Skeptical

I started my chemical regimen today. Earlier I was getting sleepy, so I tried to balance it with caffeine, and now I feel kind of shaky and jittery. I need to go to bed soon, and I'm hoping that will be possible. I have to work in the morning, but not really early. Just kind of early. I made a resolution of sorts today that I don't want to procrastinate on the next paper (due in 3 weeks) like I did on the last one. I'd like to work more too, but I don't really have control over that, so we'll see if it happens. I also have to get cracking on the movie, so I need to organize those thoughts.

Today I got talked into buying new tires for my car, and although I can feel the difference now, I still am not happy about the 268 dollars that went on my credit card. I found myself outside Discount Tires trying to fight back tears, as this is just one more thing that I can't really afford but don't have a choice about. Earlier today I was going through my bills and adding up rent, credit card, cable, credit card, electricity, and student loans. That doesn't even count eating and paying for gas. and doesn't even begin to touch the movie costs. I found out today that the necklace that was made for my movie is saleable. It was in an art show a couple of weeks ago, and apparently, the artist was approached by several people about possibly buying it, which he said they would have to ask me, because he wasn't sure if I was willing to part with it. And the fact is, I'm not even sure if I want to sell it. But at the same time, I'm not sure I can afford NOT to sell it. How much can I get for it? What is it worth as a piece of art? What is it worth to me? If I keep it, what would I DO with it? If someone bought it, what would they think THEY would do with it? It's not really wearable, but it is freaking cool. I suppose it boils down to how much it's worth. Five hundred isn't nearly enough. A thousand starts to be worth it. Five covers the rest of my movie. How much would you pay for it, if you had money for buying art?

Today I also saw Dr. Evil in passing, and he very quickly said hello, which I sort of responded to, but not really. And it bothered me, and that bothers me. I hate seeing him, hate thinking about him. When I see him, I have the immediate reaction of anger, but then the secondary reaction that I really miss the way we used to talk and be close and now it's gone forever, with no one to take that place. I guess there's a part of me that wishes I could have that relationship with him again, but there's a bigger part of me that wishes I could have that kind of relationship with someone else, because I really don't think I can ever trust him again. And I don't think I could ever forgive him, because whenever I would talk to him, I would always be thinking about what he did to me and how he wrote me off as if I were nothing and nobody to him, and how what I thought I had with him was really just a sham.

So anyway, today wasn't such a great day. I'm hoping the chemicals will help me in the future, although I'm a bit skeptical. I'm also hoping tomorrow will be better, but tomorrow is a work day, so I'm skeptical about that. I'm skeptical that anyone is really serious about buying the necklace, and I'm skeptical that I'll ever be normal again.