Scrap Heap

Dear You,
Sometimes I wish you could walk in my shoes for just one day. Maybe then you would see how careless you are when it comes to my feelings. It often seems like you don't care about them at all. I guess that's why I'm typing this; because you don't care to know what I'm thinking or feeling. So I have to write it out, hoping that at some point it will make sense to me that I still consider you a friend.

It is almost every day that I find myself lying in bed crying to myself because I feel like the person I thought I was closest to has no idea what I'm thinking, nor does he seem to care to know. I think about how we used to be close and then drifted apart, just as I predicted a few short months ago. Now, when you want to talk, you call someone else. When you need a shoulder to lean on, you lean on someone else. Or, if you can't find anyone else, you choose to sit by yourself rather than ask me for help. When did I stop being important to you? When did your judgement of me become so low?

I suppose the glib and thoughtless comments are to be expected when you don't think of me as someone that is sensitive. Yes, you can either make plans with me, or make up a lie. You can even tell me this to my face because you don't care that hanging out with me is worse than making something up. But of course, you will tell me the truth at the moment when I least need to hear it; at the moment when I am most vulnerable and your confessions will do the most damage.

I wish you wanted to treat me like the friend I thought I was. I wish there was someone else I could talk to, but unlike you, I have no one else. So I am alone. Because I sit at home and wait for your calls, your attention, and your invitations, provided someone else hasn't stopped by to make you remember that I am not necessary in your life. To make you forget that we made plans; I showed up and you didn't. But that's ok, because I'm not sure you even consider me a friend anymore. I just wish you would let me know so I can stop deluding myself. I'm very tired of feeling like you might realize how much you are hurting me at any moment, hoping things will get better instead of worse. I want to sing in the car again because I'm happy you're my friend instead of cry because I mean nothing to you.

So I guess I'd like you to let me know. Let me know if I should give up on you. If you're going to make more plans with me that you will cancel later when something better occurs to you. Or if there's something you think is worth salvaging, because I definitely feel like I've been thrown in the scrap heap.

Love,
Me