Rambling

A smattering of rambling for you today...

I took a listen to recent Gavin Rossdale today. Doesn't he sound like old Peter Gabriel?
It's raining. It's California. WTF?
I don't get sick. I get infected. Hmm.
I hate the word "addicting". Actually, it's not even a word the way most people use it.
I think the boy's got it bad for me. He doesn't care that I'm contagious.
I think I was Parisian in a past life.
I kind of miss my family.
Being broke is stressful.
I have a bike. I haven't been able to ride it yet. I can't wait for the weather and my health to improve.
I always feel smelly when I'm sick. I don't know why.
The Lakers are really on my list now.
The following people need to be sent to The Island:
Michael Bay
Shia Lebeouf
Kobe Bryant
My ex. And his whore wife.
The chair of my department
Dick Cheney (give up already--your term is OVER)
Tyra Banks
Kim Jong Il

Sociopath

Argh. It sucks how people how plan to never see again manage to pop up in your life. I've seen Jerkface twice this weekend. Today he was with his 'girlfriend', Ms. No Personality. I watched him WALK AWAY FROM HER to come talk to me. She never spoke a word to me. Don't know if she doesn't care or is completely oblivious or what. Still, I'm way hotter than her. Seeing her again reminded me of just how much. She's toast compared to my decadent pastry. Seriously.

The other night, I went out with my peeps. I wore a very short black skirt and a black lace corset with the big red butterfly in my hair. I looked ridiculously hot. Felt hot too. Anyway, his sister in law saw me and started talking to me, then her husband, then his friend Mel. I thought little of it and got another drink. Next thing I know, there's someone tapping my shoulder and it's Jerkface. With his brother. One of those situations where bro goes to the other bro and says 'Hey, I just saw something you need to see. Come with me". And so he did. And then he saw what he's missing. 100 bucks says his gf was wearing jeans and a stupid blouse. Not that she has much to show off anyway. Except maybe her penis.

Then comes the dumb conversation.
Him: Why didn't you invite me to the thing last week?
Me: (in my head) Um, because I have no interest in seeing you. (for real) You need to learn to plan ahead.
Him: Can't believe you didn't invite me.
Me: You could've gotten in if you'd really wanted to. (in my head) Your GF probably bitched so you gave up and went home.
Me: Nice shirt. Gift? (in my head) Because she buys everything for you, you lazy SOB.
Him: Yes. But I picked it out.
Me: It's nice. (in my head) Of course you did. She has no taste, so she could never pick something like that out. I would, you idiot.
Him: You look nice. (subtext) I wish I could have sex with you right now.
Me: Thanks. (subtext) Fuck off. p.s. Did you notice I'm standing next to a hot lacrosse player?

And then I ran into him today, which actually wasn't that much of a surprise, but I had hoped to avoid him. His mom invited me to a thing at the park and asked me to hang out for a while. Which ended up being about 4 hours. It was ok, though. His parents are a riot. I'm a little concerned that his mom might be my new BF. It's weird. But she's fun. The GF kept her distance from both his parents and myself for most of the time they were there. When they showed up in the afternoon, it was clear he'd had some alcohol. Classy. He was sitting with her on the grass as she didn't blend in, and I caught him looking at me several times (never underestimate the advantage of sunglasses). He's mentally cheating when she's sitting right there with him. Or he's worried about what his mom might say to me. Which could be anything, to be honest. (actually, she doesn't talk about him that much)

When I left, his mom gave me a big hug. His dad (who I've only met once before) told me to not be a stranger. Told me to come out to something but I didn't catch what it was or when. Or who. His bro and bro's wife gave me goodbye hugs. I noticed him positioning himself (away from the GF) in a place where I would have to walk past him to leave.
Him: Thanks for hanging out with my parents.
Me: Well, you know they love me. (subtext) And hate Ms. No Personality. Just like you.

And I left. And since then I've been trying to figure out how to do what I want and not have him around. Which is actually a bit of a pickle since we like all the same stuff.

New subject:
I have a date on Tuesday. Some guy I met on Friday. Mike. 25. It should be interesting. It is weird to me that I have a date with someone I met but don't know. And when I see him again I'll be sober, which could be a little strange. I was already about 5 drinks in when I met him. I'm a little worried that the picture in my head won't match reality. I remember nice teeth. And something about a pharmacy. And a little gay friend wearing glow lights. We'll see what develops.

Anyway, the moral of this story is that men suck. Seriously. Either that or I'm a sociopath.

Shortage

Are my standards too high? I'm starting to think they might be. Occasionally I read articles about dating and such, and I realize that my problems have very little to do with me. I'm funny, approachable, hot, and easy going. I'm not making huge blunders that chase men away. I'm not shy. I know how to highlight the positive. I don't talk about exes or bad things in my life or the world. I'm able to be normal for a few hours. The problem is them. I've gone on lots of dates in the last year, and I wasn't attracted to any of them (except for the one guy, who I never actually dated). They're all out of shape, frumpy, and basically boring. Their jokes are old and tired, their jobs are completely uninteresting, and they're short. Yes, short. I don't like being two inches taller when I put heels on. What happened to all the cute guys? Where are they? The cute guys I've met have all been d-bags. So there's the crux of the situation. Personality=not cute. Cute=jerk. Very reductive, I know, but I've had some experience with this. I went on a date last week and the guy was not tall and he was chubby. And unbelievably boring. Nice, but boring. We had nothing in common. At all. Somehow whenever I go on a new blind date, I think this one will be different, that he will be cute and I will at least be attracted to him. Nope. One year. Not attracted to ANY of them. I never thought of myself as picky, but maybe I am. I want tall, fit, with hair, straight teeth, and clean clothes. And not a scheming d-bag. Is that so difficult? I know a couple of cute guys here, but they're kind of young and I don't have the cajones to ask either of them out. Mostly because I know them from school. Once graduation comes and goes, who knows where they will go? I doubt they have any plans to stay here. And I can't blame them. Argh. Such a shortage of hotties.

Horsies

So I'm in a place with bottomless Mimosas for their Sunday brunch. I'm in heaven. Anyway, it just occurred to me how many people I've lost contact with in my life, and it makes me kind of sad. Some of them I've lost contact with completely, others are just peripheral. And I see how everyone has this life they've created that has absolutely nothing to do with how they were when I knew them, and it makes me wonder if I ever knew/know anyone. Who is actually real? Last night I went to a horse show with Jerkface's mom. She's great. But I realized at some point in the evening that she knows a version of Jerkface that none of us knew. The one that used to have goals and aspirations and cared about stuff before the ladies started trampling him. It makes me wonder how much of ourselves we compromise by being in relationships. Obviously, he's sacrificed a lot. The only thing I've ever heard him talk about with any kind of happiness or excitement is horses. It's what he's most sensitive about. And yet, it's been relegated to a teeny tiny part of his life. Basically, he's waiting for his horse that he's had for some 15 odd years to die. yes, that bothers me. No one should have to sacrifice what they love just because someone else doesn't understand. I wish I had known him 10 years ago before he got all fucked up.

So she and I went, and after we had gotten to our seats, she mentions that he might show up. Great. Just who I want to see. Jerkface and his 'girlfriend'. Fan-fucking-tastic. Oh well, I looked good, so I didn't really care too much. He called her when he got there and lo and behold it was sold out. It was kind of sad and kind of funny all at the same time. I know he would have rather been with us, but the G probably wasn't real high on the idea, so he let it go to chance and paid the price for it. I made some glib comment about planning ahead and then tried to forget about it. But then last night I had a dream about his horse dying and when I woke up this morning I felt guilty. I don't know why.

I am the woman of his dreams. I am the one he belongs with. But as I've said before, my level of respect has plummeted in recent weeks to the point where I would almost prefer to date a homeless person than him. If I could somehow find the Jerkface of 10 years ago, instead of the 2009 version, perhaps there'd be a chance. But now, I don't think so. I can't be with someone who gives up.