Problem Not Solved

He called me yesterday and we talked for over three hours. And at that time I felt a little bit better about things because he agreed that he had acted like a total asshole and he was completely wrong (it's not often you hear that from a guy) and apologized profusely and didn't even try to make any excuses for his bad behavior. Except that he wasn't thinking. Duh.

But for some reason, today I still find myself feeling sad and I don't exactly know why. Maybe I just need some more time to let it all go. Maybe it will never go away. Maybe I'm finally seeing things as they are instead of how I want them to be. Maybe things never change. Or maybe they can only get worse. And I'm scared that this is going to be just another series of awful experiences strung together until I say enough. And my tolerance for pain is not terribly high at the moment.

I was ready to never speak to him again. I almost deleted him from my phone. I was mentally saying goodbye to all the things we had planned to do together at some point, to all the things I wanted to do with him. I had already started to switch to depressed single girl mode (although I'm not sure I ever switched out of it). I was preparing myself for the worst case scenario, and then he called, and I feel like I'm still preparing myself for the worst. And maybe I am because I am starting to realize things now that make my friendship/relationship with him so much more complicated than I ever thought it was, and I am skeptical that it will ever be simple. Or that it will ever be painless. Or that he will ever understand what he is doing or how I feel. And I wonder if I'll ever be able to be a normal person. Because I really wish I was.