Faults

I didn't write anything all weekend because I was having a hard time figuring myself out. Since Friday, I've been upset that my friend has this tendency to attack me when I don't say what he wants, and then blames me for my problems in a "it's your own damn fault" kind of way. This time, it's my fault that people aren't nice to me. That I don't have very many friends, that people snub me and ignore me, because even if I haven't done anything to them, I most certainly have done something to them. I know it doesn't make sense. You had to be there.

But the part that I can't resolve is that i really like this person, want his respect, and value his opinion. It's just that in this case, he is wrong. He refuses to see that I am no different than anyone else, and that other people fuck up just like I do. He doesn't see that I have to come up with ways to protect myself when blonde girl is rude to me, or when the teacher's pet duo completely snub me, or pretentious guy says something snobby, or popular guy acts like I don't exist. I have to find ways to not let these things hurt me. It is a reaction to an environment. He thinks it is a preemptive strike against people for no reason, rooted in cattiness and so forth. It's complicated, and no one really knows what I see and feel except for me.

So the lecture about what is my fault is another link in the chain of stabs through my heart. And there's nothing I can do about it except leave.