Giant snakes

It's Friday, and I'm exhausted. It feels like I haven't done anything but go for several days now. Tomorrow I have to make a 90 minutes drive up north, then make it to a Toys for Tots party tomorrow evening. I also need to write my final exam for my class, and finish my artwork for a critique on Tuesday. My work's Christmas party is on Monday, and it's supposed to be fun, but for some reason, I'm not really looking forward to it. I'd rather do work, i.e. watch movies. By myself. And I leave on Wednesday for a week. When I come back, there will be no school for a while, and just holidays alone and movies in Spanish in my living room. Right now, the only 2 things I'm looking forward to are seeing Tron and True Grit. I need to find some sort of energy soon or I may just implode and collapse in on myself.

And last night I had a dream I saw a dead body on the side of the road. And later there were giant snakes.

Waste

Today I went shopping. I was a planned shop; not an all out shopfest. Craft store, container store, then the university. Pretty low-key. But it didn't take me long to realize that even innocuous shopping like this, where I know what I need and know where to get it, is still unbelievably depressing. I can only imagine how depressing it would be to go to a department store, where the holidays are shoved down my throat like bitter medicine. So yes, I get to look forward to 30+ days of constantly being reminded that I'm alone and no one around here gives a fuck about me. I don't have gifts to buy, and I won't be expecting any, much less the 'romantic' gifts that are constantly being advertised everywhere I look. I don't have a man, don't have kids, and so I'm pushed to the margins of social interactions, because I don't have what should be normal for someone my age. I'm a freak. And this time of year makes sure I don't forget it. God forbid I should feel like a normal person for a few short moments. And dammit, I DO want a man, and I DO want kids. And the longer I go without, the more of a freak I seem to be.

So then, after that is over, I go to the university to pick up a DVD at the library. And there's this guy that I briefly dated last year working there. I totally forgot about him, and forgot that he worked there. He's wandering around, and I can't see because I don't have my glasses on, but I walk to the counter to ask for my DVD. I didn't even notice him until he turned around (he was standing about 10 feet away from me as I was being helped by someone else) and said (yes, really) "Aw, Christ." When I heard/saw him, I realized who he was, and that my presence was somehow distressing to him. Which is hilarious and tragic all at the same time. Hilarious because I don't remember the last time I even thought about him, and tragic because he must believe that there's some lasting drama between us or that I have hunted him down or something. Either way, me being there was less than desirable. Which made me feel fucking great. Not that his opinion matters, but I know that as soon as I left, there was most likely a conversation about me that I would prefer didn't happen.

So here I am, one week from seeing my family, who are apparently, the only people who bother to think about me at this time of year. If they even do. Because the reality is that I have no one and nothing. I'm never going to have the plus one for my Christmas parties, never going to be able to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve, and I'm never going to worry about Valentine's Day, my birthday, or any sort of anniversary for the rest of my life. It's fucking ridiculous, I know. It doesn't seem possible. Everywhere I look, I see reminders of my failure. I see couples, ads, everything. And it doesn't seem to make sense. Why should I be alone when everyone else manages to find someone? How do they do it? What did I do wrong? What do I keep doing wrong? I've been trying so hard lately to distance myself from these feelings, but it's so difficult since I've been living with them for such a long time and you can only keep pushing them down for so long and so many times. It's like trying to drown a buoy.

Waste of time and energy.

Grr

Grr. So I was *almost* happy. Almost. Things were going well with the boy. We were hanging out. Talking every day. Having fun together, seeing movies, watching TV, and generally just being a sort of couple. Then one day, texting starts, and eventually I learn that he is in my HOMETOWN and hasn't bothered to mention it to me, doesn't tell me why he's there, who he's with, or how long he'll be gone. Then I start remembering previous conversations, in which he straight up LIED to me about his plans.

Example:
Q:What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
A: Family Stuff

Q: Want to have lunch this week?
A: Can't. I'm super busy.

Q: Want to see a band w/me Sunday?
A: Hmm. I'm not sure what I'll be doing that day.

Bullshit on all of them. If you get on a plane and go to another time zone, you know exactly what you're doing. And when you're entire family lives in the same county, there's no way that time zone includes 'family stuff'. I've been patient but irritated, and now that has escalated to anger. The kind of anger where if he knocked on my door at this moment I would open the door and punch him in the stomach.

I still don't know the answer to any of those questions, but I do know that he is back in town. He probably got back on Sunday. I still haven't heard from him. And yes, now I am getting pissed. I feel like I've been taken advantage of, like I've been used. And I know that I've been lied to. Even as I type this, I can feel my blood pressure rising. I don't understand what has been going on, and I don't understand what is going on now. I'm fairly certain I don't want to talk to him anymore. But I'm also fairly certain that I want to chew him out before not talking to him anymore. I want to kick him in the shins and key his car. Does that make me crazy? I haven't done it, but yes, I've thought about it.

The part that really kills me is that I was starting to think of him as the 'other'. The guy that was going to do things with me, support me, and so forth. I was starting to think that I wouldn't have to spend Christmas and New Year's and Valentines Day and St. Patrick's Day alone anymore. And now here I am. Not only alone, but even more damaged than I was before. And wondering what the fuck is so special about this guy that I've given him so much leeway and so many second chances. Three months ago I was never going to speak to him again, and then he drew me back in with vague promises and lots of attention and he starts calling me Baby and blah blah blah. Sucked in again with nothing buy emptiness. And here I am feeling like a complete idiot, once again. I love this. Grr.

The Mystique

I really need to go to the store to buy some christmas type things, but I really don't feel like it. I'm also short on extra time. I don't feel like fighting traffic, or spending money, or really doing much of anything that isn't part of my normal routine. I don't think I'm depressed. Most of the time I'm just fine. I go about my day, going to work, going to school, eating, drinking, sleeping, and so on. But then there's times like now, when it's late at night and I'm at home alone. Again. After a bunch of nights being home alone. My phone doesn't ring. My email is empty. And it's difficult to not be down and wish that my life was different. I wish I could break this curse of alone-ness that has been plaguing me since I realized what it was like to be alone. Fifteen years? 20? 30? It just seems too ridiculous that something like that could happen naturally. There have to be supernatural forces at work here to keep me miserable and alone. I've made as many changes and I can think of, and still nothing. I've even tried giving up on hope, but then it comes up and I can't stop it.

Tonight at 11:30 my doorbell rang. It scared the crap out of me. I had no idea who it could be, but suddenly I found myself hoping beyond hope that it would be some boy who wanted to do something romantic and surprise me or something stupid like that. And then it was my weird bird lady neighbor complaining about the power going out in her apartment, so I was roped into helping her. In my bathrobe, no less. Awesome. That couldn't get any more disappointing and sad. Except that not long after, I found myself hoping that an earthquake would hit just so I could think about something else. How fucked up is that?

So here I am again, late at night, alone again, imagining all the disappointment that is in my future. Not having a plus one for my festival parties, going to more weddings alone, never having anyone waiting for me when I get home, or cook me dinner, or spend holidays with me, or travel with, or anything. Always having to fend for myself and not be able to lean on anyone for help. People may think I'm too smart or too independent or whatever in order to want a man around, but the truth is, that's about the only thing I've ever really wanted, and just assumed it would never be this difficult to get. I just assumed I was like everyone else, where things would just develop organically and I wouldn't have to worry about it. And now my looks are going, and they weren't all that great to begin with. My eggs are drying up. And I still live below the poverty line, so I can't even attract a loser who wants to mooch off me before he goes to jail. How uplifting.

This is what feminism has done for me. I'm broke, lonely and hopeless. Thanks, Betty Friedan.