Cuba

Yes, it's another holiday alone. Awesome. The boy is supposedly working tonight, but also said his mom is in town all weekend, so he's pretty much off the hook. Not that I don't believe him, but it's as if I haven't existed since the last time I saw him, which was Monday. I'm not really even sure what's up with him; whether or not this is the beginning of a relationship or just a fling for a couple of weeks. The other night he was debating whether or not to watch Star Wars and drink with his roommates or hang out with me. And he was already at my house. Hmm.

Haven't spoken to the old boy. However, my mom asked me what I was doing for Halloween, and I said nothing. She said "You two (referring to him) should get together and watch some scary movies." Jeezus Mom, let it go. You met him once. Over two years ago. And he has a "girlfriend" when he feels like it and has been a huge a-hole to me since his mom got out of the hospital. When things are fine, I don't matter. But what else is new? That's the way of it. He's not the only one to treat me that way.

On a side note, his girl is claiming that her costume is a 'sexy cowgirl'. Wouldn't that mean that she would have to be sexy to start? She might be a cow and a girl, but sexy is something she is not. I've seen the costume on a truly sexy woman. She was blonde and training to be a firefighter. She had a flat stomach and hot legs. This girl is not even close. She has cankles. It almost makes me want to throw up to think of her in anything 'sexy'. The less skin she shows, the better. Maybe I'll suggest next year's costume is as a Yemenese woman. Full Burka. Save us all the trouble. I want to throw up from too much alcohol, not her pasty grossness. At least when I say I'm going as something sexy, it's the truth. Penalties for lying should be much worse than they are. Seriously.

So anyway, my relationship is in question. I'm not sure what the deal is. Truth be told, I'm struggling a little bit with the idea of not being single. Old habits, you know. I'm also struggling with school. I don't want to be there. I don't care about it. My job is great, but I don't make enough money to live. On the upside, I really am going to Havana. Maybe I'll find a hot Brazilian to make me wish I never have to leave the island. And give me drinks and feed me things wrapped in banana leaves and dance the mambo or samba or lambada or whatever it is they do over there. Don't be surprised if I run off with some latin guy. I have no reason not to. Plus I recently saw a study that said that latin men are the best lovers. And Italians. But they're really hairy, so I'll go with the latins.

On the downside, I'll be here for turkey day and Jesus day. And New Year's. Because of Havana. And because I can't afford to go anywhere. The new boy will be away for the holidays (if he's even still talking to me) and I don't really have any friends here, especially since the other boys 'girl' will still be here making SD an uglier place. I'm not sure what I'm going to do to make sure I don't end up bawling and drunk on those days. If I had money, I'd go somewhere and treat myself to something special, but seeing as how Arby's is splurging, that's not going to happen.

On another, much repeated note, how did I end up this way? 34, single, no real job, no income, no respect, no friends, no nothing. I thought I had personality, talent, smarts, humor. All that stuff. And here I am. I'm not picky. I just want someone who knows not to belch in my presence, knows how to read, and has a job. Everything else is negotiable. I don't work out. That's probably my biggest sin. But I'm still in better shape than Cankles. Most of the people my age are married. Have kids. Jobs. Everything. And I have nothing. I have a trip to Cuba.

Equidistant

So we consummated things yesterday. It was weird. And good, I guess. I guess now I'm in a relationship. I'm seeing someone. How weird is that? Last night he used to word "equidistant". I said I was probably closer to his parents' age than his and he said "No, you're actually equidistant." Who says that? It was funny. Anyway, even though he acts cool and aloof all the time, I think he likes me. We'll see where this goes.

Oh, and I'm going to Havana.

Mama's Boys

So I hung out with the boy today (the young one) before he went to work. His idea. No drinking; he said his liver needed a rest. So I was completely sober and hanging out and he's still okay. He uses words like incorrigible and extraordinary in regular conversation. Who does that? English majors, that's who. I, on the other hand, used the term 'kickin it'. It's not that I don't know big words, it's just that I learned a long time ago that using them in everyday situations doesn't tend to attract people. Of either sex. They start thinking you're pompous and full of yourself and don't want to talk to you. Idiomatic language is much more comfortable. Even if it's incorrect. Although I still refuse to utter the word 'addicting', unless I'm using it as a gerund. That's right, I said gerund. I'm just as pretentious as the best of them.

Anyway, back to the boy. So he knows he has to go to work, and waits till about 30 minutes before he has to leave to start making out, then gets frustrated when we don't have sex. He thinks I'm having some sort of thoughts. I guess I am, but not the thoughts he thinks. I'm thinking: he has to go to work soon, we better not get too far into this because I'd really like it if our first time wasn't a cheap race against the clock quickie. I want to have plenty of time to really see what happens and then not have him race out the door as soon as it's over. There's plenty of time for that later. It has also occurred to me recently that he probably thinks I'm a lot more umm...sexually forward than I really am because I'm older and very bossy in real life. Not so, dear boy. I'm still as demure and mysteriously ambivalent as any practicing catholic girl. But guilt isn't my problem. Relationships are my problem. How weird is it to enter into a relationship with someone that you are 99% sure will never in a million years amount to anything? Liking him is not the problem, life is. He's going to end up in a good grad school, and I'll still be doing whatever it is I do to stay afloat.

Today he casually mentioned that his parents were in college during the 80's, and the first thing that popped into my head was that I am closer to their age than his. I wonder how they would feel about their precious snowflake dating his (former) teacher who happens to be 13 years older than he is. They wouldn't even let him eat school lunch as a kid, I can't imagine they'd be cool with me twisting his little brain.

Oh, and then there's the other dude. The one I haven't been able to shake for four years. Being around this guy is the closest I've ever come. I wish he'd been around 6 months ago. I don't think about the other guy when he's around, but when I'm alone it still happens. And now I have to make that conscious choice that will prevent me from being a cheater. Or at the very least some kind of ho. Maybe that's the point of all this. I shack up with a young buck for a few months so I can forget about the impossible relationship and finally move on for real.

Just please, no mama's boys. I've had my fill of those.

Friday. Saturday.

It's Friday. Wait, Saturday. I'm on the couch in a towel. I just took a hot bath. Now I'm doing this and listening Ani and others. 32 Flavors. Indeed I am. Maybe more. Maybe less. I'm stressed about my life. Looking for a direction that isn't going to lead to the destitute life I currently lead. I'm thinking about dropping out of school. That argument I had with myself isn't as heated as it used to be. What good will finishing do me? Other than force my parents to come out here for the second time ever to see me.

Still don't know what's up with the new boy. We've hung out a few times. We finally made out. A bunch. Still haven't had sex. I find that I feel like I have to be careful. Like back in 7th grade when I tried to measure all my words before I said them to test to see if people could make fun of me. For some reason I feel like I have something to prove to this guy. I'm not sure what I would have to prove. I guess I just feel like he expects a certain level of something from me since he knew me in an entirely different arena six months ago, and I have to keep it up. I can't be moody or emotional or girly or occasionally dingy. I have to always be the same independent, sardonic, no bullshit mature woman I was at school. But the truth is, that's just the persona I had to adopt so students wouldn't give me shit. So they would pay attention. I really am just a moody girl that wants to be protected for a while. It also feels like I have to be careful about how quickly this moves along. Maybe that's why we haven't slept together. Once that happens, things change. Not that it didn't change when I was naked in my bed and we were making out and so on.

He likes to talk. About everything. Even the situation between us. He's actually really smart. He never says stupid stuff. Which is a lot of pressure on me to be the same. His brain never shuts off. I'm only a part time intellectual. He's committed to the bit. I have no idea where this is going. But I do know this: it's Friday (Saturday) and we aren't hanging out. We're still on the once a week schedule, which is actually fine. I'm just not sure how much to talk to him. I don't know where the boundaries are. I'm often misunderstood as being either too aloof or too dependent, when the reality is that I'm usually somewhere in between. I'm trying not to mess this up since he's the first guy in a while that I felt was really cool. Even if it's clear that the whole relationship thing can only go so far. I'm willing to ride it out for a while. At the very least, it has the potential to keep me out of trouble with other people. They know who they are.

Burned Out

I am officially burned out. I was at school today and was just really unhappy about it. Didn't want to be there. Started to get really angry. All this time I thought I liked school. I don't want to do any more work, read any more articles, write any more papers, pay any more tuition. None of it. I just want to have a normal life like other people my age, if that's even possible. But then I get even more irritated. I can't quit school. I can't afford to. Because I can't afford to pay my student loans. I barely make a living. I live month to month on a paycheck that seems to get stretched a little further every day. I can't get another job because I'm in school. I have no insurance. No 401K. Nothing. And then today I got another bill from the university for $240 that's due in two weeks. Thanks, you fuckers. Thanks for giving me plenty of time to pay your tuition hike. Especially since I'll have to pay next semester's tuition in about a month anyway. Assholes. Apparently they think I'm made of money, and they're holding my education hostage until I pay up. It's not tuition, it's ransom. Fuckers. GOD I HATE SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY!

So that's the whole ridiculous situation. Can't afford school. Can't afford to quit. Can't make more money. I've been wondering why I haven't been making any new work, or felt compelled to finish what I started. I just want it to all go away. I want to be a normal person with a normal job and normal friends. But instead I'm broke and stuck where I am without some major sacrifice to my education or my credit rating or my career. My mom would tell me to get a roommate. Which I suppose is a decent suggestion. Except that I don't have room for another person. At least not right now. And I didn't have much luck the last time I looked for a roommate. It is terrible to feel like you have no control over the important things in your life. Things it seems you should have control over. Money. School. Home. I have control over none of those things right now. At least that's how it seems.

On a side note, my work is holding a check for $500 that I really need right now. I was supposed to give them some DVD files in order to get the check, which I did, and still no check. I want to scream a big fat WTF. It's my money; I want it now! But I'm trying not to piss anybody off at the moment. Mostly because the person holding my check thinks I'm hoarding all our interns. I do what my boss tells me.

Anyway, I'm irritated. And burned out.

Busy

I was going to call you again on Saturday, but then decided against it. I figured it would seem weird since I had already left you a message. I assume you would call me back when you get a chance. I'm sure you're busy.

I think it's weird that Party City is advertising their Halloween Costumes by using Thriller as the music. It seems somewhat tasteless. Unless MJ actually is a zombie. Then it would be kind of funny. Or ironic. I thought today about what to be for Halloween, and made no decisions. Mother Nature seemed like a good choice. Or Midori from Guitar Hero. How fun would that be? The truth is that I don't really want to put too much work into it since I'll probably have nothing to do anyway. My friends suck, and I don't see how that would change anytime in the next 2 weeks. It's just sad to get all dressed up and have nowhere to go.

So I went on another date with the young guy. We totally made out this time. And then he left. Hmm. Yeah, he seems totally interested. In his defense, he did say he had to leave because if he stayed he wouldn't get any sleep. Because a)it was too hot b)I was nekkit. Generally acceptable excuses, but I still told like it when they leave in the middle of the night. I'm still not sure what to think of the whole situation. It was great to make out and stuff, but my heart isn't really in it. But I kind of want to roll with it and see what happens. He doesn't seem to want anything too serious, and I need a distraction. I think we are sort of on the same page about things, even though we haven't gotten into specifics. He's definitely not hooked or anything. Maybe just intrigued. As strange as it sounds, I feel like I have to be at least a little bit careful since he knows a lot of people that I would prefer don't know stuff about me (i.e. what I look like naked, how I kiss, the sounds I make when I'm really happy, etc). That would not be very cool. And it would just be awkward.

I also feel like a cougar, even though someone recently told me what constitutes cougarism:
1. a fancy car
2. a divorce
3. a kid
4. fake boobs
5. fake nails

Not all those things, but at least a majority. Maybe I'm just not a trashy cougar.

I'm going to make an attempt to not talk about the other boy for 30 days. I know all my friends are tired of hearing about him, and I am tired of talking about him. Plus I'm going to try to not talk to him or worry about the whole situation anymore. Easier said than done, but I have to start somewhere. It's also he same every time we talk. Nothing new ever happens.

Anyway, I hope you are having fun doing whatever it is that is keeping you busy.

Weird Sights

Weird things I saw today:

1. A guy walking through campus with a girl, reached into his bag while talking to some girl and said "You want a tomato?" to her.

2. An old guy in a Raiders jacket yelling at the meat at the grocery store. Not the butcher, the meat. About messing up his heart. He also almost ran me over with is cart.

Monday

It's been an oddly quiet evening. One where I thought maybe something would happen and nothing did. I almost called the old guy, but decided not to. Decided not to call him again. See how long it takes him to call me, and when that will be, and why.

Young boy is apparently up for more of my ridiculousness; he wants to hang out later this week. That's great, but I don't know how much longer I can go without so much as a peck on the cheek. I need physical attention as well as other kinds.

On another note, I don't really like school anymore. I just want to go to my job and do that and not worry about other stuff. No homework, no papers, no more artwork, blah blah blah. I just want to be able to come home and veg out like most normal people. I hate having stuff to do when I come home, and I end up putting it off because I just don't feel like it.

Anyway, it's Monday night. I tried to call you. Tried to call Cheryl. Tried to call my disappointing friend. No one called back. The boy didn't call. The young boy didn't call, either. Another night alone. But what else is new, right?

It's complicated...

So as it turns out, I am able to make huge drama without even trying. And in the end, I'm the giant asshole somehow. Who knew? Plus, it seems that I may have sabotaged the flirtation with the young guy because of my own stupidity and weakness. Ok, so here's the story.

Young guy and I hung out that first time, and had a great time. Nothing happened. We didn't even kiss. Not even on the cheek. So he says he wants to go see this scary movie, so I say okay, sure. Plans have been made. So I go through my week, and one night old guy (aka 'the boy') calls me and announces he's coming over. And so he comes over, moves my wine fridge for me, and we hang out. It's clear that he's feeling frisky, as evidenced by the giant bruise above my knee from when he leaned over and bit me while we were sitting on the couch talking. Then there are the two smaller bruises a bit higher up. But I digress. So needless to say, things progress as usual and we go to bed, fool around, then go to sleep. Then when he wakes up in the morning, we do it, then he goes to work. Nothing really out of the ordinary, and I go on with my day. I'm actually looking forward to going to the movie with the young guy that night. So we meet up with another couple he's friends with, and as it turns out, the movie is sold out. We would have gone to a bar, but the other girl was only 19 (I forgot about the drama of not having valid ID-yuck), so we go to a late night restaurant that serves alcohol and just hang out. When we leave, young guy comes over to the house. We hang out on the couch for a while and then go to bed. And it's the same thing all over again. Nothing happens. No kissing, no nakedness, just laying there talking for a while and then sleep. So far so good, right?

Then morning comes. He wakes up and asks me the time, which is about an hour before I have to get up for work. He gets up, goes in the bathroom, and I'm still pretty groggy. Then he comes out, says he's leaving, and takes off. Really?, I say. Yep. Well, okay. And before he leaves he says this: You know where I live if you want to hang out again. Umm, okay. You know you are in my house right now, right?

Anyway, he leaves and I go back to sleep. When I wake up again, I'm still mystified as to why he bolted so quickly and so early in the morning. So I lay there for a minute, then roll over to his side of the bed and look over the side. Then I see something. Amidst a couple of pillows on the floor are old guy's underwear. Yep. Fuck. I feel like an asshole. I had no idea. Old guy never mentioned that he left them. I was completely caught unawares. What does one do in this situation? How to manage damage control?

So I send him(young guy) an email asking if he's okay. Pretend I have no idea. Maybe he didn't see. Maybe he doesn't care. I don't know. He sends me a message back that he wanted to get out of my way before I had to get up for work. Okay....somewhat plausible...I guess I'll just roll with that and see what happens. If he never speaks to me again, I guess I'll know my answer. It sucks how stupidly it happened, though.

But I can't help but being kind of ticked at old guy, since he managed to prevent me from dating someone else, and this happened to be someone I really liked and could have tried something with (no kissing weirdness aside). It's like he's mastered some sort of subversive sabotage that takes little to no effort to accomplish. Truth be told, yes, I am a ho for sleeping with him at all, much less the night before the date, but even if it had been several nights it probably would have still happened. I never go to that side of the bed, so the offending garments would have lain there indefinitely regardless of if or when I ever had another date. But he assumes that there's not a possibility of there being anyone else in my bed, and that it isn't necessary to tell me he left his undergarments in my house. If the shoe was on the other foot and I had left mine at his house for some other girl to find, he would be livid. That girl would freak out and they would have a giant throwdown and I would be pegged as the villain. And here he is, ruining my chances for normalcy without even a heads up.

But anyway, that's it. I can walk around with bruises all over my thighs and no one will notice (arms and neck raise suspicions, but not legs for some reason). One pair of underwear on my floor and it's all over. Plus I become a terrible person. All because I have a weakness for someone who makes my life complicated. Ugh.

Officially Nuts

It's official. I'm nuts. My brain is not working. I'm planning on going to see some horror movie on Thursday with the baby boy, and I hate horror movies. I just want to know what's up with this guy. Is he interested or not? Which I suppose is irrelevant in the end, because I was in 8th grade when he was born. He has no idea who Alfonso Ribiero is. Yes, it's true. Anyway, back to me being crazy. There's this new guy that is good looking and smart and possibly interested in me and I like him. I keep thinking about him and how I really want to get laid and wonder what I'm supposed to do here. And I also keep thinking about how a relationship with him would never work. He's too young and I'm too far gone for him to catch up. I want to get married and have kids and he's 21. But I still feel like it's worth the trip. I don't think he's psycho like the wolfman was. And then there is the other thing, where I can't stop thinking about the other boy who is constantly jerking me around and pissing me off. When I said he was acting funny the other day, I wasn't kidding. He has been ignoring me since then, which means the girl is in town, which makes him a huge d-bag. He had a perfect chance to tell me and he didn't, so now I'm ten times more annoyed than I would have been otherwise. So to break it down: two dudes. no answers.

But if I manage to keep hanging out with the baby boy, at least I won't have to go places by myself anymore.

The List

Add one more to the list. One more guy from my past who says "Man I should have dated you when I had the chance. What an idiot I was." It should make me feel better, but it really doesn't. Especially since that seems to be the story of my life. All sorts of dudes who have 20/20 hindsight. Awesome. That really helps me out. I don't feel lonely anymore. It's the thought that counts, right? So now I can continue with my life thinking that there's this whole stable of men who think I was great way back when, and are kicking themselves now that it's "too late". But it's only too late because they moved on and got married and had kids and started some sort of life, not because I'm no longer available. How pathetic is that? Everyone else has moved on and I'm still the geeky girl with glasses that I was in high school. I haven't gone anywhere. Haven't learned anything. Haven't done anything.

And so now I'm stuck on a guy who has been jerking me around for the last years and a guy who is 12 years younger than me, who has no interest in marriage or kids. Not that I blame him. 21 is too young to be thinking about that stuff. He's actually normal. It's me who's the freak.

I saw the boy's mom today. She mentioned that his girl was coming to town today. That explains why he was acting funny the other day. It's almost humorous: I can see right through him, and yet I'm somehow not in his inner circle of whatever you want to call it. I'm like the wife who knows everything, and yet I'm as far from a wife as you could possibly get. If a wife has an opposite, it would be me. I wish there was something I could do to change things. But there's really nothing.

No word from the new guy. Not surprising. I'm crazy and he's not. Patience is not one of my best traits.

October

I never got your card. Did you mail it? I may have gone on a date last night, but I'm not sure. I went to meet someone for a beer. Oddly enough, he was a student last semester and ended up on my facebook and blah blah blah. So we have some beers, talk, go back to his house, have a few more beers, and I spent the night. And nothing happened. At all. We slept in his bed with all our clothes on. When I left this morning, he gave me a hug and said 'let's get together next week'. Okay, sure. Is that a date? It was a fun time. Talking, drinking, all that stuff. We didn't go to sleep until almost 6am. So here's the part that will make you laugh: he's 21. Yes, really.

I ran into the boy yesterday when I was visiting his mom at the hospital. I tried to leave before he got there, but he showed up earlier than I expected. I can't really describe how, but he was acting kind of funny. When I left, he walked me out. I thought he had something to say, but he didn't. Just the regular stuff. It was odd. Another odd thing: when I was talking to his mom (when I was the only one there), she said she wished her kids had turned out better. So I said, well, they turned out fine. And she said "You really think so? What's so good about them?" I was completely unprepared to defend her sons to her, especially since one of them has been jerking me around for the last four years and I'm really bad at pretending everything is perfect in those situations. So I told her neither one of them was in jail or breaking the law or killing people, so that was a plus. That was as far as I could go. It seems like she has a talent for talking about exactly what I'm unprepared to talk about. I'm almost convinced that she knows what's going on and I'm waiting for her to confront me about it. Anyway, it was a strange visit.

On a side note, I think I might have something wrong with my elbow. There's a little spot on the back that really hurts. I thought maybe it was a scratch or a bug bite or something, but I think it's actually something inside. Like maybe a bone chip or something. It's a sharp pain that hurts to the touch. It's fine as long as nothing puts pressure on it. I just noticed it this morning, but I don't remember anything happening to it.

Finally talked to my brother the other day. He's pretty much the same as always, so he seems to be back to normal. You'll be glad to know that when he called me, the first thing he did was pretend to have brain damage. Just like him. He also made me talk to his girlfriend, who I've NEVER met, which was a little awkward, especially since the only two things I know about her are that she works at a grocery store and she has a grandkid.

It's October. Thought you should know.