2 Twelfths
So now it's almost the end of the second month of the year. 2010 is 1/6th over. And here I wait. Wait for something to happen to transform my life into something other than what it is. Or just something a little less lonely. I like my job. Wait, I love my job. I'm almost done with school. I probably have a year left, and then I can teach at any university in the country that will hire me. Except that I'm pretty happy in the job I have, so at this point, I'm not sure what the point of the new degree is. But I'm getting it anyway, despite the fact that it's becoming more and more expensive by the day. I suppose I shouldn't complain. But I will anyway.
I recently thought that perhaps I was dating someone, but his absence this weekend kind of left me without. Thinking about all the things I wish I had. Maybe that's pre-emptive thinking, but that's how I am. I need attention. Constant attention. When no one is paying attention to me, my attention wanders and I end up in strange places. Like this one: I find it hard to believe that I was given desires to be someone and do something and not be able to fulfill that. I also find it difficult to believe that I will be spending the rest of my life alone, despite the fact that every experience I've had thus far goes against that very belief. Is it possible that someone like me could never find someone to be happy with? Actually, I think about it all the time.
I think about it because I have no reason be believe otherwise. No one is interested in me, even though I am interesting. I am interesting, and smart, and funny, and I like to think I'm easy on the eyes. All sorts of boys from my past regret not hanging on to me, so why would one in my present not be able to see my value?
Anyway, I have to say that it really sucks to be alone. As good as I am at all sorts of other stuff, I suck at relationships. I'm either too eager, too aloof, or too clueless to hang on to anything. And when it boils down to it, that's really all I want. The job is just part of the relationship resume. Something to make me attractive to someone else. Someone who will think that I'm cool or smart or hip or something. Whatever. It doesn't really matter, as long as someone is willing to stick by me and pay atention to me. The good kind of attention. And someone that is attractive. Otherwise, it's all pointless. So I guess that's it.
By the way, Happy Birthday. I meant to send you something, but I got distracted. Hope you had fun.
I recently thought that perhaps I was dating someone, but his absence this weekend kind of left me without. Thinking about all the things I wish I had. Maybe that's pre-emptive thinking, but that's how I am. I need attention. Constant attention. When no one is paying attention to me, my attention wanders and I end up in strange places. Like this one: I find it hard to believe that I was given desires to be someone and do something and not be able to fulfill that. I also find it difficult to believe that I will be spending the rest of my life alone, despite the fact that every experience I've had thus far goes against that very belief. Is it possible that someone like me could never find someone to be happy with? Actually, I think about it all the time.
I think about it because I have no reason be believe otherwise. No one is interested in me, even though I am interesting. I am interesting, and smart, and funny, and I like to think I'm easy on the eyes. All sorts of boys from my past regret not hanging on to me, so why would one in my present not be able to see my value?
Anyway, I have to say that it really sucks to be alone. As good as I am at all sorts of other stuff, I suck at relationships. I'm either too eager, too aloof, or too clueless to hang on to anything. And when it boils down to it, that's really all I want. The job is just part of the relationship resume. Something to make me attractive to someone else. Someone who will think that I'm cool or smart or hip or something. Whatever. It doesn't really matter, as long as someone is willing to stick by me and pay atention to me. The good kind of attention. And someone that is attractive. Otherwise, it's all pointless. So I guess that's it.
By the way, Happy Birthday. I meant to send you something, but I got distracted. Hope you had fun.
posted by Ocean | 10:32 PM
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