The Week Ahead

I hate it when I don't feel good. Right now I feel sick and yucky. My stomach hurts, and I keep going back and forth between being really cold and really hot. I spent at least an hour on my bathroom floor today because the tiles are cool. I took a bath and almost fainted because it suddenly became too hot. I am fucked up.

On top of this, I know that there are lots of things I need to accomplish in the near future and I don't feel like even thinking about them but I know I don't have a choice in the matter. I keep thinking why do these things keep happening to me, and then I think I must be one of those people who thinks that things just keep happening to them even though they just keep doing stupid things that make things happen to them. If that makes any sense. But I try really hard to be nice to people and help them when they need it and be supportive and positive and all that, and then I get nothing back. Not from those people, not from other people, not from the universe. It starts to feel like I'm cursed. But I keep trying to tell myself that isn't the case because I don't want to fall into the pit of negativity again. I want to feel better. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and want me to be happy and will stop at nothing to make sure I get it. People who will bend over backwards for me and people who think the world of me and people who take pleasure in doing nice things for me because I always appreciate it and pay it back in kind. I just want to feel happy again. But let it be for real. And for a long time.

I have to work in the morning and I'm actually kind of relieved. At work there are people that seem to be happy to see me and can joke with me even though our job essentially sucks and we can laugh at all the stupid people and tell stupid funny stories and maybe I'll be able to forget how bad I feel long enough to eat something instead of wasting away like I am often wont to do when I'm unhappy. Tuesday I have some of my own work to do, then I go to work Wednesday and Thursday and hopefully on Friday I will be able to go see the pro at the club and beg her to fix me because I am one sick puppy who has just been taking placebos for the past few months.

My friend should be coming back from Vegas tomorrow, but I don't know when, and I hope she calls me because I really need someone here to talk to and cry to and make me feel better because right now everyone is so far away and can't help me. So anyway, I guess that's it.

Hopefully you are getting some rest from your hectic weekend. Have I ever mentioned that I admire you for donating your time so generously for the S.O.'s?