Class

Today was my first day of Spanish class. I'm not sure what to think. The guy kept saying everything in Spanish and I completely understood everything. He split us into groups and I ended up helping the other people in the group, including the woman that managed to tell the guy she was late because she couldn't find parking COMPLETELY IN SPANISH. The snob in me thinks this class might be too easy, but the part of me that knows I'll keep speaking English thinks I need to stay in the class so I'll practice. Nothing gives you confidence like being better at something than people around you. Supposedly you can only miss 3 classes (out of 32), which seems a little extreme. Good thing I'm only taking it for credit and not for a grade.

On another note, there's a woman in my class with gigantic boobs. Not that she's little herself, but those things are like volleyballs under that shirt (and I use the term under VERY loosely). I'm sorry, but a wife-beater doesn't even begin to conceal those things. And her bra should be made of steel. Whatever she has going on, it's not enough. Just sayin.

Tomorrow I teach my first day of class in almost a year, so this should be interesting. For some reason I'm a little nervous, even though I've taught this material plenty of times. It's a big class, somewhere in the realm of 50 people. I just have no idea where everything is and where to go to get stuff. Maybe that's what's so overwhelming. I don't know.

I'm planning to go to New York next month, which should be interesting.

God my life is boring.

Clooney

Last night I had a dream about George Clooney. Yes, seriously. In the dream, I was hanging out on a film set for some reason (not part of the crew, just hanging out), and then somebody asked me if I’d be the rabbit. Sure, I said. So they dress me up in this rabbit outfit, a big one with a whole head, Harvey style. The only thing is I have to hold up the ears with my hands, and my fingers stick out of the top. Yes, I don’t get it. Anyway, before I put the head on, George comes up to me and we talk, about what I don’t know, and then he says he wants me to meet him at some place at 9pm and he’ll be waiting for me. I’ll think about it, I say. So he leaves and I go on with my rabbit business, and then come 9pm I’m busy. So I send him a text message that says I won’t be able to make it, but I wish I could and I’m sorry. At 10pm, I’m sitting at a table and he comes up and he’s drunk (tequila). He’s still holding the bottle of Patron in his hands, and he says I never heard from you. Then his phone vibrates and he says I hope it’s you. And it is. So he’s happy and he says let’s go away together, but I say I can’t because I have a bus to catch. He gets all mopey and I get on my bus. The bus starts to drive away, but then I can’t stand it anymore and I run to get off the bus to go to him, and when I get off the bus I see him running towards me as fast as he can with the tequila bottle in one hand, and a wine glass full of tequila in the other. When we reach each other, we make out like they do in the happy ending Hollywood movies, music and all.

Weddings and Pointlessness

Spent the weekend in LA. It's nice to escape. But it makes it so much more annoying and pathetic to come back to this ridiculously pointless life I have here. Makes me wish I had never come back. That I could live in the make believe all the time. How sad is that? Anyway, I went back to work today, exhausted from the whole trip. I'm still exhausted. But I ended up going to have dinner with a girlfriend who is getting married in October. She moved to San Fran back in January or February and I haven't seen her since. So I show up to dinner, thinking it's going to be her, me, and one other woman. I get there, the boy is there, along with some other women and blah blah blah. So I end up having dinner with my friend and a bunch of other women I don't know or barely know, and I'm already depressed because sometimes the pointlessness of my life and the minutia that keep it going are almost too much to comprehend or shoulder. Then I realize that I'm the only person there who isn't involved in the wedding. I'm not a bridesmaid, I'm nothing. And I start wondering what the fuck I'm doing there, because not only do I not know these people, but I'm not excited about a wedding that is 4 months away and I don't have a date for even though it is a great place to go. And I probably won't have a date come along anyway. Which is yet another wedding for which I will show up alone and depressed and sit at a table with a bunch of other single strangers and pretend to be happy and force conversation with them and feel awkward and either just wait for it to be over or drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol until I don't feel feelings anymore.

Have I ever had a date to a wedding? Hmm. Thinking. Wait, yes. Once. With a guy who dumped me a few days later because he was a giant asshole. You would think I would be used to this by now, but somehow it never gets old. Watching other people get together, pair off, be happy together, while I sit alone, tell the wedding planner my plus one didn't make it, and watch them scramble because now there is an odd number at table number 7. I fucking hate this world. This life. All of it. What the fuck is the point of being a good person and trying to make yourself better if no one gives a fuck? I could be a playmate or win a Nobel Peace Prize and no one would bother to learn my fucking name. Or spend more than an hour talking to me. So yes, it all feel stupid and pointless. Even more so when there is a wedding involved. Fuck this.

Direction

I'm going to LA for the weekend, so I have to get through three discs of The Sopranos before then. I also need to watch a few movies before Monday. And clean the house. Anyway, I've been feeling a bit odd this week, like a lackadaisical stalker. Is that possible? The boy, the one that blew me off last week is like that little festering sore that doesn't really hurt, but for some reason I keep scratching it. I erased him from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to contact him, and actually, I haven't regretted it. There hasn't been a time this week when I wanted to talk to him. So that's good, right? But then, a couple of times I do a little Facebook or Google stalking, which is really pointless. Still, whenever I see some girl talking to him on FB, I assume he slept with her and blah blah blah. And it seems like I should be upset, but I just roll my eyes and think about what an idiot he is. He had a great chance with me and he blew it. It's not like an empowerment thing, it's just that the other women I see in his life are all pretty skanky looking. I'm smart, cool, and I actually have a healthy libido. And I start thinking, maybe that's it. Maybe he doesn't have one, or enough of one to keep up with me, and so he goes back to strippers and skanks that don't actually expect him to do anything. Maybe yes, maybe no. But I guess the major point is, it only bothers me that he'd prefer to slum it and is too much of a pussy to admit it. The big man doesn't have enough balls to admit that he's a stupid fuck, and somehow I feel like I'm the one that is missing something. But I'm really not. Blech. Anyway...

I'm still not sure if I succeeded in lifting the curse. I have succeeded in falling into old patterns of ridiculousness, but I've been kind of detached from the whole thing. Meh, whatever. I just want to be done with it and move on in a better direction.

Quakes, Flakes, and Snakes

So another earthquake hit tonight. They said it's something like the 47th aftershock since the 7.2 hit on Easter. I've actually felt most of them, and during all of the ones I felt, I was sitting on my couch. It seems like I should be somewhere else at least once, but nope, always on the couch. What does that say about me? I don't usually mind them too much. It's not like things go flying around the house; it just rattles the place and makes me feel a little dizzy. It's almost like suddenly being on a boat and feeling a swell move underneath you. The only thing is, you can't see it, so you don't know how long it's going to last, if it's going to get bigger, or what. It's an odd feeling. The one tonight seemed like it lasted longer than the others (except the big one, which seemed to go on forever), and I actually got up for a second to think about the safest place to be in my apartment. Probably my bedroom, but who knows. I'm not a physicist or a geologist or a seismologist or even an architect, so I don't know how this building will go down when the time finally comes. All I can hope for is that I'll be close to my computer, my phone, and they'll both be fully charged.

So anyway, what seemed like the longest weekend ever is finally over, and I went out on Sunday with a bang. Really. A guy I've known for a while (like 4 years or so), who takes an intermittent interest in me, decided we should hang out and he drove down and we hung out most of the day. It was kind of fun. It was nice to forget about being rejected for a little while, and consider the possibility that my curse has been lifted. Yes, I am still seeking simple curse-lifting techniques just to be extra careful. I tried one the other day, but you can never be too sure. My guess is that a curse is like a germ: if you leave just a little bit, it'll multiply and spread and then you'll be right back where you started. You have to kill it dead. So, if you come across any decent advice for removing curses, feel free to send it to me. I'll try it as long as it doesn't involve chicken blood, goat sacrifice, or the phrase "Ka-Li-Ma". Or snakes.

Curses

I think I am cursed. As in actually cursed. By whom and why I don't know, but the more I think about it, the more it seems possible. No, I'm not crazy. But I started thinking about it, and there is a pattern here that I have been unable to break, despite my efforts to make good decisions and change the way I do things.

So here's the logic:

I'm 34 years old, and have had only 2 relationships IN MY LIFE that lasted longer than 90 days. One of those people is dead. The other person hooked up with one of my close friends 3 days after I left, so it wasn't really significant. The rest of the relationships have been short, as in a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months if I'm lucky. Then *poof*, they're gone. No explanation, no fights, no nothing. Just gone. And here I am, wondering what happened, and wondering how it happened, and licking my wounds yet again. It also occurred to me today that I'm a curse to those around me. The last roommate I had, she couldn't keep a guy around to save her life. Then she moves out, and within six months, she has a boyfriend. A really good one. Then the roommate I had before that. She bounced around from guy to guy, then after I announced I was moving out, she started seeing a great guy who she is now happily married to. Before that, I was living with a guy who had a girlfriend. Starts out great, right? They're having some sort of issue, then he starts staying at her house all the time, decides to propose, and bam, they're married together with a kid now. Before that, the guy I lived with in NC was perpetually alone and pining after some girl I never met. He tries going out with a few girls, but nothing ever materializes. I'm not sure exactly what happened after I left, but I do know that he's married now to a very cute girl. Go back one more roommate. He tried dating several women, and nothing ever came of any of them. They were all short-lived and seemed unfulfilling. Last I heard, he had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend, who was something like the love of his life. So there, I have managed to not only fuck up my own life, but temporarily fuck up the lives of those around me. It's a good thing I live alone now.

So anyway, I did some research about curses, and found one that told me how to tell if I'm cursed. There's this test involving a deck of cards, and so I did it. I did it 5 times, with the same results. I'm 66.6% sure I'm cursed. That's a majority for those of you who are counting. So I suppose now my problem isn't figuring myself out, it's figuring out how to lift a curse I just found out about. Any ideas?

Dream

I had a dream that I was at my grandmother's house and the boy was there. My old roommate was there too. We leave him alone for a few minutes, and the next thing I know, he's down in the basement working out on some old equipment. I talk to him a little bit, then leave him alone again. My parents show up unexpectedly. Now I have to introduce him to them. My dad is watching the Vikings on tv, but I introduce the boy and the boy immediately insinuates that Dad is gay. Dad of course gets mad, and starts talking about god knows what, but it's like he's reciting from a script, not actually talking. Like he's rehearsing something. And this whole time, I'm irritated that I have to introduce the boy, because I know he's not going to be around again, which I'll have to explain again. I introduce him to my mom, and she says they already met.

I also dreamt that my roommate and I auditioned for some movie, and in line in front of us are these two girls and one of them is Kristen Stewart, but I don't recognize her until later. Anyway, she and some heavy girl are rehearsing some naked lesbian scene, so they're both naked and I'm a little weirded out.

Awesome, even my dreams are messed up now.

Saturday

I just finished writing the first act of my treatment. That was like pulling teeth. When did writing get so hard? Talk about a fucking rut. Anyway, last night I had a dream about a guy eating a couple of centipedes. And he crunched on them like they were potato chips, then looked at me and said, "oh, I forgot, not everybody likes this as much as I do." How weird is that? I also dreamed that my glasses fell apart in my hands. Anyway, so I plug them into a dream interpretation things, and they all say things about negative thoughts and so forth. Gee, what a surprise. I guess my brain is trying to give me advice, which I actually need. Or at least some sort of kick in the ass to help me get out of this ditch.

Last night a boy sent me a message asking if I wanted to have brunch on Sunday. I haven't seen him in a few months, even though we've had this thing going for four years. I said it sounded good. There is a part of me that's really irritated with him, since he's part of the whole reason I'm in this situation to start with. But then, going out with him tomorrow might make me feel better. How's that for irony? Anyway, here I am, just waiting for someone to be nice to me, and that's all it takes for me to be pulled out of my coma. Blech.

3 Things

There are a few things in this world that are really starting to piss me off. Seriously.

1. iPhones. Okay, if you need a bandwagon, here is one. Hey, can I buy an overpriced thing that claims to be a phone but is really just a tiny computer? Can I spend $300 on it and have it be outdated by the next generation in six months? OMG I'm in! Please please please, let me waste money on that! I have so much time to spend on useless games and "apps" that will make me feel like I'm not the complete idiot that I actually am. And please make sure it has GPS. Yes, I know I've been getting around just fine (more or less) for the last 30 or 40 years, but this GPS thing is a NECESSITY. I simply MUST know where everything is at all times. God forbid I take a wrong turn in this life. That could be fatal. How did I ever live without this worthless piece of shit? Better question: how will I live with it? With all the dropped calls, you will never be able to actually speak to me again. Just Facebook it. Because apparently that's the only kind of communication I'm capable of with this little brick of uselessness.

2. Facebook. I am so tired of you (the collective you) bitching and moaning about your life in public. News flash: no one cares. Your stupid little life is inconsequential to basically everyone. The only reason we Facebooked you in the beginning is because we wanted to see your pictures, and now that we have seen your fat/ugly spouse, we feel satisfied enough to leave you alone and never talk to you again. Seriously, if we had wanted to stay in contact with you, we would've.

3. Boys. You suck. Read the rest of my posts to find out why. But know that you fucking suck.

I know there are more, but I forgot the rest. I'll tell you about them later.

Ditches

Sometimes I think that I missed a turn somewhere during my life. Like something was supposed to happen and I wasn't looking or paying attention and now here I am, hopelessly off course. I have a job that pays nothing, resulting in me having $38 in my checking account with the month less than half over. Sure, I like the job, but I also like eating and having a place to live. And yes, I live in one of the most expensive cities in the country, but I can't do this kind of work just anywhere. I have worked hard to get an education, spent tens of thousands of dollars getting it, and still can't manage to make a decent living with it. Instead I toil away in a semi-glamorous job that is directly related to my education and come home to Ramen noodles and water. And I come home to an empty home. I suppose that being poor is one thing, but being lonely is wholly another. And here I am, alone, facing a weekend with no plans, no companions, no nothing. Is it really supposed to work this way? Where everyone I know seems to find who their looking for, and I end up alone, without anyone. That section of the Sex and the City movie where Carrie sits dejectedly on the couch and then spends 3 days in bed? That's my life in a nutshell. Minus the supportive friends, of course. Yes, I'm without those as well. Here I am, ditched by the latest boy for some unfathomable reason, and there is no one here, no one asking me how I am, no one giving me words of encouragement. So end up having to be everything. I have to be my own bank, I have to be my own company, and I have to be my own support. It's fucking exhausting. It seems unfair that I have to shoulder all of this by myself. No one else has to. Everyone else has something or someone to help them along the way, and I am doing it all and getting nowhere fast. Every time I get ditched, whether it's by a boy or by a friend, my own ditch gets deeper. And it's been such a long time, the ditch is really deep. It's getting to be a chasm. So once it gets deep enough, is there any chance of ever getting out? Maybe I should just ditch all of this.

Friday

It's my Friday. I'm not working tomorrow. And I have no plans this weekend. It's really awesome to have no life. I'm not sad that I'm not working tomorrow. I am sad that I'm not in the office because I don't work full time and I don't make enough money to actually do fun stuff during my free time, of which I have plenty. My house has never been so clean. I haven't done this much reading in a while. I still have paintings to put up. I have writing to do. But you know I'll find a way to put it off. That's something I'm very good at doing. Maybe because it gives me something to look forward to. Leave something for next Friday.

Getting Laid

Today I found myself wishing I had something in the office to punch. Like a weeble wobble. A really big one. Just so I could let out some frustration. It's been a bit of a rough week, both personally and professionally. Mostly because other people suck and a little bit because I suck. So I spent most of the day having a hard time focusing because I was mad about something I couldn't do anything about, and getting much less accomplished than I had hoped.

Then tonight I realized that a good portion of this nervous energy could be averted if I were getting laid. Then I could relax and focus and get all sorts of good stuff done. But no, I have to sit and stew and act like some ADD moron.

I have also been feeling fat lately. And hungry. It's possible it's just part of that monthly thing, but I'm not a regular binge eater. Yesterday I ate a bunch of guacamole. Today I have bad gas. It's not a regular occurrence, so I'm sitting here evaluating my diet and what needs to change about it. Again, something I wouldn't be worried about if I were getting laid.

Today someone told me not to ever get married. I responded that it didn't look like it was ever going to happen. In all seriousness, I'm really thinking that's the case. Sure, I have plenty of time. Plenty of time to find some guy who is divorced and bitter or perpetually and terminally single because he likes it that way. Unless I want to settle for someone I only sort of like a little, which is really not my style. Yikes. I better get a dog or something.

Except I'll still need to get laid. Go figure.

Insanity

So that thing about getting piss drunk last night? Yes, I did. When I woke up this morning I wasn't sure if I was still drunk or hungover. Really hungover. So yes, last night I drank a ridiculous amount of vodka (strawberry/basil), then watched the Sex and the City movie twice and bawled my face off. Not really just because of the boy, but because of a whole bunch of nebulous issues that are tangentially related to boys in general. It was definitely one of those uber depressing pity parties that seem to get more frequent the older I get. And here's the silver lining I though of last night while watching the movie: At least I get ditched before I get to the altar. How's that for positive thinking? Hey, isn't it great that men are assholes to me early on? Great.

And then I woke up at 8am this morning. Or rather, was woken up. By a message from the boy. A 'we'll see each other soon, sorry I spaced getting back to you' message. Seriously? That is supposed to forgive ditching me at the airport, then not responding to any messages for a week? It's like the feeling I always got when I was a kid asking my parents for something, and their response was 'we'll see'. Which always got my hopes up, then made me think ten times harder about how to play my next cards to make sure I got what I wanted, while knowing that the phrase generally means no. It feels so pointless and cruel. But I suppose it's my own fault. I'm the one that keeps hoping that this person, this time, will be different from aaaaaaalll the others. Which is really just insanity. Almost as insane as drinking copious amounts of alcohol and not being able to function like a normal human being until 2 in the afternoon. All because I wanted to drink enough to not feel feelings for a while.

I'm very close to being ridiculously drunk. And I'm okay with it. So far I've spent most of the night thinking how my mom would respond to me being abandoned yet again. I imagine this whole thing where my mom asks what happened and I tell her that I'm the exact loser that she thinks I am. That the whole reason she thinks I am so lame is because I really have no solid history with any one person of the opposite sex. How pathetic is that? Anyway, I'm just saying, I love vodka. Vodka loves me. That's all there is.

Monday

What a crappy Monday. I found out today that some friends of mine (a couple) who were supposed to have a baby on Friday actually had it prematurely 12 weeks ago. I haven't kept in close touch with them, so I just found out today. I feel like an asshole. Partially for not keeping in touch, but partially because I left a voice mail yesterday that said something to the effect of "I'm guessing you have a new little rug rat running around..." And now I find out that they've been struggling just to keep him alive since February. I don't know what to say to them, but I feel like I should say something, even though I know very little about it. It also makes me think that I'm never going to be having any kids. This friend is around 38 and has a normal, healthy 2 year old. I don't know if this pregnancy went awry because of her age or because it was just a fluke, but I started thinking that my days are probably numbered. I think today is the first time I've actually thought about the possibility that I won't have the choice to have or have not. Not that I have ever been adamant about it either way, but I don't like having my choices taken away.

Which brings me to my next beef, which is the boy. I've come to the conclusion that he's gone, but I have no idea why. I wish I could point to something I did that would tell me why yet another guy has mysteriously disappeared, but I've gone over the transcripts and there's nothing out there that would be enough to scare someone away. I did say something about preferring it when guys stick around for longer than a month, and that it's nice to have sex with someone more than once, but that doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary. And this new addition to the list only serves to strengthen my belief that men are complete cowards. You don't have the fucking balls to tell me you don't want to see me anymore? Seriously? What do you think is going to happen? Do you think I'm going to go home and slit my wrists and cry or pray to a shrine with candles and your picture? Fuck you. Yes, it will be an awkward conversation and you might feel like an asshole for a couple of days, but in the end, you are the guy that was upfront about the whole thing instead of the guy that was too big of a pussy to tell it like it is.

I also started thinking about how nice it would be to know when it's the last time you're going to talk. I hate the whole guessing game, or the unanswered messages that make me feel like an even bigger idiot than I already do. Just tell me this is the last time, blah blah blah, and I'll make sure not to bother you anymore. And just think, your guilt will subside even more quickly when you aren't being reminded of what an asshole you are. And you are. I am not a psycho, I'm not clingy. I've actually got some things going for me as a person one might hang around with. It seems unfair that idiots manage to find companions and I'm stuck sitting on my couch by myself every night of the week.

I suppose it seems really lame that I'm so concerned with all this. I'm just tired of being by myself all the time. Nothing new. I'd like to have someone to go to a wedding in Napa with me, someone to go to the store for me when I'm sick, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. Just someone to be there that I can depend on, which has been ridiculously difficult to find. So yes, now I'm back to being the pathetic frump that I am. So when's a good time to call me? Whenever. I'll just be sitting on the couch.

And to think I was going to program his number into my phone. I think I'm going to get piss drunk tonight.

Sunday

I tried Yoga today. I got about 15 minutes in and then got really tired. Tired enough that I fell asleep on the couch and never saw the end of the video. How pathetic is that? I feel like a big fatty. I'm hoping that feeling won't last much longer. I'm actually tired of being out of shape and feeling old, even though I'm not much of a fan of working out, either. Anyway, we'll see if I can ever manage to get to the end of the video. I also realized today that I have a bike that I think I've ridden maybe 4 times, so that's another goal for the summer. Is it possible to have too many goals? I suppose not, but first I should figure out what to do about this laziness and procrastination thing I have going on.

I saw the old boy today, along with his brother and parents. Kind of an odd group. It's a little strange to be around someone else's family right after being around my own. My family is so much different from his family, and as much as I like them, I like my family better.

Still no word from the new boy. I'll probably give it one more shot and then let it lie. I don't know what else to say about that, except that I'd had higher hopes for the whole thing. I even mentioned him to my mom, which was probably a giant mistake. Now I'm going to have to explain one more failure to her and she's going to be all bummed because she thinks I'm too difficult or demanding or ambitious or something and no boys want to be with me because of that. Yes, Mom, it's my fault that the boys don't stick around. It's not because they suck. But I suppose she's still of the world that believes that wife material is made of girls that obey and make dinner and say 'yes, dear' and so on. We all know that I don't do that, and never will. At least not because I want to hang on to a guy. It would be because I want to. I guess being independent comes with its own price.

Voice Mails

Is it pointless to leave a voice mail for someone who is most likely not going to call you back? I hate that feeling. As soon as the phone starts ringing I start wishing I hadn't called at all. But it's too late to go back, and too late to hang up since it's already on the caller ID. So all that's left is to leave a message, knowing that my call will never be returned. So annoying. From time to time I have resorted to letting my phone die, or leaving it as far away from my person as possible to *try* to prevent me from using it. I suppose there is an off chance that he'll call back, but patience is not something I have a lot of in these situations. Yes, it's lame. I should be able to be ignored with grace, but alas, that's something I've never been able to do. So anyway, I'm here again whining about stupid stuff that won't matter a week from now. Enjoy.

Homecoming

Disappointing homecoming. I was seriously ready to get laid, and then the boy said he had an appointment and wouldn't be able to make it, all as I'm boarding the plane. So I went to plan B, the old boy who I have been doing my best to avoid since I told him he should steer clear of me and my temptations. Or whatever. It's cheaper than a cab, but there's still a price to pay. Anyway, I couldn't help but be bummed that the right boy didn't come to get me. I spent most of the flight trying to convince myself that everything was fine and he wasn't making excuses and that I needed to calm down and act cool. Not exactly my forte, but I'm making an attempt.

Anyway, tomorrow I have to go back to work. I checked my email when I got home. I have 140 emails waiting for me at this very moment. So tomorrow, I'll get to go through them while dealing with the idiot boy who shares my office and trying to catch up on what exactly has been happening since I've been gone, which could be anything. It appears that my boss is close to moving our office to a place down the street, and at aforementioned idiot's request, is considering putting in a DJ booth. Seriously? Is that guy planning on doing any fucking work ever? I'm sure it's superfun to sit and play bad music while bobbing your head like it's empty, but that typically doesn't bring in the money, which is how this whole thing is supposed to work. I guess that's what happens when you hire fucking morons. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm hoping to put the kibosh on some of the crap that guy is cooking up. Otherwise my office is going to be transformed into a dirty hippie hangout where idiots come and say stuff like "coool" and "duuuude" all the time while drinking coffee and using our free Wi-fi and not giving us a goddamn dime. And I'll still be making $12 an hour to be an actual professional that knows what I'm doing and brings in money. I may have to purchase a taser. I hate hippies.

Home and Away

Today I'm flying back to California. It seems like every time I visit the family is a unique and odd visit, so I never really know what to expect. I guess this is no exception. I haven't been home during non-snowy weather in several years, so the heat is something I'm not used to. And the tornados, hail, and lightning. Anyway, as much as I eventually settle in to how things are here, I still miss my real life and the things I actually chose to have in my life. I saw some friends from high school, which was weird. I haven't seen them since the actual day we graduated, so it's a little strange to 'catch up' after this many years. One of them told me she had a coke habit in college and nearly died. Another has MS, and yet another hasn't changed a bit. I feel a little strange telling them about my life because I know that it sounds so much more glamorous than it really is, mostly because I don't have a bunch of kids or an ex-husband, or a job that I hate. Plus I don't tell them about the not-so-great stuff, like living at the poverty line. But in the end, I don't really know what they're thinking. They probably think I'm a giant bitch.

I also am always surprised at how much my family annoys me, even though it's nothing new. I used to live with these people, and they're not really that different than they used to be. I'm just in a position in my life where I don't have to put up with their bullshit anymore. I can leave at any time. No one gets to boss me around. I am a little bit worried about my dad, who seems to have taken to blurting out random things without really thinking it through first. Things like "NASCAR is the most ethical sport there is" or "I know how to stop underage drinking". Or he states the painfully obvious "That's an orange car" or "The mountains are on the west side" or "The speed limit is 40". Yes, we all caught that, Dad. Thanks for saying it, too. Sometimes I wonder if it's because he has a habit of not paying attention to things other people say, or if he's really losing it. I've also noticed that if I talk quiet enough, he won't hear me. And if I don't repeat myself, he gets mad, even if I wasn't talking to him. Typical. He's always been kind of a nosy guy. I've also realized that he won't do anything new by himself (go to a new doctor, drive to a new place, etc).

Lastly, my dad has become overly concerned with conserving water. I'm still unsure as to whether it's an environmental thing or a financial thing, but I had to nag him to turn up the heat on the water when I got here. After 2 tepid attempts at bathing, I finally had enough and threatened to go stay in a hotel. According to my mom, he's trying to 'save water' by keeping the heat low. Our water is heated by solar power. My mom also told me that he 'saves water' by 'watering the plants' instead of using the bathroom in the house. She also has to nag him to shower, and she practically wrestles dirty clothes away from him. It's like he's suddenly six years old again. Who does that? It's not like he's checked out; he's just become some sort of water miser. I don't get it, and it has practically driven me crazy this week. It's the first time I've ever threatened to stay in a hotel when I've been at home.

Anyway, it won't be long before I'm back at the ocean, where we don't have wind, or tornados, or hail, or horses or bighorn sheep or gigantic trucks. Yes, I will miss it. But it will be nice to be home.