Perfectionize

I heard someone use a word today: perfectionize.

Perfect.

Hamster Overload

It is 5 in the morning and I can't sleep. I woke up over an hour ago. You are probably just getting to work. My stomach is bothering me and I don't know why. Jack in the Box? Chocolate cake? French fries? My throat hurts too. I hope it is just a temporary discomfort. Juice will be on the menu tomorrow. Ugh.

Anyway, today (as in yesterday) has been a whole bunch of proverbial fires springing up and me rushing to put them out or figure out how to put them out or how they started. Most of it has to do with the film festival, but my job situation also blew up in a matter of hours and I can't stop thinking about it now.

So one of the teachers I work with is having some medical issues that require immediate major surgery. It's pretty serious. One of those situations where it's a worse case scenario but a good prognosis for recovery. Crazy. Anyway, this guy teaches (by my latest count) at 3 different schools, all of which I have taught at, or currently teach. And he and I teach similar classes. Two of the three schools have already contacted me to take over his classes. Guess which one didn't? Hmm...maybe the one where I already teach and nearly filed a work grievance on the basis of not being offered work I was qualified and available to do? Yep, that would be the one. And the bitch is that I can't do the classes at the other two schools because of my other commitments (it would require a complete revision of my schedule), but at this school, none of his classes conflict with my schedule. How does this happen? I think I'm quickly learning what it means to be blacklisted, although I can't for the life of me figure out why it's happened. Adding insult to injury, I know for a fact that another teacher was tapped to teach at least one of these 3 classes, and he openly and ardently admitted to me that he is not even a little bit qualified to teach any of them. I actually have experience with these classes AND my original contract was never filled at the beginning of the semester because of "budget cuts". This other teacher humorously told me "My idea of World Cinema is National Lampoon's European Vacation. I'd be teaching the cartoon version of that class."

So needless to say, I have a bunch of strongly worded letters and phone calls to make tomorrow (today) and the hamster in my brain is going at warp speed in her little wheel. I'm guessing that is why my stomach is so messed up right now and the sleeping thing isn't working out.

No new developments with the boy. I think I'm going to leave the ball in his court and see what he does. If he wants me, he'll call, and if he doesn't, he won't. Either way I'll have some idea as to what he might be thinking. You know what they say about actions. I've already started envisioning my life without him again. Plus it looks like I'm about to have bigger and more important things on my mind.

I'm supposedly shooting a film this weekend. I'm not sure because my cinematographer has been incommunicado about a bunch of things, and so has the film commission (the people who gives us permits so we don't get arrested for things like trespassing). I'm getting stressed and bummed about it. I thought I was simplifying, but perhaps we can never really do that and still manage to do new things at the same time. Goals are proving to be a double edged sword it seems. Ca va.

Anyway, I hope you are well. It has been fricking freezing here lately and I'm sick of it. I moved here to get away from cold weather. At least "winter" is almost over. My guess is that in another week or so I'll be able to wear shorts again. I can't wait. It's hard to look fabulous and sexy when you're bundled up.

Now get to work, slacker.

Win

Congratulations on your win. I watched the last half. I even looked for you there, although I'm sure if you were even there, you were in the nosebleeds that aren't visible from the camera. You could probably touch the tv satellite before you'd be on the tv. hah!

So my roommate left for Europe tonight and she won't be back for about 2 weeks. So of course I chewed her out for not being excited about it. I'm so nice, aren't I? Actually it's a much bigger deal than that and I think I did the right thing, but I still feel bad.

My least favorite holiday is rolling around yet again, and the only single friend I have is my roommate, who has abandoned me. I'm a little lost about what to do. I've been a little down lately because of the boy thing, but I do see that I'm different than I used to be, since I used to wonder what I did wrong and now I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with him. C'est la vie, right?

Anyway, tomorrow I have a thing at school where I'm supposed to meet someone who is kind of a big deal in Hollywood, which should be interesting. I'm still debating whether or not I should wear slacks or a skirt.

I think that's about all I want to say. Except that I can't find my rolodex, so you aren't getting a card until I find it since I don't have your address committed to memory. Maybe it's in the garage. You should call me sometime when you have a few minutes and you aren't about to accidentally walk in on your parents. That's right, I said it. Deal.

Pale Horse

Hope things are well. I was doing just fine until a boy came back from the past. I guess it's been happening for a while, but I had naive assumptions that we could be friends and things were going to be different this time. He wants to hang out, he calls and so forth, but now I'm mad and irritated. About a week ago after some wine that he "had been saving" (since September), things got weird. Before the wine he was sitting next to me with his arm around me and his head on my shoulder. Then we were on the floor making out and then he carried me to the bedroom and so forth. We didn't do it; I managed to say something before it really got out of control, but yes, we made out (a lot) and both ended up naked. I also ended up with some bite marks on my neck, which was a great discovery right before I left for class.

Sounds great, right?

Not really. It's really just a bunch of lies and cheating since he has this girl in Chicago that thinks he is completely devoted to her and clearly he isn't. But that doesn't mean he's devoted to me either. I brought it up a couple of weeks ago that we had to be just friends and behave (and he agreed) and then this happens. I have never been all that great at saying no in general, but especially when it comes to him. And now I'm mad. At him for completely ignoring what I said, but also at myself for not being able to say no. And for letting him suck me back in. I was doing just fine without him. And now I feel like he's sucking the life out of me with his bullshit and I'm back in the same place (almost) that I was a year ago. Almost to the day.

I don't get it. Why does he have to be so stupid? He spent the evening (before anything happened) saying how awesome and fabulous I am and how much he liked my movie and can he keep the copy and how good I smell and blah blah blah and I bought it. Was he really serious, or is it just the loneliness talking? It was hard enough to cut him off the first time, you would think the second time would be easier, but I think it's just the opposite. Plus I'm older and I've had nothing going on all year that meant anything. Am I going to be alone forever? This seems like some sort of indication that I am wholly unsuitable for anyone. That whole "It'll happen when you least expect it" crap is exactly that. I have concentrated on only me for exactly a year, sworn off bad people, concentrated on work, school, and anything that is all about me, and nothing has happened.

So there I am on a Wednesday night, reading to a guy that seems to be hanging onto every word and does everything that makes me melt without my help. Although I must mention that I did chide him for not going down on me. Go figure; I was drunk.

And then his mom Facebooked me. WTF? Sure, I know her and she has my phone number (I didn't give it to her, he did). I'm also friends with his sister in law. Is that weird?

Still, this woman in Chicago looks like a horse. A really pale horse. Not that that makes me feel any better.