three more chapters done before then, but I'm not sure I'm going to have the time. If I buckle down again tomorrow, then maybe. I just have these stupid papers to grade by Wednesday too. It's almost over. Almost over. Almost over.

I worked today again, and notice a letter that someone wrote to the office since Saturday, saying that I was a great bartender. As if there was any doubt. It's easy to be a great bartender when I don't have to charge people. Plus I'm way cuter than those guy bartenders they have. I'm working again on Friday, and I told them I could work Thursday night too if they needed me. And all next week, since there's no class. I'm hoping they'll give me a few shifts before I leave town. I could really use the dough. But hopefully these three shifts and whatever I worked last week (I don't even remember when it was) will be a nice addition to my bank account. You never can tell.

So it looks like I'm starting to be ready to actually work for a while and only be busy with that. There are some complications, like scheduling appointments with the pro at the club and stuff like that, but I guess I'll figure that out when the time comes. Still, it will be interesting to act more like a normal person instead of a low-life student.

Speaking of which, I consolidated my loans today. I read that interest rates are going to jump to 6.8% in July. That's two whole points in two months. Crazy. It was so much better at 2.8%. Stupid gubment. They suck. I guess they have to pay for killing American soldiers somehow, and raiding funding for my education is the logical choice. Really. The more ignorant I am, the more they will be able to keep doing stupid shit and get away with it because I won't know any better. Fuckers.

Last thing--I'm excited for summer. In case there was ever any doubt.

Not Psychic, Just Crazy

So yesterday I discovered that I'm not psychic. I'm just crazy. What a relief. Who wants to be psychic anyway? That's a lot of pressure. Today I'm going to make an attempt to get cracking on this story I have to turn in on Wednesday. It doesn't have to be finished, so I'm having to apply pressure to myself, which is not something I'm very good at. I'm trying, though. It's cloudy (again), so at least I'm not being tempted by the beach. I have to work tonight, so hopefully that will go well. I'm hoping for some dinero to come my way, since I've got debts to pay and want to keep my knees intact. Oddly enough, I'm kind of looking forward to working, since there's not much else to do on a Monday night and money is good.

I'm going to visit the fam in two weeks. I have a feeling that things are not good between my mom and big sister. Not that anyone has said anything, but I just get that feeling since my mom seems overly concerned about not pissing big sister off. Weird. I think big sister just needs to get off her high horse and let bygones be bygones. Just a thought. I have two days of class left. I can't wait for them to be over. It's going to be so sweet. I'm sitting here smiling just thinking about it.

Grief and Nothing

I don't know if I mentioned it, but I spent money I don't have yesterday. I don't really regret it, but I'm sure I will when I get my credit card statement. I bought a kimono and a haori (shorter version of a kimono). They are really cool. I learned how to tie an obi, but I would be hard pressed to figure it out again on my own. It was still pretty cool to see the little Japanese women do it, though. They were funny. Maybe I'll take a picture of them (the kimonos, that is) and send it to you.

I called my friend in another time zone (not the one you know) and told her about my inklings. She told me I was jumping to conclusions like I always do and that I always think the worst. I want to think that she's right, but I know that when I figure things out, I figure them out. I'm not often wrong. Or at least not completely wrong. I usually have at least a little bit right. This is one where I hope I'm wrong. I haven't wanted to be more wrong in a long time.

I've made the calls I needed to make, and now all I can do is wait and see what happens. I don't know how long that will take, but patience is not something I have a lot of in these situations. I need to know everything and I need to know it now. At times like this I wish I really was psychic and could read minds and tell the future so I can know what's going to happen to me and prevent it if I need to.

I heard a line in a movie today that said "Between grief and nothing, I choose grief". I wish I could say I feel the same way, but grief is supposed to go away, and so far, it has only compounded itself.

Call

I'm 80% sure that I'm right. God I hate being psychic. My injuries are being aggravated, and now I have no way to deal with them. No one to take care of me when I'm not feeling good. This sucks. I know you're on vacation, but if you get a minute, call me. I could use it.

Psychic

Ok, so I sort of picked the winner, at the last minute. But it was before they started running. So it still counts. The other day I got a massage and the lady told me I was psychic. Who knew? Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I am, and I seriously hope I'm not. Because that means that when I think something is happening, or going to happen, there's a good possibility that it will. And sometimes I hate being right. Right now, I'm thinking that I'm being avoided because the truth is going to hurt a whole hell of a lot and I'm tired of hurting. I want some good feelings.

What I want is to go riding tomorrow and enjoy the sun and remember what it's like to have friends that like hanging out with me. That shouldn't be a lot to ask, but if I'm right, it's an impossible thing to ask. And I will be back at square one, with nothing and no one looking out for me. I don't want to be psychic. I want to be lucky.

Picks

I'm still about Bob and John, even though I haven't seen him yet. I also like Barbaro because his trainer is a cool guy.

Quiet Weekend

Yesterday I didn't really talk to anyone. At least not anyone who lives in this town. I spent the majority of the day wandering around by myself. I'm ok with that. It looks like today will be much of the same. Yesterday I went to the museum. I can walk there and it's $2 for students. Pretty cool. I did some work at home that I'll have to turn in next week. I still need to do more work on it; I will try to get some done today, but probably more Sunday and Monday. I putzed around the house some and took an unnecessary nap, then hopped in the car and went to a horse show wearing a jacket that was not adequate for evening temperatures. I hate it when I underestimate the weather. It was fun to go to the horse show, and I found myself trying to explain the difference between a hunter and a jumper to a woman and her daughter. It should be an easy explanation, but I fumbled with it terribly. But it's not that big a deal; I didn't know the difference until I was in high school. I wish I had a horse. Or could afford a horse.

I came home when the cold got to be too much for me, so I didn't stay to the end. It was after 10 anyway, so I felt like I'd gotten my money's worth. I took a hot bath, drank some bourbon, and did some reading. Then I got into bed and slept horribly all night. Either because I was restless or because of that confounded nap.

Today I'm going to the park by the zoo to check out a kimono sale. I seriously doubt I have the means to buy a kimono, but I just want to look at them. I bet they'll be cool. I'm going to try to get home to watch the Derby, and then go to work, missing the horse show I'd been planning to go see for a month and a half. Those fuckers at work really have no mercy. I know I shouldn't be that upset about missing the show, but I really wanted to go, and they ignored me when I asked for the day off. And I know it's going to be cool. Maybe I can tivo it. Not that it will be the same.

Tomorrow is still kind of wide open. I think the weather is supposed to be pretty nice, so that opens up a lot of possibilities. There's a film thing tomorrow I wanted to go to. I think it's at night. There's also a French film playing that is supposed to be really good, so I want to check that out before it closes on Thursday. Other than that, my Sunday will most likely be spent writing, reading, and trekking down to the beach, which I haven't visited for over a week because of this annoying cloud cover. Stupid marine layer.

So, a relatively quiet weekend spent trying to distract myself from the sad fact that I have no life and few friends out here to keep me company. And the ones I do have are complicated friends, whatever that means.

The Derby

I just realized today that the Kentucky Derby is this Saturday. I try to never miss it, even though sometimes I do. Hopefully I will remember to tune in this time. I'm always intrigued at the names these horses end up with, because some of the names are pretty stupid.

I always thought that if I had a race horse, I would name him Bob. Yes, I know that sounds like a stupid name, but I think it would be awesome to hear the announcer yell Bob as many times as possible in two minutes. So, I've tentatively decided to pick the horse named "Bob and John" to win this year, since the name comes close to mine. I'm still reserving the right to change my mind after I see him, because if he looks like a mule with big floppy ears, he's out. Racehorses should never have big ears, in my opinion.

I'm still sad about not getting to see the horse show out here on Saturday, but I guess I'll have the Derby. Plus, I realized that I can go out there tomorrow and check it out. It just won't be the Grand Prix. Stupid work. Always getting in the way of my fun. That and lack of money. What a Catch-22, eh?

Necklace

Necklace 2
Originally uploaded by ocean1000.

This is the necklace I've been talking about. It isn't finished yet, but it still looks awesome!

One Class Left

Only one excruciating class left. I can't wait. I've been very tired today, but I have no excuse. I think it's because it was cloudy all day. I also think the clouds mess up my sinuses, because they were hurting today too. I hate that, because it doesn't make any sense.

My necklace is sweet. Pictures are pending.

Today I had a little chat with one of my professors, and he mentioned an opportunity for a mentorship (or something like that) with a woman who is a super cool video artist. He asked me to think about it and let him know if I would be interested in doing something like that. That's a big fat DUH. He said it happens somewhere in upstate New York, which does scare me a little bit since it's so far away and I have absolutely no desire to move there. It would be nice for a visit, though. So we'll see if anything pans out.

I got more shifts at work this week, which is ironic, because I asked for a specific day off and they wouldn't let me have it. I haven't worked hardly at all since January, so I figured it would be no trouble. Apparently it is. I was going to go to the Grand Prix (not the racecar kind) and feel like part of the uppercrust for an evening, and now that's all shot to hell. I'm sad about it, because I've been looking forward to it for a couple of months now, but I can't really bitch about it too much because I really really really need the money. And I guess there's always next year.

I'm still overwhelmed with all the stuff that's going on right now, and I wonder if it really will settle down after school is out. I'm starting to think not. Mostly because it's all stuff that entails going out and having some sort of life and not stuff that I actually have to do. Although there is plenty of that, too. I've started looking every week for stuff that sounds fun, and then I write it down on the calendar so I don't forget, and then I start brainstorming of who I want to go with, if I want to go with anyone at all. Sometimes I just like to do stuff by myself. And there will be many beach days, as soon as this cloud crap goes away.

Tomorrow I'm going to get a much needed massage. I wish I could be getting it from the lady back home, because she's super cool and I'm comfortable with her. I've only been to the lady here in town once, and she's a little odd. Perhaps even a little abrasive in her directness. But she's still nice, and gets the job done, so I'm ok with it. Plus it's free, so I'm definitely not going to complain.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I have other dilemmas to sort out, but I'll get to them later, when I have more information with which to weigh my decisions.

Stay cool.

Being Watched

Ever get the feeling you are being watched? I usually don't, but I have it now. That feeling that someone is checking up on me to make sure I don't fall out of line, to see if there's anything about my life that I should be yelled at for doing or talking about. I hate that feeling. Because this is my own damn life, so suck it. Butt out. I'm not going around checking up on anyone, because I don't give a rat's ass about other people's bullshit and I just want to be left alone. I don't want to be spied on. I just want to be left alone.

And right now I have cramps. They hurt.

I have a full day today of catching up since I've been kind of a slacker the past couple of days. I hate it when I wait until the last minute to do things. But this week I did. So today will be a full day, and right now I am only making it worse by doing this, but I'm just not ready to start my day for real and I really want to just take a hot shower and go back to bed.

I think I'm having fun in my life mostly. I'm trying to get my own stuff done and do new things and visit new places and just have stuff that is my own and no one else's. It's a slow process. Other than that, I'm trying to respect other people's wishes, stay away from things and people that are bad for me, and just have my life to myself. And I guess I do, which is good. Sometimes I slip up, but I think I'm making progress a little bit at a time. And the only person I feel like I really need to check in with is the pro at the club, because she can tell it like it is, and she is starting to understand what is going on in my life. Or what seems to be going on. Because I often have no clue.

Today is the final fitting for my necklace. I'm excited to see how it has turned out. I'm also overhwelmed by my life right now, and getting through the next couple of weeks is going to be interesting. But I keep thinking, once I'm on the other side, everything that has been stressing me out will not exist any more.

Except for being watched. Maybe.

Girlspeak to English Dictionary

Girlspeak to English Dictionary

10 Minutes

I have ten minutes to write while my pasta is cooking. Told you I started cooking. I went to a concert today and they played bluegrass. I forgot how ubiquitous it was in A'ville and I kind of liked it. I think the fiddle (also known as the violin) player was checking me out. I got asked to work today, and I don't really want to, but I paid some bills this morning, so I am seriously broke. I need to work, especially since I will be going to Co later this month. I'm going to have to find someone to water my plants and check my mail every couple of days. Not that I think it will be difficult to get someone to do it, but I hate asking people for favors.

My necklace is almost done. He has to fit it to my neck one more time. He said he'll probably be done with it this weekend. I'm excited.

I have this neighbor that lives upstairs from me, and she is always wearing a coat. Why? It's hot and sunny.

Today is not exactly a jam packed day, even though it feels like it. I guess I just have a lot of impending activities to remember, and my brain is starting to get cluttered. I'm also procrastinating with some homework that is due tomorrow. Maybe I'll do it tonight if I don't get home too late.

Last night I self medicated with some wine, and spilled it on my sheets. My light blue sheets. That sucks. I hope it doesn't leave too bad of a stain. I feel like a moron because I spilled it because I wasn't paying attention. And then I didn't feel so hot this morning either, but now I'm ok. I just don't think I'll be drinking any wine tonight. Maybe some bourbon. Bourbon is great for homework.

Anyway, 10 minutes is up.