Hermit Cave

I had a lunch date today. He was a nice guy who was smart and good looking and he has a limp. I think I may be a shallow person. I've been depressed about it all day. I think I'm just messed up completely because nothing bad has happened to me and I feel like I've been on the verge of tears since then. I don't really know why or how to get out of it, and I have to teach my class in about 45 minutes. I feel like that's the only thing that can distract me from how completely miserable I feel. It's one of those feelings that makes it seem difficult to do anything; like a to do list with more than two things on it is a mountain of obstacles that I'll never get through. I suppose it doesn't help that I don't have any friends here to help me out because they are moving away or in boyfriendland. I've tried to think of someone (anyone!) I can call and talk to and no one is possible. The only person I really want to call is the only person I really don't (and shouldn't) want to talk to. I keep telling myself it would only make things worse and he wouldn't understand anyway. He never did. I guess no one did. No one does. Probably never will.

So this guy, he and I clicked. We were talking about college basketball and football (he's from Tennessee, went to Georgia Tech when they had a pretty good Bball team) and things were going fine and then suddenly something happened. I don't know what because it was just subtle, but maybe I froze up or something. It felt forced after that. I don't know why. It just did.

I think I'm over. Fired. Kaput.

Hermit cave, here I come. Wait, I think I'm already there.

Maintenance

I've been trying to upload a video to YouTube for the last hour. I'm starting to get pissed off that it isn't working.

The fact that I can hit the high notes is one of the reasons I don't often do karaoke. People look at me like I have an arm growing out of my ass when it starts to get up there, and it's not cool. Also, I told the guy that I refused to answer the question, that it is a question you should never ask a woman, and that it is a trick question. If you want me to tell you how long it takes me to get ready before I leave the house, I'll tell you. If you want to know when and why you should give me flowers, I'll tell you. But please, I am not a Hyundai, all women require maintenance, and any woman who believes she is "low" maintenance is seriously delusional. This blog is proof that I require a certain kind of care and feeding in order to stay happy and healthy. Plus, I'm trying to up my maintenance factor because I've been told that my easy-going personality is the reason I'm single. Because I've taken the mystery out of being female. The word on the street is that dudes love the feminine mystique. They also love to bitch about it. So without it, there's nothing to bitch about and nothing to wonder about as they fall asleep on the couch waiting for you to wash your hair and do your makeup. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. But then, I haven't been getting that much practice.

I have plans to go next week. I'm keeping a bit of a low profile this week. Plus I'm trying to pay the rent. You know how it goes.

It's been cold here lately. Well, cold for here.

I talked to a guy today about getting an MFA, which would enable me to be a real professor at some point in my life. The catch is that because of the financial cesspool we're all diving into, there's now talk about budget cuts in the near future, meaning that will be cut, meaning that I may not be teaching in the fall. I have no seniority there, so I could be very screwed. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, that's about it.

p.s. I know I'm low maintenance.

January

I'm tired of January. I'm tired of just about everything. The classes are going well so far. The wine job is pretty much out at this point. I've been sitting here thinking about how I could possibly rearrange my furniture so it would feel like I live somewhere else, but I can't think of any way to change things in this tiny place. I hate being depressed. And I hate that it keeps coming back even though I try to keep myself distracted. I've tried to fill my schedule with all sorts of things, plus all the other things I need to be doing, and every night and every morning I feel like I'm not getting any better. It sucks. I know you keep telling me stuff that's supposed to make me feel better, which I appreciate, but I'm lame and girly and can't get over it like I should. It seems ridiculous that I can't meet decent people in my life. It also seems ridiculous that I don't have any girl friends that are supportive or even want to hang out or go out. It seems that the only women I have around me are the kind that are "frenemies". It's all great and fun when they need help; I'm always there, but when I need something, they have boyfriends to hang out with and I just get a comment like "you'll be fine, just get over it". Today someone told me he'd call me when the boys get together for a beer. So now I guess I'm the guest star in some sort of guy version of Sex and the City. And none of them are cute. I never knew that after 27, I wouldn't be able to find a man to date me. I never knew that college was my last chance. I never knew there was such a thing as a last chance. But after four years in this godforsaken place, I've been in two "relationships" that were shorter than any introductory APR and more complicated than Gravity's Rainbow. I had a date last week and he asked me if I was low or high maintenance. He also tried to get me to go to karaoke with him. Not a chance. Maybe the guy I'm looking for doesn't exist. Who knew that non-lying, non-cheating guys were so hard to come by?

I don't even know how to resign myself to a lifetime of living in a small studio as an aging spinster defying stereotypes by not having any cats. Stupid feelings.

Lately

I have been super busy lately. The upside is that I have good excuses when I have to tell the people I'm "friends" with that I'm too busy to talk to them. I had a couple of dates last week. One of them asked for my phone number, but hasn't called me in almost a week. So I guess I'm not so good at the second date thing after all. Plus I've run into Mr. Perfect twice, and it fucking sucks to see him without anyone else there to protect me. It sucks to have shitty friends that don't know who you are once they get boyfriends or Tiger Woods comes to town. I did see a guy at work today that I haven't seen before, and he was pretty cute. I fucking hate how there are so many holidays for couples only from November to February. Seems kind of cruel.

Anyway, we should talk sometime. You can explain to me your work woes and tell me if I would be better with new upholstery and some velvet throw pillows. Maybe we can talk about fabric swatches.

All Out

You've been quiet lately.

I have to get this off my chest, even though you will have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm scared. I'm 32, single, and broke, and even though I keep putting myself out there, I'm scared. Scared that I'm going to fail to find someone who likes me and scared that I will succeed. I thought I'd met someone at one point in time that I was going to be able to spend the rest of my life with, and he ended up treating me like a piece of furniture. Women thousands of miles away are more attractive to him than I am. The guy I dated in the fall was the closest I've come to moving on in almost two years. And I've spent the last few weeks licking my wounds and realizing that the perfect guy doesn't believe I am even close to perfect. Only that I might look better with matching throw pillows. So I have to try to move on, which is terrifying and exciting all at the same time. It's kind of like Christmas where I get to meet someone who isn't a loser, and who really wants to meet someone for real. I know some good stuff, and then it's up to me to figure out the rest and fill in the blanks. What if he likes me? What if I like him? And actually, it's not the dating that I have problems with, it's the staying. I'm great on first and second dates, maybe even for a few weeks, but it seems that after that, the magic is gone and he loses interest. Can these guys really stay the course? Am I interesting enough to be with in the long term? Can it lead to something more serious because I am interesting? The thing is, if I do end up with something more serious, I have to really really let go of the idea of this perfect guy, which seems even more painful than knowing I have the charm of a sofa. I have a week to obsess about how I am screwed in either situation.

I fly home tomorrow for a week. Part of me is looking forward to it, since I've done nothing but hurt since I came back to town. I know it's naive to think it, but I always feel like I can leave my problems here when I go there. It never works, of course, since I always have plenty of time to think and realize how disappointed in me my parents are. It also reminds me of how few friends I have, particularly when getting to and from the airport involves someone I have to tip. Anyway, I'm hoping for an injection of enthusiasm, since I am clearly all out.

One Complaint

Dear people who live in the house next door:

You may not know this, but your window faces right into my window. I respect that you have a very colorful culture that includes a smorgasbord of charming accordion music, colorful clothes, and extra facial hair in the womenfolk. I also respect that you love your music and want to play it every Saturday as loud as your little boom box can manage. However, I drank something last night called dopamine, and my stomach has not been the same since. I haven't slept more than 45 minutes, haven't eaten so much as a cracker, and I am desperately trying to get some rest. Your polka playing is not helping. If you want me to listen to it, invite me over. Don't force it on me through your kitchen window. My stomach will thank you.

Love,

The depressed girl next door

The Prelim Results

I had an interview this morning at a frou-frou grocery store for a wine "specialist" position. It's here in La Jolla, so a major perk is that I would be able to walk to work. It sounds like there is a weird schedule that includes some weekends, but I'm not that worried about it. There would be a couple of evenings that would go until around 7 or 8, but that would be for wine tastings, so no big deal. The guy I talked to sounded like he wanted to hire me, so maybe there's hope. He said I would have to talk to another guy from the corporate office and take a drug test (uh-oh) and that would be about it. He said he would call me on Wednesday and let me know what's up.

Still practicing the having no feelings thing. It's weird to go to an interview and pretend that everything is super great and then feel like total crap the second I walk out the door. Oh well; what are you gonna do?

Just kidding about the drug test.

Wingman-less

So I'm home and it's before midnight. I seriously need some single girl friends. I could have really used a wing man, but alas, I was flying solo and without a net. Lots of pretty people were there and the alcohol was free and I thought I looked cute and before I knew it, the sister in law of the dude who most recently trampled my heart was waving to me. If it was him, I could've been bitchy, but she is nice and I like her and there was nothing I could do. I was sucked into the black hole of the dude who doesn't give a shit about me, and there seemed to be nothing I could do about it because I didn't have anyone to pull me out. I'm sitting here typing this, and I really want to cry; I can feel the tears back there somewhere, but I'm trying to practice keeping my feelings on the inside, so keeping them back is crucial at this point.

I did, for the record, talk to a few people, but there were no phone numbers exchanged, so it was essentially a dud. The last guy I talked to was this guy who was a cuter version of Adrian Brody, and I really wanted to hang with him, but I was out of energy and he wasn't asking for digits, so I was pretty much foiled. His name was Steven. Ironic, don't you think? That's what I thought as I shook his hand. I could have gone to whatever bar they were going to afterwards, but I'm tired, lonely, and not in a position to spend money at a downtown bar. I also need to get some rest for the interview tomorrow.

I feel like there is no hope for me. I am 32 years old, and have no prospects. I have no single friends. I am the kid who is picked last for the team because I can't rebound or shoot or even dribble. I am nothing. I have no help, no support, and worst of all, no hope. I have no one giving me any helpful hints, or introducing me to their single dude friends, or even attempting to help me to not suck.

I also have a huge scratch on the inside of my arm by my elbow, and I don't remember how I got it. I think I may have scratched myself with my car key when I was trying to cut the bracelet off my wrist. That's the only sharp object I was near all night. It hurts. Still, it would be worth it if I didn't feel like such a loser. And if I didn't feel so ugly. It seems like no dress or amount of makeup can make me look like I'm worthwhile. I'm ugly. I'm old. I'm broke. And there's no one around to make me feel better about any of it.

Surprises

So Hillary came to SD and is supposedly going to some random house to give a short speech and then get on the horn to local voters. It's times like this that I wish I hand a land line so she could call me. I have some questions for her. 1. Why am I still unemployed and what are you going to do about it?

Anyway, it's weird that she's here. The house is tiny and in a suburb where I would never want to live. But obviously that's just me.

I have an interview tomorrow morning. I'll tell you about it after it happens.

I want to go out tonight to start trolling for a boyfriend and it looks like I am going to have to go alone since Ginger is completely unable to spend an evening away from her lame ass boyfriend. She got mad when I called her on it, and said I was "ganging" up on her. I also reminded her that she called me a bitch the last time I didn't want to hang out with her, and she pretty much freaked out. I felt that since she has not deemed it necessary to spend a Friday or Saturday night with me since last April, it was high time to call her on her bullshit. But of course, in this situation no one wins, because she's mad, is still clinging to the boy, and I have to go out by myself. Again. I couldn't even bribe her with a fashion show and free alcohol. She sucks. That's all I have to say.

Lists

Last night I couldn't sleep so I started doing what I do best: make a bunch of lists. One of them details the amount of money I owe, save, and earn every month. I'd like to get my credit card debt under $5k, but when I didn't math, that would be a $400 a month payment. That may not be possible. I also made a list of cool stuff I'd like to have, like a new TV, and that list was surprisingly short. It was only about 5 things, but they total about seven grand. I also made a list of general goals for the year, fiscal, professional, and social. You can probably guess what most of them are. That was the longest list. Big surprise. Then I made a list of things I can do on a daily basis to make those things happen. Talk to me in a month and see if I'm doing any of them. The last list was ways to save money. I was surprised to realize I couldn't think of very many things. Spend less and not go shopping were the two big ones. Stupid. I even Googled ways to save money, and realized I already do most of them. I don't buy bottled water, shop around for gas, try to lump my errands together, shop at discount stores, etc. And most of the others had things I have no control over, like installing energy efficient windows and a new water heater or taking shorter showers. One said to get a roommate, but I'm not moving, and my sanity is more important and how would I every get a BF if I have some lame roommate? If you have any ideas, feel free to share.

I'm really just crossing my fingers that I'll be getting a serious job in the near future.

Sports and Politics: Americas Two Favorite Pastimes

I made a point to watch Sports Center so I could see the highlights of the game. OH. MY. GOD. Man that kid is huge. Imagine how interesting the game would be if it was just him vs. a bunch of midgets. Wait--that's kind of what it looked like anyway. I think it would be awesome if I could come out next year and see the game in person. Don't you think that would be cool? We'll have to keep an eye on the 2009 schedule. I'm sure you could get tickets, right? Hey, he leads the league in blocks and only has to stand on his tip toes in order to dunk. Weird. One doesn't often get the opportunity to see something like that. Eh?

On another note, I took an interesting quiz about which candidate is for me, and some guy I've never heard of (Kucinich?) was the top choice. Hilary was #2 (huh, huh), Edwards was #4, some no-name was #5, and Obama was #6. I'm not that surprised. However, I was surprised that every single one of them disagrees with me about the death penalty. Since when did killing people become cool? Oddly enough, that psycho Ron Paul agrees with me on the killing thing. That kind of gives me the creeps. The thing also said they don't agree with me on education. I put that teachers should make more money, No Child Left Behind should be scrapped, and vouchers suck. I didn't think those were such radical ideas. Unfortunately, the test didn't say what their ideas on education were, just what they weren't. Actually, there's a lot of stuff in the test that I'm not super opinionated about, and something called SCHIP that I've never even heard of. Oh well. Politics as usual, right?

Score

I just saw the score. I have to say, it was a lot closer than I thought it would be. You better watch out next year.

Job

So I applied for three jobs today. One was for a wine specialist at a frou-frou grocery store, one was for an A/V person for a company that does custom lighting for shows, and one was for a receptionist at an exotic car dealership here in town. I don't know which cars it is, but there's a Ferrari dealership two blocks away, and a Rolls Royce dealership two blocks the other way. They sell other cars too, but you get the idea. That job doesn't pay too much, but I figure if I played my cards right, I might find myself a sugar daddy. Or two. And maybe get to go for an exciting test drive. Maybe not.

The A/V job is an entry level kind of thing, which is kind of weird when you think about how much education I have. Oh well. It would be a start.

The grocery store is also a strange one. It would pay really well, and it's about four or five blocks from my house, which means I would save on gas and so forth. Which means the pay is actually higher since I wouldn't have to put gas in my car every week. It would also be about wine, which of course I love. However, it said something about merchandising experience, which I don't have. I'm sure advertising wine is super tough in a gourmet grocery store that has its own valet parking (I'm not sure if it does, but I do know that I can't afford to shop there).

Tomorrow I'm going to call about an editing (video) job I saw. I couldn't find the link on their website, so I don't have a choice. I hate calling. It makes me feel like such a high schooler. It's only part time. It probably pays crappy, but it would be experience in my field and it would be better than nothing.

Anyway, that's the job stuff. Not that interesting, but since I'm trying to get my debt under control this year (a RESOLUTION, if you will), a job is a huge part of that.

Research

I got to thinking tonight that I must be getting old. I'm excited about medical and retirement benefits. When did I become that person? I guess maybe my parents finally nailed it into my head that life isn't worth living without a $15 co-pay and a company matching 401k. And it all kicks in come March. It's not even a career, (yet) but it's still a start.

I also started thinking about the wreckage of my life's relationships, and finding the issue is such a downer. One hypothesis I have is that guys don't think of me as the type of woman who becomes a girlfriend. I don't really know why. Perhaps you might have some thoughts on the matter, since you're one of them. I have several reasons why they might not see me as in it for the long haul, such as the fact that I'm fairly spontaneous, which could translate to not able to commit. I don't have a serious job (although I have sweet health care now), which could translate as unstable. I have a sense of humor, which could translate as kind of lesbo, asexual, or manly. I'm relatively intelligent, which could translate as manipulative, bossy, or domineering. I like sex, which could translate as slutty. Or kinky. Take your pick. I tend to say what I feel, which could translate as clingy or just plain crazy. I don't talk about how much I love kids, or how much I want to get married, settle down, buy a house, and so on. That doesn't mean I don't want those things. It just seems kind of silly to talk about it when it's not a real possibility. And I always thought guys don't like it when you talk about those things because it makes you seem kind of crazy. Maybe that's the reason guys only want you when you're already in a relationship. Because that's the only way they know you are relationship material. And since I'm not often in what I would call bonafide relationships, few people ever really get to see me that way. So could it be that the only way to get a boyfriend is to get a boyfriend? How long would I have to keep said boyfriend? Is it just a more primal version of social climbing?

I know women who are never single, they just jump from one relationship to the next. I've never been able to understand that. It almost requires some form of cheating, which I've never been on board with. I have a friend who is nuts and she still manages to have guys fawning over her on a regular basis. Guys that meet her once and are suddenly in love and know they are destined to be together. I'd like to know what her secret is. I've seen her with dudes and she acts way dumber than she is and plays with her hair a lot and finds ways to touch them. Maybe I just come off as bitchy. But I guess that wouldn't count for guys that actually know me, even though they still would rather have some incredibly boring and less hot girl than me. And they usually marry the very next one, so I must be triggering something.

I'll be doing some research in this area as soon as I am well and have a paycheck to spend in some trendy bar.

Duel

So I noticed that my alma mater and your alma mater are dueling tomorrow. I'm always a sucker for the underdog, and sorry, but I still am. Maybe those kids will ruin your perfect season. Who knows?

I found out today that the school gives amazing benefits. I figured they were pretty good, but I don't have to pay for anything. I did feel a little weird when they started talking about retirement and spouses and children and all that stuff. I hate feeling like I'm the only person that has no life at all. Basically, half that stuff doesn't apply to me because there's no one else in my life. That's depressing. Not that it isn't depressing all on its own.

Same

I'm feeling better this morning. I'm hoping to escape the terrible cough that usually accompanies these things. It looks like it's finally stopped raining, even though it's still cloudy. I may go for a walk later, to try and stretch my back. It is really sore from laying in bed all week. I'm watching a guy eat breakfast on tv and it looks really good. Wish I had some eggs.

Tomorrow I go to a benefits orientation at the school. I'm looking forward to being able to go to a doctor if I want to. Maybe even get some new glasses. They don't kick in until March, which is unfortunate. It has something to do with the pay periods and so forth.

Wow this is really boring. I'm sorry. I don't have anything to do and I haven't felt up to leaving the house, so I don't have anything new to report. It's all pretty much the same as always. Still depressed. Still hate my lame job. All the same.

Rain and so forth

You never called back. You're just like all the rest! Ha ha.

Anyway, it's still raining like crazy out here. I kind of like it for some strange reason. Maybe because it fits my mood. I'm feeling better than I was, which means that I'm going to have to go to the grocery store so that I'll have something to eat when my appetite returns. I think I'm turning into a boring person. Going to the movies is a big deal for me. Course, I'm left on my own most of the time, so I don't have the benefit of friends to go out with. I'm left to fly solo because the only girl friend I have can't tear herself away from the jerk she's currently dating long enough for us to do anything. Plus she doesn't do anything "cultural". She won't even go to the museum, not even if I promise there will be booze there. The other people I know are either dudes who don't like to call me for some strange reason (I'm not that fucking bad) or they are gay or it's the girl who can't spare a Saturday night for her single homegirl, who is quickly becoming a spinster. This from the girl who meets a guy one day, makes out with him, and months later (after they haven't seen each other even once) he is sending her pictures of his wang on his cell phone and professing his undying love for her and how he knows they're meant for one another. I told her she needs to tell me her secret. In between douchebags, it would be nice if there was just one guy who thought I was something special. Even if it is a little nuts.

So anyway, I'm trying to make up my mind to be somewhat productive for the rest of my break, but it's kind of difficult to get going on anything. Part of the reason I'm turning into a boring person. I'm going to read a bunch of stuff about wine tonight, just in case I get an interview with the job I didn't get a chance to tell you about. I would love to have a job. That would be cool.

Anyway, that's about it for now.

Orange Juice

Last night I spilled orange juice on my bed. Of course it went everywhere. I had to change all the sheets on my bed and the duvet cover, and wipe up the floor and my nightstand. This morning I had to wipe off my purse, which was disgustingly sticky. I've been wanting to go out and do something to try to allay my despondency, but being sick kind of makes that difficult. It's not ever a good time to be sick, but this is definitely one of them. I'm already depressed; getting sick is just salt in the wound. I'm looking forward to getting over it though. Getting over everything. For my New Year's Resolution, I have considered not having feelings anymore. I've been told in the past that I'm difficult to read and I keep everything inside, but clearly that isn't the case anymore. Having feelings tends to be a liability more than anything else. That's lame. I know it sounds stupid, but that's how I roll. I say lots of stupid stuff.

I just saw some kind of pie on tv and it looked tasty. I must be feeling better. This morning I tried to eat eggs and didn't get very far. My taste buds said no. I ate potatoes instead. I still don't have much of an appetite, but I think it's slowly coming back. I think I may have lost those five pounds I've been wanting to get rid of, but I'm sure they'll come back as soon as I feel better. Anyway, that's about it.

Disease

I still have not had a conversation with anyone this year. At least not in person. How pathetic is that?

Anyway, I finally succumbed to a disease. I think I got it from my brother, who was coughing the entire time I was at home. Yes, he still lives with my parents. He is almost 30. And I'm the one that feels like a failure. Whatever. Anyway, my back hurts and my cheeks hurt (sinus pressure, I imagine). I sneeze about every 20 minutes and I fall asleep at random. I have no appetite (although depression may have something to do with that) and last night I was sweating something ridiculous. My eyes hurt too (again, sinus pressure).

I'm supposed to work tonight. I'm debating whether or not to call in sick. I could probably work, but it wouldn't be fun for anyone, and there's the chance that I'll just spread it around like everyone else does. I really need the money, but with my back hurting, just thinking about work makes it hurt more. I hate that place. Worst. Job. Ever.

That's all. I'm having a hard time concentrating because my teeth hurt.

Next year

I still haven't talked to a single person this year. At least not a conversation. And not with anyone I know. Canada guy is the last person I chatted with. He was most likely gay. Anyway, in light of my pathetically depressing life, I have decided that next year I need to go somewhere for New Year's. I don't really care where, as long as I have some sort of plan. Interested? I was thinking maybe Paris or Hawaii or Australia. Somewhere far far away where it's ok if I don't know anyone because I had to fly over lots of water to get there.

All I know is that I'm tired of feeling old and alone. I'm starting to realize that my parents think I'm a failure because my degree was nothing more than some sort of formality for a "hobby" I have. They really just want grandkids and to see someone provide for me. I can't help thinking the same thing. Where did I screw up? I thought being educated was a good thing to do, but it hasn't gotten me anything. Not even employed. I guess that when I was younger I just assumed that through the natural course of life, if you weren't some sort of weirdo or loser, you would find the person you would spend the rest of your life with, and everything would just happen. Maybe I am some sort of weirdo or loser and I just don't know it. I can't imagine what I do that keeps me alone all the time. People I know are confounded too. They try to set me up and it never works out. I'm starting to resign myself to the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. It's almost half over now. I wish I didn't know what it felt like to not be alone. Then I wouldn't know what I'm missing.

This is so pathetic. One would think that there would be someone out there for me and I wouldn't have to struggle so hard to find him. One would also think that I'm smart enough to feel happy without having someone there. That I'm educated and independent enough to not whine like this.

I can't help it. When I wake up I want someone there to say good morning. I want to come home and have someone here watching tv. I want to use words like us and we instead of I and me. I guess that's it.