Bravery and Bad Endings

An hour ago I had these brave plans to go to the beach, and then the clouds came in. Oh well. At least I can sit by the window and enjoy the nice breeze coming in. And enjoy the constant whir of the landscaper with the leafblower outside my front door. Hopefully he is not going to "water" my plants, which actually entails drenching them with a spray that makes the dirt fly out of the pot. Sometimes I feel like he is trying to take over custody of my plants because he doesn't think I take good enough care of them. Oh well, at least they aren't children.

So I had the talk last night, and it started out well enough, but of course, ended badly. And by badly I mean that I grabbed my stuff, said have a nice life, and tried to get out of the locked door (which he had to unlock for me) and walked off. I deleted him from my phone when I got home, which is something I don't really do a whole lot of. There are still people in my phone that I haven't talked to since I moved here. That's almost 3 years for those of you keeping score at home. So the jist of the conversation was that I said I needed monogamy for this relationship to continue this way, because I feel like I deserve to be respected, and shown the same respect that I give him. And he said he couldn't do it. And I guess if there ever was one, that would be an indicator that someone really doesn't give a fuck about you, your feelings, or your health. Hence the have a nice life comment. I'm wondering if he knows that translates to don't call me anymore.

It all sounds so simple and easy, like I'm doing the best thing and I'm being strong and independent and all that stuff you're supposed to do for yourself. But the fact is that I feel like shit. I know that not talking to him is going to be excruciatingly difficult, and given my past record, will last for maybe three days before I cave. And all the things I now know are painful things to know; infinitely more painful than just having inklings. And I find myself right back where I started; wondering what is so wrong with me, why this is so hard for me, why my luck is so earth-shatteringly awful, and when someone is going to come along that actually does care about me enough to forsake all others, at least for the time being. Do I have a stamp on my forehead that says treat me like shit? or is it more like do what you want, because I'll let you? Am I really so bad? So helpless? So repetitively stupid? So hopeless?

I'm tired of this. Tired of everything. All I want is for just one thing in my life to be simple and easy. But not even going to the beach can be that way anymore. Now I have to be brave, or plan things out, or fill out a form, or put up with something to get through every part of my life. The only thing that is easy is laying in bed and watching tv. So maybe that's my new pasttime.