Badass
I wish I were a badass. I've been watching a lot of Alias lately, and I can't help but wish I were that awesome. Wish I could kick someone's ass or scale the side of a building or disarm a nuke. Always be in control of the situation. But alas, I'm just a dumb girl that gets into situations I don't know how to get out of. Grr. I went to Sea World last night for a cocktail reception put on by an airline. A whole PR event complete with dinner, an open bar, and a whale show. Yep, I got drunk and had a great time. But when I got home I felt that feeling that eats away at me, a giant hole that I can't fill because it's everywhere. It ends up being a hole of loneliness because I have nothing to come home to. I can ignore it for a while by distracting myself with cocktails, or movies, or whatever, but it never really leaves.
And now I'm burned out on the movie, burned out on my artwork, and trying as hard as I can to not give up on it. It's really the only thing that keeps me going. And it gets more difficult when I have no one to share it with. Man this feels really whiny. But that's how I feel today. Like everything would be better if only I could get away from here, to have something pushing me forward to the next thing, since I can't do it on my own. That's why months ago I asked so many people to keep checking on me, checking on my progress. I have always known that I can't do things on my own, and that sitting at home by myself doing absolutely nothing is all to easy for me to do. I'm a goal oriented person. I thrive on competition. I like having expectations put on me. That's how I stay motivated. And I haven't had any of that all summer. No one asking, no one encouraging. And now I'm almost to the end of what I can do on my own. I haven't done any artwork since Tuesday. And now I have just over 30 days to shoot a film and mount an exhibition and I don't really care anymore. Plus I have to move to my new house in a couple of weeks. And I have another pointless, depressing birthday coming up.
So no, I don't feel like a badass. Not even a sort of badass or quasi-badass. I feel like a loser and I don't know how to fix it or move forward. Badassery would be really nice right now.
And now I'm burned out on the movie, burned out on my artwork, and trying as hard as I can to not give up on it. It's really the only thing that keeps me going. And it gets more difficult when I have no one to share it with. Man this feels really whiny. But that's how I feel today. Like everything would be better if only I could get away from here, to have something pushing me forward to the next thing, since I can't do it on my own. That's why months ago I asked so many people to keep checking on me, checking on my progress. I have always known that I can't do things on my own, and that sitting at home by myself doing absolutely nothing is all to easy for me to do. I'm a goal oriented person. I thrive on competition. I like having expectations put on me. That's how I stay motivated. And I haven't had any of that all summer. No one asking, no one encouraging. And now I'm almost to the end of what I can do on my own. I haven't done any artwork since Tuesday. And now I have just over 30 days to shoot a film and mount an exhibition and I don't really care anymore. Plus I have to move to my new house in a couple of weeks. And I have another pointless, depressing birthday coming up.
So no, I don't feel like a badass. Not even a sort of badass or quasi-badass. I feel like a loser and I don't know how to fix it or move forward. Badassery would be really nice right now.
posted by Ocean | 2:59 PM
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