One of the things I always lament about my life here in SoCal is that I don't have any friends that are so super close that I can tell them anything. I asked my roommate today if she wanted to have a glass of wine today to celebrate my return to spinsterhood, and her response was "No, I'm okay." As if that means anything. Here is the subtext: Hey, I'm depressed. Come and commiserate with me. No, I don't give a crap about you.

So there you go.

Right now I'm wearing a lace bra and the sexiest lace thong I own and it's all going to waste. I can't think of a single person who would take advantage of the situation. I know there was a time in my life when all I needed was a phone call and I would get whatever I wanted.

I'm getting older. I've never has a long term relationship. I have a string of old "acquaintances" who admit to me that they wish they would have been nicer to me, had hung on to me, etc. Enough to make a pattern. I'm starting to think I might be one of those people that will be forever alone. I'm old enough to start considering that as an option. If only I had enough money to start hiring people. All that aside, it really does feel serious. The kind of serious that ends up with me in a house with a bunch of cats and a litany of guys wishing they hadn't dropped the ball and telling me how clingy I am.

Clingy? Really?

I don't even know what that means. Where that line happens. To me clingy means someone who can't be without you. Someone who needs you for every little thing. Someone who you don't like who insists on being around all the time. Someone who feeds off you like a fungus. Someone who wants to contain you like you're some kind of disease.

That's not me. Quite the opposite. I can be without. Clearly I have been my whole life. Clearly I don't need anyone for any little thing. I've been alone my whole life; there's no reason I should suddenly need anyone for anything.

But men are complete idiots. They don't know what they want until they can't have it. I've been taken for granted for more than one person in my life and I don't know how to stop it from happening. Guys should be doing everything they can think of to keep me close, not the opposite. Guys should be hoping I'm thinking about them every second of the day. Guys should be trying to impress me in new and creative ways. Flowers. Letters. And so on.

Today I saw the boy and I was going to have a "talk" with him. I couldn't do it. I don't know why. I have nothing to lose. I just wanted to clear the air and I couldn't do it. I don't know how to play the games anymore. So instead I'm going to spend the next two months (at least) trying to find myself in the wreckage the the boy has created for me for a second time. When will I learn? My heart knows nothing. It is stupider than our last president. It can't even find anyone who is remotely suitable or even interested. I'm not one of those people who enjoys the chase. I hate it. I like the spoils. The part where you get to kiss someone whenever you want. The part where you don't have to hold back. The part where you don't have to protect yourself because someone is only going to hurt you.

And my heart doesn't know the difference.

1000

I just hit 1000 posts. Crazy. I also realized my horniness factor when drinking alcohol reaches fruition at about 3 glasses of wine. That's when the tongue starts coming out and I start to wish I wasn't alone.

Tomorrow is the first day off I'll have in at least three weeks. Awesome.

The boy is about to be gone. I'm a little torn.

Wine makes me feel a little weightless.

I bedazzled my fan. It's sparkly, but not in the way I imagined.

I'm planning on working on my screenplay over the break. Hopefully it will be good. Hopefully I'll be in Paris in some months.

I've realized that men always realized how awesome I am way after the fact. I wish they would realize how awesome I am before it's too late.

Breaks

I have been really tired lately. Like the kind of tired that hits me while I'm sitting on the couch and the next thing I know it's two hours later. I caught part of your boring ass basketball game. They switched to Kansas because it was so boring. Next thing I knew it was over and I felt really sorry for the other team.

Spring break has officially started. Yay! I got myself some free zoo tickets today and I might be going tomorrow. I have to pick some stuff up from the boy, which is going to be an anticlimactic visit. He did 'casually' mention that the 'girlfriend' is coming out for a visit. A two month visit. I should be upset. I'm a little relieved. Now I have a really good excuse not to talk to him. I told him I might not remember him in two months, which technically isn't true, but it's not far. In two months I'll be back at the beginning again where I live my life without him, without thinking about him, without talking to him. It would be nice if I had someone to move on to, but so far I don't have any serious candidates.

There is one that I wouldn't mind throwing into the pool, but he is unbelievably shy. Which makes it really difficult to tell if he's into me. He is really cute: blond hair, blue eyes, lacrosse player, film student (not mine). The last couple of times I've talked to him, I've asked him about the film he's working on. He gets this goofy grin on his face and just says "It's good." The first time it happened I made a comment that he seemed like he was talking about his new girlfriend or kid, but today it occurred to me today that maybe he's talking TO his new girlfriend. Yeah, that would be me. But like I said, it's a little tough to tell if he's excited about the film or me. Or if he's just weird. He's going to be at my shoot on Monday, so we'll see what happens.

March Madness

I crashed out tonight for about 3 hours and now I'm wide awake. Great. Festival Madness has jacked up my sleeping patterns. I guess it's my own special kind of March Madness. I have one class tomorrow, and then it's Spring Break. I'm really glad. I'm also trying to ignore the fact that I have a mountain of work to do during that time in order to stay on top of everything. I'm also shooting the rest of my movie on Monday. Plus I'm broke, so I couldn't go anywhere even if I had the time. Maybe I can convince someone to hang out with me and go trolling for free drinks. I need some single friends. I did, and then they all got engaged and have boyfriends and such. Or just got flaky. I got left in the dust again.

I saw the hot Czech again the other day. I always forget how hot he is until I see him again. It's almost embarrassing how giddy I get sometimes when I see him. However, he has a thing for blondes, so I've kind of given up and moved on. Not that there's much to move on to.

Nothing new with the other boy. I asked him for a favor, and he said he'd help me out. Kind of strange, because I hate asking for favors, but I'm in a bit of a tight spot and I had to figure something out. He was the only person I could think of that could help me. When I thought I was going to give him up for Lent, I never imagined that the universe would make that impossible. Not that I tried that hard to begin with. Something about him just gets my mojo all out of whack. Maybe my Lent will just start later. What holiday would come after that? Easter? I guess I could start planning for my resurrection. Is this too blasphemous, to equate my lack of attention and sex to religious holidays? Well, I never was all that observant. No one has smote me yet.

Today someone told me I ask a lot of questions. It kind of bothered me in a strange way. I started thinking about how certain people have called me 'clingy', and I think they are connected. I don't think I'm clingy. People just think that because they can't imagine that someone would want to hang out and chat rather than need to hang out and chat. I don't really need anybody. I just like contact. With specific people. Some people I like more than others. But that aside, today I thought that perhaps I need to start exploring the other side of myself and just shut up for a while. Not talk to people unless it's absolutely necessary. Keep to myself. Not engage in lengthy conversations.

It seems odd to think about it since that's how I am when I'm annoyed or angry or depressed. It's difficult to imagine myself as being so withdrawn and being in a good mood at the same time. It might be an interesting exercise to see how people react. Because the more I think about it, the boy pays way more attention to me when I'm not paying attention to him than when I am. Being distracted or disinterested seems to drive him nuts. Which is pretty lame, if you want to know the truth. I've always thought those kind of people were people who really have no interest in being happy. They just like to conquer. While that can be fun, the magic wears off quickly if there's nothing else to keep you happy. Anyway, just a thought. I'll keep you posted on how my non conversant strategies pan out. Twenty bucks says people start asking me what's wrong, even though there won't be any angry indicators accompanying the quiet. Which is also a bit annoying.

Hope you liked the pictures. I wish I had more, but no one ever wants to go out, so there's never anything to take pictures of. :(

Normal Life

I'm almost back to my normal life. Tomorrow I'm actually going to my office and spending some real time there. No more trips to the theater. Almost all of the films have gone home or to their next visit. I just have some catching up to do with my regular life, and I did some of that today. I still have a significant number of papers to grade, laundry, and some cleaning to do. And then maybe I can get back to my script I started back in January. The downside is that now I get to think about paying my taxes, and yes, I get to pay again this year. Apparently, the university doesn't take nearly enough out of my checks, and so now I get to beg my mom for a thousand bucks so the IRS doesn't come and take me away. It's starting to feel like the university screws me every chance they get. I would be bitter about it, but I have a feeling it is only a harbinger of the changes that will be coming to my life soon. They will be good changes. And none of them will involve me staying at the school. Wanna come and visit me in Paris this year? Morbleu! It would be fun.

So there's not much new to report. I've hit a point where everything is either catching up or resting. That gives me a chance to regroup and plan what to do next. It occurred to me today that I may have to get another job when summer comes. I have no idea what kind of job I could get at this point. It seems like a weird idea to wait tables, but the other kind of work I know about isn't exactly yielding a ton of opportunities at the moment. Plus I haven't actively searched for a job in a while, so the thought of it is a little daunting. I got skillz, but they're highly specialized. Seriously. Oh well. Something will come along.

I'm really boring today. Sorry.

Your Job

I can't get into my email for some reason. I'm a little ticked. It keeps telling me the serves is unavailable or too busy. WTF? Anyway, our little festival starts today. I'm trying to get all the rest I can. I feel a little tickle in my throat; I'm determined that it's just fatigue and NOTHING ELSE. Nothing else. It should be an interesting day. I had movie dreams all night last night. They were weird; I can't even begin to describe them. I'm a little stressed, but only because there is a lot of stuff that needs to happen in the next few days and I have little help to get them done. I also have a 5 page research paper due on Tuesday. I think I can get it done (5 pages isn't that hard; I did 14 last semester). It's just one more thing that I have to worry about.

Tonight is also our opening night gala party. The boy is going to be my escort. Interesting? Your job for the day is to keep thinking it's time for him to figure out that I am unbelievable awesome and he must make the appropriate changes to his life so he doesn't miss his golden opportunity. I'll let you know what happens. I think he is close. He seemed excited about going, especially after I said I would be dressing up. He has no idea what is about to hit him. Or maybe he does because I looked fabulous last week. But tonight I'm wearing the new strappy heels. They work wonders.

The roomie and I haven't done our brackets yet. I told her last night we needed to. I saw on ESPN that SDSU what picked to be one of the first teams that would be knocked out. Great. Thank god for that 20 million dollar budget that never shrinks while class sizes get doubled and faculty are given the boot like it's going out of style. Great decision. I guess no one will notice that Caifornian's have no education as long as they can put five dudes on the court in March. Argh. Whatever.

Anyway, don't forget your job. Maybe it will help if you think of it as my ACC championship. You did so good on that one this year, you should keep using those talents for the forces of good.

Festivals & Fasting

The little festival I helped put together is going to start on Thursday. I'm excited. It should be an interesting couple of weeks. Pretty much all the filmmakers know my name because I've sent them all at least one email in the last two months, if not more. They're already coming to me for stuff I can't really help them with. I only deal with films. I don't know your hotel, I don't know your flight number, and I don't know when your press conference is. If you need to know when you film is playing, I can definitely tell you that. You want to know where I'm going to ship it? I can tell you that, too. I can even tell you what it's shipping box looks like. I can also tell you where the party is this Thursday, but that's because I get in for free and drink for free, so it's in my best interests to know.

On a side note, I have a meeting with a studio executive from Nickelodeon on Saturday who will tell me what she thinks of the script I wrote. I'm looking forward to it.

I was doing really good with the Lent thing. I had decided to give him up for good and I didn't call him or anything. Then the other night he randomly called me. Yes, he'd been drinking, but he was driving, so he couldn't have been that wasted. So he came over (the roommate had conveniently left for a couple of hours), and we watched a little Simpsons, had a little wine and snuggled on the couch a bit. He likes to tickle a bit, but unfortunately (or fortunately) I am very sensitive and wine and the couch don't mix. The wine came out, but the tickling is really just a way to touch me before he gets serious. It's a precursor to groping, which happened soon after. Then there was a little making out and then he left.

He also called the next morning at 7:30am to tell me he had a good time. Um, okay. Just think how good of a time it would be if there wasn't guilt and consequences attached to it. Story's over, but only sort of.

That night I went out with my friends. I haven't been out in months. I looked super fab in the plaid miniskirt and the boots. Yes, I'm a badass. Anyway, I walk in, and guess who else is there? Yep. We talked a bit, he said he liked the skirt. I said I bet you do, grabbed the package, and he called me a bitch. As in "You make me want you, you bitch". Yes, I know. I'm hot. Sassy. Totally irresistible. I totally rock.

So that's the story. I tried to give him up and it didn't really happen, but not because of me. Because he didn't want it to happen. I gave him an out and he didn't take it. Maybe he's starting to wise up and realize he can't live without me. If that's the case, it's about fucking time. My roommate keeps asking me if I'm going to call him, and I said absolutely not. He gets to do the work now. And he will.

On a whole separate note, I finished writing another film I'd like to shoot this semester in addition to the one I'm already trying to finish. I'll be getting to work on my new screenplay as well. It seems like school is starting to get in the way of what I'm actually interested in doing. Strange how that works. I also got asked if I want to do some programming work for another festival here in town. No pay, but at least they asked me. It's true, I'm starting to be kind of a big deal around here.

Anyway, congratulations on all your hard work bringing the team to their championship. I'm sure they couldn't have done it without you.

Grr

I've hit a funk. Big surprise. it seems that I made an effort this semester to not overload my schedule, and as a result, I have plenty of time to sit around and think about what's wrong with my life instead of actually doing things to make my life better. I've gotten to that point where I just want to move back in with my parents and be the spinster with a million cats that the universe seems to be insisting that I should be. And I really hate that I'm still thinking about a boy that doesn't deserve to have me thinking about him, and it irritates me even more to think that he probably hasn't even given me a second thought. Jerk. This isn't supposed to be this way. Something is wrong. Either with me or the universe. Or maybe I just need to leave this place forever. Sometimes I think I really love it here but lately I have not been thinking that. I've started thinking about what it would be like to move to upstate New York or Minnesota. Somewhere where no one would ever look for me. I guess my parents' basement fits into that category as well. Grr. I hate feeling depressed.

The Prowl

I'm still doing the Lent thing. Giving up the boy. Since I'm not Catholic, would it be more like a resolution? Anyway, I haven't talked to him in almost a week. As odd as it sounds, I go for hours without thinking about him, which I take as a sign that I won't be thinking about him for weeks in the near future. I just have to not think about the idea of being alone forever, which is sometimes how it seems.

Someone today said I looked pretty and earthy. I wasn't quite sure how to take it, but compliment was the ultimate decision. But I still think about how I hate my hair and my nose and wish almost every day that I could be someone different. Someone that people actually wanted to hang out with for more than a week.

So now I'm desperately trying to get my girlfriends to go out with me so I can have a total stranger hit on me. It seems like everyone has other things to do and people to see and so on. Seriously, I need some attention, and I need it bad. And not the kind that ends up naked in bed and then doesn't call because he's reminded that he has a girlfriend. Yeah, I'm a little bitter. I don't want to be, but it's not that easy. It sucks to feel like you've been used as some sort of replacement for what someone really wants. Argh.

Anyway, mark my words. The party girl is now on the prowl, as long as her friends don't desert her.

Cool/Not Cool

I just lost my health benefits. Isn't that cool? I didn't think so either. My tax bill isn't looking so great either. I thought us po folks were supposed to get a break. Maybe not. So the film festival starts next week. It seems to be taking up more and more of my time, but that's kind of how it works. I think it's going to be good. Supposedly I'll be meeting with someone from Nickelodeon about my script. Take that, haters. I'll find out what they have to say about it. So the boy took his 'vacation' to go see his utterly clueless "girlfriend" last weekend. I didn't ask when he was planning to come back, but I did tell him to call me. I haven't heard from him since then. Ironically enough, his departure coincides with Lent, so I'm putting him on my Lent list. After forty days without him, I'm sure I won't even be bothered thinking about him anymore. I tend to get over things a lot more quickly than I used to, and he is no exception. Easy come easy go, right? Still, I am hounded by the idea that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, which is probably my biggest fear. It seems so stupid, but I think it's the only thing I've never had, so it's the only thing I really want. Sometimes I think I must need therapy, but they aren't going to be able to convince me that being alone is the natural state of things. I know there's nothing wrong with me, so therapy seems kind of stupid. I think I just need someone stable to stick by me for longer than a week. I realized yesterday that the boy is the first boy to actually sleep in my bed for a night since the last time he slept in my bed, which was easily two years ago. That's pathetic. I sometimes forget how little play I get, especially considering how hot and awesome I am. Ah well. I suppose all this is kind of a moot point. In a year, I'll be too important to mess with idiots like him. I'll be going on dates with Clive Owen. Seriously.