Cruel Summer

Summer is finally over. Yes, I know it was over a long time ago, but it's finally starting to get chilly here, so we've gotten into autumn. Winter is not far behind, even though it only consists of some rain. Professionally, it was a very productive summer. The movie, the art exhibition, and so forth, it all went great. I now live in a house that is more or less mine, and I'm very excited about it. On a more personal level, this was one of the worst summers I've ever lived. Yes, it's the boy. And I keep bouncing back and forth between happy, vehemently angry and irreversibly sad. I can't seem to get a solid footing on what is going on with the boy, and he is incredibly cagey. I haven't spoken to him for more than 10 minutes since early August. I haven't felt like we were even close to being on the same page since April. He's really been a giant a-hole since the beginning of May. I'm not sure what (if anything) changed, but it feels like it has. This is someone who used to always answer my calls, promptly responded to emails, texts, or whatever, and now is always unreachable. It takes days for him to get back to me, if he ever does. Yes, I lost my temper last month, but I feel like after all this time, I'm entitled to losing it just this once. Or maybe me calling him out on his lies and expecting some sort of answer has forced him into hiding, because he is too much of a coward to do what he knows needs to be done. He needs to put someone out of their misery, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He just wants someone to volunteer. Fucking moron. Or, as I've recently started believing, he thinks I'm not good enough for him. That he's ashamed to be associated with me, because I'm not rich, not famous, don't know any famous people, and I'm not beautiful enough to make that all okay. I can't talk my way into big fancy parties or introduce him to important or powerful people, and I can't pay for fancy trips to Italy or Detroit (long story) or Charger games. I'm just me, doing my thing. I always thought I was fairly charming, but charm isn't enough to climb the social ladder. And it seems like that might be what he really wants, judging by who he spends his time with.

Anyway, I'm not happy. I feel abandoned, alone, and unsupported. I have a difficult time seeing my way out of this feeling, especially since I don't have other options, and my friends that claim to be there for me are always conveniently out of town or busy doing other things. In the end, no one is there for me, and I have to figure everything out on my own. I desperately want to move on to the part of my life where I have a family and a career and I have a singular direction, and I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to do that. I don't have a problem trying to find someone else; I just don't know how or where to find that person. And how to get them to like me. Or stay with me. Or whatever.

Anyway, yet another post about how miserable I am, mostly through my own ineptitude at doing things correctly, which I've never been able to do. What a fucking terrible summer. Cruel.