Stomach Ache

I don't feel so good right now. My stomach hurts and I don't know why. I'm also pretty tired. I had to work super early this morning and after a nap I don't feel too great. I was going to go to a movie, but I don't feel up to it. Figures. I'm also kind of depressed about the whole Kid A situation. It's annoying that he is seeing that horseface girl who moves around like a dirty gypsy. I've been trying to distract myself with other stuff, like work, school, and coffe dates with strangers, but distractions are only temporary. Right now he's on a stage downtown with one of the best mezzo-sopranos in the world, and he's wearing a beard and a gold skirt. And when he's done with that, he'll go home with that girl that is so not as cool, pretty, or interesting as me. But I can't help being depressed about it anyway. I thought I might go out with new guy tonight, but I haven't heard from him, so it looks like it's going to be a couple of days at least.

I'm planning on watching the Oscars on Sunday, and now the big question is whether or not I'm going to be watching them alone. Last year I was alone, sitting in the dark like the depressed spinster I seem to be. I haven't been laid in too long and it's starting to stress me out.

Ugh, I feel sick.

Happenings

So the weird weekend is now over. I ended up not taking my friend to the airport, so you know what that means. It saved me a trip, so I'm pretty ok with it. She called me from the terminal. I'm assuming everything else went fine, since I haven't heard from her since then.

Coffee went well. It kind of morphed into dinner, and drinks, and he seems nice. I keep trying to shut up that inner voice that keeps telling me he's not the last guy that I still want to be with. I really don't want to ruin it with my stupidity. He has a job, which is good, and he's funny and we agree on politics. I'm not sure what else to say about him. Anyway, we'll see if there is another date scheduled any time soon.

I went to the opera last night. Samson and Delilah. It was really good. The woman singing Delilah is really top tier, and you can tell when she starts singing. She is amazing. And she makes it look so easy. The show was good too, with lots of visual stuff to pay attention to. There were dancers too (because you know how heathens and Philistines love to dance) and they had a big number towards the end that was pretty interesting. After a while, I did get a little tired of the simulated sex the dancers had. Apparently the choreographer hasn't had any in a while, so he has to make sure we all got it. I'm sure all the old Jewish people in the audience really appreciated it (and they were the bulk of the audience). I gave myself a mental pat on the back knowing that if I were in shape, I could dance like that too.

I guess that's it.

Glowing

So my friend from CO came out to visit me this weekend, and I introduced her to a guy I work with, and I haven't seen her since last night. When I finally spoke to her today, she said maybe we could meet for dinner. It looks like I have been officially ditched. I should be mad, but I'm not. It's a little weird, but the two of them have been glowing for the past couple of days, and that's a good thing. I just wish I could be glowing too.

B-Ball Game

So tonight I went to the basketball game against UNLV. I haven't been to a game since I lived in basketball land watching players the size of ants while sitting in one man's b-ball mecca. Needless to say, I was somewhat closer tonight. So here's the skinny: Brandon Heath really is good. Actually, there is a lot of talent on the team. Number 3 (sorry, I can't remember the names too well) is only a little taller than me, but he is super fast and runs around the court like some sort of acrobat. Number 4 is also really good, but I would say he is the weak link of the team because he is really overconfident. He'll shoot the ball and then fade back as if he knows it's going to go in, so when it doesn't, he's not there to rebound. He also has a tendency to move on before actually catching the ball, meaning he loses it when he really shouldn't. The team as a whole plays really fast, and UNLV just couldn't keep up or move fast enough. They also play well together and share the ball (I saw an alley-oop that was unexpected as well as amazing), and they aren't afraid to take risks when they pay off (although they don't always pay off). SDSU is also a good 3-point shooting team.

So here's the other stuff. When UNLV came into the arena, there were boos, which I think is really lame and classless. And then there was my friend. I basically had to invite myself since they didn't even bother to invite me until I said I'd like to use my free ticket for myself and come along. When I asked if she wanted to meet before the game, she said she was riding along with everyone else so I was pretty much on my own. So right before the game, I asked her where she wanted to meet me, and she said, "'we'll find each other when we get there". So when I got there, I sent a text message asking her where she was, and her reply was "in the student section". The student section is one entire end of the arena, and she didn't answer the next message asking where EXACTLY she was, so I just walked around until I found her and the five other people she came with. She barely talked to me for the whole game, and then at halftime she got me to buy her and her friend a soda (which isn't cheap at those things, and they both threw most of it away). During the game, she and her other friends were slapping high fives and she didn't ever bother to introduce me to any of them. After the game, she was talking with them outside and I was kind of hanging around, and she STILL didn't introduce me to any of them, and basically pretended I wasn't even there. Then they decided to go out and she didn't bother to invite me. She asked me where I parked, and I told her I was parked on the other side of campus. She didn't offer me a ride, which I kind of expected. Then she said she had to go because her other friends were going to leave her and she ran off.

So do I bother to tell her that she was a total jerk, or do I let it go? It's not like this is the first time this has happened. Tomorrow she's going to an anti-v-day party, and even though she told me about it, she never bothered to invite me even though she is well aware that I am single and depressed. Aren't friends supposed to include you? I'm really irritated about it, and I really don't want to keep feeling like I'm not good enough to be included or like she thinks I'm too old to hang out with her and her 23 year old friends. Anyway, I'm debating what I should do.

Happy Birthday.

p.s. do you think I'm clingy?

No Sleep

So last night I came home and tried to go to sleep and it didn't really work. I didn't get hardly any sleep last night and I kept having strange dreams so now I'm exhausted and I still don't want to go to sleep because as long as I'm awake I'm in control. I felt sick most of the day today, and didn't eat much, which is pretty much my MO when stuff like this happens. I told a friend that today was my day to feel as crappy as I want and then it's back to work. And back to concentrating on the thesis. And I've thought about the whole thing all day and made it seem like a good idea to break free and clear of the whole mess once and for all. But I know that one of my biggest (or best) issues is that I'm able to talk myself into just about anything, while most people talk themselves out of things. I know that if I can just make it through the next two weeks with some semblance of normalcy and not a lot of nuttiness, I'll be just fine.

Still, there are a whole bunch of things I really don't understand and this will be one more in an endless streak of lonely v-days where I will be sleeping alone. Again. And that's all the holidays for the last two years also and birthdays and every day in between and I don't know how much more of this I can handle. The pro at the club is not going to like this any more than I do.

So yes, my unluckiness continues, and I get older and older every day, wondering what I'm going to do when I'm forty and still alone with no future and no past. I could just disappear.

Tired

I'm so tired of my life. And I wish I had something new to say. But I don't. I'm getting old, no one loves me, I keep getting hurt by people I trust, and I'm broke. I have no skills. I have nothing going for me. Yet again, I have been ignored by a boy who has started going out with some other chick because I'm not good enough for him. And I don't know why. And he refuses to tell me because he says it won't make anything better. Maybe not for him, but I think it would help me. It won't make me feel better, but it will definitely help me to move on and get over it and stop hoping for something that is never going to happen. So go ahead, kick me while I'm down, because I really want to know why no one wants to be with me. You never told me either, by the way. No one ever does. And sometimes it doesn't matter, but sometimes it does. Like if he really wants to be friends with me, it's not going to happen if I'm always fawning over him and hoping something will happen that isn't going to. And he's never had a problem being with me in the past, so it's easy for me to get confused. I fucking hate this. I wish I were dead.

Happy Birthday

I finally got to see the stuff we shot for the movie. It looks awesome. Maybe I'll finally graduate. that's the plan anyway. In other news, happy birthday, even though I hate the holiday. If I could erase V-day, I would. I don't think I've ever had anyone for the day. That's incredibly depressing, given how old I am. So, like always I'm not happy and I'm lonely and I don't like it. Someone I know called me today and was sad that she got dumped by a guy because he doesn't like that she's a stripper. I wanted to tell her she should count her blessings. At least she knows why he doesn't want to be with her and it's something she could change if she wanted to. I don't have that option. I don't know why no one wants me and I can't change whatever it is that's wrong with me, partially because I don't know, and partially because there's nothing all that different about me. You would think I could at least get a date or two, but I can't even get that far. So I'm ditched or avoided by the boys that I know, and the only boy that wants to hang out with me is gay and takes me to places with names like "Urban Mo's" and "Lei Lounge". I also got news today that yet another friend of mine is probably going to get engaged, so I get to witness another round of all my friends getting married while I watch and stay single. This sucks. I should just shoot myself now and end my misery.