Still 2 Hands
I'm tired of seeing people kiss on tv. It's really getting annoying. I'm also tired of seeing everyone on tv getting paired up, as if only fat ugly losers who might actually be serial killers are single.
I saw a teaser for the news about how some lady robbed a chocolate store. The first thing that popped into my head was 'give the lady a break. It could have been me.'
I heard a car accident at work today. It doesn't look like anyone was hurt. Maybe I suck, but what I thought was 'there's someone who is more miserable right now than me.'
I keep thinking I should do some situps and get into some kind of shape, but then I think, 'what's the point? No one sees me naked anyway.'
I thought about moving home for longer than 5 minutes today. Yikes.
It also occurred to me that if something happened to me and I was in the hospital, I would have very few visitors. And that person that stays by your side and keeps coming every day to visit you when you're laid up, well, I don't have one. I would be laying in a hospital bed staring at the ceiling in silence.
Yes, I'm depressed. No I don't like it. I hate it. Mostly because I hate that I have to pretend to be my usual self all the time because no one knows how fucked up I am. But because I have a hard time shutting up, I end up saying things that give me away, but everyone is still too unconcerned to catch on. It's like I'm invisible. I thought about therapy again today, but then I realized that's just a waste of time. My problem isn't mental. No therapist has a magic answer for how to not want to be alone forever, because that would be unnatural. And the older I get, the more hollow their bullshit of 'just wait and see' or 'think positive' or 'work on you first' or 'it's out there' starts to sound. If there was some sort of magic bullet, I would have found it by now. But instead I keep finding people in my life that have no problem abandoning me. Some of them seem to enjoy it. I never thought I was so forgettable. But the people I get close to end up making me realize that I am just a blip on the radar. Thanks, guys.
On the upside, talk of Cuba came up at work again today. Hopefully I'll have a concrete answer in a couple of weeks. Then I'll just have to concentrate on hanging on to my hands...
I saw a teaser for the news about how some lady robbed a chocolate store. The first thing that popped into my head was 'give the lady a break. It could have been me.'
I heard a car accident at work today. It doesn't look like anyone was hurt. Maybe I suck, but what I thought was 'there's someone who is more miserable right now than me.'
I keep thinking I should do some situps and get into some kind of shape, but then I think, 'what's the point? No one sees me naked anyway.'
I thought about moving home for longer than 5 minutes today. Yikes.
It also occurred to me that if something happened to me and I was in the hospital, I would have very few visitors. And that person that stays by your side and keeps coming every day to visit you when you're laid up, well, I don't have one. I would be laying in a hospital bed staring at the ceiling in silence.
Yes, I'm depressed. No I don't like it. I hate it. Mostly because I hate that I have to pretend to be my usual self all the time because no one knows how fucked up I am. But because I have a hard time shutting up, I end up saying things that give me away, but everyone is still too unconcerned to catch on. It's like I'm invisible. I thought about therapy again today, but then I realized that's just a waste of time. My problem isn't mental. No therapist has a magic answer for how to not want to be alone forever, because that would be unnatural. And the older I get, the more hollow their bullshit of 'just wait and see' or 'think positive' or 'work on you first' or 'it's out there' starts to sound. If there was some sort of magic bullet, I would have found it by now. But instead I keep finding people in my life that have no problem abandoning me. Some of them seem to enjoy it. I never thought I was so forgettable. But the people I get close to end up making me realize that I am just a blip on the radar. Thanks, guys.
On the upside, talk of Cuba came up at work again today. Hopefully I'll have a concrete answer in a couple of weeks. Then I'll just have to concentrate on hanging on to my hands...
posted by Ocean | 12:42 AM
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