Manic.
Just another Manic Monday. Visited my professor, which went about as well as expected. It feels like a cat and mouse kind of game that is so pointless I just want to shoot myself. Also had the house inspected, and it needs some minor (but not emergency) repairs. Basically, all is well on that front. I can't wait to move in. Every time I visit, I get a little more excited about the whole thing. I have to say, I'm actually glad that my new house has air conditioning. Not that it's super hot here, but it will be nice to have when it is hot. I went to the liquor store today to get some vodka to infuse, and asked for some boxes, of which they had none. They said to come back tomorrow. I'm getting antsy enough to want to pack all this crap up asap. For some reason, I want to be able to see evidence of my imminent evacuation of this place. Not that this place is bad. It isn't. I'm just ready to move on to the next chapter of my life and start fresh. Plus, this start needs to be extra fresh, since it's the last one I'll have for a very long time.
Anyway, today was a day mostly of errands and chores, so I didn't have to deal so much with the feeling of burnout. I did have some moments of panic because the film isn't nearly funded enough, and interest seems to be non-existent, but I just have to power through that and keep going.
As I was driving to campus today, I realized what an oddity I am. I can't think of a single person who has the same story that I have. I am the only person I know who is my age, who has never had a relationship longer than 9 months long. I'm the only person I know who can't manage to make it work. If I were 23, I would be able to believe those stupid sayings that people say to make you feel better. But I'm not 23, and now I'm practically the embodiment of a spinster. No long term relationships. Nothing significant on the horizon. I am the poster child for failure in relationships. And when I survey all those around me, I find nothing except corroboration. There is no situation that argues against my point, no person that is in my same situation. Frankly, it's pathetic. Pathetic that I should be so inept at something even morons manage to make happen. I have no idea how relationships remain such a kryptonite to my life, and why they should be so impossible for me.
Sometimes I have people tell me how lucky I am to not have to answer to anyone, but I would most likely trade places with that person on any given day. I may not have to answer to anyone, but I also have no one to share things with, no one to help me when things get difficult, no one to take care of me when I need it. Trust me, being alone doesn't even begin to be that awesome. Taking care of myself is so difficult sometimes, I don't even know what to do. The simple tasks: cleaning, groceries, cooking; these would be so much easier if someone was around to share the load. And what about when I get sick? If I were to end up in the hospital? When things go south, it's terrible to be alone. Manic.
Anyway, today was a day mostly of errands and chores, so I didn't have to deal so much with the feeling of burnout. I did have some moments of panic because the film isn't nearly funded enough, and interest seems to be non-existent, but I just have to power through that and keep going.
As I was driving to campus today, I realized what an oddity I am. I can't think of a single person who has the same story that I have. I am the only person I know who is my age, who has never had a relationship longer than 9 months long. I'm the only person I know who can't manage to make it work. If I were 23, I would be able to believe those stupid sayings that people say to make you feel better. But I'm not 23, and now I'm practically the embodiment of a spinster. No long term relationships. Nothing significant on the horizon. I am the poster child for failure in relationships. And when I survey all those around me, I find nothing except corroboration. There is no situation that argues against my point, no person that is in my same situation. Frankly, it's pathetic. Pathetic that I should be so inept at something even morons manage to make happen. I have no idea how relationships remain such a kryptonite to my life, and why they should be so impossible for me.
Sometimes I have people tell me how lucky I am to not have to answer to anyone, but I would most likely trade places with that person on any given day. I may not have to answer to anyone, but I also have no one to share things with, no one to help me when things get difficult, no one to take care of me when I need it. Trust me, being alone doesn't even begin to be that awesome. Taking care of myself is so difficult sometimes, I don't even know what to do. The simple tasks: cleaning, groceries, cooking; these would be so much easier if someone was around to share the load. And what about when I get sick? If I were to end up in the hospital? When things go south, it's terrible to be alone. Manic.
posted by Ocean | 11:13 PM
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