Flee

The most important part of moving forward is forgetting your past. At least it is in my world. But unfortunately, I have been cursed with a very good memory (thanks for nothin', Alcohol). So sometimes I find it difficult to move forward and move on, even though I desperately want to. Gondry may have been on to something with that Eternal Sunshine movie. How beautiful it would be to be able to excise specific people and experiences from your memory, so that you wouldn't have the slightest idea what you were missing, or what had transpired, or who had bewitched you. I would love to have some things and some people erased. I'd be first in line.

Sometimes I think that I'm older and wiser, but if I look close enough, I see that I'm making the exact mistakes I made years ago, over and over again. Mostly in the realm of relationships. Is it so difficult, to really connect with another human being and have mutual love and respect for one another? My experience would say yes. Hollywood would say no. Everyone makes it look easy. I recently finished watching season 5 of Dexter (great show, by the way), and he was lamenting the fact that he was unable to make a human connection to anyone, while other people made it look so easy. Since when do I identify with a (fictional) serial killer? What the fuck is wrong with me? It seems so unfair, to waste away waiting for someone to notice me and appreciate me. I'm not all bad. I'm intimidating, I'm opinionated, I'm forward. But I'm also generous, kind, tender, and thoughtful. I like doing things for people I care about. I like showering them with gifts, affection, or whatever. This all seems normal, so I don't know where I'm getting tripped up. Is it really that difficult to get past the other traits? The ones that make me seem like I might *actually* put someone's balls in a vise until I get what I want? The ones that make me seem like there is no room for someone else in my life except for me? My theory that I'm a nice person I often attacked. By my own ego, no less. Thanks a lot, Benedict.

Perhaps it's the analytical side of me, but it seems mathematically impossible for someone to fail at this so horribly as I have. But there it is. The evidence is irrefutable. So I have come to a sort of decision: I am going to graduate in May (hopefully). If I haven't found a boyfriend by that time, I am going to pursue this whole diplomat thing. Because what's the point of being alone if you can't at least see the world while you're doing it? Sure, there's no one in the pictures, but who fucking cares? And what else is there to do? Stay in this same town and be tortured by all the mistakes I've made for the past 8 years? I'll pass, thank you very much. So there you go. I either get someone to love me, or I flee. Fleeing seems like the easier of the two at this point.