tired

This is fantastic. Utterly fantastic. I spent a whole weekend feeling ignored and unappreciated by pretty much everybody. And the boy, who doesn't want to be anywhere near me when he wants to be around people he cares about. Maybe this is why I liked horses as a kid--to get me used to being stepped on and trampled as an adult. So I guess there is some sort of priority list going, and I come after lesbians, beer, tacos, and god knows what else. It's quite possible that I'm not even on the list. I know a phone call or a text (as in "I'll call you tomorrow") are just too much to ask for. Call me demanding. I just expect people to do what they say they are going to do and it upsets me when they don't. It upsets me when it makes me feel like I don't matter. Like a tribe of lesbians is more important than someone you have known for years, who has always been there when you needed them. I'm so tired of being taken for granted.

Waiting

My rent is going up. By 5%. It doesn't seem like it would be a big deal, but it's over $40. Yes, it was written into my lease that the rent would go up after 1 year, but kind of thought they were kidding about that since I've never seen anything like that written into a lease. And yes, I'm still getting the place below market value, but it just sucks because I don't have a lot of extra money to throw around for the same thing I've been getting. And I thought they would write me a letter to remind me, but they just sent me an invoice like they always do with a new amount due. It just sucks. A lot.

I realized today that the summer is over. All the things I wanted to do with my 'free time' didn't happen. I'm not really bitter about it, but I am kind of bummed about it. I wish I had something to point to and say I did that, and I guess I do, but it's just not what I wanted it to be. I didn't make anything, I just worked. A lot. Lately I've been feeling like my job is about to swallow me up and I don't know what to think or what to do about it. Will I be working for peanuts forever, struggling to pay the rent? Will I ever be able to take a vacation and not spend the next 3 years paying it off? Will I ever be able to buy something nice for myself? Will I ever be able to give to charity? Buy something expensive without my parents' help? Buy a car? A house? Anything? It feels like I should be making some sort of progress, and I don't feel that way. Financially I'm a mess (as in not gaining any more freedom than I had 10 years ago) and romantically I'm a failure. Can't hang on to any man who shows any interest. Can't keep them interested. Or just one interested. I thought I was interesting. Guess not. And I guess I'm getting to that age where I have to settle if I want anything at all. I realized today that Facebook is ruining me, because I get to see every day all the people who were losers in high school who are still losers and somehow manage to have a family and seem happy. And here I am, supposedly 'successful' because I have a job where I get to do fun stuff, I don't live with my parents, and I feel like a complete failure because of these two things I just can't seem to wrap my brain around. I've made a habit of being in control of the things in my life and when I want something I figure out a way to get it. And these are two things that have left me stumped. I can't control them and I can't go out and get them, even though I have tried everything I can think of.

The psychic says not to worry; that everything is going to work out fine. She says I'll meet someone new before the end of the year. I'm ready. I'm waiting. Not patiently, but I am waiting.

Great

Do you ever have the feeling that you have a ton of stuff to say and yet you don't know how to get it out? How to put things into words? It's like trying to shove a pot roast down a garbage disposal. I also feel like that's happening to my brain. Like life is trying to shove a pot roast down my garbage disposal. Argh. I don't even know how to describe it, but that's the way it is.

My life is moving. Without me. I want it to stop or at least slow down. I'm trying to keep up with the momentum that has built up around me. I have this whole professional thing going on where I do things and go places and meet people, and yet it still feels really empty. Because when I come home, it's just me. Just me. The psychic reassures me that I won't end up alone, but sometimes I have a hard time believing it. 35 years is a lot of experience to ignore. Anyway, that's the deal. I have a pseudo-career, pseudo benefits, and no one to share it with. Not even a pretend person to share it with.

Great. Just what I always wanted.

No Exit

I'm so freaking tired. Of everything. I almost quit my job today because my boss referred to something I had been working all day on, something that I had to take over because other people are idiots, as sloppy. I don't appreciate being called sloppy. Especially when I spent all day trying to clean up someone else's mess. Yesterday he dumped a whole other screening series on me that is supposed to start sometime in October. Seriously? I'm working 10 hours more a week than last year, and I have twice as much work and half as many interns (as in none, because I only had one last year). How the hell am I supposed to get things done?

On top of that, you can add that we just moved our office, so I can't find any of my files. They are all in some box somewhere, which slows me down every time I need a report or an envelope or a label or really anything. I have yet to locate any post-its or paperclips. So I have loose papers strewn all over a table, because I didn't even get to keep my desk. And on Monday we were informed that we wouldn't have any storage space at our desks. Seriously? On what planet do you live that you don't need to have any files available at your fingertips? Am I seriously expected to jog up the stairs every single time I need anything? It was also mentioned that at some point we would be wearing matching shirts. I say fuck that. I didn't go to grad school and spend $60K so I could wear a fucking uniform. I don't care if it's the nicest polo shirt ever; I'm not wearing it. Fuck that. I wear regular clothes. I earned it.

I'm still feeling like people take me for granted. Can't help it. I guess this is the trouble with having one major component of your life instead of many; when one is bad, they are all bad. But it's not like the rest of it is good, because it isn't. I'm still alone, trying to figure out why the fuck people think I should drop everything for them, why men think I'm always going to be around at their beck and call, and why it is so difficult to find a man that thinks I'm good enough that he won't lie or blow me off. A man that thinks I'm important enough to call and write and hang out and basically just treat me like a person. It shouldn't be this fucking difficult.

On a side note, today was the first night of my fall class that I'm teaching. Interesting. I have a student who is a bonafide agoraphobic. I don't even know what to say about that, except that I guess there's a first for everything. During the summer semester, I had a student miss the final because she gave birth, and another miss it because he got stabbed in the neck. I missed a final once, but only because I overslept. Excuses have come a long way since my day.

It's hot out here. I haven't slept well in a while. Partially because of the heat, and partially because of the stress. No breeze, no cool night wind, nothing. I can't get any airflow in this place, and it's getting ridiculous. I think someone may have been doing laundry at a ridiculous hour last night, because I kept hearing a crazy knocking sound, but was only half awake to hear it. Not enough to figure out what it was, but too much to actually be asleep. Plus there was a boy in my bed, so that made sleeping that much more difficult. No, I don't feel like talking about it. It's just another depressing story like all the rest.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm still mad. Still stressed. No exit.

Mad

I'm going through one of those 'mad' phases. I'm mad. About everything. At everyone. Really. I'm mad at you because you can't seem to take 5 minutes to answer simple emails. Really? You're too busy to take 5 and say, hey, what's up, got your message. You said you were going to do better. I'm still waiting.

I'm mad at work. Mad that a whole lot of things are being made my fault when I have no control over them. Some of them are things that other people are supposed to be taking care of, but when they don't, it's my fault because I didn't watch over them every second and nag and so on to make sure they did it. But if I did that, I would just be better off doing the job anyway, so what's the point? Other things are completely out of my control. If people don't buy tickets to the movies, I can't fix that. I can only hope it gets better. But I still have to hear about it.

I'm mad about having to move. Somehow, there are people that I work with that have done absolutely nothing in order to help us move our offices, from the very beginning. They weren't there when we washed the windows, or when we painted, or when the cable was installed, or even when stuff was being moved. And somehow, their stuff gets moved while I'm "in charge" of moving everything in my office, whether it has anything to do with me or not. And then I'm asked why I'm not doing more. Why aren't you asking those lazybones that haven't lifted a finger for the last 4 months? And yes, when my internet is unexpectedly disconnected and I can't get any of my real work done, I'm going to bitch about it. I'm going to say, yes I'm going home where I have internet and can actually get things done. I don't need anyone saying, well, why don't you help us move some stuff instead? I HAVE WORK TO DO! Real work! With deadlines! I have no less than 3 film openings before I leave for Spain, 3 while I'm away, and 1 days after I get back. Yes, I have to do this stuff now. It can't wait. So yes, disconnecting the internet is inconvenient. Oh, and apparently I'm not allowed to talk about going to Spain IN ANY WAY while I'm at work because *some* people are jealous that I get to go. Yes, it is a privilege, but I earned it fair and square, and there's no one else in the office who has the expertise to do what I do. And I won't be laying on a beach somewhere. I will be getting up early and staying up late and meeting with people. The only difference is that I'll be doing it all in Spanish for 2 weeks. So suck it, everybody. I deserve to have a little excitement in my life. Especially when you treat me like I don't matter 10 months out of the year.

I'm mad at the boy. He continues to omit details of his life, and when I figure it out, it really pisses me off. And right now, I'm tired and already irritated by everything else, so I really don't have the patience for his bullshit. I really just want to take a few days to myself and sit on my couch. Drink some beers, watch some tv, and just relax. But clearly, that isn't going to happen anytime soon.

The class I'm teaching starts on Tuesday, and the class I'm taking (hopefully) will start the following week. I will have zero days to myself before I start teaching, and *possibly* will have the following weekend to breathe, but lately things have been coming up at the last minute and I don't even have a chance to breathe. Out of the last month, I think I've had 1 day, maybe 2 where I actually was able to sit still for longer than an hour. I don't really have the constitution to keep going and going like this. It makes me irritable. It makes me mad.

Win/Loss

I'm watching a movie with Heath Ledger in it. It always makes me just a little bit sad. But today I actually got to stay home and do nothing all day, which I actually did. It felt good to sleep in after a long week of running around.

As you may have heard, my trip to Spain is on. I'm really looking forward to it. My boss has also mentioned me working full time twice in the last week. So it seems that it may actually happen, as unexpected as that is. But I'm okay with it; it means I might actually be able to make a living for a while. I'm also supposed to go to LA next week for a film festival, so that should be interesting.

I may be going to Mexico on Tuesday to have my tarot cards read. I know it sounds stupid, but it's fun and I want to. I've recently been suffering from periodic malaise due to the lack of a boyfriend. The other boy has been involved in my life lately, but his birthday is coming up, and I remember his last birthday a little too vividly to not be wary of anything he says or does. It seems that lately he's been wanting to hang out a lot, but then acting a bit cagey about other stuff and I don't know why. Or maybe I do, but I don't want to know. I can only go one day at a time with him, and lately it's been good. We have plans to take dancing lessons together. Yes, dancing lessons. And it was surprisingly easy to talk him into it. And since then, he's asked me about it no less than 3 times, so it seems to be something he's looking forward to. Odd. But I'll take it. I've always wanted to learn to salsa. Or tango. Or whatever. He also promised to take me sailing. I've always wanted to go sailing.

Then there's the other guy that only visits from time to time, but seems to like hanging out with me. He came up a week or so ago and we hung out for the day. And the next day he sent a text "I find that after I spend time with you my bs job not so lame I thank you for that". Probably one of the nicest texts I've ever gotten. But then I remember that he doesn't visit regularly, and has never really expressed any desire to be exclusive. So I have to take everything he says with a grain of salt. I've known him for over 4 years, so it's not like he's in any hurry. And I wonder if we would actually work together anyway, since he's conservative and doesn't seem to want kids, and I am the opposite. But he knows that, so who knows. I guess some things might be negotiable.

On another note, I've been feeling really fat lately. It's driving me crazy. I haven't been eating the way I'd like, mostly because I've just been so busy and haven't had any time to cook anything worth eating. I hate feeling fat. Especially when I'm single and vulnerable. If there was just one boy who insisted that I look great all the time, it wouldn't matter. But I'm my only cheerleader, and it gets tiring.

So I guess things are good at the moment, but I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the job to do whatever it's going to do, and trying to sort out boys in my life. On the one side, I feel like I'm ahead; on the other, so far behind high school girls are ahead of me. But I don't know what else to do other than what I'm already doing.

One Month

It's been a while since I've had the time and energy to put anything down. So I went to New York, saw some people, did some things, you know how it is. It was a good time. I remembered how much I like traveling. There's always something new to see or do that I won't be able to get anywhere else. So I spent the last week trying to catch up on my work and school, and being really overwhelmed.

I have a movie opening on Friday, and of course, there are tons of last minute details that drive me crazy, along with other people who are completely incompetent that drive me even crazier. And I'm supposed to be this pillar of control and aplomb or else it looks like things are falling apart. And I have to get ahead of what's coming next month and the month after. I'm going to be spending 11 days traveling next month in a foreign country, so I can't count on being able to take care of anything during that time. My flight gets booked tomorrow. There's a good chance I'll have a 9 hour layover in Atlanta if you want to come down and have dinner. It *has* been nearly a decade since you last saw me.

I'm also trying to get organized with school. I had a question for the professor and sent him an email about a month ago, and of course, he hasn't responded. It's like a disease with them. Like their fingers are broken or something. God forbid they should answer a simple yes or no question. And yes, I feel completely entitled to judge, because I have been a professor and I have answered questions for students. In fact, I make a point to answer their questions. It takes only a minute, and it helps someone move forward with what they're doing. In my case, I can't register until I get an answer, so I'm a little irritated about the whole thing. Especially since I don't really have time to hunt someone down and make a ton of calls just to get one questions answered.

Anyway, I think that's about the extent of my tirade for the day.