Morals
So I guess there are a few morals one could learn from the story of this weekend:
Never trust anyone.
Never have expectations, because then you can't be disappointed.
Don't stick your neck out; it will only get chopped off.
You can't get ahead.
I'm sure there are more, but right now I'm coming up blank. I had a whole bunch earlier. So, working backwards, I've felt sick to my stomach all day, and didn't sleep hardly at all last night, bawled in my bed and my car, left a party somewhat abruptly and non-gracefully. All because Drunkie was there and he was there and they were kissing and pawing each other right in front of me and I realized how thoroughly I'd been duped and wondered how long he has been lying to me. It was so humiliating to feel so stupid, and only he and I apparently know what's going on. All this time I thought he was so nice and sweet and it turns out that he's thoughtless, cruel, callous, insensitive, and above all, he's just like the last one. A liar who used me. What was he thinking? Not just yesterday, but a month ago, and a month before that? And if I had confronted him about it, what would he have to say for himself? But I couldn't because I was unsure if what would spring forth from my mouth would be sad and pathetic or angry and mean, and I like to know before I start talking if mean me is going to make an appearance.
And there are parts of me that I hate because I feel so awful and I'm upset that I'm so upset. I should have been more on my guard. I had no reason to trust him, and yet I did it anyway. And I'm so angry and sad, and yet I'm still sitting here wondering if he's going to call me and wondering how long he'll wait before he does. Will it be today? Tomorrow? Three days? Never? Somehow it feels like a carefully orchestrated scenario so he could rid himself of me. And I played into it, and voila, he has rid himself. but he could have just told me. It would have been a lot less cruel and painful and would've gotten the same result.
So it seems that I'm back where I started. Embittered, faithless, unconsolable, disillusioned, hopeless. So much for progress. Now I am back at square one.
Never trust anyone.
Never have expectations, because then you can't be disappointed.
Don't stick your neck out; it will only get chopped off.
You can't get ahead.
I'm sure there are more, but right now I'm coming up blank. I had a whole bunch earlier. So, working backwards, I've felt sick to my stomach all day, and didn't sleep hardly at all last night, bawled in my bed and my car, left a party somewhat abruptly and non-gracefully. All because Drunkie was there and he was there and they were kissing and pawing each other right in front of me and I realized how thoroughly I'd been duped and wondered how long he has been lying to me. It was so humiliating to feel so stupid, and only he and I apparently know what's going on. All this time I thought he was so nice and sweet and it turns out that he's thoughtless, cruel, callous, insensitive, and above all, he's just like the last one. A liar who used me. What was he thinking? Not just yesterday, but a month ago, and a month before that? And if I had confronted him about it, what would he have to say for himself? But I couldn't because I was unsure if what would spring forth from my mouth would be sad and pathetic or angry and mean, and I like to know before I start talking if mean me is going to make an appearance.
And there are parts of me that I hate because I feel so awful and I'm upset that I'm so upset. I should have been more on my guard. I had no reason to trust him, and yet I did it anyway. And I'm so angry and sad, and yet I'm still sitting here wondering if he's going to call me and wondering how long he'll wait before he does. Will it be today? Tomorrow? Three days? Never? Somehow it feels like a carefully orchestrated scenario so he could rid himself of me. And I played into it, and voila, he has rid himself. but he could have just told me. It would have been a lot less cruel and painful and would've gotten the same result.
So it seems that I'm back where I started. Embittered, faithless, unconsolable, disillusioned, hopeless. So much for progress. Now I am back at square one.
posted by Ocean | 4:11 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home