Patience and Distance

I'm frustrated. One of those frustrations that I can't really define or pinpoint to a particular cause. Which is even more frustrating. I do know, however, that I am frustrated with a boy, which is really nothing new. I have relatively simple needs. One of those needs is to see him at least twice a week. Seems fair to me. So I saw him for a couple of hours on Friday. I suggested we get together before I go to LA (tomorrow), and he has plans. Plans, I might add, that don't involve me, even though they could. So I'll be away for a couple of nights, and then he has plans over the weekend, putting the possibility of getting together at next week. Which is nearly 2 weeks from the last time I saw him. This is not enough.

So now I'm going back and forth between thinking I just need to be patient and I need to forget him. When we're together, it's great. He's a slow mover, so it's not like this is out of character for him. But my patience wears thin. I keep telling myself that if I do decide to forget him, I need to do it soon. Before I move into my new house (even though I'm not sure when that will be). How patient am I expected to be? When does it get to be about me? My needs? Grr. I feel stupid even talking about it.

I also stumbled into other stuff. I noticed an article about how to give wedding toasts and realized how far away from everyone I really am. The only wedding I was ever a part of was my sister's wedding, which is pointless when you're 14. I've never been asked to be in someone's wedding, to give a toast, or anything else. Just show up and give us a present. Or don't, it doesn't really matter. Is it possible that I really have no one close to me? No one who counts me as a close enough friend that they want me to share the most important moments in their lives? Is it my fault? Do I keep them away? I'm sure my transient lifestyle has something to do with it, but still. It appears that my whole life is about how far away everyone is, even though they are all right here.

Anyway, those are the two thoughts I have today. Patience and distance.

Just One Day

First, I have to get something off my chest. People who snap their fingers to music are idiots. Unless you are a band leader counting off a song before it starts, you have no reason to snap. Just sayin.

Second, I watched Groundhog Day for the first time in a while. And it got me to thinking: what would I do if I only had one day for the rest of my life? Obviously, I wouldn't be able to really travel too much. Maybe a little. I'd learn languages. Whatever ones I could get my hands and ears and tongue wrapped around. I'd read all the books I own. And then all the ones in the library. I realized that Facebook and the internet would become pointless because it would be the same stuff every day. Before long, I'd be bored with whatever got posted. There is a part of me that would say I'd try to help people, but what's the point? I only have one day. You could maybe save a life, but that's about it. I'd become a better cook. Learn how to cook all sorts of good stuff. I might do some serious drugs, just to see what it's like. I'd watch a ton of movies. Whatever I could get my hands on. I'd go sailing. Rent a helicopter. Learn how to scuba dive. And so on.

And then I starting thinking about how irrelevant time is. Yes, I understand the idea of consequences, but if we didn't spend so much time worrying about time, would we get more things accomplished? If we didn't worry about getting ready for tomorrow, would we be able to get things done? It seems like it, but at the same time, one day isn't really that much time. A week, yes. But a week has consequences. A day has none. So you get everything and nothing all in one.

At the same time, I guess there's a lot of things we don't do because they take so much time to accomplish. Namely learning languages and reading books. Languages especially take oodles of time. Learning in general takes time, and we don't want to spend all that time doing that one thing. We have priorities. The thing about only having one day, is that suddenly nothing matters except for you. Money is irrelevant, the rest of the world is irrelevant. To a degree, even sex becomes irrelevant. You can't take any of that with you. The only thing that ever lasts is what's inside you. What you learn. What you know. What you remember.

Anyway, it starts an existential back and forth that seems difficult to untangle, but it's still worth thinking about.

Happy Flag(ging) Day

I'm trying to keep myself together. I feel like I'm falling apart. Literally. I can't seem to keep a regular schedule. My sleeping patterns are all over the place. One day, I get up at 7 am, the next 11 am. Naps at odd hours because I'm exhausted. It doesn't make any sense. I'm confused.

I'm also having pain in my knee, presumably from the exercise. It really hurts in one particular place, mostly if I sit cross-legged, but other times just randomly. I'm sure my joints are wondering what the hell is going on, since I haven't worked out in this millenium and now it's like an every day thing. I have lost a couple of pounds, though. I'd really like to lose the layer of blubber sitting on my back. That, I think (other than my non-flat stomach) is what bothers me the most. It kills me to know my back wrinkles up with rolls when I turn around. I miss the good ol' days of being 17 and being able to eat whatever I wanted. That was the life.

June is nearing half over and my progress is slow. It's a little worrisome, but there's nothing I can do except keep going. My cinematographer told me a couple of days ago that she got hired to work on a tv show for 12 weeks (it's reality-TRW), so I'm a little concerned about her availability. She's pretty sure she'll still be able to do the movie, but I'm skeptical. She has a tendency to try to do everything, and as a result, things fall through the cracks (i.e. my stuff, since I can't pay her). I'm hoping for the best.

I think that's all for now. I'm going to try to get my house cleaned up today and catch up on some reading I've neglected for the last couple of days. I have a pile of books in my living room that I intend to actually read this summer. I'd also like to pack some of my things, even though I still don't know when I'll be moving. I just know I won't want to do it later, because I don't want to do it now, either. But now I have time, so it should happen now. It's not like I need everything all the time anyway. So, there you go. Happy Flag(ging) Day.

Funk

Just a quick one since I have a few minutes and have nothing else with which to fill them. I'm going to a meditation class in a little bit. Why? Because it's free. Plus I've tried to do some meditation at home, and I'm not sure I'm getting it right, so I want to go somewhere where someone knows what is supposed to go down. Plus it's free, so why not?

In other news, I'm trying to stay on top of my other work, and for the most part I am, but I'm finding it very difficult sometimes to concentrate. I also find that I get really tired in the early afternoon, and naps have become common. I'm not super excited about the naps, but at the same time, if my body is telling me to sleep, perhaps I should sleep. I don't really have any strong argument against naps; it just seems like time I could be spending doing something productive. Although the argument could be made that I already waste plenty of time while I'm awake, so what's the difference?

I occurred to me the other day that I'm only about 2 months away from filming this monster, and while progress is being made, I feel grossly unprepared. The part of me that has done this before keeps reminding me that most details will come together closer to the last minute than not, and not to worry, but the other part of me that doesn't like questions marks and maybes doesn't like listening to that. So I have to find things to distract me from the fact that certain things can't be done yet. So I read and watch movies. I file that under 'research'.

I'm also moving along with my diet. I'm sitting at the 10th straight day of exercising, as in actually breaking a sweat. Today I actually started to feel stinky afterwards, meaning I sweat a lot. I'm hoping that's good. I read somewhere that you shouldn't weigh yourself more than once a week, and Friday mornings are my day. We'll see what happens then. I'm thinking there won't be much progress, mostly because of the whole building muscle paradox, making me heavier even though I'm getting better. At least that's the story I'm going with. I must say, however, that regardless of weight, my diet has vastly improved over what it was 2 months ago, and consists mostly of fruits and vegetables, with an egg or chicken breast thrown in here and there. Tonight I might also go get some frozen yogurt after the class if I feel up to it. The only thing that really brings me back down is beer. It's like a whole other meal if I even have one, which is a giant bummer. Oh well. I've only been having beers (or any kind of alcohol) about once a week anyway. Which is also less than before.

Anyway, I'm still trying to get out of the funk I found myself in yesterday. I think I see a light in the near future, but we'll just have to wait until I get there to see if I can actually pull myself out.

Alone

I've been working out for 7 days straight. I don't know if it's making any difference. I feel like I still look the same, so I'm not sure if the extra effort to look better is actually happening. We'll see. I'm hoping so. I'm planning to make it through until the end of the week, and then we'll see where I stand.

I'm learning about the harshness of working alone. I don't leave the house. Sweats are my outift for the day. I don't talk to people. I don't worry as much about showering or making sure I look okay. I just do my own thing and pretend no one else exists. It really starts to be the only way I can move forward. If I care about what other people do or say, I won't get anything accomplished. If I did care, I would have to stall during those times when no one bothers to call or see what's going on with me. And that trend has continued. Very few people have called me or contacted me to find out what I'm up to. So here is the real truth: No one really cares. No one gives a damn. All I have is me. These people who are here, who used to see me all the time, have forgotten about me. Out of sight, out of mind. It's really not that surprising. That's just how people are. No one really cares about anyone else. They are only motivated by guilt, rather than real concern about someone else. They are only doing what they think they 'should'. And I am clearly not part of what people think they should attend to. I am a passing thought. So I have to get used to that and work things out on my own. So that's what I'm doing.

Today I found myself wandering around the house eating watermelon. I wasn't really doing anything other than eating, and I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to sit, watch tv, read, write; nothing. It was that restless feeling that makes me want to move around but stops me from doing anything important. It's just a strange feeling of limbo, where I feel like I care about nothing and everything all at once. But the thing that stops me is that none of that is reciprocated. Everyone is still ignoring me. I'm still nothing but a blip on the radar, and I'm well aware of that. It's difficult to escape.

I have this schedule that I try to keep most days that include a certain kind of diet, plus exercise, plus reading, movies, and so on. And in the last few days, I have realized that having other people in my life prevents me from doing good things for myself. It would prevent me from having a good diet, good exercise, good habit, etc. So does that mean that I have to be alone forever in order to have a healthy, good life? Is having other people really just a compromise of who you really are or should be? I don't know. I'm not sure that being skinny and fit is worth the trade off of having someone love me. Not that anyone ever has, but still, it seems like the tradeoff isn't quite fair. I guess there are things that we really care about in life, and that is what I care about.

Frustrated

I think I might be getting a little bit of cabin fever. Or maybe I just don't have enough interaction with people. I feel like I'm going a little bit nuts. I did stuff today. Good stuff. I did some reading, activated my website, worked out, and so on. I was planning on starting my fundraising campaign today, but I didn't know that the approval process before your project gets posted was going to be more than a couple of hours. So that will have to wait until whenever they approve it. Hopefully tomorrow.

Yesterday I went to this class to learn how to do aerial silk stuff, or whatever that's called. I was actually pretty good at it, which was nice. I haven't done anything that physical in a while, so it felt good for it to come easy, even though a freakishly tall gay guy was teaching me how to do it. Why are the good looking ones always gay? Not fair. Just sayin. I'm supposed to go to 4 more classes, so we'll see where that goes.

So here's the thing: I'm doing things, moving forward and so forth. I should be happy. I should feel like I'm accomplishing things and moving toward my goals. But I guess it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere if there's no one around to tell. Or anyone who appreciates what I'm doing. Or even anyone that cares what's going on. No one in this town is calling me to ask me how it's going, what kind of progress I'm making, or even ask me what I'm doing. It's really annoying. Today I realized that I often check up on people when I haven't heard from them in a couple of weeks just to see what they're up to. Especially if I know that they're working on something. It doesn't even matter what it is. I try to encourage the people around me whenever possible. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Apparently these people are too self-absorbed to call, or even send an email. How long does that take? Two minutes?

Anyway, frustration is setting in. I'm frustrated.