OMG

OMG Denver made it. Unbelievable.

So I'm trying to figure out how to go to Prague over the summer for a visit. I only have to come up with airfare. The hot Czech said I could stay at his house. I happened to run into him yesterday, and I suggested he come out with some of us, since I may be somewhere else next semester. He said, "Where would you go?" I said, "Paris." And he said, "Then I'll be in Paris."

Kind of weird. But not in a creepy way. Just odd since I don't know what that is supposed to mean. Does it mean he would come and visit? That he wants to follow me to the ends of the earth? Or just a glib comment that doesn't mean anything? Or did I just not accurately hear what he said because of the hot foreign accent? I was actually just planning on getting him to come out with us so I could get him drunk and take advantage of him. Pretty simple, really.

Went on a date yesterday. I guess the sure way to tell that I'm not into someone is if I start flirting with the waiter. I didn't even consciously do it. I just opened my mouth and suddenly I was batting my eyes and tilting my head in that sassy way that I do. And I didn't stop when I realized the waiter was gay. Not that is was a terrible date, just someone I'm not that into. We have little to nothing in common. But he did bring me chocolate, which was weird and nice all at the same time. Still, not attracted to him. I think I would crush him with my personality. Plus, he thought Transformers was a great movie, so that's a pretty big strike. Anyone who defends Michael Bay is toeing the dealbreaker line with me.

Anyway, I got excited about some news today. A video I edited is going to be shown to lots of people, and suddenly, it's kind of a big deal. I can tell you more if or when I ever talk to you.

An Open Letter

Dear Jerkface,

How lovely it is that you haven't talked to me in a month. No, really. I don't have to listen to you lie anymore. I still have your stuff, and I tried to give it back to you, but you were conveniently 'busy'. With the girl that is only your girlfriend when you can see her. Otherwise you don't even remember her name. About your stuff, I'm either keeping it, or I might throw it off a cliff into the ocean. You would deserve either. No, I'm not mad. I'm just done with you and your drama.

I have recently discovered that the more I know about you, the less I respect you. Not like, respect. I learn more about how terribly you treat people, particularly women, and I realize that it is systematic behavior, not just isolated incidents. It makes me feel better that you don't reserve your douchebaggy-ness for just me, but at the same time, I'm angry that I let so much slide. Especially now that you have a tendency to really be a jerk. You were so much nicer when you were sad all the time. Now that you're always angry, you're just an asshole. For no reason, and to people who don't deserve it. Basically, you suck. I also recently found out that all those trips you take to see your 'girlfriend' are financed by her, and the trip to Europe the two of you took last year was financed by her parents. Wow, you're a real class act. Way to keep them in the loop. (Dear At My Convenience Girlfriend and her Parents: I'm just using you for sex and free travel. I have no plans to ever marry you because I am a fucked up individual and I cheat on you every chance I get. Love, Jerkface. p.s. Thanks for all the Frequent Flyer Miles.)

Anyway, today I had a stunning realization. I am too good for you. I'm hotter than you, smarter than you, cooler than you. I'm way more fabulous that you are. I may not have more money, but I will soon because you have zero ambition. You just want to leech off the girl as long as she'll let you. And since she can't do better, that could be for a very long time. Oh yeah, and I know how to tell the truth. You are a coward. You are a liar. No one likes you because you make drama and blame everyone else for your problems. Your own friends don't like you. It's true. They told me. Which is really funny, because all your friends (and your family) like me. They ask me to do stuff. They circumvent you to talk to me. Most of them have my phone number.

I used to feel pity for you, but now that you have dug your hole so deep, I can't even see you anymore. No one can. Sometimes we hear you yelling, but you're usually swearing, so we ignore you. It's time to man up, Jerkface. Seriously. DO something with yourself. It's time to grow a pair and move on and stop acting like you're some sort of victim. You're not. You're probably the most culpable person I know (you actually remind me of someone I know you hate). I'm not going to indulge your idiocy any more.

Do I hate you? No. I'm just finished with you. Finished with your lies, your manipulation, your hatefulness, and your drama. If you see me out somewhere, you don't need to say hello. You will most likely be intimidated by my date anyway. We will both be out of your league. You can crawl back to horse-face man-lady and pretend that's what you always wanted because you knew you would never care about her enough for her to ever hurt you. Way to go. Have fun with that.

Cheers-
Awake Me

P.S. Thanks for reminding me how awesome you aren't.

Reading

So I started reading a book about thinking positive. How it can change your life, how it help you achieve your goals, find love, success, and so on. I figured, hey why not. I'll give it a try and see what happens. I'm smart. I used to be an athlete. I know how the right mind set can affect things. Maybe it can work. So I started reading, and I started keeping a journal and started thinking about the things I really want in life, blah blah blah. But here's the rub: it's really difficult to do things on your own. Which I guess is the point, but I get tired. And never having expectations or hopes is so much easier. It's easier to bitch about stuff. To be annoyed and irritated. I don't know if you realize what a huge shift in thinking this is for me. But like I said, it's difficult to do alone. Which I've been my whole life. I think of how it has basically been pounded into me my entire life that I can't or shouldn't expect anything special to ever happen in my life. That I have no right to think there is something better, or that someone will ever want that. It's a terrible habit that has been enforced mostly by my parents. They never understood me, still don't, and I really think my father is convinced that the only life that will be 'successful' is if I find someone to take care of me financially. He believes that I will never amount to anything more than what I am now. Which to him is not that great. My mom doesn't get me either, but at least she makes awkward attempts at being supportive. Usually it ends up with 'when are you going to settle down', which only exacerbates the situation. But anyway, back to the subject. I wish I had more cheerleaders. I fully understand that what I want out of my life is something that most people think is impossible, but that's just how it is. Whatever. I'm done bitching.

For Now

Sometimes facebook has unexpected results. I just saw a picture of a friend of mine since high school. She's apparently in a relationship with the high school jock, who ha s since become fat and bald. Say it isn't so! She's still pretty and thin after two kids and a divorce. I may be single, but at least I haven't settled. I'm not stuck. I don't have to worry about anyone else.

Today I had a conversation with someone who clearly doesn't remember what it's like to not have to provide. He talked about responsibility, about making a living, about making compromises. All of that is stuff I pretty much don't have to worry about. Yes, I get lonely. Yes, I wish I had someone to wake up to every morning. Yes, I wish I had a confidant. But I only have to do my own thing. I don't have to think about anyone else. I am free. It's actually a good thing, most of the time. Or at least for now.

Are you Experienced?

It's Wednesday night. I'm finishing off some Pinot Noir, thinking about going out this weekend. I'm looking for single girlfriends who will go out with me and have fun. I realized yesterday that the women who I'm closest to are my complete opposite. They like to stay home. Three of them have boyfriends/husbands. One of them has a kid (but she was a homebody before that). She also doesn't drink. The single one also doesn't drink. At least not with me. Even though she claims to want to know stuff about wine. News flash: you have to experience it to know about it. But here's the most shocking thing about these women: they are sexually inexperienced. One was a virgin when she got married. Another says she has 'slipped' a couple of times, but is basically waiting to get married. Another has never been with anyone but her boyfriend of 6 years. And he's only been with her. And another can count all of her sexual partners on one hand.

And then there's me.

I'm not sure I would even remember all of them. Or some that I remember, but their names escape me. I feel like some sort of freak. Is this why I'm single? Because I don't hold out and make them fantasize about what's ahead? I wonder what kind of sex these women have. Is it good? I remember when I was inexperienced. I had no idea what good sex was. It is possible that they have good sex? I also remember not being completely comfortable with my sexual self for many many years. These women are basically tethered to the person they'll probably be spending the majority of their lives with. Are they sexually comfortable? Confident? Satisfied?

I have noticed that I am significantly more flamboyant and extroverted than all of these women. Is there a connection? I dress differently than they do, willingly attract attention to myself, speak my mind. They generally don't. They seem to admire it in me, though. I make them laugh (except for one, who has no sense of humor). They seem to like hanging out with me, when they can tear themselves away from their boys. So that's why I'm left alone all the time. They have found some sort of secret potion to make guys stick with them while I am fabulously alone. With all my short skirts and sexy shoes that have clearly gotten me nowhere.

But at least I know what great sex feels like.

Sex Appeal

So I'm watching this show about sex appeal and there's all these scientific studies to prove and explain things, but they haven't gotten to the biggest mystery of all: Why are men such retards?

Stat

I need some new friends. Ones that are single and like to go out. Stat.

break

My break is almost over. It doesn't really feel like I've had one. I feel like I need about two more weeks of doing little to nothing before I can find inspiration again. Or at least something. I briefly left the house today and it felt great. I want to stay home more. Or at least I'd like to meet some new friends that like to go out and do things. I always know of stuff to do; I just need someone to do stuff with. I always have room for stuff to do.

I'm a hot girl. I'm smart. Funny. Sexy. Why am I single? This is a crime against nature. Seriously. Why should anything this great go to waste? Stupid idiot boys, that's how. and there's no way for me to stop it. It's like a huge tidal wave and all you can do it just watch it engulf you. Argh.

Reboot

I haven't had any time, even though it's my break. Tomorrow I'm not working. I have to do a bunch of stuff. Paying bills and the like. I haven't written anything. I'm going to put it on the docket for tomorrow, but we'll see how it goes. I'm becoming addicted to facebook, even though I don't write everything like some people do. It's my replacement for actual friends, I guess.

I spoke briefly with the boy today, and he suggested I meet him at a museum event tomorrow night. I quickly declined, noting that I have no desire to hang out with 'the collective you'. He got it, but I don't know why he would even ask. What makes him think I would be cool with hanging out with him and his girlfriend. And how stupid must he be, that once I start drinking alcohol, there's really no telling what's going to happen. There's a very real possibility that I might say something that cannot be redacted. Maybe that's what he wants. What an idiot. No cajones at all. So I said I'd throw his stuff I borrowed in the trunk of my car. He can get them when he gets some time. Or maybe I'll just dump them on his doorstep. I fucking hate dudes. They suck.

I looked at jobs today. It still looks like I'm only qualified to wait tables. Which really blows. Pray I get the Paris fellowship. It's going to make me a superstar. Or at least one that more people have heard of. Something should come along. Once you take that first step backwards, it's ten times harder to get back to where you started.

On the upside, I got a new t-shirt yesterday. It says director/producer on it. I know, it sounds dorky, but it's actually pretty cool. Especially since it fits me like a shirt should.

On the downside, my friends here suck. This has not been such a good week for me, and not one of them has been around for me. Not even my roommate, who gave me a card that said "I'm here for you" and some sunflowers, then went in her room and shut the door. Yeah, you are really here for me. So much you don't even have to be here. I asked about four different people to hang out with me tomorrow and not one of them was able to. And these are all people who always say 'we should hang out', 'let's get together', and so forth. So it looks like having friends means that you'll always be alone. Not that I'm all that surprised. It's not the first time. Sometimes I wish I still lived alone. At least then my plates and glasses wouldn't always be broken. Seriously, in the entire time I lived alone, I never broke a single thing. In less than a year, my roommate has broken a discontinued dish and two crystal wine glasses. They were a gift. I know she doesn't do it on purpose, but I like having nice things, not the plastic ware she always has. I've also noticed that she keeps using my new knives to cut her food, which is fine, except that she uses a plate instead of a cutting board. Not a huge deal, but plates aren't going to keep the blades sharp. Sometimes she is just clueless about how the rest of the world does things. Anyway, moving on.

Tomorrow is my chance to catch up and reboot.