Afternoon

It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I'm sitting here in my bathrobe. I wrote an article today and looked at some magazines and made breakfast around 1pm and talked with Kid A. And then got really really really depressed, like always. Because I don't get him and neither does he and I'm so frustrated with him and with myself. I only went outside today to water the plants. And right now I just want to go back to bed even though I have a ton of things I should be doing in order to not get behind in school. Because I already am behind and it seems like it's pointless to even bother with it. I think I bit off more than I can chew this semester. I haven't worked on my paintings in about a week and I really need to get to them. They are just stacking up and doing nothing. I have nowhere to put them. Maybe I should stop doing them. Maybe I should stop doing lots of things. I'm trying to talk myself into going to an art opening tonight and to have a good time while I'm there. It shouldn't be that hard to get out and do things. But for some reason it is. Everything takes a ridiculous amount of effort that it makes me wonder why I'm even trying. It's not like anyone is going to notice or care whether or not I do anything. So anyway, life sucks, blah blah blah wish I was in bed.

Crappy Day

Ok, today was a crappy day, because all sorts of little things kept happening that made it not such a good day. I hate it when that happens. I got chewed out by some foreign guy because I dialed his number instead of someone else's. Perhaps because phones are a luxury in his country, he feels that American's don't deserve the right to dial unless they are one of his elite group or something. Or maybe he hasn't figured out that more than 3 people actually have phones in the U.S, so it's highly probably that he'll get a wrong number from time to time. Jackass.

I went to the bank and it took twenty minutes for the girl to process my deposit of 3 checks. At the drive-through. And then she forgot to give me my money, so it took longer. WTF? How hard is it to process deposits? Aren't they supposed to put the quick people at the drive up window? This chick was slow AND dumb. And her incompetence meant that I couldn't run my other errand at the post office because it would make me late for my meeting. Which would end up being irrelevant. See below.

My adviser at school completely forgot we had an appointment to meet, and then completely blew me off, and blew my questions, issues, and movie off. I try to cut him slack because he is busy, but I'm tired of being blown off by the faculty in this department. And he made me late to my next class.

My shoe broke, which made it impossible to walk in it, so I had to walk without it in public, something I absolutely loathe. Mostly because it's gross. My foot has shower written all over it right now.

I wanted to go to a concert tonight, and could not find anyone to go with me. I asked Kid A, and he said he "didn't feel like it". I hate it when he does that. I hate it when he does a lot of things. And I hate it that it bothers me so much.

Boy B said he would call me later tonight, but true to form, he hasn't. I'm not as mad, mostly because I knew he was lying when he said it and never actually expected him to call. It would have been nice, though, to feel as if someone is thinking about me enough to call.

I have a ton of reading that needs to get done by tomorrow, and I know that no matter what I do, I will not finish, because it is esoteric and boring and there are over 100 pages of it. Plus I disagree with a large portion of it, which makes it that much harder to get through. I also need to get started on another paper that will be due in a couple of weeks, and get some film stuff done, and figure out this other pseudo-job I just found out about today and get some actual quality writing done.

It's also been a bad day because I got stuck in that lonely for no reason feeling that strikes when I'm least capable of thwarting it. Nothing happens and I still get depressed. I hate that. Because it's unstoppable and because it's overwhelming. And because I can't talk about it with anyone because they won't understand. I don't understand either.

I'm going to see the pro at the club tomorrow, and I'm hoping she'll have something helpful to say. Because these days, things get hard fast, and not in a good way.

Happy Birthday To Me

Yes, I'm older, but I actually feel younger. Or just maybe not old. Went to the Ani concert last night and as always, she rocked. And as always, she performed a song that I hadn't previously heard but I loved and wish I could hear again. I didn't know she was preggers, but last night she said she was having a girl. I have a feeling that she will be a mighty independent little baby. Just a hunch. Kid A went with me, and we had a decent enough time. I'm glad poodlehead is finally leaving for good, but I'm concerned that he will just replace her with some other annoying chick he met in a bar when he could replace her with me. Idiot. Why are guys so fucking stupid?

Anyway, all in all it was a good birthday, and in light of the last year and my last birthday, I enjoyed the whole thing. It was great to have Professor Pariah out of my plans, even though he called to wish me a happy birthday A DAY LATE. Yet another reason guys are fucking stupid: you may sleep with them for two years, and they will claim to care about you and blah blah blah bullshit like that, but they will never remember when your fucking birthday is. Asshole. Oh well, if he hadn't called at all I would not have missed it. I would have preferred it. I still find it amazing that the jackass that lied to me and betrayed me and abandoned me thinks he should still get to talk to me. What a moron. Did I mention he was an asshole?

And while I'm on the subject of idiot men, I found out that my famous ex boyfriend is now crazy. And I don't mean a little weird or quirky. I mean fucking goofy. The word on the street is that he now believes he was born in Boston in 1900 and wears a bunch of Irish charms and talks with a funny accent. Oh, and he believes he is in love with one of my best girlfriends that he dated for about three days about a month after I left town. So, now I get to add him to the list of exes: gay, alcoholic, cheating, and now crazy. I sure know how to pick 'em.

So maybe the best present I got this year is being single. Happy birthday to me. And I may have been a bit toasty, but don't I look cute?

It's My Birthday

Yes, today is my birthday. Again. And now I'm over that hump of just starting to be old and actually being old as old news. I'm trying to take the day gracefully, but to be honest, I'm less worried about my age and more about making the next year better than the last. Because we all know the last year sucked balls. And not in a good way.

So far it has been a good day. I worked very early this morn, and even though it was a little bit hectic, no one yelled at me and my cohort for the day, who happened to be Boy B, was very nice and helped me do a lot of stuff. Mostly heavy lifting and reaching things on really high shelves, but he also made me laugh and generally hung out with me so I didn't have to work as hard. He also said he has a present for me, but I left before he did, so I haven't gotten it yet. And he will probably not venture out to the brithday dinner, as he has some family issues that are more important (really).

Lots of people have called me, including my mom, which is nice. I never know how my parents are going to handle my birthday, because some years they don't call, some years I get a check for fifty bucks, and some years I get a card from a box of cards that's blank on the inside and is just signed by one of them. They actually both signed it this year, which means they must be getting along (mostly).

I shopped myself into a little black dress yesterday, and today I bought some earrings, so I should be ready. I would have bought shoes, but it's just not in the budget at the moment.

I also shopped for filming locations, and the film commission has a color copier that I can use for free. I wish I would have known that a long time ago. Still, I found some great stuff, and now I just have to make some calls, turn on the charm, and hope for charity. Wish me luck.

I'm temping tomorrow at a place that requires me to do exactly two things: answer the phone, and buzz people in. I don't even know what kind of company it is, but it's only for one day, so I think I can handle it. Other than that, I don't have any work for the next week, which sucks financially, but should allow me to get caught up on school and the movie. I'm trying to stay in movie mode so I don't lose interest and steam right when I need it the most. I find that I get most excited about the whole thing when people ask me how it's going. Or just ask me about it in general. There seems to be a small circle of people that are very interested in seeing the final product (mostly school people, but that's ok). Whether it's because it's one of the few films coming from that school that is being shot on 35mm film or because it's me or because I went to Colorado; I don't know, but people are interested. Or at least curious.

Anyway, I need to shower before the big dinner. Hibachi this year (which I did for my 25th, but this year will be much better than that one).

Pancakes

Lately I've been craving pancakes. And usually when you go out and satisfy a craving, it goes away, but in this case, it stays. I've had this craving for about three weeks now, and I've had pancakes a couple of times and it doesn't make the craving go away. I'm finally breaking down and buying some syrup so I can make some here at home. Maybe pancakes is my new comfort food, since I haven't had much comfort lately. I don't even want to think about it, but there's not much room in my head for anything else.

Work is piling up, mostly because my job is making it extremely difficult to do my homework. And I keep getting further and further behind, which makes it harder to make myself do the work. At some point, it just feels like what's the point?

I got sunburned at the beach the other day, but I'm ok with it. My sunburns actually look more brown than red, and there's no one around to see it anyway. Anyway, I'm rambling about nothing, so I'm going to stop.

Calls

It's Friday, and I have no plans for the rest of the evening. Pathetic. Actually, a hot bath and some bourbon are sounding kind of nice right now, considering they are a substitute for any kind of real life. Kid A is not returning my calls again, which really irritates me and I don't like it. Boy B was at work today, so I made it known that I don't appreciate him blowing me off for a bong hit and a six-pack. He said he would call me tonight, but I sincerely doubt that he will. It seems that the only person who is calling me is Dr. Evil, who now thinks it's ok to just call me because he ambushed me at school and I didn't punch him in the face. But in reality, I don't want to see him, and every time he calls me and leaves a message on my phone, I find myself saying fuck you into it repeatedly instead of listening to it. I'm thinking of programming his number into my phone so I don't accidentally answer it one day, but I'm trying to think of a fitting epithet to use. Any suggestions?

An NFL team is staying in our hotel this weekend; that oughtta be interesting. They always act like they're going to eat a bunch of food, but my girlfriend eats more than they do, and her diet consists primarily of Starbucks frappucinos. And to top it off, the only player for them I can name doesn't play for them any more, so that gives you some sort of idea as to how anti-climactic the whole thing is going to be.

My house is a wreck. I wish there was an elf that could come and take care of things while I'm away all day, but sadly, he does not exist. So, I'm being inundated with junk mail that just piles up because inspiration and motivation have left the building. Right now I'm fighting the urge to just crawl into bed and do nothing because I know that it would make no difference to no one except for me, and right now, I don't really care about me very much.

On another note, I started a new painting the other day, and so far, I think it looks pretty cool. Now if I could just finish the other three that I started months ago, we'd be in business.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'm sure I'll espouse more drivel later, perhaps after a couple of stiff drinks.

School, Work

It's Thursday, and it just happens to be the only day this week that I don't have school or work. But of course I'm working. On school shit. And when I say shit, I really mean it, because I'm not learning anything or doing anything productive. So here's the situation: I'm a graduate assistant for a class that's mostly freshmen. It should be no problem, even though the class has over 200 people in it (which is ridiculously irresponsible of the school, but whatever).

I have a couple of problems with this class. The first is that it is being taught by another grad student, who is in my graduate class, and he has never taught before, whereas I have. So, I have more teaching experience, more large class experience, and at least the same, if not more, knowledge on the subject, and somehow I'm his assistant. This is total bullshit, and only demonstrates how sexist and retarded the department is, and I'll probably bitch to someone about it later in the semester.

My second problem is that he is assigning all sorts of things that "don't count towards their grade", also known as "busywork". I have an ethical problem with this, because it is something I always hate as a student, something that makes me resent the professor and resist anything he's trying to teach because if the professor doesn't think it's important, why should I give a fuck about it? Plus, there is no greater insult than a professor who just wants to give you assignments for the sake of giving them, not to teach you anything. My time is valuable, and I expect the learning potential of each assignement to be valuable (i.e. important enough to grade).

The third problem is that all this busywork comes to me, and I'm supposed to read these assignments every week (over 200 people, remember). Actually, he said I could "scan" them, but what is the point of even looking at them if I'm not going to bother with their content? Again, the ethical question of assigning things that are actually important, because now I'm stuck with them, and the students are under the impression that they are being read. And graded, which they aren't. So I'm not reading them, because I'm a stubborn bitch. There are also quizzes that "don't count toward the grade", but for some reason, I'm supposed to keep track of who is taking it and how they are doing. What the fuck?

So to summarize, this dude is the worst teacher I have ever seen so far, and he has no idea how much he sucks. And I tried to tell him how unrealistic and unreasonable it is to think these things are all going to happen (partially because my GA contract stipulates that I'm not supposed to work more than 5 hours a week on this shit), but he tried to figure out how to make me do it anyway, not knowing that I can and will be a super bitch about it and I am keeping track of my hours and when they expire, the work will be forwarded to him, along with a strongly worded letter that says something to the effect of "Do it your own fucking self, you worthless undeserving untalented bastard."

No wonder students are so not into school. Because of jackasses like him. What a moron.

Plus I should be teaching the class. I sure as hell wouldn't assign busywork, and my lectures would actually be interesting. And I wouldn't show the idiotic movies he's showing. I'd show something worth talking about. Grr...

Dilemma

Ok, here's the situation: My parents went away...wait, that's not it. No, I got my work schedule, and I'm scheduled to work on my birthday. Do I suck it up and work at 6am and then party only a little because I have to work again at 6am on Friday, or do I trade Thursday away, or do I trade Friday away, knowing that it means I will have to work a dreaded Sunday, which means putting up with those annoying church people who have no church so they come and spoil our Sunday mornings every week?

I once swore I would never work on my birthday again after a particularly bad run in with a jackhole on my birthday (22nd?), and so far I haven't. The crux of the situation is that I have to work sometime because I'm so hard up for cash (who says the movie bidness isn't glamorous?) I'm not particularly excited about this birthday, but I have a firmly rooted belief that how my birthday goes sets the tone for the rest of the year. Kind of like my own personal New Year's Day.

Anyway, I'm wondering if I should skip the "I'm special" attitude this year and go for the "I just want to get through it alive" tack.

Stupid work. Just like cops: always around when you don't want them, never around when you need them.

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Why aren't you reading the End Credits blog too? Don't you love my movie anymore? That one has pictures and everything....

Feedback

Interesting feedback. I know my blog ends up being my whiny cry-baby soapbox, and today I realized how skewed it makes me sound. I'm not used to having visitors, but I think visitors are cool, especially ones with a point of view and a big mouth. They kind of remind me of myself. So here are a few things to think about:

No, I don't think the characters on Sex and the City are normal women, but they are probably the closest thing to it on television, and there is something very cathartic about watching them go from man to man to man, which is something I have never been able to do. To be honest, I'm not really sure what normal is, but I do know that I am pretty far outside of what it might be, for the following reasons:

1. I'm left-handed.
2. I dabble in most of the arts, including visual art, music, dance, theater, and of course, film.
3. I was once in the circus. Trapeze. Beat that.
4. I grew up without cable TV.
5. I hate grocery shopping but I love to eat.
6. I would rather park far away and walk than circle the car for 20 minutes looking for the closest possible spot.
7. I take the stairs.
8. I hate crowds, noise, and the exploitation of animals, but I love horse racing. I can't help it.
9. My favorite films are all subtitled. And I've never seen The Godfather. (But I will eventually)
10. I have been in college for roughly 10 years, and I still have no skills that are valuable enough in the workplace to get me a job that pays more than $10 an hour. (I can make people laugh and entertain the shit out of them, but those TPS reports are beyond the scope of my expertise.)

Switching subjects:
I know they're not that into me. I saw that episode too. But the trouble is that I have girlfriends that are now in this category. That is what is alarming. Aren't your girlfriends supposed to love you no matter what? And how does one go about finding someone that IS that into you without unleashing some crazy stalker?

I also have this theory that men are made lazy and crass by society, because the women are so busy competing for them, they just sit back and watch the show. If women were able (and I count myself in this group) to constantly focus on something besides snaring men, and the sex and attention dried up, then perhaps men would start thinking they need to buck up and treat us how we deserve to be treated. Just a thought.

And for the record:

I think I'm pretty fabulous. I don't say it very often because this is the spot where I whine and bitch and moan about everything I don't have, but it's true. In real life, I'm hilarious and entertaining and upbeat but also cyncial and witty. I make people laugh. Plus I'm kinda hot and my talents are wide and varied. I just get tripped up in certain areas of my life and this is where those issues land. Otherwise I would have to bore my friends with it, and I would rather whine to far-off strangers who would rather read this than work, because then I've got nothing to lose. If you stop paying attention, I'm still posting.

So anyway, thanks for reading, comments are appreciated--especially if they make me laugh.

The Basement

I'm going to try to get going on this movie thing today. It's hard to do things when you just don't feel like it. And right now all I feel like doing is staying in bed and talking to no one. I came to realization recently that most of my friends don't ever invite me to do things with them. They go out with their "other" friends. I've been trying to figure out why this is, and I can't seem to grasp it. Do they think I'm not fun? Are they embarrassed to be seen with me? Do they just not like me that much? If it was only one person, I might not take it so hard, but when it's everyone except one person, it becomes a bit stickier. Unfortunately, I have feelings, and they are easily hurt, and when I'm never included, it starts to wear me down. I want to give up. I want to leave town and forget about it and hole up in my parents' basement where I don't have to worry about what anyone else is doing because there is no one else. Because that's about how it feels right now.

Boys Suck, Part II

Boys still suck. Boy B was at work today, and I pretty much did my best to ignore him, and I think he got the message. He left before me, and didn't talk to me or apologize for his terrible behavior, but I did find a flower stuck under my windshield wiper when I left work, and it kind of makes me more mad because he can to that, but he can't say he's sorry or pick up the fucking phone and I'm so tired of dealing with the bullshit. If you like me, fine. If you don't, fine. But stop jerking me around because it's just pissing me off and we have to work together so I'd rather not be pissed off all the time when I'm at work like I was today.

I got a message from an acquaintance tonight that she saw Kid A downtown tonight and he was with that other girl that none of us like because she is so rude and completely unnattractive. And completely unworthy of wearing glitter. And it irritates me that he is with her even though I knew he would be and it made me sick to my stomach when I heard about it. And I keep wondering, why doesn't he ever want to go out downtown with me? Supposedly we are at least friends, but we never "hang out". He comes over here or I go over there, but we never go places, or at least he never invites me to places and I find that very alarming. Is he embarrassed to be seen with me? I know I'm hotter than poodlehead, so please, get real.

I'm considering taking a hiatus from all the male people in my life. They have given me nothing but trouble for almost a year now, and I'm not even getting sex out of it. All I get is a headache and lots of confusion. I'm so tired of it. So tired of them. They suck.

Boys Suck

Why do boys suck? Boy B is still being a moron; a six year old has more brains and common sense than he does. But I'm getting the message; he doesn't actually want to date me. How silly of me to think he did. Kid A has been nice to me; he took me riding the other day. On the way back he mentioned his weekend and the other girl, whom he never refers to by name, and I immediately stopped talking about the weekend. I don't want to know, I don't like her, never will, and am just waiting for her to leave the country forever. And she can take her crazy hair and her old lady underwear and her undeserved glitter with her. He'll only replace her with another, but I really really really don't like her. I liked the drunk a lot better.

I'm thinking my entertainment is going to be some movies in the near future. There are some good things out, and some good things coming out. I know the movies are expensive, but they are often cheaper than a trip to the bar, so I need to buck up and go see some. I'm living in a vaccuum.

I ran into Dr. Evil at school the other day, or rather he found me and sat down and talked to me. Ugh. He just doesn't get it. I also saw him last night driving in his car with that woman. I hate that his life happens so close to mine. I want him away forever, and I hope whatever he's doing, it hurts a lot. I'm vindictive, and I'm ok with that.

Down or Out

I drove to LA today before class. Don't you have a job, you say? Well, apparently not anymore. I went in today and she said I had been "cancelled". I've been many things: fired, dumped, separated, put on hold, but never cancelled. There's something very inhuman about that, and I'm sure that's why she chose that word. Because then they're not actually doing something TO me, they're doing it to my position. You would think I would be upset, but I'm really not. Yes, I'm a little concerned about what I'm going to do for money, and how I'm going to pay for my film, but it will be nice to have time to do things again. Now I don't have to plan my entire week around Monday, when I don't have to work. Now I have time to go through all the campus rigamarole of paperwork and forms and office hours and so forth. And maybe now I'll be able to plan my second round of movie-making without the insanity to go with it.

I finally got a home phone to complement my cell phone, which I think is a very good thing. Now I don't have to use my minutes, and those people who are not in my network know who they are and know they should call me there so I can still afford to eat. I really don't want another $250 phone bill, especially now that I am only partially employed.

I tripped over a computer monitor on my kitchen floor this morning (too complicated to explain) and now my shin is all torn up. And it hurts. And it's swollen. Yuck. I also believe that I have been chewing on my lip in my sleep, because it hurts like it's splitting, except that it's on the inside of my lip and it isn't split. I hate it when I maim myself in my sleep.

I talked to Kid A the other day. He was sick and I took him some chicken soup since I was in the neighborhood. He's really the only person I hang out with that I don't have to talk to or entertain in order to be content. And we did talk about a lot of stuff, but then settled into that quiet that would normally be uncomfortable, but with him it isn't. And I realized a lot of things (some things I just realized again) that kind of made me feel better but kind of made me feel sad because it's hard when people you care about are unhappy and there's nothing you can do about it. But I hope that sometimes he feels at least a little better because I am around and I'm paying attention.

Boy B, contrary to my previous belief, has not broken all of his fingers in a tragic kitchen mishap; they are all intact and working correctly. Why then, is he so unable to figure out that mysterious contraption known as the telephone? Well, I have no idea. I have not had a conversation with him in almost two weeks, but have left messages for him and spoken with him briefly at work. So I have no idea what his problem is, and why he insists on being so unreliable and annoying when it comes to making a simple phone call. My only answer to this problem is that he really isn't all that interested, and I was mere entertainment to begin with. I just didn't know it. I thought he wanted to date, he thought something else. Or nothing at all. Take your pick. I almost deleted him from my phone today, but didn't for some reason. I guess maybe it's too soon to do something that feels so spiteful. Or maybe not. Take your pick.

Labor

I wish I was a normal person. Today I woke up early and laid in bed and watched Sex and the City and cried during each episode. What the hell is wrong with me you say? Well, I don't really know, except that it makes me unbelievably sad to watch their lives be normal and have guys in their lives that are swell and supportive and all that, and then look at my own, where I have guys that are liars or haven't figured out how to use the phone or are confused but want to sleep with me anyway. It also bothers me that I can't let this go, and it's the main thing that I've been harping about for most of my life. You would think that at this point in my life I could point to at least one relationship where I could say yes, that was pretty normal. But no, not a one. They are all either gay, or with kids that I don't know about, or with other women, or jerking me around, or only kinda sorta interested (because I'm kinda hot, but kinda weird too). Or they are in love with someone who already dumped them, or they are pathological liars, or just plain flaky. And I am the same as always. Always alone, always feeling sad because no one is there for me when I need it, and I'm tired of 30 years of having to be there for myself, of laying in bed looking to tv to make me feel better and give me the answers to my life problem. It sounds so stupid and cliche and I hate it about myself, but I need more attention and more hugs. Stupid. And short of a nervous fucking breakdown, I don't feel like anything will get anyone's attention. Am I really so pathetic? My birthday is in less than 20 days, and I'm feeling so unbelievably old and unwanted and the question of the week (or perhaps the month) is Why am I so undateable? Do I have some strange scent that makes men want to sleep with me and nothing else. I attract the strangeness that is everything except relationships. I'm waiting for this to pass, but it looks like this is my labor for the weekend.

Today's Lament

Kid A called me yesterday and asked me if he could stay at my house because of his work schedule, and I said sure. And as he was on his way over at 11:30 at night, it dawned on me that where he was working is not closer to my house than his, nor is my house closer to his morning job. So basically, he just wanted to come over, but he didn't want to say that. And of course, he didn't get very much sleep, but he had to know that was what was going to happen.

As always, I'm confused. Why can't he just say what he wants? Why does he have to make up excuses? I know damn good and well that him coming over here isn't convenient or fast or close to anything, because there is only one road in and out of here and it's always congested. The only thing I'm close to is the beach. I told him a couple of weeks ago (and yesterday afternoon, before all of this transpired) that I was confused and didn't understand anything he did, and I guess I'm just hoping that he'll clear some of it up at some point. And last night I got the distinct feeling he wanted to tell me something, but he didn't and that worries me. Maybe he just got distracted, or maybe distraction was the point. Or maybe he has nothing to tell me and I'm just making it up because of those periods where he just sits there and stares at nothing and takes a deep breath like he's trying to put his words together in his mind first.

Anyway, today's lament is that I don't understand why I can't seem to find men who want to have a normal relationship with me. And I don't know why.