Passion
Tomorrow I am definitely going to the beach. I didn't have time to go today, and it was beautiful out. Maybe that was why I spent most of the day annoyed. Annoyed because he's not doing what I want, and he won't listen to anything I say, so it's pointless to even try to communicate. So we don't.
On the brighter side, I'm starting to feel a little bit like a person again, or at least my own person. I'm still a person with no true blue friends that I get to see every day, but I have a couple of good on the phone friends, and that is just going to have to be enough for now. I try to be creative about things I can do to keep busy, but I'm running out of things. I have a short attention span, and I can only do certain things for a certain amount of time before I need something else to occupy my every thought. I've found that the difficulty in finding people to hang out with lies in the fact that the majority of people I know have real jobs, meaning they aren't available during those lazy daylight hours and they go to bed early. Plus, they go out on the weekends, when I am usually working. Most of the people I know are also not single, which means they have no interest in going to a club to get a little crazy and see what happens. While I am an independent person, going to a club alone just seems pathetic and depressing, and chances are I would end up being that person sitting at the end of the bar hunched over a drink watching the ice in it melt. I can do that at home (and sometimes I do).
Anyway, I've been trying to be creative about things I can do by myself, but it gets hard after a while. And sometimes you just need someone to talk to while you do stuff. I'm running out of stuff to do anyway. And the arts and crafts will only hold out for so long. At least the weather is getting better, so the beach is starting to become a daily option to keep myself busy. I guess I just need to find something to be passionate about. For such a long time, the thing I was passionate about was a person, and now he's wrestled my passion away from me and ripped it up into a million tiny pieces. So I have to figure out how to put it back together and apply it to something that won't destroy it so thoroughly. Because ennui and melancholy are the only things that fill that void. And anger too, I guess.
So I only know how to be passionately angry. It sucks.
On the brighter side, I'm starting to feel a little bit like a person again, or at least my own person. I'm still a person with no true blue friends that I get to see every day, but I have a couple of good on the phone friends, and that is just going to have to be enough for now. I try to be creative about things I can do to keep busy, but I'm running out of things. I have a short attention span, and I can only do certain things for a certain amount of time before I need something else to occupy my every thought. I've found that the difficulty in finding people to hang out with lies in the fact that the majority of people I know have real jobs, meaning they aren't available during those lazy daylight hours and they go to bed early. Plus, they go out on the weekends, when I am usually working. Most of the people I know are also not single, which means they have no interest in going to a club to get a little crazy and see what happens. While I am an independent person, going to a club alone just seems pathetic and depressing, and chances are I would end up being that person sitting at the end of the bar hunched over a drink watching the ice in it melt. I can do that at home (and sometimes I do).
Anyway, I've been trying to be creative about things I can do by myself, but it gets hard after a while. And sometimes you just need someone to talk to while you do stuff. I'm running out of stuff to do anyway. And the arts and crafts will only hold out for so long. At least the weather is getting better, so the beach is starting to become a daily option to keep myself busy. I guess I just need to find something to be passionate about. For such a long time, the thing I was passionate about was a person, and now he's wrestled my passion away from me and ripped it up into a million tiny pieces. So I have to figure out how to put it back together and apply it to something that won't destroy it so thoroughly. Because ennui and melancholy are the only things that fill that void. And anger too, I guess.
So I only know how to be passionately angry. It sucks.
posted by Ocean | 10:58 PM
1 Comments:
Sorry I've been out of touch. It has been an extremely tough week. My aunt Faye died (the one that always made the comments about your pictures of the San Fran trip) and I've had the flu.
Will you be available to talk during the day Friday? If so, let me know a good time to call.
Hugs.
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