Friday. Saturday.

It's Friday. Wait, Saturday. I'm on the couch in a towel. I just took a hot bath. Now I'm doing this and listening Ani and others. 32 Flavors. Indeed I am. Maybe more. Maybe less. I'm stressed about my life. Looking for a direction that isn't going to lead to the destitute life I currently lead. I'm thinking about dropping out of school. That argument I had with myself isn't as heated as it used to be. What good will finishing do me? Other than force my parents to come out here for the second time ever to see me.

Still don't know what's up with the new boy. We've hung out a few times. We finally made out. A bunch. Still haven't had sex. I find that I feel like I have to be careful. Like back in 7th grade when I tried to measure all my words before I said them to test to see if people could make fun of me. For some reason I feel like I have something to prove to this guy. I'm not sure what I would have to prove. I guess I just feel like he expects a certain level of something from me since he knew me in an entirely different arena six months ago, and I have to keep it up. I can't be moody or emotional or girly or occasionally dingy. I have to always be the same independent, sardonic, no bullshit mature woman I was at school. But the truth is, that's just the persona I had to adopt so students wouldn't give me shit. So they would pay attention. I really am just a moody girl that wants to be protected for a while. It also feels like I have to be careful about how quickly this moves along. Maybe that's why we haven't slept together. Once that happens, things change. Not that it didn't change when I was naked in my bed and we were making out and so on.

He likes to talk. About everything. Even the situation between us. He's actually really smart. He never says stupid stuff. Which is a lot of pressure on me to be the same. His brain never shuts off. I'm only a part time intellectual. He's committed to the bit. I have no idea where this is going. But I do know this: it's Friday (Saturday) and we aren't hanging out. We're still on the once a week schedule, which is actually fine. I'm just not sure how much to talk to him. I don't know where the boundaries are. I'm often misunderstood as being either too aloof or too dependent, when the reality is that I'm usually somewhere in between. I'm trying not to mess this up since he's the first guy in a while that I felt was really cool. Even if it's clear that the whole relationship thing can only go so far. I'm willing to ride it out for a while. At the very least, it has the potential to keep me out of trouble with other people. They know who they are.