Injuries and Aches

I've spent the whole weekend nursing my injured ego and my aching body. Not exactly how I wanted things to go. I fucking suck. My legs and feet are so sore right now, and I don't know what to do about it. I guess I could take something, but it really hurts. My sleeping patterns are all messed up, mostly from lying awake for so long in the middle of the night thinking about how frustrated and irritated I am because I don't even get to control the little things in my life, and I thought I could. It fucking annoys me to no end.

I still have no desire to leave my house because I'm still trying to recover from recent humiliation and the recovery process is not going very smoothly or quickly. And there's nothing on tv. God I'm ticked off. I should go out for a walk and try to get things out of my head for a while, but I don't want to risk running into my two least favorite people and I'm at a loss as to which route will ensure that I don't see them. My ego really doesn't need that bonus right now. Deep breath. Fuck this. Ouch.

SaSSy

So the museum last night was pretty cool. It's my first time at this one, and it's small, but they have some good stuff. The flowers were interesting. So was the people watching. The drunk woman gynecologist that said things were great because "I just got a face lift and new boobs", the man wearing a cape, an earring, hair obviously dyed black, and full on make-up, the first date couple with the man in the really bad shirt. Ahh, the public.

I, of course, sported a SaSSy (yes, 3 capital S's) black dress. The kind of dress that is not meant to leave me alone at the end of the night. But of course, it did. Trust me though, I looked hot. I caught a dude totally checking me out, and not in a subtle way, either. His woman was standing in front of him, and he didn't even care. He didn't even notice me watching him check me out. What a doofus. I was informed there were lots of people checking me out last night, but I didn't notice all of them. Really just the one and some women who were obviously jealous that they were wearing blazers and slacks with work shoes.

But as I said, the dress failed in its mission. I was alone after everything was said and done, and there was nothing I could do about it. So I came home and got into bed and fell asleep for about four hours, then woke up at three in the morning and laid there for over two hours wondering where the fuck I went wrong. And what I'm supposed to do now. And how to stop all the old feelings from coming back because they are always ready to make me miserable and I'm really bad at stopping them. So far, the only thing that's stopping me is knowing that I looked absolutely awesome last night, and resistance had been built up from the very beginning, before I even appeared. My prospect for company had made up his mind way before he even saw me, and took steps to make sure he didn't slip, which he almost did anyway. But it still sucks, because being rejected is always humiliating, especially when you are obviously making an effort to not be rejected. Stupid dress. Now I just want to stay home and never go out again.

But the flowers were nice.

Friday

Friday. A day I was supposed to work, but didn't. I'm not bitter, just broke. Tonight I'm going to the museum and having cocktails and dressing up like a SoCal Carrie Bradshaw. It should be interesting, especially if I don't trip over those dress shoes I never wear.

I really need to do some school work today, which is why I'm doing this instead. But since I have all day to do it and nothing else to do, and it's cloudy outside, I'm thinking there's a good chance I'm going to get something done. At least I hope so. Procrastination is really a mofo.

I got my financial aid package for next year, and finally the gubment is recognizing that I am just a poor schmuck with no money. They are giving me a grant, which is super sweet. I've never gotten one before. It actually makes me kind of excited about going to school next year since I won't be going so much more into debt. But fear not, there will still be much debt. People are always talking about the high cost of ignorance, but they ought to see the high cost of my education. What's in my head should be enough to put a down payment on a house. Can you use your brain as collateral???

Anyway, it is almost May, and last night I was thinking that last year at this time I was getting ready to go to France. I wish I was doing that this year too. Instead I am counting the days to the end of the semester when I am free of the bullshit that goes along with school, when my life is my own and no one else's, when I'm making decisions for me and only me. Ahh, it will be sweet.

I'm also looking forward to visiting the fam, mostly because it will be nice weather. Usually it's cold and miserable. Plus I get to see people I don't get to see very often, and maybe I'll get to go horsebackriding if big sister is in a good mood. Maybe I'll get to meet my niece with the name that didn't undergo consultation, and therefore has not been ratified. Oh well. Hopefully she'll still turn out ok.

I'm teaching film production to a bunch of 11 year old girls. They are totally into it, and I think that's cool. I wish I could teach more classes like this, so when they get to college, those stupid boys can't bully them into making stupid kung fu and slasher flicks. It's definitely an uphill battle.

I've gained a few pounds since I lost all that weight. It seems like it's taking a while to get back what I lost. I don't know why, because it seems like I eat all the time. Not that I'm worried, I just don't want people to think there's something wrong with me (or at least THAT'S not what's wrong with me).

I think that's about all that's going on in this universe.

Wining

Today I did step two of making my wine, and I'm getting pretty good at siphoning it from one container to the other. Who knew? I guess everyone should watch their gas tanks now, since I can't afford to buy my own. Anyway, it should be ready in another three weeks or so. I have discovered today that bagels go bad much faster than I remember, which really sucks, since I really wanted a bagel. Now I have to buy some more before the cream cheese goes bad too. Sometimes I forget that I only need enough food in this house to feed just me. I have a 5 pound bag of potatoes; I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with them before they all go bad. All I wanted was a baked potato...

It was supposed to be really yucky weather today, but so far it's not bad. Not beach weather, but kind of sunny. Yesterday I went shopping for a friend's birthday, and ended up buying some stuff for myself. Big surprise. I got something for her too, though. One of the great things about California: you can wear pretty much whatever you want whenever and wherever you want. And since I'm tan and skinny, I can wear even more stuff. It's awesome. I only have to worry a little bit about getting cold.

I'm going to the museum this weekend for a cocktail reception (and there will be art too). It should be pretty cool. I get to dress up like they do in Sex and the City and act like some sort of socialite. I am an elitist, but haven't quite gotten socialite status yet. Socialites don't pay rent. They don't work, either. Unless it's a charitable organization. I am a charity.

Did I mention I started painting again? At the moment, I'm watching for a sale on canvas; I don't have enough of them to really keep me busy. Still, I have one that I'm working on at the moment that I'm hoping will turn out good. So far it looks cool, but you never know. I do try to live by the Bob Ross philosophy though: There are no mistakes, only happy little accidents. You would be surprised to see the stuff that I have painted recently. They don't look anything like the stuff I used to paint. They are actually paintings of things instead of that abstract stuff. I guess it's kind of both, since it doesn't exactly look real, either. Maybe after this film thing, I should be an art major. I'm sure my parents would looooove that. Oh well. Anyway, I guess that's about it for now.

Wish me luck with the wine!

Freakin' Sweet Necklace

So yesterday I got fitted for my necklace for my film, and let me say this necklace is freakin' sweet! Not only that, but since it is being fitted for my neck, it will only fit me. Pretty cool, huh? It's going to be finished in about a week, so I'm pretty stoked about it. Now I have to start thinking about my locations and get those costumes going.

I also got my tax refund yesterday, which is just in the nick of time. I think the gubment should have to pay taxes to us po' folks since they get to live in fancy houses all the time. I can barely afford to pay rent; they're golfing. Anyway, I'm still waiting for the state refund, but at least now I can pay the major bills.

I went to the beach for a little while yesterday, but it was cloudy today and it's supposed to rain tomorrow, so I guess that gives me the chance to get some inside work done.

So in short, yesterday was a really good day. Today wasn't so good, but not really for any reason other than I was a little down. I'm thinking the rest of the week will go good. Tomorrow I do the next part of making my wine. I also have the filmmaking class with the young girls (bring on the young girls....:)). I'll also get my work schedule for the next week, so then I'll get to plan what I want to do with all my free time. They say work is going to pick up starting this weekend, so hopefully that means I'll be rich very soon. It also means I will have no life, which is ok, because I don't have one anyway.

Anyway, I hope things are going well for you.

My New Friend

Let me tell you about my new friend. I'm not sure if my new friend is a boy or a girl, or how old she? is, or even her name. But she is tan and fluffy and has a cute face and floppy ears. Today she smeared damp sand all over my coat and jeans while carrying a frisbee in her mouth. She lives on Marine Street, which is on my way to the beach. She lives two blocks from my beach. I've only seen her a couple of times, but she is always glad to see me and get her back scratched. Maybe then next time I see her, I'll find out what her name is.

Crazy

I'm trying to finish reading these papers for class. I started around noon, and I still have three left. I am having difficulty concentrating, and it's driving me crazy. I even got up and did the dishes, threw in the Beasties, and tried to get down to it. But I can't. I keep sitting here listening to the kids outside and thinking about who I want to be with and where I'd like to be right now other than sitting here reading these dumb papers with bad spelling errors. I had some cereal too. And some jelly beans. It is beautiful outside, and I've already been outside quite a while today and now I want to settle down and get some stuff done and my brain just won't let me. I didn't even bother putting any clothes on after my shower, because I knew that would turn into some production. Distractions or not, I'm driving myself crazy. I'm restless and I don't want to do anything that is a choice right now. I don't want to watch TV or a movie or read anything or cook anything or go anywhere or even take a nap. And you know how I like naps. I painted today too. Keeping busy really sucks sometimes, especially when you don't really want to keep busy. I'm debating just having some beers and passing out so I don't have to worry about it, but I feel like I should at least wait for the sun to go down before I start doing that.

I'm going stir crazy. Ahhhh!!!

Summer

Man the weather has been so nice this week, I've been to the beach twice already. It's awesome. I'd like to go tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'll have time. I got my work schedule today and I'm actually working a couple of days this week, which is fine and dandy for me. I can't believe April is almost over, because that means the semester is almost over, which is awesome because this has been the longest, most excruciatingly painful semester EVER! Good thing I took relatively easy classes. After this semester, I'm hoping to have things more under control so I won't have to drag my feet all the way to class. I'll actually be excited about doing things because I can and I want to. Plus, this summer I'm only going to work, which I'm thinking will leave me with a bunch of free time that I don't usually have. Time I can use to do things I like doing and haven't done for a while. I'm not sure what those things are exactly, but I'll figure it out. I'll have all summer.

Sunday

It's Sunday. Specifically, Easter Sunday, which doesn't really mean a lot to me since I'm a heathen. I have been trying to keep myself busy with the usual stuff, plus I started making a batch of wine today. Chardonnay. It's going to take a month, and I have never done this before, so who knows what's going to happen. I might just end up making a whole lot of vinegar. I should be doing homework, but I just don't feel like it today. I've been kind of down today, as the reality of a friendship ending sinks in. I'm a little bit lonely, but really just sad. I hate it when stuff like this happens. I'm trying to get over it, though.

I'm watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I was recently introduced to. That show is funny. You should watch it if you have HBO.

I applied for a part time job at an art gallery today. We'll see what happens. They probably pay like crap, though. It sounds like fun.

The weather is supposed to be really nice this week, so I'm hoping to get to the beach some. I'm also hoping to go to a noon concert in La Jolla tomorrow. Some string quartet thing. It's free, and I can walk to it, so it should be interesting. I might go to bike races on Tuesday night- you know, the indoor crazy kind. Also free, so it might be cool.

Anyway, that's about it. Hope you are feeling better.

Passion

Tomorrow I am definitely going to the beach. I didn't have time to go today, and it was beautiful out. Maybe that was why I spent most of the day annoyed. Annoyed because he's not doing what I want, and he won't listen to anything I say, so it's pointless to even try to communicate. So we don't.

On the brighter side, I'm starting to feel a little bit like a person again, or at least my own person. I'm still a person with no true blue friends that I get to see every day, but I have a couple of good on the phone friends, and that is just going to have to be enough for now. I try to be creative about things I can do to keep busy, but I'm running out of things. I have a short attention span, and I can only do certain things for a certain amount of time before I need something else to occupy my every thought. I've found that the difficulty in finding people to hang out with lies in the fact that the majority of people I know have real jobs, meaning they aren't available during those lazy daylight hours and they go to bed early. Plus, they go out on the weekends, when I am usually working. Most of the people I know are also not single, which means they have no interest in going to a club to get a little crazy and see what happens. While I am an independent person, going to a club alone just seems pathetic and depressing, and chances are I would end up being that person sitting at the end of the bar hunched over a drink watching the ice in it melt. I can do that at home (and sometimes I do).

Anyway, I've been trying to be creative about things I can do by myself, but it gets hard after a while. And sometimes you just need someone to talk to while you do stuff. I'm running out of stuff to do anyway. And the arts and crafts will only hold out for so long. At least the weather is getting better, so the beach is starting to become a daily option to keep myself busy. I guess I just need to find something to be passionate about. For such a long time, the thing I was passionate about was a person, and now he's wrestled my passion away from me and ripped it up into a million tiny pieces. So I have to figure out how to put it back together and apply it to something that won't destroy it so thoroughly. Because ennui and melancholy are the only things that fill that void. And anger too, I guess.

So I only know how to be passionately angry. It sucks.

Trash

I went to the beach today, and the weather was beautiful. What was not beautiful was the empty soda cans and random trash someone left. I've been going to this beach ever since I moved here three years ago, and I've never really seen it like that. Obviously tourists. The locals don't trash their own beach. What I don't get, though, is that there is a trash can 100 feet away. How hard is that??? Fuckers. Come and trash my beach. No wonder places like Ohio look like they do. Yeah, I said it.

Last night I got depressed, but I don't really know why. It's lasting into today, and I'm hoping will go away soon. I was doing really good, and then just got thwacked all of a sudden. Nothing happened that should make me feel sad. I have a feeling it has to do with the feeling that my friends are always too busy for me, because it is incredibly difficult to get together with any of them. I say how about Friday and they say can't, I'm busy. They have real jobs, so they can't stay out past 9, and I don't get out of class until 10, so that leaves some days out automatically. I don't really know how to fix this problem without getting all new friends, which is a difficult and time consuming task. And it's not like I have that many friends to begin with. But I do get depressed when the only contact I have with everyone is by phone. Sometimes that's just not enough. And I get depressed. So here I am.

Red Orchids

Red Orchids
Originally uploaded by ocean1000.

April 10

So I'm back for more. I haven't done any writing today. Shame on me. I have done some knitting, though. I didn't write yesterday either. But I finished one of the books I have to read, so at least I'm doing something. I painted today too, which is now stinking this place up. I should just open the door and let the air in, but I'm always a little weirded out when people walk by and look in. Who knows what they would see.

I'm trying not to make myself crazy, which is why I'm writing. I've made a couple of phone calls, and when people don't call me back, I start to get anxious, like they might never call me back and they're avoiding me and whatnot. So I'm sitting by the phone, or rather listening intently for it to make some sort of sound, and so far it hasn't. I don't like it.

To try to give myself something to do, I walked down to the drug stores, which are ironically right next to each other. I needed some decongestant and some bourbon. Voila. Now I can breathe dizzily. I was planning on walking down to see the sunset, but I'm going to have to reevaluate that idea in a bit because I see some clouds rolling in, and it might be a dud. We'll see. As my luck would have it, I'll probably be down there in the sand with no reception and my phone will ring and of course I won't get it because it won't pick anything up. I wouldn't be surprised, because it always seems to happen that way.

I'm going to try to get out of the house for the day tomorrow and spend it in the car instead. I guess it will give me a chance to pay attention to something besides my silent phone and all the arts and crafts I have going on to try to stay sane. It's an uphill battle to say the least.

Tomorrow is my neice's birthday. She will be eight. The loss of my old self will be nine. Funny how things go away, but they never really do, because you always remember them. I know there are lots of things I could forget. Things I wish I could have back. My old self is something I'd like to have back. Sigh. Oh well. Happy Ninth Birthday, psycho self. The pro at the club thanks you for your patronage. Not that anyone but me knows or cares about the whole thing. I'm not even sure if I do, but I know that at this moment, I'm thinking about it and my stomach is starting that churning thing it does when I remember anniversaries I don't want to remember. April 10. Write it down. I don't have to.

Arts and Crafts

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. Put me in a room by myself long enough, and I become a twisted kind of think tank and start concocting all sorts of stuff. Some of it is right, and some of it is not. It doesn't really matter though, because these thoughts become strange and obsessive, and the only way to alleviate them is to go out of the room. So today I went on not one, but two walks. I had to use the secret squirrel way to the beach so as not to run into unpleasantness. I think he is mad at me, because I called him and he never called me back. I don't really know why he's mad, unless it's just general madness. I have to admit, I do care. But I'm not losing any sleep over it. I'm still going to do the same stuff I do every day, whatever those things might be.

I finished my hanging sculpture today, and I must say, I think it looks pretty cool. The knitting is progressing too. I think I'm getting kind of good at it too. And now I'm sitting in my big orange chair, listening to chill music and drinking a big beer from Colorado. I just talked to a good friend, for the fourth time today, and I guess I'm feeling pretty good. It feels good to have people call just to talk. I've been considering starting some more painting, but I'm not sure what I want to paint. I need to think on it some more. I did do some writing today, and found it to be rather difficult for some reason. The next section I have to write is going to be even more difficult, mostly because I need to write about something I'm just not feeling right now. It will be an adventure to see what comes out of me next.

I have to work tomorrow. I'm not upset about it. I just wish it wasn't going to be a Saturday night. I guess I'm just never satisfied. Before that, I have lots of work for school to get going on. After tomorrow, I'll have two more days to myself to sit in this room and think and hopefully not go crazy, even though I'm so close all it takes is a little nudge. I just have to keep on being crafty. Like I said before, that's what crazy people do: arts and crafts.

Writing

Yesterday the professor said we are supposed to be writing every day. I guess I have been, just not for his class. Oops. I'm not sure how far behind I am, but I do need to get crackin'. I'd like to finish this monster I've created by the end of the semester, and I have a long way to go. I'm going to try to apply myself today, but sometimes it's difficult when I really just want to veg out at the beach, and today it looks like the weather is finally going to cooperate. I also need to do some work on my film, which is something I have been neglecting. I kind of want to just start all over, but it's a bit late for that. Oh well.

For the past couple of days I've been feeling not so great because of my stomach, and I'm hoping that will go away today. It is nearly crippling when my stomach hurts; moreso than a headache or a flesh wound. I can't ignore my stomach for some reason. My neck has been nagging me since Monday, and it's annoying, but not debilitating. I do wish it would go away.

I have to make a special trip to school today to meet with an artist for my film (I'm glad one of us is working on it). It sucks because it takes half an hour to get there and I'll probably be there for less time than that, but I kind of owe it to him since he's freely giving me his time and expertise. Driving down there is the least I can do. I may try to move our appointment up so I can go to the beach too. When I get back, I guess it's time to buckle down and do my writing the professor is insisting upon.

Tomorrow I have to work. It feels weird. I was getting used to not working, and I haven't even adjusted to the time change yet because I don't have to. I'm sure tomorrow I'll start to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow is a low key wedding with good food and extra cake.

Anyway, time to get started on, well, something.

Busy Day

Today is one of those days where I don't get to sit around for a long time and do nothing. Normally I would complain about it, but I'm actually looking forward to it. I actually have stuff to do. And I'm visiting the pro at the club, so hopefully something good will come of that.

I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but April is one of my least favorite months. Bad stuff always happens in April. I try to forget about it and focus on the good stuff, but sometimes things just don't like to be swept under the rug.

I'm working one day this week. Things are most likely going to get very tight very soon. Two days of work in eight isn't going to pay the rent, or anything else for that matter. Oh well. I'm hoping for the tax return to make haste to my hands.

It's been yucky weather here the last couple of days, but it looks like today might actually be a decent day with lots of sun and not lots of clouds. I'm hoping the good beach weather is here to stay. I haven't been to the beach in over a week and that sucks.

As for everything else, I still don't know how to fix everything in my head. Sometimes it's hard to know exactly what I want and I never know how to get it when I eventually figure it out. There's a lot of things I don't understand and probably never will, and I just have to keep on doing things as if I did and hope that no one notices that I have no clue what's going on and that I am seriously insane.

Anyway, hope you are well.

Why you don't talk to me no mo?

Tired

Today I'm tired. Not sleepy, just tired. My neck is still hurting. I have one more day before I go see the pro at the club. A lot has happened since I last saw her. Fifty minutes will not be enough this time. Anyway, the point is, I'm tired. Tired of being confused all the time. Tired of wishing that things could be different than they are. Tired of having to explain myself. Tired of trying to figure out what the fuck everyone else is thinking or doing or intending. Tired of trying to make the right decisions, when there really is no right decision. Tired of feeling like everything is a huge waste of time. Tired of feeling like nothing is going to make a damn bit of difference. Tired of defending myself, tired of having to protect myself. I wish all this would just go away.

Something Awful

With 250 billion dollars (the cost of the war in Iraq) the United States could have purchased...

Little Girl

So Florida, eh? You were right. Nice going. I made muffins today. Blueberry. I know, you're surprised. You should be, because I am. Knitting, baking, what will be next? It's like the universe has been thrown on its ear or something. Who knew I would be sitting here, in a real piece of furniture that I didn't get at Ikea, staring at my made bed, smelling freshly baked muffins, getting ready to write a paper and do some more knitting while thinking about the groceries I need to pick up this week (tomatoes and potatoes are on sale, as are mangoes)?

One would think I have become a responsible adult, but fear not. I am anxiously awaiting my next payday, which is not until next week, and I have more beer in my fridge than food. I set off the smoke alarm when the dust started burning off in the oven, and I took a three hour nap while it was still light out. It's not even 10 and I am in my pajamas (or at least clothes I'm willing to sleep in. Aside from these things, I'm still also extremely childish and immature, and my social decisions are at the level of a fifteen year old (not friendly with the new girlfriend, attracted to emotionally or circumstantially unavailable men, and completely desperate for sex).

So don't worry. I'm still just a little girl inside.

Decisions and Kinks

I got a kink in my neck this morning and it really hurts. I hate it when this happens, even though it hasn't happened in a really long time. I thought I was cured. What a joke that was. At least I don't have to go anywhere or do anything today except sit here like a vegetable.

So knitting is the new yoga, and so I got back into it. I've started on my first real thing, after finishing my initial requisite scarf with fringe. It's dark red. I'm not sure what I want to do with it. Maybe give it to my niece for her birthday. Even though she will probably hate it and never wear it, which is how kids are supposed to react to clothes you give them. I also decided to make a hanging sculpture (also known as a mobile, but I don't know exactly how that word is pronounced, so I'll stick to "hanging sculpture") made out of crystals. I'm almost done with it. Who knew I could be so crafty. But I guess that's what you do with crazy people--arts and crafts.

Tomorrow I'll bring home the rest of my paint and painting accoutrements and start something new. I'm not sure what, so I guess I'll have to think on it a while. At least it will keep me busy for a while.

I'm ready for the nice weather to get here, but it's supposedly going to rain tomorrow and Wednesday, leaving a bunch of yucky mud in its wake. I'm hoping it will wait, because I'd like to go to a softball game tomorrow night, but who knows. I will most likely go see a bad movie involving Antonio Banderas and dancing, so that should be interesting. I'm trying to be creative about things I can go out and do, and to my surprise, it's not that difficult. It's just expensive. Hopefully my tax return will be here soon, though, and my social well being will improve. The pro at the club would be happy about that. And if I can discontinue her services, that's another sixty bucks a month I'll have at my disposal. But I'm sure work will get in the way then...

I still believe I'm a confused individual, with lots of problems and a tendency (or compulsion) to make really bad decisions. I'm trying to do better, but it's hard to know what life is supposed to be until you get the benefit of hindsight.

But my decision for today is to read, write, take a hot bath, and have some vino. Hopefully nothing too terrible can come from that.

Singing

The other day someone reminded me that I used to be a singer. I had completely forgotten. So last night I put in a CD of a concert I did and I couldn't believe the person I was hearing was me. It sounds like a million years ago. It kind of makes me want to get back into it, but that was a long time ago and I was a different person then. I don't know if I could still do it anyway. I just remember that it always felt good to have people clap for you, which doesn't happen so often anymore.