It wasn't the worst Thanksgiving ever. But it definitely wasn't the best either. I went to a friend's house and hung out with a bunch of strangers. I think I was the only one who didn't work with them. And my friend, bless her dear heart, is not the best cook in the world. So I had the whole meal and no gravy. I'm not usually a huge fan of gravy, but for some reason it feels like a necessity with all the other stuff. And her pie was banana cream. A bit out of the box, but tasty. It was nice to catch up, though. And then I came home and did nothing. No one from my family called me. A friend called to tell me how much she hated her family. Another friend called to see if I wanted to hang out today, which of course he never did. Today I did discover that the grocery store is a great place to go the day after Thanksgiving, because absolutely no one is there. I think I saw about three people there. The parking lot was almost empty, except that it's right next to a Target and a Home Depot, so I'm sure some of the cars were for those places. And then I came home and did next to nothing for the rest of the day. And no one called again.

It's awesome that no one gives a shit about me during the holidays.

Happy Holiday

I just watched a movie about an orphan who has more friends than I do. Yes, it's a movie, but it's still depressing. I felt fine about my life until I got home from work this afternoon, too. I guess I just got here and realized that everyone else is with their family and having a nice time and I'm here by myself with nothing to look forward to. No one calling to wish me happy anything, no one calling me just to chat. Nothing. And I get four fun filled days of it. I'm so excited. I've been telling myself for the last three weeks that I'm fine being by myself, and then it all hits me like a ton of bricks. I blame Facebook. I get to log in and see how everyone else is doing things, has friends, has lives, and I've got nothing. Nothing I want any of them to know about, anyway. Struck up a short chat with the 21 year old, and suddenly realized we had nothing to say because he's just not interested. How pathetic am I? I seriously considered unfriending him, but then I realized that would be too obvious and lame, so I just left it. I'm considering canceling the account altogether. Facebook is depressing. It's the modern version of waiting by the phone for someone to call. And I hate that I'm on it so often. I don't feel good about it. Stupid Facebook. I never even wanted it.

It seems these days the only good thing about my life is my job. It's a nice job. I love it. I get to do cool stuff and meet cool people. I watch movies about orphans. And drug dealers. And accordion players. And weird misfits like myself. And now I get to go somewhere cool. And I get to actually see the fruits of my labors. I send out an email, a few days later I get things in the mail. Cool things that everyone else in the office wants to see. People actually respect what I do. And I actually like doing it. It's like being the assistant coach of the Tarheels. I may not be Roy, but I get to sit next to him and help out. And it's not the Bulls, but people know who we are and respect us.

So for the next two days I get a holiday from the only thing that makes me feel like I'm worth something. Super. Happy holiday indeed.

I'm sitting at home on the couch. Like always. I tried to get some of the clutter out of my living room. Now it's in the 2nd bedroom. I realized I also need to finish putting my paintings up. I stopped halfway through, and you can tell as soon as you walk into the house. I need to get it all into place since I'm going to be spending lots of time here not going out with boys. I just need to leave the country and meet a hot foreign boy. Oh wait, I will be.

I've tried to train myself to focus on all the things that are great in my life, and I've kind of gotten good at it. I'm educated. I live in a great place, where most people would love to live. I have a job that I really like, and will be going to Cuba on a business trip. I have a great apartment where I live by myself. I'm close to finishing my last degree.

And then I see the downside. I'm up to my eyeballs in student loan debt. I don't have any friends that are there for me no matter what. My family is generally indifferent to everything I do. My job is only part-time and narrowly pays me enough just to live. I have doubts about my talents. But worst of all is that I'm always alone. No one is there to share everything with. There is no one I can depend on. Whatever is good in my life is pointless. Because no one cares.

Same

Today I found a picture of me and my ex. I tore it up. Into many little pieces. It felt really good. I'm not usually one for destroying things, but that was incredibly satisfying. I kind of feel like having more made so I can destroy those too. I need more opportunities for destruction. Seriously.

As odd as it is to hear me say it, I'm not all that sad about being alone again. I'm kind of okay with it. Not that it's what I want, but it's like being home again. It's territory that I'm very familiar with. It's like getting bucked off a horse, but you know how to protect yourself, so you land on your feet. Make no mistake, I'm not happy about how my life has turned out so far in terms of the romantic schtick, and I'd really like to figure out how to make things different than they have been in the past, but I'm coming up short. It's all the same.

Special

There's not much left to say. My life is like a long Charlie Brown cartoon. Especially the part where Chuck tries to kick the football. And yet for some reason I keep thinking this time will be different. Things are different this time. Things have changed. But they haven't. I'm supposed to have things going for me, and no matter what happens, it doesn't turn out that way.

Add one more to the list. The list of guys that think I'm super fun and super cool and don't want anything 'too serious'. Which translates to "I want to keep you in the book as a booty call and nothing more". Gee thanks. It's such a non-exclusive club. It consists of, um, let's see...well, everybody. What's the deal? Do I have SUCKER tattooed across my forehead? It's so ridiculous that this keeps happening. Even the rules of statistics would say that at some point someone would be different. But they're all the same. It's almost to the point where I expect it, so I don't try very hard to maintain any sort of mystique. It seems easier to speed things along so I don't devote too much time to someone who is going to split anyway. Because they all do.

I've seen this thing going around FB where your 'friends' describe you in one word. That's easy. Abandoned. By everyone. It's not like I have anyone to help me through the tough times either, so I'm guessing the universe is engaging in an all around fuck you campaign against me. No one calls to see how I'm doing, no one calls to ask me to do things with them, no one is interested in what I'm doing. So the guys are using me for sex and those that aren't sleeping with me have no use for me. Awesome. Thanks, everybody. You've succeeded in making me feel super special.

Desertion?

Where have you been? I haven't heard from you in ages, and you don't even return my calls anymore. What's up with that? Lame. That's what I say.

I still sort of have a boy around. I had a party the other night and he never showed up. He said he fell asleep. He also mentioned a long lost friend who visited who happened to be female. At this point, suspicion is just second nature. I expect lies. I expect deceit. So I don't know what to do or what to say, if anything. He came over today to hang out. I am seriously not getting enough face time to make it worth my time. Or make it worth some sort of commitment. I need more. Not tons more, but more. More means supporting me by coming to my parties, meeting my friends, doing things I want to do. Not just sitting on my couch watching tv and drinking my alcohol. Any freeloader can do that. So I want more.

Met a cute boy at the party. Probably nothing will come of it. But he was cute. And touching me a lot.

That's all.