Monday
What a crappy Monday. I found out today that some friends of mine (a couple) who were supposed to have a baby on Friday actually had it prematurely 12 weeks ago. I haven't kept in close touch with them, so I just found out today. I feel like an asshole. Partially for not keeping in touch, but partially because I left a voice mail yesterday that said something to the effect of "I'm guessing you have a new little rug rat running around..." And now I find out that they've been struggling just to keep him alive since February. I don't know what to say to them, but I feel like I should say something, even though I know very little about it. It also makes me think that I'm never going to be having any kids. This friend is around 38 and has a normal, healthy 2 year old. I don't know if this pregnancy went awry because of her age or because it was just a fluke, but I started thinking that my days are probably numbered. I think today is the first time I've actually thought about the possibility that I won't have the choice to have or have not. Not that I have ever been adamant about it either way, but I don't like having my choices taken away.
Which brings me to my next beef, which is the boy. I've come to the conclusion that he's gone, but I have no idea why. I wish I could point to something I did that would tell me why yet another guy has mysteriously disappeared, but I've gone over the transcripts and there's nothing out there that would be enough to scare someone away. I did say something about preferring it when guys stick around for longer than a month, and that it's nice to have sex with someone more than once, but that doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary. And this new addition to the list only serves to strengthen my belief that men are complete cowards. You don't have the fucking balls to tell me you don't want to see me anymore? Seriously? What do you think is going to happen? Do you think I'm going to go home and slit my wrists and cry or pray to a shrine with candles and your picture? Fuck you. Yes, it will be an awkward conversation and you might feel like an asshole for a couple of days, but in the end, you are the guy that was upfront about the whole thing instead of the guy that was too big of a pussy to tell it like it is.
I also started thinking about how nice it would be to know when it's the last time you're going to talk. I hate the whole guessing game, or the unanswered messages that make me feel like an even bigger idiot than I already do. Just tell me this is the last time, blah blah blah, and I'll make sure not to bother you anymore. And just think, your guilt will subside even more quickly when you aren't being reminded of what an asshole you are. And you are. I am not a psycho, I'm not clingy. I've actually got some things going for me as a person one might hang around with. It seems unfair that idiots manage to find companions and I'm stuck sitting on my couch by myself every night of the week.
I suppose it seems really lame that I'm so concerned with all this. I'm just tired of being by myself all the time. Nothing new. I'd like to have someone to go to a wedding in Napa with me, someone to go to the store for me when I'm sick, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. Just someone to be there that I can depend on, which has been ridiculously difficult to find. So yes, now I'm back to being the pathetic frump that I am. So when's a good time to call me? Whenever. I'll just be sitting on the couch.
And to think I was going to program his number into my phone. I think I'm going to get piss drunk tonight.
Which brings me to my next beef, which is the boy. I've come to the conclusion that he's gone, but I have no idea why. I wish I could point to something I did that would tell me why yet another guy has mysteriously disappeared, but I've gone over the transcripts and there's nothing out there that would be enough to scare someone away. I did say something about preferring it when guys stick around for longer than a month, and that it's nice to have sex with someone more than once, but that doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary. And this new addition to the list only serves to strengthen my belief that men are complete cowards. You don't have the fucking balls to tell me you don't want to see me anymore? Seriously? What do you think is going to happen? Do you think I'm going to go home and slit my wrists and cry or pray to a shrine with candles and your picture? Fuck you. Yes, it will be an awkward conversation and you might feel like an asshole for a couple of days, but in the end, you are the guy that was upfront about the whole thing instead of the guy that was too big of a pussy to tell it like it is.
I also started thinking about how nice it would be to know when it's the last time you're going to talk. I hate the whole guessing game, or the unanswered messages that make me feel like an even bigger idiot than I already do. Just tell me this is the last time, blah blah blah, and I'll make sure not to bother you anymore. And just think, your guilt will subside even more quickly when you aren't being reminded of what an asshole you are. And you are. I am not a psycho, I'm not clingy. I've actually got some things going for me as a person one might hang around with. It seems unfair that idiots manage to find companions and I'm stuck sitting on my couch by myself every night of the week.
I suppose it seems really lame that I'm so concerned with all this. I'm just tired of being by myself all the time. Nothing new. I'd like to have someone to go to a wedding in Napa with me, someone to go to the store for me when I'm sick, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. Just someone to be there that I can depend on, which has been ridiculously difficult to find. So yes, now I'm back to being the pathetic frump that I am. So when's a good time to call me? Whenever. I'll just be sitting on the couch.
And to think I was going to program his number into my phone. I think I'm going to get piss drunk tonight.
posted by Ocean | 5:54 PM
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