Still 2 Hands

I'm tired of seeing people kiss on tv. It's really getting annoying. I'm also tired of seeing everyone on tv getting paired up, as if only fat ugly losers who might actually be serial killers are single.

I saw a teaser for the news about how some lady robbed a chocolate store. The first thing that popped into my head was 'give the lady a break. It could have been me.'

I heard a car accident at work today. It doesn't look like anyone was hurt. Maybe I suck, but what I thought was 'there's someone who is more miserable right now than me.'

I keep thinking I should do some situps and get into some kind of shape, but then I think, 'what's the point? No one sees me naked anyway.'

I thought about moving home for longer than 5 minutes today. Yikes.

It also occurred to me that if something happened to me and I was in the hospital, I would have very few visitors. And that person that stays by your side and keeps coming every day to visit you when you're laid up, well, I don't have one. I would be laying in a hospital bed staring at the ceiling in silence.

Yes, I'm depressed. No I don't like it. I hate it. Mostly because I hate that I have to pretend to be my usual self all the time because no one knows how fucked up I am. But because I have a hard time shutting up, I end up saying things that give me away, but everyone is still too unconcerned to catch on. It's like I'm invisible. I thought about therapy again today, but then I realized that's just a waste of time. My problem isn't mental. No therapist has a magic answer for how to not want to be alone forever, because that would be unnatural. And the older I get, the more hollow their bullshit of 'just wait and see' or 'think positive' or 'work on you first' or 'it's out there' starts to sound. If there was some sort of magic bullet, I would have found it by now. But instead I keep finding people in my life that have no problem abandoning me. Some of them seem to enjoy it. I never thought I was so forgettable. But the people I get close to end up making me realize that I am just a blip on the radar. Thanks, guys.

On the upside, talk of Cuba came up at work again today. Hopefully I'll have a concrete answer in a couple of weeks. Then I'll just have to concentrate on hanging on to my hands...

7 Terrible Days

So this was the worst week I've had in a really long time. I even made an effort to let everything go. I haven't really talked to the boy since he came over the other night. I have no plans to call him. I went to the film festival pretty much every night and tried to meet new people and be the fun, witty girl, and every night I just came home feeling as alone as ever. The one night that my girlfriend wanted to hang out with me, she didn't tell me where she was until almost 11pm, when I was already home and just out of the shower. She even called me lame because I didn't want to come out. I was exhausted. This is the same girl who was too busy to help me move, to busy to even have a conversation when my brother was in the hospital, and too busy to talk to me when I had my meltdown with the boy. The same girl I've only seen twice all summer because she never has time for me. The same girl that was to busy for to see me on my birthday, even though less than 24 hours before she promised we would hang out. Part of me wants to cut ties with her, but the other part of me knows that she is the only person I have, even though she is a huge disappointment at the moment. And I'm always hoping she'll step up to the plate and be a real friend to me.

So I've spent the last seven days feeling lonelier than I've felt in years, wondering why I have no friends who want to be here for me, wondering why I can't meet any guys who aren't crazy and won't treat me like trash. Thinking there really is no one out there that will ever want to have me as a priority in their life. That I am going to be alone for my whole life. I'll be that lady with the funeral where no one shows up, because everyone in my family already died and no one else even knows who I am. And maybe I'll have that biography that talks about the sad little life I had as a cautionary tale to everyone else out there. Don't be a smart woman. Don't wear glasses. Don't enjoy sex. Don't have feelings. All of these things will doom you to a life of users and people who will ridicule you. I dare you to come up with evidence to the contrary.

And so here I am. Alone. 34. Friendless. Boyless. I have no one who will be here for me. Oh yeah, back to the boy. I've put a lot of thought into that whole situation, and realized that I'm that girl that keeps saying "Oh no, he's different from the last guy. This is totally different. He cares about me." Nevermind that he has a girlfriend that he has no intention of leaving. Nevermind that we rarely hang out in public. Here is my latest revelation: he is pretty much in the same category as the prof. One of those guys that calls me and uses me for no other reason than because he can. Because I let him. Because I think he has feelings. Because I think I matter to him. But the real truth is that if he cared about me he wouldn't treat me this way. If he really had feelings for me he wouldn't have a girlfriend. Whatever I have imagined is pure fiction. It's some fairy tale I have concocted, and all the women I talk to about it are too nice to tell me that he is using me and just wants a quick fuck when his cankled girlfriend is out of town, which is pretty much all the time. He and I don't share anything special, he has no feelings for me, and I have just been the practice girl for four years. I would love to sit him down and get his perspective on all this, but I know that he would just stare at me the way he does and say "I don't know", like that actually means something. But it's really just an act that he's been honing of the sensitive guy who has been hurt and is too verklemt to ever talk about his feelings again. I call bullshit. Nothing is not something. So I have no intention of calling him. I have no idea if he'll ever call me again. But if he does, we have to have some sort of conversation because this can't continue any longer. It's time to change.

Yes we can?

The Week

My dad's card got here before yours. I has been a very anti-climactic week. Definitely not what I expected. The film festival I worked for (the one where I gave my expert advice and they ignored me) started yesterday. People keep asking me which films are good and I don't have an answer for them. Because the answer is none of them. Seriously. I haven't seen ALL of them, but the ones I did see were terrible. I mean throw them in the trash and set it on fire so no one will accidentally watch them terrible. Plus the festival people suck because they changed their minds and decided they aren't going to pay for my parking. That means I only show my face during the free parking hours. If I can find a free spot. Fuck them. They are idiots. But that's not really the story.

So the other night, the boy calls. We talk. He says he'll call me back after he takes a shower. Ok, fine. Whatever. So he calls later. We talk. Then he says, "Alright, I'm coming over." Um, okay. So he comes over, we hang out (this is the first time I've seen him since my little meltdown), we drink some, and then yes, we did it. Not a lot of ceremony, just kind of matter-of-fact, like it was no big deal. Like nothing was really different.

Hmm. I'm out of ideas. I have no idea how to rectify the situation. It just keeps getting deeper and more complicated. One of us isn't being honest, and I don't think it's me. But I don't know if he's being dishonest to me, or to himself. If he didn't really like me, I would think he would have given me the boot a long time ago when it started being more serious and we started having 'talks'. Anyway, that's about it.

Breakdown

So I almost made it to 10. I finally broke down about 10 minutes before. I didn't even feel like having cake after that. I might eat it today. I didn't even get to use my candles that are actually just roman numerals. So instead I just drank the vodka and quietly cried myself to sleep, waiting for the 7:45 am phone call from the gas company so I can actually finally cook. Hello, 34. Nice to see you. Perhaps you will be nicer to me than 33. She was a dirty lying whore.

Anyway, that's all. Thanks for calling.

The One

Trying to organize my thoughts. I’m going to be 34 years old in 8 days. I’ve never had a relationship last longer than 9 months. I’ve never had anyone say they love me. Several of my previous boyfriends/interests have married the very next woman who came after me. I don’t have any friends my age that are single. They are all married or in long-term relationships. And then there’s me. I’m sure my mom keeps wondering why I don’t settle down with a nice boy and have some kids, but she really has no idea how much I’ve tried. It’s not like I’ve had anyone knocking down my door asking me to marry them or have their baby. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me. Or if I missed some window where there was going to be a guy that wanted to settle down and get married to me. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Luring men into have sex with me so I can feel good about myself for just a little while? One of those women who is inexplicably single well into her 50’s? The thought terrifies me. I have no desire to be single and independent for the rest of my life. I want to have kids, share a life, have someone who is always there for me. Unconditional acceptance. Trust. All that stuff.

And then there’s the boy. I had the meltdown the other night and then he calls me today like nothing ever happened. But I’ve had plenty of time to think about everything and I don’t know what to do. I have felt for a very long time that he is the one. I haven’t ever felt this way about anyone in my whole life. And I have fought it for such a long time. Basically since I met him. I’ve tried everything to get past him. I tried antagonizing him, fighting him, being angry. I tried not speaking to him. For 8 months. I tried dating other people. A lot of other people. I even tried hypnotism. I tried tricking myself into thinking he meant nothing, and we only ended up closer. So what do I do? What else is there to try?

He admitted to me that he has feelings for me. Clearly he does since he continues to talk to me after everything we’ve been through. He has just as much trouble giving me up as I do him. Which makes it even more difficult to figure out what to do. How do I give him up? The truth is that it would require me to rewire my entire life because our lives are so intertwined. We have the same friends. His mother just invited me to Thanksgiving a couple of days ago. My mother even asks about him from time to time. We do the same things. Go to the same places. I don’t think we know how to be apart. Or how to ‘just be friends’. We never have been able to do that. After four years, I doubt any of that can change. I think the only way for me to get away is to leave this town. Forever. But I can’t do that at the moment, and even if I could, I don’t have anywhere else to go. Fate has decided to torture me for just a little bit longer. Or maybe he really is the one.

Musuem

I went to the museum to see my work today. It was pretty cool. I wish some of my friends would have cared enough to be there to see it with me. But of course, everyone is too busy. So I went with an old acquaintance who has always been nice to me, and sometimes I think he might be interested in me. We had a good time. He's one of those guys that I really wish I could be attracted to him, but I'm just not. He's nice, has a great job, great family, all that stuff. The kind of guy that would give a woman whatever she wants and provide a happy and comfortable life for her. But I just don't have it for him. I think his car is one of the most expensive cars I've ever been in, and he's smart; everything. And it's not enough. How strange are we? Am I? That what I want isn't perfect, but it's still what I want. I think about all the men I know, men I've been interested in, and they're all different. I had a crush on a guy last year who was super hot, smart, nice, and even had an accent. But he's still just a substitute for the guy I actually want to be with. What's up with that? And how do I make it so that he's not the guy I want to be with? He's clearly not the guy that wants to be with me. He's just a guy that kind of likes me. And I went over the edge. I keep telling myself that I'm not a crazy person, but I still feel kind of crazy. I lost it completely, and I didn't even know that was possible. And I spent all week feeling like crap and re-thinking everything that I remember and there's nothing to do about it. I'm still alone. And I can't talk to him. I keep thinking about what I would say to him if I even had the chance. I don't know. But the point is, even though I know he doesn't want to be with me, I don't want to be with anyone else. There is no one else out there for me. I'd have found alternatives by now if that were the case. Perhaps during the 8 months of last year that I didn't speak to him and went out with a lot of other guys. None of them interested me. Not even a little bit. And the time since then has been a rollercoaster of yes and no, of angry, happy and sad, and now here I am.

Just a little aside: it still pisses me off that none of the people who are supposed to be my friends have been here for me. He is the ONLY visitor I've had to my house since I've moved.

I hate being alone. The friend thing, it's annoying. And frustrating. And it makes me very sad. Because I'm realizing that he was not only some guy that I've loved for 4 years, but he's my best friend. HE is the one who is always there when things are tough. He is the one that makes me feel better when the cards are down. And now he's gone and I'm truly alone.

This sucks.

Labor Pains

Have your ever felt like your life is falling apart? I'm guessing not. It seems like it happens all the time to me. Or at least it's happening again. I have to admit it's been a while since I've felt this out of control. This desperate. I just moved. I don't know where anything is. I still get lost going home. Mostly when I'm spacing out. School just started. I feel overwhelmed. Papers to write, lectures to go to, reading, all that stuff. I have a film series that just opened last week, and another one opening next week. It's also been very hot. And not in a good way.

But the worst was Labor Day. The boy came over, and everything was the same as usual. Same fun, same levity. Drinks. Conversation. Movies. Flirtation. Same as always. And then something happened. I was kind of drunk (ok really drunk), so I don't really know what triggered everything, but suddenly he was telling me he was going to leave (we were both in my bedroom and naked and in bed) and I freaked out and started bawling and begging him not to leave. Yes, begging. And yes, bawling. Somehow I got him to stay. I can't be sure of exactly everything we talked about, but I know I started spewing verbal vomit about everything that's been bothering me for the last few weeks (and four years). Funny thing about drinking; it doesn't prevent me from telling the absolute truth, but it does prevent me from saying things in the most elegant manner. I would have preferred to mention my thoughts to him in a much more controlled manner without the tears and the drama. And there are some things that I'm not sure if I actually said or just thought, which is troubling. But I really wish I knew what set me off from happy and laughing to blubbering like a lunatic.

And in the morning, there was some fooling around. Initiated by him. I have to admit that it's a great way to wake up, but when he starts something and then doesn't want to finish it, I can't help but be perplexed and frustrated. Especially given the events of only a few hours before. I haven't spoken to him since. He called the next day, but didn't leave a message. We had talked about going to a function together tonight, but I didn't go and didn't speak with him about it, so clearly it didn't happen. I'm guessing he went anyway, but who knows.

At this point, it's difficult to say much of anything without spiraling into self-indulgent feeling sorry for myself-ness, but I also have to face the facts. I'm getting older. I have a birthday coming up that I have no desire to celebrate. What is there to be happy about? I've only ever wanted one thing in my life; to have someone care about me as much as I care about them, to share my life with someone, and that is the only thing that I have never been able to even come close to having. I think it's fair to say that I have been fully trampled by numerous people in a way that has left me permanently damaged. I also think it's fair to say that because of my track record, chances are that I will be alone for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. I wish I could get used to the idea. But I've never liked being alone. Not even a little bit. I started making a list of people who left me for someone else or married the very next person, and the list is damning. It consists of over a dozen people who either cared nothing for me or lied outright to me about their intentions and affections. Once that is taken into account, plus my age, it is difficult to imagine that the rest of my life will be any different. I'm reaching an age where I am no longer physically desirable, and in my experience, that has been the only lure I have. Spare me the 'your personality is so great' speech. If that were enough, I wouldn't be in this predicament. I would be like most women my age: married, with kids, enjoying my life. Instead I have to spend every day alone, fighting for myself because no one else is around to help me. Not even friends.

So there's the other crux. I recently discovered I don't really have any friends anymore. I used to feel like I had people around me that would be there for me, but here I am, with all this drama, my brother recently out of the hospital ICU, and no one to talk to. Not a fucking soul. I tried desperately to talk to a friend of mine, and she has repeatedly put me off, claiming that she is 'busy'. My other friend moved to Philly, so she's pretty much out. My other friend recently had a meltdown at work and has repeatedly left me hanging, so I can't really go to her either. So now I have no one else to turn to. Being alone sucks. It appears that the boy actually WAS the best friend I had, and now I can't talk to him because I got in my own way. And I seriously doubt he is ever going to talk to me again. And he probably shouldn't, given my inherent weakness for him. The weakness that we have for each other.

I don't know what else to say. Except that this has been a very difficult week. A very lonely week. It has brought back a familiar feeling that I haven't experienced for a couple of years, but is something that I am trying very hard to fight against. I'm not a fatalist. I believe in options. But it has been very difficult to think about how to repair myself from this point on. How to still maintain the life I had and not have him in it. Avoiding him means changing the places I go, the things I do, the people I talk to. Our lives intersect, and I don't know how to change that. And I don't know how to be around him, either. I've clearly created a dilemma for myself. Or a prison. Either one. Stupid Labor Day. This wouldn't have happened if I'd been working.

Unpacking

Today I unpacked. Stuff I haven't seen in almost two years. I had forgotten about much of it. A wine glass the chef gave me. The only thing I have from him. A book given to me by the douchebag prof that I only want to get rid of. As quickly as possible. A set of martini glasses that were a gift. A book my mother gave to me. Photographs. Just random stuff.

The boy called me today, acting like everything was normal. I guess in a sense it is. Nothing changed. It's somewhat reassuring and somewhat unsettling. Unsettling because he talks like we're together. Reassuring for the same reason. Accepting my rambling. Accepting my messy house. Accepting everything. I said before, it's not just sex. It's everything. The odd need we have to talk to each other. It sounds crazy and stupid. But that's what it feels like.

That's all.

Lately

I've been thinking about writing for quite some time, but just couldn't really articulate anything without feeling like an idiot. I've given up on that. I'm tired. I need a rest. Moving took a serious toll on me, especially with the moving crew of morons who showed up at my door four and a half hours late and didn't leave my house until 11pm. School started. Budget cuts have basically turned campus into a sort of warzone, where everyone seems to be waiting for the whole place to blow up at any moment. And it's 32% more expensive now than it was a year ago. Thanks, Arnold. You douche.

Work has been incredibly stressful. One of my co-workers burst into tears at least once last week, and another announced his plans to leave for good. It really ruined my day. I like my job, but I don't know what's going to happen next. With this guy leaving, that's going to leave a lot of extra work for someone to do. I'm already stretched so thin. I'm concerned about where things are going to go from here.

And then there's the boy. His GF came to town for two weeks, and during that time he and I communicated mainly through email and text messages. Then he invited me to his birthday party, where his brother started off the evening by asking me "What are you doing here?" and he basically ignored me most of the evening except for sometimes looking over the GF's head and winking at me. I found it incredibly upsetting. Since she left on Saturday, he and I have talked almost daily. Slept together Wednesday night. He called late, asked me to come over, we both knew what was going to happen. And it did. And will most likely continue to happen. It's strange that we are completely unable to resist one another, even though neither of us likes the way it's going down. Before she came out, we seemed to be forging some sort of relationship that had a future, that would include plans. Times Square on New Year's Eve has been mentioned a few times. So has my birthday. He even mentioned New Year's in front of the GF. I assumed they were going to break up. When I went to his house the other night, I realized how much she has infiltrated his life: buying plates, sheets, decorating, and other things I won't even bother to mention, even though it gave me an odd sort of vindication. She's not leaving, or at least doesn't appear to. And she has no idea what has been going on since before she ever met him or me. All three of us seem to be up against something that is so formidable, none of us can even begin to fathom it. Three people in a mess. I know that if she knew, it would destroy her, but for some reason it doesn't stop me. Maybe because when I see her, she says the most ridiculous things, I can't even believe that he can stand to be around her for longer than 10 minutes. She is a serious moron. At first I thought it was just me being bitchy, but recently I made a concerted effort to be nice to her, and not only is she incredibly socially awkward, laughing way too loud at her own jokes that aren't funny, saying things that are inappropriate, but she also says things that are so stupid I want to slap her across the face and tell her to shut the hell up. Plus she has cankles, which I've never had, and will never have. She is not in the same league as I am. Period. I'm not being conceited. Just saying.

Anyway, I have recently become aware of my impatience with everything: I have timetables in which I want things to happen, even if I have to ramrod them through some insane process to make them happen. Or not happen. Arbitrary deadlines: I have to know what's going on by this date. That sort of thing. I'm trying to get better at being patient. But I feel like life is passing me by. And this is an area where I feel most pressured. I'm almost 34 years old and I've yet to forge that relationship that I want. Sometimes with this guy I feel like I'm almost there; so close I can taste it. And then it seems to vanish and I want it back right away. People say move on, date other people, forget about him, whatever. But it's really not that simple. I already tried all of those things. I didn't talk to him for 8 months straight. When we did reconnect, it took a while for us to get back the old feelings from before. About a month. Then he's calling me regularly, coming to my house, and then we're making out. Then the girl comes and we don't talk for 2 months. Less than a week after she leaves, it all starts over. And then we're sleeping together, like nothing is amiss. Without missing a single step. Then I told him (again) how I felt. Then his mom got sick. Which oddly brought us closer together and further apart at the same time. Then the GF came back, which I already mentioned. While she was here, he had to euthanize his horse, which meant I couldn't be there. She doesn't like horses. I'm really the only one who can really understand what he's going through, which became apparent the other night when he randomly started talking about it for about five minutes before we started messing around. None of it makes any sense. There is a connection between us, but he seems hell bent on making sure it doesn't go anywhere, but I don't know why. It's not just sex.

Anyway, it's been very difficult to find a way to relax and just go day by day, but I'm trying. It might be different if I had someone to talk to, but it seems that all my friends are too busy for me. One moved away. One went on vacation. The rest are stressed at work. Or just incommunicado. I couldn't even find a friend to help me move, despite the fact that several people made the offer to me. Nothing makes you feel so alone as much as moving. I haven't had a single visitor to the new place. The boy did come to the old place and paint it for me, which was unbelievably generous of him. Like I said, it's not just sex. It's favors and trust and sharing and just hanging out.

In a week I'm sure I will be fine. But at the moment, I just want to stay in my new house (which is nearly impossible) and not do anything or see anyone. Actually live in my place for a while and relax and forget about all the things that are stressing me out. Mainly the boy.

So there you go. I'm unhappy. But I'm hoping it will all go away in just a few days.

p.s. My brother was in the hospital last week after falling out of a golf cart and hitting his head. He was airlifted to the hospital and spent a couple of days in ICU, but it doesn't look like there's any permanent mental or physical damage and he went home earlier this week. He should be fine. Just thought I would mention it.