Ditches

Sometimes I think that I missed a turn somewhere during my life. Like something was supposed to happen and I wasn't looking or paying attention and now here I am, hopelessly off course. I have a job that pays nothing, resulting in me having $38 in my checking account with the month less than half over. Sure, I like the job, but I also like eating and having a place to live. And yes, I live in one of the most expensive cities in the country, but I can't do this kind of work just anywhere. I have worked hard to get an education, spent tens of thousands of dollars getting it, and still can't manage to make a decent living with it. Instead I toil away in a semi-glamorous job that is directly related to my education and come home to Ramen noodles and water. And I come home to an empty home. I suppose that being poor is one thing, but being lonely is wholly another. And here I am, alone, facing a weekend with no plans, no companions, no nothing. Is it really supposed to work this way? Where everyone I know seems to find who their looking for, and I end up alone, without anyone. That section of the Sex and the City movie where Carrie sits dejectedly on the couch and then spends 3 days in bed? That's my life in a nutshell. Minus the supportive friends, of course. Yes, I'm without those as well. Here I am, ditched by the latest boy for some unfathomable reason, and there is no one here, no one asking me how I am, no one giving me words of encouragement. So end up having to be everything. I have to be my own bank, I have to be my own company, and I have to be my own support. It's fucking exhausting. It seems unfair that I have to shoulder all of this by myself. No one else has to. Everyone else has something or someone to help them along the way, and I am doing it all and getting nowhere fast. Every time I get ditched, whether it's by a boy or by a friend, my own ditch gets deeper. And it's been such a long time, the ditch is really deep. It's getting to be a chasm. So once it gets deep enough, is there any chance of ever getting out? Maybe I should just ditch all of this.