Just Do It

So the weekend is over. And I actually accomplished some things. It's funny, in retrospect, that I was putting things off because they just seem so overwhelming, but in reality it didn't take more than an hour to do everything. I know that sounds stupid, because that's how a lot of things end up, but it's interesting that I'm at this age and still haven't quite learned that. I just keep putting things off as if that helps. Actually, I know it doesn't help, but I guess we all need a little self-destruction. At least it's done now.

I think I may be finally recovered from working out the other day. I spent two days creaking and limping around the house, thinking my hamstrings might snap at any minute. I tried to stretch them out last night, and I think that might have helped. I'm still sore, but I can move around as if I'm under the age of 90, so there is improvement.

So today I need to finish my website and try to move forward, which I think is totally doable. My fundraising campaign starts tomorrow, so hopefully that will go well.

I'm also trying to make goals to make myself better at stuff in life in general. Things like reading more, flossing every day, keeping the house clean, etc. It's not like I don't have the time. Anyway, I'm 1/5 of the way through my time off, which doesn't seem like much, but seems like it's going all to quickly. Maybe that's the motivator. Time is short. Just do it.

Weekend

I've just wasted the last two days. No idea why. I'm holding Glee responsible. Plus that show isn't nearly as good as everyone said it was, so I'm twice as irritated. I did do some reading and went to the beach. Half of me is all red. Apparently I either spent too much time on my back (no jokes please) or not enough time on my stomach. It's not bad, just weird. I also rode my bike this morning, but only for a short ride.

I'm planning on starting the fundraising campaign for my movie on June 1, which means I need to get my website at least mostly finished. I'm hoping to raise $5000, so if you could lean on all your rich friends, I would appreciate it. :) I'm working on making storyboards, but the going is slow and tedious. Much like the rest of pre-production, I just have to power my way through it. It's my least favorite part of making films.

I'm also trying to lose 10 pounds. So far I have lost zero. However, some of that might be due to my old bathroom scale, which gave me four different readings in four minutes that spanned 10 pounds. Not particularly helpful. So I just had to go with the median number it came up with. So I've taken control of my diet and started counting calories, which I have never done before. It seems a little unfair that the calories you eat add up so much faster than the calories you burn. Yesterday I ate about 1000 calories and everything seemed okay. But I still feel fat and gross. I'm guessing part of that comes from going to the beach, which was entirely peopled with high schoolers. Those punks have zero fat on them, and it really seems unfair. They're so clueless about what they have and don't know how to use it. So I have to figure out some exercise that I can do that won't hurt too bad and won't make me buy anything or go to a gym. Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I'm sure my bikini body will be ready in September, just in time for the cooler weather.

I'm planning to hide out in my apartment all weekend to get some things done. I've spent my weekend yesterday and today, so now I need to get back to work and be serious again. I should be interruption free, since everyone is doing their holiday thing. I guess sometimes not having people close to me in town is not a bad thing. I'm also still waiting for my carpet and drywall to get fixed, but they won't be working this weekend. I have a meeting on Monday with my cinematographer, so I'll need to be ready for that. Where would we be without deadlines? I feel like I need a work buddy who can be around and we can both work at the same time. If I have someone pressuring me to keep going minute by minute, I'm less likely to take breaks and do nothing. I feel like I have to keep up and be as responsible as they are, so the work gets done. But we all know that's BS, and I can work just fine on my own. Otherwise I wouldn't have gotten this far. So I guess I just need to keep reminding myself. Anyway, that's the state of things at the moment.

Have a good weekend.

Zero

So today I did a little experiment to see what would happen if I went Amish for the day. As in, no computer, no tv, etc. I basically sat on the couch and read for most of the day, minus a nap in the middle of the afternoon, which has left my neck utterly wrecked. I did manage to get my lazy butt out on the bicycle (finally!), and pedaled until my legs were burning, which took about 10 minutes. I'm expecting to be sore tomorrow.

I suppose the experiment was a success, mostly because I was able to get some reading done instead of wiling away the day on timewasters the internet so abundantly provides, or compusively checking my email every 10 minutes. But the Amish-ness only lasted until about 7:30pm, when I gave in and watched tv while I ate my dinner. And from there it seemed kind of pointless to stop, so I turned on the lights and hopped on to Facebook. I still say it was a small victory. I might make it a regular thing once a week. I'll just start telling everyone I'm an Orthodox Jew, except for the covering my head and arms and wearing floor length skirts all the time. That sounds like a Vitamin D deficiency just waiting to happen. I also realized at around 6pm that I hadn't made a sound all day. Not a peep. Not talking to anyone, including myself. Is that weird?

Aside from that, I'm gearing up to start another week and hopefully make some progress that will be significant and helpful. Continue the diet and 'exercise', and the reading and so forth. I'm guessing tomorrow will start another round of maintenance people coming to the house, since my carpet is still torn up and stapled down. I have to look out for staples as I walk around; they really hurt when you step on them. It also appears that the house sale may be going more quickly than anticipated, which I guess is a good thing. I don't really have strong feelings about it either way at the moment. It'll happen when it happens.

Since I'm on this 'diet', I also did some research on how many calories things have in them, and how many calories certain activities burn. It's amazing how quickly you can shovel them into your mouth, and how long it takes to burn them off. By those numbers, it seems like I should weigh 400 pounds. Maybe something in my math is off. I don't know. I do know that I need to start burning a whole lot more than I had previously guessed. Bummer.

I think that's about it. The weather is supposed to be nice for the rest of the week (seriously, sunny and 70s every day--why would you want to live anywhere else??), so maybe I'll get in a few more bike rides and burn calories instead of my legs. I'm hoping to get to the beach as well, especially since I can do the Amish thing there. Just with fewer clothes. Anyway, I keep thinking tomorrow is a holiday, even though it isn't. It's Monday. The day everything resets to zero. But hopefully I'll be starting from a tad more than zero.

Wow. Boring.

I didn't get to the bike ride today. No real reason, just no motivation. And laziness. I did 'workout', which entailed me breaking a sweat, and then having a nap afterwards. Maybe I'll get to the bike tomorrow. I'm hoping to get to the beach on Monday for a little while.

I actually did some work today too, which was good. I edited my script, and worked on some photo shoot information. I think I got my film budget mostly figured out. I also watched a couple of films. Also wrote a letter to get started on my documentary project. And a couple of emails. And some research for my film. I guess that's a decent day. I should have a few meetings next week that will help move things forward. I'll probably watch another movie before I go to bed.

Wow, this is so banal I'm even boring myself.

Anyway, I haven't spoken to anyone who isn't a repairman since Wednesday. I haven't spoken to a single person today, and probably won't tomorrow, either. My local support is awol. I thought they would be here since it's not difficult. It's just a phone call that says: how are things going? or what have you been up to? or what's new? or how's the movie coming along? I'm not picky. But again, I did come to the realization that I can't depend on any of them for support. Or much of anything, really. So I'm more or less on my own on this one. And I need to read more.

I wrote an email to the athlete and told him there was nothing I could do at this point. I haven't posted grades yet, though. I'm thinking I'll do it on Monday. I also need to write some syllabi, and for some reason I have no desire to do so. Not sure why. Maybe I just don't want to teach. Or maybe I don't really know what I'm doing. Or maybe I just got laid off, so it seems pointless. Oh well. Maybe I'll get to it eventually.

Again, wow. This is boring. I'll try to get something interesting for next time.

Stick To It

Today was a little better than yesterday. After my pitiful rambling, I got up this morning thinking I didn't want to have another day like yesterday. So I sat on the couch and watched DVR'd shows while I graded finals. But it's not all bad; after the drywall guy (cute, by the way) came by to assess the water damage, I made it to the bank, post office, and grocery store. After putting the food away, I pumped up the tires in my bicycle, but decided I would wait until tomorrow to go for a ride. How's that for initiative?

As I was starting a movie, the owner of the building came by to ask me about the house, so he and I chatted for a while, and I watched the movie (Burden of Dreams - a behind the scenes of sorts of Fitzcarraldo). Then I made dinner, watched Jeopardy! and watched This Is It. Then made a budget for my film (how does it get so expensive?).

I still need to post grades, but I put it off today because I'm in a moral quandary because of an athlete who needs a C to graduate and got a D and is begging for some sort of leniency, even though he never bothered to come to class more than once a month and didn't mention his situation until AFTER he already took the final. Nice. I hate to ruin people's lives, but I also have strong feelings about slacker athletes, and slackers in general. Meh. I'm thinking about making him write a 5 page paper over the weekend that addresses the feminist vision in The Piano, which would be amazing if he were able to pull it out, and hilarious at the same time. I feel like a bitch even thinking about it.

So I'm still not making leaps and bounds type progress, but I'm inching forward. Tomorrow I plan to put together a plan for a photo shoot I'd like to do some time before the end of the month. I also need to put together a plan to shoot some short videos as part of a project I started back in October. Then some more film research (images, mostly), some vid editing/ripping, script editing, then canceling my cable TV and my newspaper subscription, since I've only received one paper to date, and I was supposed to have been getting a daily paper since February. I'm a little behind on that one.

I also bought a directing book the other day that I'd like to peruse further, and a bike ride would be good. In the midst of everything else, I'm trying to drop 10 pounds this summer, so physical activity is going to be a must. The couch will just have to miss me. It also means eating some salads and what not, which shouldn't be too hard since I'm already at home and can control my diet and my schedule. I'm also going without alcohol until the end of the month, only because it seemed like it was starting to be too much of a habit/crutch whenever I was tired, irritated, etc. Plus I had a dream that my liver told me to take it easy, so I'll take that as a sign. No biggie.

Anyway, I think yesterday I realized that no one is really going to help me get through this, so I have only myself to depend on, which sucks, but is just the way it is. Not much different than usual. Being your own cheerleader and shooting your own baskets is exhausting, and makes everything twice as difficult. Especially when you're only getting awards from yourself as well. Hmm.

Okay, enough for today. I have my list for tomorrow. I just have to stick to it. Or at least try to.

Freaking Out

I'm freaking out. I just realized that May is about to be over and I'm not nearly as far along in my work as I had hoped to be. It seems like every time I start to get a good rhythm going, I get interrupted by something. Life just happens and takes me with it like a swirling river. I keep telling myself I'm about to be able to devote all of my time to it, but in the back of my mind, I'm afraid that there's always going to be something that can take me away from it. A reason to do something else instead. It's actually kind of frightening that 'nose to the grindstone' means anything but. Why does it go so slowly? I always seem to have an excuse of some sort, and I don't want to.

Yesterday it was that a pipe burst in my house. I'm soaking wet in 3 minutes, water everywhere in 10. The day before that it was recovering from my mom's visit and administering my final. Tomorrow it will be grading that final and posting grades. Can I really only do one thing in a day? I keep thinking about all the non-art related stuff I need to do, and it kills me to think that the list of art related things I need to do is 10 times longer and I'm not making much of a dent in it. It's like the list itself is keeping me from doing anything. It seems completely impossible and overwhelming, even though I know damn good and well that it isn't. It's completely doable. I just have to do it. And it feels like I'm not doing anything because progress is slow. Too slow to keep morale up naturally. I need some external cheerleading, and right now there is none. It seems like everyone needs something from me. Support, more support, promises, or whatever. Or they are just ignoring me completely.

And all those people who said they'd be calling to check up on me? Nowhere to be found. Not checking. Not calling. Not asking. Not wondering how things are going. So I don't have the motivation to stay on top of things; to have something new to report. I'm stalling. Floundering.

So I feel like I need to bawl and scream all at once. I wrote this instead.

The Beginning

So today is the last day before my leave of absence starts. I have exactly 151 days to prove myself and make all the necessary work to finish my MFA. It's going to be an interesting adventure to say the least. I have a lot of research to do, and I have a lot of planning to do as well. Quickly. It's somewhat overwhelming to have something to do with no deadlines or anyone checking up on me, so we'll see how I do with it. I'm going to be publishing a website at some point this week with new blog updates there that will be more appropriate for the general public. I'll be sure to post it on FB when it happens. Anyway, that's pretty much the bulk of what I'm thinking and doing at this point.