Misc.

I got an invitation today to go back to A'ville for a reunion of all the people I did research with. I thought about going, until I found that a flight from here to there is about $800. Plus I would have to pay for car rental and hotel and all that other stuff. I wish I could be rich and do whatever I wanted. I have the time, but not the dough. That always sucks.

Today is Thursday, the day I have not one, but two classes, and I have to work at the butt crack of dawn (or before) tomorrow. It kind of sucks, but seeing as how I'm barely scraping the money up for rent, I don't really mind working all that much. And maybe I'll even get to go out tomorrow night and get drenched on my way into the bar. We'll see.

I go back and forth every day; things I should or shouldn't do, people I should or shouldn't talk to, or trust. It really sucks. I can't ever seem to make up my mind. Or just stick to a decision. I'm crazy.

I got my taxes done. It's the one time it's nice to be poor, because I get everything back. Literally. I pay $2 in state taxes this year (which means I'm getting a bunch of money back), and nothing in fed. My columns all add up to zero, which is really depressing the rest of the year, but is nice in April. It's like Christmas.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm not working at all after tomorrow, which is kind of scary but I guess I'll just roll with it.

A'ville

Aha! My deductive skills tell me you are on one of your little side trips to my old stomping grounds. I miss it so much. I often think about moving back, but always get stuck when I try to think of what I would do there. Wait tables? Been there, done that. I'd rather not move 3000 miles just to say "you want fries with that" to people who are going to demand buckets of sweet tea.

I found my Portishead CD today; it's been missing since January. I'm glad I found it before I replaced it. I was getting close.

Again, I wish I had more stuff to report that isn't about how my life sucks, but I don't. The weather here is chilly when it's sunny and the rest of the time it's raining. I had a nightmare last night that someone was going to shoot me, and it really freaked me out. I think I was actually talking in my sleep, but of course, no one was there to witness it. If I talk in my sleep and there's no one there to hear it, do I actually make a sound? Hmm.

Still making decisions that probably aren't that great, but I never did, so at least I still have a perfect record. I realized today that I don't really remember how to have fun and be silly. What happened to me? Is this how I'm going to be for the rest of my life? Serious and sad? I sure hope not. Or have I always been this way and I just didn't know it?

Anyway, you'll be surprised to know that since I've started living by myself, I actually started cooking. And I don't own a microwave, so it's the real kind of cooking--the kind that involves heat. And believe it or not, I'm actually not bad. I do burn a few things here and there (I realized that cooking sausage can be a bit tricky) and sometimes I set off the smoke alarm (mostly because there's no hood over the stove, just a vent), but I have made some things that are pretty good. It's amazing what living alone does to change a person (I also spend regular intervals cleaning this place up; my clothes aren't strewn about in random piles).

So say hello to A'ville for me. If you see Burt, tell him he's a jackass. Actually, that goes for any of the schmucks out there that dumped me. Have a good time.

In It

I saw that in the ladies' tournament, UNC is still in it. Nice job. At least one of them can last. (pun intended)

I wish I had other "positive" things to say, but I really don't. I'm sad because I don't feel attractive because no guy within my reach wants me and recently I found out that part of what's unattractive about me is who I associate with, or rather the people that are in my life, which sometimes is out of my control. Which really sucks. When did I stop being hot? I know, the glasses and the nerdiness were never working in my favor, but I'm thin and blonde and one would think that would have some sort of pull, right? So far I have been unsuccessful in making any man find me interesting enough to say, yes, let's try dating for a while. Why not? I have, however, been successful in getting a man to say let me introduce you to my date....

Seriously, am I so ugly? Why didn't you want me? I realize there are always special circumstances, but I've known you for a long time and I trust your opinion. I keep thinking there is something that must be inherently wrong with me because of my abominal track record, and I really want to know what it is. I figure if anyone can tell me, it's a trusted friend. So???

So which team are you picking? Are you even paying attention anymore?

The Questionairre

The doctor told me to get some OTC drugs. They better work, because they were expensive. She also thumped me in the stomach, claiming she was checking for tumors. I think she just wanted to hear it make that sound. she also made me fill out a questionairre that included the question "Are you satisfied with your sex life", and I didn't answer the question. They might as well have asked me how I like driving my Ferarri, because I don't have one of those either. I'm sure if I did, it would be great. P.S. Thanks for completely depressing me, doctor people. She also pointed to the other question saying, what happened there, and it felt a little strange telling her, since I have secrets I don't tell anyone, not even the pro at the club. But I told her anyway, gearing up for some sort of judgement and arguing with her about it, but she just said "how are you doing", which was almost worse, because I'm not doing all that great, but not because of her questionairre. Just because of what her questionairre means and how it gets applied to my life. It's depressing to enter a bunch of zeros in the blanks, to tell a medical professional, yes, I am a spinster, and I have been for a long time. No one wants me, so now I'm in your watch group for some sort of spinster cancer. Great. As if being the ugly chick with glasses isn't painful enough. Now I might get some deadly disease for it too. Thanks, Mother Nature, you're swell.

On a lighter note, I have the weekend off from work, with the exception of today. I'm hoping to get a lot of work done, since now there are people depending on me to get it done. And my homework includes going out, so I'll have to be creative about who and where, because I can't think of anything I want to do at the moment. I'm so much better at being a homebody. The weather here is beautiful, which is supergreat in my world. So I'll mosey on down to the beach today and veg out for as long as possible and try to forget about all the other crap that's going on. I'm hoping it will last and there are no more rainstorms in the forecast, because I am getting very tired of rain and mud.

Anyway, that's about it. I need to go shave, so you'll have to excuse me.

Hello Again

I think I am getting a sinus infection. I've never had one, but I feel pain in and under my eyes and my head and ears hurt. I've been coughing now for a month. I'm tired of it. I'm going to try to go the doctor tomorrow and get it all sorted out. Miracle of modern science and all that. I went for a walk on the beach today, and it was beautiful, but chilly. I love living so close to the beach.

My therapist thinks I'm anorexic. I tried to convince her otherwise, but I'm not sure she bought it. Maybe you should give her a call and set her straight. I love to eat, and anyone who knows me knows that. I have lots of things wrong with me, but eating disorders isn't one of them.

I wouldn't say I have March Madness, but I have been paying a little bit of attention to results. I haven't watched a whole game or anything. I too, hope Duke suffers a horrible and embarrassing loss before the finals.

I saw a movie (well, two actually). One was called Tsotsi, which won the Oscar for best foreign language film (from South Africa, in Afrikaan). If you can find it, it's worth seeing. I also saw one called Thank You For Smoking, which is a comedy about a lobbyist for big tobacco. It has some clever one-liners, and you'd probably like it. (my favorite line: "C'mon, Hiroshi, that sand's not gonna rake itself!" It's funnier in context, but I laughed) So if either one of those is playing anywhere near you, you might check it out with the wifie.

Anyway, it's time for me to hack up a lung and go to bed. Now get back to work, slacker.

Intrepid Reader

Hola, intrepid reader. I know you check every day to see what I wrote, and you are often disappointed. Sorry. Someone recently disparaged the blog, so I hastily stopped putting anything on it. Out of spite, of course. Still, I want you to have something new to read, so I decided to write something just for you.

I saw the last couple minutes of the SDSU/Indiana game, and State choked. Of course. On the bright side, they only have one senior on the team, and he's not even a starter, so things are looking good for next year. As a special note, I did notice that the warm up pants of Indiana's team (big red and white vertical stripes) is reminiscent of clown pants, and I did get a chuckle when I saw them.

I was sorry to hear that GMU got you like they did. I bet you were no fun to be around that day, and possibly the next. That's why I didn't call. But, you took the whole thing last year, and you can't win all the time. Next year. I don't know about you, but I think it would be cool if Memphis took the whole thing. Duke sucks.

Today is the first day of spring. I saw buds on the trees this morning, but it's cloudy now. I'm hoping for some beach weather this week, because I realized yesterday that I am a white girl and I was appalled. Really. I never knew.

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed your custom made blog post. I hope you and your woman are doing well and staying dry. I heard you were getting lots of rain.

Just a side note, you only have six months until my birthday, so start thinking about it so you can get me something really cool.

Lost My Voice

I'm not happy. Not surprised. Today she G called me and said I should come out and visit her in the land of ice and snow, because it's going to be 70 degrees this weekend. But they don't have beach, and I don't have $400. Or else I would. Confuse the hell out of my family. I told her she should have never left, because now I don't have anyone here to talk to or hang out with. So I'm sitting in my new chair and doing nothing. Literally doing nothing. Curled up in an old blanket, staring at the quilt on my empty bed, wondering what it's all for. Wondering if I should call the pro at the club for an emergency lesson. Wondering if I should drink all 35 bottles and slip slide away into another place. Wondering if I'm ever going to feel different. Wondering how I ever believed in forgiveness. What a joke that is. I am.

My house is clean, because I have turned into some OCD crazy person, afraid of letting the inside of the house look like the inside of me. I sweep and I scrub and I get down on my knees and then I curl up on the linoleum and cry the raspy sobs of the sick and hear no one coming for me. No one coming to pick me up and dust me off and tell me everything is going to be fine.

Sometimes I hear the ocean. I think about going there, wading out, and never coming back. But I know I can't handle the cold, and with my luck, I would just wash back up on the shore to be found by two people who never gave me a second thought. I'm starting to avoid the ocean, the place that I love, the reason I moved here, because I almost threw up on the street the other day and wanted to yell 'fuck' as loud as I could with my raw and swollen throat. But I didn't because I couldn't even breathe, which is becoming more common than you would think.

My voice is gone, rasping down to a hoarse whisper and a dry cough. It doesn't even matter, because there is no one to talk to. And I have nothing new to say anyway.