Labor Pains

Have your ever felt like your life is falling apart? I'm guessing not. It seems like it happens all the time to me. Or at least it's happening again. I have to admit it's been a while since I've felt this out of control. This desperate. I just moved. I don't know where anything is. I still get lost going home. Mostly when I'm spacing out. School just started. I feel overwhelmed. Papers to write, lectures to go to, reading, all that stuff. I have a film series that just opened last week, and another one opening next week. It's also been very hot. And not in a good way.

But the worst was Labor Day. The boy came over, and everything was the same as usual. Same fun, same levity. Drinks. Conversation. Movies. Flirtation. Same as always. And then something happened. I was kind of drunk (ok really drunk), so I don't really know what triggered everything, but suddenly he was telling me he was going to leave (we were both in my bedroom and naked and in bed) and I freaked out and started bawling and begging him not to leave. Yes, begging. And yes, bawling. Somehow I got him to stay. I can't be sure of exactly everything we talked about, but I know I started spewing verbal vomit about everything that's been bothering me for the last few weeks (and four years). Funny thing about drinking; it doesn't prevent me from telling the absolute truth, but it does prevent me from saying things in the most elegant manner. I would have preferred to mention my thoughts to him in a much more controlled manner without the tears and the drama. And there are some things that I'm not sure if I actually said or just thought, which is troubling. But I really wish I knew what set me off from happy and laughing to blubbering like a lunatic.

And in the morning, there was some fooling around. Initiated by him. I have to admit that it's a great way to wake up, but when he starts something and then doesn't want to finish it, I can't help but be perplexed and frustrated. Especially given the events of only a few hours before. I haven't spoken to him since. He called the next day, but didn't leave a message. We had talked about going to a function together tonight, but I didn't go and didn't speak with him about it, so clearly it didn't happen. I'm guessing he went anyway, but who knows.

At this point, it's difficult to say much of anything without spiraling into self-indulgent feeling sorry for myself-ness, but I also have to face the facts. I'm getting older. I have a birthday coming up that I have no desire to celebrate. What is there to be happy about? I've only ever wanted one thing in my life; to have someone care about me as much as I care about them, to share my life with someone, and that is the only thing that I have never been able to even come close to having. I think it's fair to say that I have been fully trampled by numerous people in a way that has left me permanently damaged. I also think it's fair to say that because of my track record, chances are that I will be alone for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. I wish I could get used to the idea. But I've never liked being alone. Not even a little bit. I started making a list of people who left me for someone else or married the very next person, and the list is damning. It consists of over a dozen people who either cared nothing for me or lied outright to me about their intentions and affections. Once that is taken into account, plus my age, it is difficult to imagine that the rest of my life will be any different. I'm reaching an age where I am no longer physically desirable, and in my experience, that has been the only lure I have. Spare me the 'your personality is so great' speech. If that were enough, I wouldn't be in this predicament. I would be like most women my age: married, with kids, enjoying my life. Instead I have to spend every day alone, fighting for myself because no one else is around to help me. Not even friends.

So there's the other crux. I recently discovered I don't really have any friends anymore. I used to feel like I had people around me that would be there for me, but here I am, with all this drama, my brother recently out of the hospital ICU, and no one to talk to. Not a fucking soul. I tried desperately to talk to a friend of mine, and she has repeatedly put me off, claiming that she is 'busy'. My other friend moved to Philly, so she's pretty much out. My other friend recently had a meltdown at work and has repeatedly left me hanging, so I can't really go to her either. So now I have no one else to turn to. Being alone sucks. It appears that the boy actually WAS the best friend I had, and now I can't talk to him because I got in my own way. And I seriously doubt he is ever going to talk to me again. And he probably shouldn't, given my inherent weakness for him. The weakness that we have for each other.

I don't know what else to say. Except that this has been a very difficult week. A very lonely week. It has brought back a familiar feeling that I haven't experienced for a couple of years, but is something that I am trying very hard to fight against. I'm not a fatalist. I believe in options. But it has been very difficult to think about how to repair myself from this point on. How to still maintain the life I had and not have him in it. Avoiding him means changing the places I go, the things I do, the people I talk to. Our lives intersect, and I don't know how to change that. And I don't know how to be around him, either. I've clearly created a dilemma for myself. Or a prison. Either one. Stupid Labor Day. This wouldn't have happened if I'd been working.