Not Happy
I can't believe it's time for another holiday season. Please, someone hang me by my fingernails or tie me to the rack or waterboard me or something. Any of those would be more fun than holidays. It occurred to me today that I'm going to have to tell my mom that I'm not coming home for x-mas, only because I really don't want to. It was nothing short of miserable last year, so I really have no desire to go back there. But of course, I'll most likely tell her it's because of work.
I'm going to Austin next week to visit some friends that I haven't seen in years, but that's about the only thing I have to look forward to. I've been fighting being depressed for some time now, and it's really a losing battle. It seems like for every happy thing in my life, there are 4 or 5 not so happy things. And then there's my predisposition for analyzing things to the point where there's nothing good about anything anywhere or anytime.
And then I come across an article that basically says that it would be nearly impossible for me to have a kid at my age. Fucking great. Not only am I alone, spurned, shunned, dumped, and generally unwanted (unless you are married, of course), but I'm also barren. I spent most of the day despondent after reading that. I almost called my mom and told her I was sorry that I couldn't give her grandkids, or asking her if she would mind if I decided to just have a kid 'accidentally'. But then, I'm already too old for that stuff. Apparently, being irresponsible pays off. Or having giant tits. Both things I never did or had. So I'm doubly screwed.
Being alone is seriously horrible. I find it difficult to convey to people what it's like, because no one really can understand what it's like to go solo for such a long time. I'm going on 36 or so years. Most people say 'oh, I was single for a year so I understand', but really, they don't. A year would be easy. Fucking child's play. You had to go somewhere without your plus 1 a few times? I've NEVER had a plus one, so go fuck yourself. I've never come home to someone who is happy to see me, to a home cooked meal, to anything at all except an empty house, and I'm so tired of it. I really want some help, some support, some affection. The real kind. Not sex. The affection that makes someone want to watch tv and hold me, or say something nice to me, or do something nice for me, or really treat me like I matter at all.
I guess that is what is the most difficult. No one treats me like I matter. I'm always a low priority, if I'm even on the list. Most of the time I don't even register as a blip on the radar. And then some asshole has the nerve to tell me how great I am, how I just have to be patient, how there is someone out there for me, how I can't give up, how whoever I may be spending time with isn't good enough, and so on. And then they go home to their boyfriend or husband and forget all about me. Which is never a surprise, but it still hurts. At this point, having feelings is really a liability. I want them to go away. There is no point in having them, since they never bring me anything good. Fuck this life. It's so screwed up and I don't think it will ever fix itself. I've tried everything from hypnotherapy to psychotherapy to a psychic, and they all end up the same way. with nothing new, nothing gained. So fuck it. Fuck everything. Fuck everyone. I hate you all. Fuck you.
I'm going to Austin next week to visit some friends that I haven't seen in years, but that's about the only thing I have to look forward to. I've been fighting being depressed for some time now, and it's really a losing battle. It seems like for every happy thing in my life, there are 4 or 5 not so happy things. And then there's my predisposition for analyzing things to the point where there's nothing good about anything anywhere or anytime.
And then I come across an article that basically says that it would be nearly impossible for me to have a kid at my age. Fucking great. Not only am I alone, spurned, shunned, dumped, and generally unwanted (unless you are married, of course), but I'm also barren. I spent most of the day despondent after reading that. I almost called my mom and told her I was sorry that I couldn't give her grandkids, or asking her if she would mind if I decided to just have a kid 'accidentally'. But then, I'm already too old for that stuff. Apparently, being irresponsible pays off. Or having giant tits. Both things I never did or had. So I'm doubly screwed.
Being alone is seriously horrible. I find it difficult to convey to people what it's like, because no one really can understand what it's like to go solo for such a long time. I'm going on 36 or so years. Most people say 'oh, I was single for a year so I understand', but really, they don't. A year would be easy. Fucking child's play. You had to go somewhere without your plus 1 a few times? I've NEVER had a plus one, so go fuck yourself. I've never come home to someone who is happy to see me, to a home cooked meal, to anything at all except an empty house, and I'm so tired of it. I really want some help, some support, some affection. The real kind. Not sex. The affection that makes someone want to watch tv and hold me, or say something nice to me, or do something nice for me, or really treat me like I matter at all.
I guess that is what is the most difficult. No one treats me like I matter. I'm always a low priority, if I'm even on the list. Most of the time I don't even register as a blip on the radar. And then some asshole has the nerve to tell me how great I am, how I just have to be patient, how there is someone out there for me, how I can't give up, how whoever I may be spending time with isn't good enough, and so on. And then they go home to their boyfriend or husband and forget all about me. Which is never a surprise, but it still hurts. At this point, having feelings is really a liability. I want them to go away. There is no point in having them, since they never bring me anything good. Fuck this life. It's so screwed up and I don't think it will ever fix itself. I've tried everything from hypnotherapy to psychotherapy to a psychic, and they all end up the same way. with nothing new, nothing gained. So fuck it. Fuck everything. Fuck everyone. I hate you all. Fuck you.
posted by Ocean | 10:15 PM
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