In My Car

I don't even know where to start. Because I don't really remember a beginning. Just the part where I'm sitting in my car late at night crying, and wishing someone would just carjack me so I can think about something else. I was so upset I decided to try to think of just one good thing in my life, and actually, it took longer than it should have. And I ended up coming up with something that isn't all that great. It was that I was invited to an art critique. Something that has nothing to do with me, but I was invited anyway. That the only good thing I could think of is that someone included me in something small is pretty pathetic. But it was all I had.

It's so stupid that I should feel this way; I know that. But when the phone isn't ringing, it starts the ball rolling. Then I find myself remembering the times when my phone did ring, with the voice that would say "I was just thinking about you" and "I miss you" "can't wait to see you". And I remember when I fell asleep in the bath with my head resting on his chest. And now I'm bathing alone, sleeping alone, eating alone, drinking alone, watching movies alone, walking alone, working alone, sitting alone. And now I'm sitting at home alone. While everyone else does things with those who matter.

It doesn't go suddenly; but it slips away a little, then a little more. Then I say "What's for dinner", and am greeted with "I already ate", a shifty couple of glances, and some evasive non-answers. Why? Wait, it's coming. So later, as I'm the only person eating, wishing the wish I've been wishing all day (I wish I could be special like SHE's special), SHE shows up. And in five minutes, I discover he already ate because he ate with her(although I don't know why he couldn't just tell me that...), and knew she would be stopping by later (as in now, when I'm stuffing my face and look like a total idiot, in addition to feeling like I don't matter). Wait, there's more. As soon as SHE shows up in her outfit with her body and her hair, he proceeds to stare at her and hang on to every word out of her mouth, ignoring me and another person at the table. I could have choked to death and he wouldn't have noticed. But I guess that's the way it has been from the beginning: he dumps me for people who actually matter.

That was the beginning of the end, the last slip that sent me into a deep dark hole of stuff I can never fully describe. But it couldn't be over. It never is. Then there's the girl that is happy because she dumped some guy and now she's single and the other girl (who is supposedly my friend, but that's another story), who neglects to even ask me how I'm doing, and launches into a tirade about the boy who calls her incessantly (aka The Boyfriend), the boy who is stalking her (aka The Meal Ticket), and the boy she's been waiting on to call her and ask her out (aka The Adult) and the boy she shamelessly flirts with because she supposedly wants to sleep with him (aka The Jerk), and I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear about all the attention she is getting from various men. All I can think of is how no one (as in NO ONE) has asked me out in almost two years, I haven't gotten laid since 'the incident', my phone never rings, he swore things would be better and they're not, and I am going to be alone on the next three holidays because I'm not special enough to anyone to make them want me and only me above anything or anyone else. And I have to prepare myself for that, plus the fact that no one in my family will call me on any one of those days.

So I'm crying in my car, wondering where my friends went, realizing you can't lose something you never had in the first place. So yeah, it took some time to think of something that wasn't completely disappointing about my life.