What I Mean
I have seven minutes before I have to get ready to leave the house, so this is going to be short. Or I'm going to type really fast.
Last night I learned a little bit about a couple of people in my class. About why they do art, what has influenced them and so forth. I started thinking about what motivates me (because I'm going to have to do a presentation in a few weeks myself) by thinking about all the things I'm planning on showing to everybody. I don't really think of most of it as really personal stuff, as I tend to let my life fall open to any page. I don't censor most of my life from other people. If they want to know, I'll tell them.
But last night I realized that if you add up everything I've ever done, my relationship with my family, the things I'm concerned about, they all kind of boil down to one thing. And I'm not sure I want to talk about that one thing in front of other people. I want to tell people I am a genius and that is all there is to it, but deep down (actually, much closer to the surface than that), I know that I am not a genius. I am just some poor schmuck that never got enough hugs, so I became a hack artist instead of a serial killer. The serial killer's health plan is much better.
So my quandary is: do I open up to these people I hardly know and hope they don't think I am a total loser, or do I make something up and let them think I am a total loser? It's really difficult to admit to people you don't know that you have problems, your family doesn't know you, and you are obsessed with the idea that you will never get it. It would be way easier to say that everything I do is postmodern feminism, but that, of course, would be complete bullshit. Because I don't even know what that means. I only know what I mean. And even then, sometimes I get confused about what I mean.
Last night I learned a little bit about a couple of people in my class. About why they do art, what has influenced them and so forth. I started thinking about what motivates me (because I'm going to have to do a presentation in a few weeks myself) by thinking about all the things I'm planning on showing to everybody. I don't really think of most of it as really personal stuff, as I tend to let my life fall open to any page. I don't censor most of my life from other people. If they want to know, I'll tell them.
But last night I realized that if you add up everything I've ever done, my relationship with my family, the things I'm concerned about, they all kind of boil down to one thing. And I'm not sure I want to talk about that one thing in front of other people. I want to tell people I am a genius and that is all there is to it, but deep down (actually, much closer to the surface than that), I know that I am not a genius. I am just some poor schmuck that never got enough hugs, so I became a hack artist instead of a serial killer. The serial killer's health plan is much better.
So my quandary is: do I open up to these people I hardly know and hope they don't think I am a total loser, or do I make something up and let them think I am a total loser? It's really difficult to admit to people you don't know that you have problems, your family doesn't know you, and you are obsessed with the idea that you will never get it. It would be way easier to say that everything I do is postmodern feminism, but that, of course, would be complete bullshit. Because I don't even know what that means. I only know what I mean. And even then, sometimes I get confused about what I mean.
posted by Ocean | 9:23 AM
1 Comments:
Be honest and open. More than anything else, THAT is who you are. Besides, you can always use that to play the role of the "tortured artist" who creates art to heal emotional wounds. IMO, the best art (whether film, music, dance, sculpture, etc.) comes from pain.
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