Tired

I'm tired. Tired of the fucking snotty comments, the criticism, and the rest. Tired of being told that whatever I'm doing is wrong, that someone else could do it better, that what I'm doing is dumb. Maybe those exact words weren't used, but you get the fucking point. That's not friendship, and since I'm not a stripper with boundary issues, I'm laying down the boundaries. In order to be my friend, you have to be nice to me. You have to call me if you want to talk to me, you have to stop pressuring me to do things that I don't want to do, and you definitely have to keep your fucking snide comments to yourself. I have enough bullshit to deal with already without having to deal with people to claim to be my friends.

Let me know when you figure it out.

RIP

I'm going to Comic-con tomorrow. It looks like I'll be going alone, even though the boy and I have been planning to go together for about 6 months. Asshole. I haven't heard from him since Wednesday, when he sent a text that said 'I'll call you tomorrow'. Never did. I guess it is to be expected, but I'm a fucking idiot, so these things happen. I've actually seen him with my eyeballs once during the month of July, so that, plus, his wealth of lies, plus his lack of communication have pushed me to the precipice of lumping him with the list of those that are dead to me. Plus, I'm moving soon, so there will be no unexpected visits. Deletion from the phone and facebook, along with any mutual friends or family. Erasure.

RIP, yet another douchebag who loves to lie to me and string me along as if I don't matter and don't have feelings. Another one bites the dust. And now it's back to square one, except that I have to go to this convention tomorrow, and I know I'll be spending the whole day wishing we were there together, and remembering how unimportant I am in his life. And hoping I don't run into him. Ever.

I'll also need to expunge all the object that are in my house that are reminders of him, but lucky me, I'm moving soon, so it shouldn't be too difficult. At least not in terms of hard work. I hate how these things are so debilitating to my life. Maybe not as much as it use to be, but still difficult to deal with. Especially since I sit on my couch all day and have plenty of time to not work and think about how wrong my life is. And wallow. Blech, I hate this. I'm already tired of myself, and I haven't really started this whole ugly extraction process. So all I have is this: RIP.

Pet Peeve

Pet peeve: I hate it when people say they will call and then don't. It annoys the shit out of me. It also annoys me when people think texting or sending comments on facebook is the same as making a phone call. It isn't. That's not a conversation. It's a handy way of telling me I'm not important enough to actually talk to. That spending 10 minutes on me is not worth the time. It is ridiculously annoying.

Anyway, I wish that texts were never invented. They are fucking stupid. Also, what the hell is going on with my movie? Why won't anyone support it? Am I not doing it right? Wtf? I've seen so many ridiculous projects get funding, and I'm sitting at $135. I won more than that at the fucking track. GAMBLING. One of the people who gave me money is someone I've never even met, another one I've met twice, one is from high school, and the other a local friend. I really thought I had more friends that cared about me enough to loan me $10. Seriously. I guess if I'm ever starving or homeless I'm really fucked. That's good to know.

Going to Comic-con on Saturday. We'll see how that goes. UPS lost my business cards, so they won't be here in time. Fucking idiots. They can't get a box from Burbank to San Diego? Seriously, I couldn't believe it when they told me. Now they have to be reprinted and reshipped, so they won't get here until next week, which is completely pointless. Grr.

Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and go wait tables.

Everyone

So I went to the track today to watch the drugged up juvenile ponies run as fast as they can. Opening day, which means it's full of douchebags and chicks who can't handle their liquor, so they're somewhere between hot mess and train wreck. I'm not a huge fan of horseracing, but this was a special sacrifice for the sake of art. I'm not going to explain; you're just going to have to take my word for it. Anyway, I did pretty terrible in the first few races, and then I won $4.80, which was nice. Then I won $40 a couple of races later, so I was happy. Then I hit the jackpot on a couple of pseudo-longshots and won $240 on a single race. Kind of ridiculous when you think about it. But hey, I ended up in the black, so I'm happy. I've never actually won big when gambling (mostly because I don't bet big), so this was pretty exciting. Anyway, I now have some money for my film that I didn't have before. So that's good.

I also got an invitation to visit the Magic Castle in LA, which is pretty awesome. I just have to figure out when I can get up there. I'm also going to nerd-fest (aka Comic-Con) on Saturday, so we'll see how that goes. Another ridiculous thing in my life. But oh well. My life wouldn't be mine if it weren't ridiculous. That's kind of the definition.

I'm short on boxes. I can't pack up my house without them, and I need to pack asap. I hate moving, but at least this is the last time I'll be doing it for quite some time.

So anyway, in the grand scheme of my professional life, it's go time. I have just over 60 days to finish the bulk of my work, and that's a ton of pressure to deal with. I'm about to fork over a large chunk of cash for a location rental, and my fundraising campaign is not going well. I'm actually somewhat surprised at the lack of support I've gotten from so many people. Plus, SOMEONE keeps posting suggestive comments on the facebook page, which doesn't help the credibility of the film. It seriously needs to stop. I need help, not heckling.

Anyway, today was a good day. But I need everyone I know to stand behind me and cheerlead. Everyone.

Liver Workout

So it's another evening where I've been given free cocktails, and I can't help but think about what I want and don't have. Namely, the boy. Is he the Pam Beasley to my Jim Halpert? The Michael Vaughn to my Sydney Bristow? Or is it something much worse, where I get to experience all the pain and none of the satisfaction? It seems possible, likely even, since my life doesn't even begin to resemble a Hollywood story, and I have a difficult time resolving how to move forward without the guidance of movies and tv. I've been conditioned for so many years that a man will eventually learn what an idiot he is and come running back and beg for forgiveness, but reality tells me that isn't even close to true. In reality, they never learn, they never beg forgiveness, and they never come back. And because of my immersion in Hollywood endings, I have no idea how to react to reality. Movies don't tell me how to move on. They don't tell me how to be strong. They tell me that if he left, there was someone better and more deserving. They don't tell me how to handle that.

I've already started making attempts to guard myself against the boy, against his charms. I've started making lists of things that I can do instead of be around him, instead of think about him. Not that any of them are very robust. Weaknesses are a bitch, for sure. I have been trying to concentrate on the house and the movie and school and work, but in reality, none of them seem nearly as important. Sad, isn't it? So I have to find other, more powerful ways to distance myself and feel nothing.

Looks like my liver will be getting a workout over the next several months.

Knee Theories

So I have some theories about my knee. It seems odd that for my whole athletic life, I didn't experience knee pain, and now suddenly it's the main source of trouble for me. And this is knee pain that is really just a ligament thing, like my leg was hyperextended or something. Basically, stretching pain, not pounding pain. And the other day, I remembered that time almost 10 years ago when I fell down the stairs and my knee bent under me as I fell on it with all my weight. I did hyperextend it, just not past straight. Past bent. I remember at the time I was in so much pain I thought I broke my leg. Needless to say, I never went to the doctor because I had no insurance (funny how nothing changes), and just let it heal on its own and then forgot about it. Is it possible that this is that same injury? How do I fix it? Can I even do that, or is this going to be something that plagues me forever? It's kind of a bummer, because it's really scary to feel like my leg might give out on my when I really need it. Anyway, I'm really bummed that it ever happened and is now coming back again. Blech. I hate getting old.

Manic.

Just another Manic Monday. Visited my professor, which went about as well as expected. It feels like a cat and mouse kind of game that is so pointless I just want to shoot myself. Also had the house inspected, and it needs some minor (but not emergency) repairs. Basically, all is well on that front. I can't wait to move in. Every time I visit, I get a little more excited about the whole thing. I have to say, I'm actually glad that my new house has air conditioning. Not that it's super hot here, but it will be nice to have when it is hot. I went to the liquor store today to get some vodka to infuse, and asked for some boxes, of which they had none. They said to come back tomorrow. I'm getting antsy enough to want to pack all this crap up asap. For some reason, I want to be able to see evidence of my imminent evacuation of this place. Not that this place is bad. It isn't. I'm just ready to move on to the next chapter of my life and start fresh. Plus, this start needs to be extra fresh, since it's the last one I'll have for a very long time.

Anyway, today was a day mostly of errands and chores, so I didn't have to deal so much with the feeling of burnout. I did have some moments of panic because the film isn't nearly funded enough, and interest seems to be non-existent, but I just have to power through that and keep going.

As I was driving to campus today, I realized what an oddity I am. I can't think of a single person who has the same story that I have. I am the only person I know who is my age, who has never had a relationship longer than 9 months long. I'm the only person I know who can't manage to make it work. If I were 23, I would be able to believe those stupid sayings that people say to make you feel better. But I'm not 23, and now I'm practically the embodiment of a spinster. No long term relationships. Nothing significant on the horizon. I am the poster child for failure in relationships. And when I survey all those around me, I find nothing except corroboration. There is no situation that argues against my point, no person that is in my same situation. Frankly, it's pathetic. Pathetic that I should be so inept at something even morons manage to make happen. I have no idea how relationships remain such a kryptonite to my life, and why they should be so impossible for me.

Sometimes I have people tell me how lucky I am to not have to answer to anyone, but I would most likely trade places with that person on any given day. I may not have to answer to anyone, but I also have no one to share things with, no one to help me when things get difficult, no one to take care of me when I need it. Trust me, being alone doesn't even begin to be that awesome. Taking care of myself is so difficult sometimes, I don't even know what to do. The simple tasks: cleaning, groceries, cooking; these would be so much easier if someone was around to share the load. And what about when I get sick? If I were to end up in the hospital? When things go south, it's terrible to be alone. Manic.

Keep Going

Sunday. A day of rest. But I actually did some stuff today. I finished another hat, and started editing a vid. I haven't edited in a long time, and it feels weird. I feel like I'm wandering through a giant library looking for words. Then I have to put them together to make a sentence, but right now my English is a little rusty. I was hoping to take it to a professor tomorrow morning and show it to him so he'll feel like he's helping me. It's pointless, really. But it's just one more hoop I have to jump through in order to graduate. Not that I care very much about it, but it's one of those things that keeps me going at times like this when I really don't want to.

I'm eating the last pork loin I have today, which isn't really significant, except that it's the last of the real food I have in the fridge. Plus I'm out of olive oil, so I really have no choice but to leave the house tomorrow. Good food is another thing that keeps me going. My love for eating is strong, which I suppose is a good thing.

I packed another box today, and my bookcases are starting to look like I might be going somewhere soon. I want to pack more, but I don't have much room to put boxes, and I'm unsure as to what I can pack that I won't need, especially since I don't have a definite moving date yet. I can't wait to move to the new place, the place that will be completely my own, where I can go outside in the grass, sit under my tree, or turn my tv up as loud as I want because I don't share a wall with anyone. Plus their noise will be further away, which will be nice. I actually fantasize about cooking in my new kitchen and doing laundry with my washer and dryer. And even watering the trees and grass. It keeps me going.

I'm going to opening day at the race track on Wednesday, even though I'm not that excited about it. Heat, crowds, and drugged up horses doesn't sound as fun as it used to. But I'm going to take some photos for my artwork, so it's just a means to an end. Another hoop.

Also going to Comic-con on Saturday. Not looking forward to it, mostly because I'm supposed to go with the boy and I have no desire to talk to him right now. Maybe I'll feel differently on Saturday, but right now I don't. I have some other meetings this week that will be keeping me busy, so hopefully I will be sufficiently distracted to not worry about the stuff I don't care about. The wheels are in motion, so I just have to keep going.

Badass

I wish I were a badass. I've been watching a lot of Alias lately, and I can't help but wish I were that awesome. Wish I could kick someone's ass or scale the side of a building or disarm a nuke. Always be in control of the situation. But alas, I'm just a dumb girl that gets into situations I don't know how to get out of. Grr. I went to Sea World last night for a cocktail reception put on by an airline. A whole PR event complete with dinner, an open bar, and a whale show. Yep, I got drunk and had a great time. But when I got home I felt that feeling that eats away at me, a giant hole that I can't fill because it's everywhere. It ends up being a hole of loneliness because I have nothing to come home to. I can ignore it for a while by distracting myself with cocktails, or movies, or whatever, but it never really leaves.

And now I'm burned out on the movie, burned out on my artwork, and trying as hard as I can to not give up on it. It's really the only thing that keeps me going. And it gets more difficult when I have no one to share it with. Man this feels really whiny. But that's how I feel today. Like everything would be better if only I could get away from here, to have something pushing me forward to the next thing, since I can't do it on my own. That's why months ago I asked so many people to keep checking on me, checking on my progress. I have always known that I can't do things on my own, and that sitting at home by myself doing absolutely nothing is all to easy for me to do. I'm a goal oriented person. I thrive on competition. I like having expectations put on me. That's how I stay motivated. And I haven't had any of that all summer. No one asking, no one encouraging. And now I'm almost to the end of what I can do on my own. I haven't done any artwork since Tuesday. And now I have just over 30 days to shoot a film and mount an exhibition and I don't really care anymore. Plus I have to move to my new house in a couple of weeks. And I have another pointless, depressing birthday coming up.

So no, I don't feel like a badass. Not even a sort of badass or quasi-badass. I feel like a loser and I don't know how to fix it or move forward. Badassery would be really nice right now.

People Like Me

I'm trying to make sure I have a well-rounded life. Sometimes I am thwarted. Basically, I have my movie life, where I live and breathe movies. And that's the part of my life that I can more or less control, and where I know exactly what I am doing. The rest of my life, not so much.

I decided I needed to get in shape. Lose 5 pounds. So I started eating better and working out. I started going to these classes for aerial silks. They are lots of fun, but expensive. I bought 5 at a serious discount, and the 5 are up as of today. But even though I don't want to stop going, my body isn't so cooperative. As I may have mentioned previously, my knee has been giving me trouble. And as the things they teach us get harder, my body whines a little more. Now I have some fingers that really hurt (kind of feels like I jammed them, even though I didn't), probably from gripping the fabric so tightly. I also have giant bruises around my ankles that really hurt (I can't explain why they're there; you'd just have to see the tricks to know how they got there). There's also some bruises on my arms, probably from being pinched by the fabric. I've been considering taking dance classes, but again, cost is a serious issue there as well. But at least I wouldn't have bruises (most likely). So the whole get in shape concept has proven to be a bit...well...problematic.

The other part of my life should be the social part, and that's basically non-existent. Every now and then a friend will want to hang out with me, but for the most part, no one bothers with me. I just use Facebook to pretend that I matter to people. I rarely leave the house, and the only people I normally speak with on the phone are talking about the movie. And of course, the boy is a constant source of trouble, stress, frustration, and all sorts of other emotions that drive me nuts on a regular basis. And I'm having a difficult time regulating what's going on in that sphere, which is doubly frustrating.

Then there's the family. Don't get me wrong, my mom is awesome. She's been ridiculously supportive of what I'm doing, and she's buying a fricking house that I'll be living in by my next birthday. If only the rest of them were even half as supportive. My sister, who calls about twice a year (if that) called the evening I was holding auditions, so I couldn't answer the phone. I called her back a few days later, and had an awkward conversation with her. Basically, I learned that the only reason she called was to brag about her kid. So we spent about 25 minutes talking about her kid and how great she is (although she really is great; practically perfect. Seriously), and about 5 minutes talking about what's going on in my life. How's that for being involved?

Anyway, I wish I could manage to make my life balanced. So far I haven't been able to do a very good job. Maybe balance is impossible for people like me. People who don't know how to manage relationships with other people.

A-Team & A-Me

I'm frustrated. Again. I'm not trying to whine and be lame, but I've been really disappointed in the tepid response I've gotten from people about the film. Disappointed in the 'help' I've gotten from people working on the film for raising awareness and funds. I'm the first to admit that people have lives and can't devote 100% of their time to my little project. But I have spent hours putting together teasers, uploading photos, updating my blog, twitter, facebook, and website, and spreading it to every person I know and encouraging them to spread it to everyone they know. And that shit takes time. Posting a blog requires I write it, find pictures, put in links, the whole thing. And that's just one thing. Plus I have to think about all sorts of ways to try to get people interested enough to feel like it matters enough to pull out their wallets.

I have 30 days to raise $4950. And no one is responding. Before I started this whole campaign, the people I'm working with swore to me that they would help, that they would spread the word and try to convince their friends to get involved. So far, that 'help' has consisted of helping me shoot the teaser and an occasional 'like' on my page. None of their friends have liked the film, none have shown any interest whatsoever. And based on the small reaction I've gotten from my friends, I'm not buying that they're doing anything. Out of everyone they know, there has got to be someone that would show interest.

So I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall, swimming upstream, and thinking about how much I can actually spend on a film that I have to pay for myself. What I would have to sacrifice. First to go: special effects. Second: production design. Third: Costumes. Fourth: Locations. Fifth: Equipment. After that you may as well pack up and go home because you have no film.

I'm praying that I'll be able to make it happen without their help, since they are clearly not on the same page with how this needs to work. They don't understand that this is not simple, and people won't come just because I built it. A friend of mine said he'd give me $100, but I'll wait until I get the check to count it. People forget.

Anyway, it's frustrating to see my efforts scattered in the wind. Maybe it will all come together, just like it does for the A-Team. Except I don't have a team. I just have me. The A-Me.

Miscellanous

So today I actually got some things done, even though I spent most of the morning doing nothing and feeling guilty about it. I also spent the morning icing my knee, because I went to a class yesterday in circus arts (those aerial fabric things you see at Cirque du Soleil). There was a different teacher yesterday, and she sucked. Seriously. She started the 60 minute class 10 minutes late, then spent 20 minutes making us do conditioning. Ab work and what not. Fuck that. If I wanted to workout or lift weights or any sort of exercise that resembles the gym, I would have gone to the fucking gym. I was there to have fun, not work on my six-pack. So I was a little pissed off. Then, she showed us this one thing that last week's teacher showed us (apparently, there's no communication or uniformity in their class teaching). When he showed it to us, he said it was a hard thing to get the hang of and it would take us a couple of months to get good at it. It's basically the rope climb, except you're climbing a big piece of silky fabric.

So I got a little more pissed off because I know there's lots of easier, funner things she could show us, but she started with something hard that would keep us occupied. Plus, she made everyone go one at a time, even though there were several silks hanging to work on. I also didn't sign up for a class in standing around watching other people do stuff. Fuck that, too. I think that's actually where I hurt my knee. I think I put some weight on it wrong and hyperextended it a little bit, because I felt it squeak a little bit, and it's been hurting all day. I'm blaming all the conditioning too. I was already tired by the time we started doing anything. That's why conditioning is supposed to happen AT THE END. Stretching is what is supposed to be first.

Lastly, she walked off and started doing stuff on the silk herself, stuff we weren't even close to being able to do. Basically, just showing off. I also didn't come to a class to see her show us that she's awesome. Fuck that. Actually, it's the only time in my life I've ever thought about walking out of a class altogether. I don't even know what her name was since she never bothered to tell any of us. I'm definitely going to call ahead next time and make sure it's the other guy that's teaching the class. She was one of the worst teachers of anything I've ever encountered. So needless to say, I was pretty ticked off by the time I got home yesterday.

Man, that was a bitchy rant. Don't care. It needed to be said.

So today I tried to get back to doing work and getting things done so I don't have to feel so guilty about not collecting any paychecks. Speaking of which, I think the unemployment office is on crack. Yesterday I got two pieces of mail from them: one saying my claim was denied, and the other saying what my weekly benefit amount is and how long my unemployment benefits would last. Does that make any sense? I'm wondering if I should do anything, or just wait for them to figure out what the hell they are doing. Not that they ever will. I filed three months ago, and this is as far as they've gotten. Good thing I have some money. Otherwise, I'd be fucked.

I also found out today that I have to have location insurance for one of my film locations (a million dollar policy, pretty standard) by July 22. It seems like it's far away, but sometimes those things take a while to process, so I'm a little concerned about getting it in time, especially since I have to figure out who I need to talk to about it. I'm sure it's not difficult, it just takes some legwork. Blech. I hate legwork. (see above)

But today's feat was that I'm almost finished sewing together a coat, and it's been quite an odyssey to make it, since I didn't have a pattern. I had some pictures and a graph, and sparse directions that left out a lot of important details that I had to just guess at. Anyway, I'm pretty stoked about how decent it looks. If I were to do it all over again, there are a few things I would do differently, but this is a pretty good maiden voyage.

Lastly, I checked my work email tonight, and found a bunch of emails. One of them asked me to come in for a meeting on Friday (does leave of absence mean nothing?), and the other is offering some of my programming duties to someone I have never met. I'm wondering what I'll be around for if the programming is going to be done by other people. They already hired two people to do my job while I'm gone, so space and need is getting pretty limited. I'm a little worried, and a little ticked off about the meetings and the giving away of my stuff without telling me. Seems kind of messed up to me.

Also heard from my realtor yesterday. Should have an answer in a week or so, and if all goes well, be able to close by the end of the month. Fingers crossed.

Shut-in

I just realized that I haven't left my house since Saturday morning, when I went to get groceries. Nearly four days have passed since I interacted with another human being. How many days would it take to qualify as a hermit? As a shut-in? I did make the 100 yard walk to the mailbox yesterday. I'm sure my vitamin D levels are below what they should be. Today I'm going to a class, so the streak will end there. I've also been toying with the idea of going to the beach, but that idea has to wrestle the idea that I have a ton of stuff to do and a short amount of time in which to do it.

I might go to LA on Sunday. And if I do, it means I have a lot of things that would need to get done before I go. I'd have to finish two more sewing projects and a hat by then. Speaking of which, I'm working on a coat right now that has fur around the collar and cuffs. Just to be clear, sewing fur in the summer is not very much fun. However, I still enjoy running my hands and face on it, because it is really soft. These days, it's really the simple things that keep me going.

That, and movies. I've watched about 10 movies in the last four days. Thank god for Netflix, right? I'm getting ready to watch some more, then dive into an art project that will involve my least favorite activity, editing video. Something about sitting under my hot laptop waiting for files to render is excruciatingly dull.

I'm hoping that when I look back on this summer, when it's October or November or December and I'm ultra busy with work that I actually get paid for, I'll be able to say that the summer wasn't wasted. My fear is that I'll get to the end and wonder what the hell I did the whole time, and why I didn't get more accomplished. Right now I'm my only motivation, and it often seems like I'm adopting a 'what's the point' attitude towards everything. I just pray that diving in to my work and starting project after project will keep me in a 'must finish' sort of mindset. Otherwise, I might as well hang it all up and become a barista.

Blech. This was a terrible post. Sorry.

High and Low

I didn't get all the way through my list. But I'm not that worried about it. I still got a fair amount done today. The stuff I didn't do was mainly little stuff. Laundry. Walking something out to the mailbox. No big deal. I didn't actually go outside today except to take the trash out (it was on the list). So tomorrow I have one more day where the rest of the world is out to lunch, so I won't be getting any calls, mail, or other miscellaneous business. And I don't plan to go anywhere, either. I suppose I'll just end up listening to fireworks from my house. Which actually makes me a little sad, because I love fireworks. I just don't want to go to the effort by myself. It's not worth it. And perhaps there will come a day, in 10 or 20 years, when some idiot will want to hang out with me long enough to watch fireworks with me. I'll have to settle for listening until then.

I do wish everyone would stop posting how great their three day weekends are, however. There's something about it that just irks me to no end, like people putting political or religious bs on their facebook status. Or those posts that say "see who reposts this, those are your true friends/people who really care/true patriots, etc". I fucking hate those. Yes, I know someone who has fought (or is fighting) cancer. Yes, I love my country. Yes, I have a family that I care about. But I don't have to slather it all over my facebook just to make some idiot I haven't seen in 15 years happy. Fuck that. I know who I am. If you don't, that's your problem. And for the record, that's why I don't put bumper stickers on my car, or posters with pithy quotes on my wall. That is just annoying crap that screams "I need validation. Please say I'm great/smart/pretty/witty, etc." Just sayin'.

Also got an email from my lead actress today, asking me to let her 'approve' anything she's in before I post it on the internet. Seriously? I am the director. I'm the one that makes the decisions. She's actually a friend of mine, and I'm a little offended that she thinks I might post something that would paint her in a negative light. Have a little faith, sheesh. But still, it worries me, because what if we make the movie, and then she doesn't like something about it and doesn't want it to be shown to anyone? I mean, has she thought about it? And yes, after putting all this time and money into the project, if it were finished and she didn't like the way she looked, I would sacrifice the friendship and put it out anyway. Sometimes in life, we have to do these things. And I have to take care of myself and my project before I take care of her. But seriously, the whole thing is ridiculous. I guess I'm just a little offended that my judgement is being called into question. Not cool.

So I guess that was my day. Not a particularly good day, but not terrible either. High and low, I guess.

Holiday Weekend

I just finished making a list of stuff I hope to get done tomorrow. It's not a long list, but some of the things on it will take some time, so it really is quite a list. I plan on holing myself up with a strong fan (it's really hot this weekend) and getting as many of them done as humanly possible. But wait, you say, it's a holiday weekend; why don't you get out and have some fun? Why is it business all the time? Well, the thing is, I don't get holiday weekends. And believe it or not, I'm not sacrificing anything. I don't have anywhere to go, or anyone to hang out with, so I'm not blowing anything off. Actually, it's nice to have something to immerse myself in so that I don't have to remember how little I have in terms of friends or people who actually care about me or what I'm doing. So I have no barbeques to go to, no beers to share, no fireworks to see. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Is that a good thing? Bad? Sometimes it's hard to tell. It seems like whenever I get close to people they end up hurting me, so maybe staying away is the best thing. I can always depend on myself, but clearly I can't depend on anyone else. Lordy, this is the same shit I've been saying for years. Do I keep re-learning the same stuff over and over again? Or is it that my luck is so bad that I haven't had a social life in all this time that is worth being concerned about? That I have friendships worth saving? Hmm. I don't know.

I just needed to rant. On the upside, I've been getting a lot of work done. I guess that's a good thing.