Just lonely

I can't keep up with my life. I'm still trying, but finding it more and more difficult to do so, and less and less important to do so. Why do I try? Is there some pot at the end of the rainbow that will fulfill my wildest dreams? No. So what is it all for? I realized today that the only thing I really want is someone to share this life with, and that is the only thing I don't have. Can't get. Same ol' story. It makes me wonder if all the other overachieving is even worth it. Who cares if I'm somebody if nobody else thinks so? I would rather be a nobody that someone thinks is everything than someone who is everything to no one special. It's so fucking frustrating.

I have this friend, who keeps telling me to 'get out there', 'change my habits' in order to 'meet someone new'. She says "I'll go out with you every night if necessary, in order to get you out of the same rut". Since that conversation took place about 6 weeks ago, she and I have hung out exactly zero times. Not for lack of trying, mind you. I propose an activity, she's busy. We make plans, she cancels. It must be nice to feel fine to make promises you never intend to keep. Am I the only person on the planet who takes that stuff seriously? I always kind of thought it was a 'man' thing, but clearly it isn't. I'm learning that people make promises and break them as often as they brush their teeth. It's like changing clothes. It doesn't really matter, in the end. At least not to them. But I suppose it's a lot easier to forget that other people are having a hard time when you have never had a hard time.

My life isn't so bad. It's just lonely.