Lately
I've been thinking about writing for quite some time, but just couldn't really articulate anything without feeling like an idiot. I've given up on that. I'm tired. I need a rest. Moving took a serious toll on me, especially with the moving crew of morons who showed up at my door four and a half hours late and didn't leave my house until 11pm. School started. Budget cuts have basically turned campus into a sort of warzone, where everyone seems to be waiting for the whole place to blow up at any moment. And it's 32% more expensive now than it was a year ago. Thanks, Arnold. You douche.
Work has been incredibly stressful. One of my co-workers burst into tears at least once last week, and another announced his plans to leave for good. It really ruined my day. I like my job, but I don't know what's going to happen next. With this guy leaving, that's going to leave a lot of extra work for someone to do. I'm already stretched so thin. I'm concerned about where things are going to go from here.
And then there's the boy. His GF came to town for two weeks, and during that time he and I communicated mainly through email and text messages. Then he invited me to his birthday party, where his brother started off the evening by asking me "What are you doing here?" and he basically ignored me most of the evening except for sometimes looking over the GF's head and winking at me. I found it incredibly upsetting. Since she left on Saturday, he and I have talked almost daily. Slept together Wednesday night. He called late, asked me to come over, we both knew what was going to happen. And it did. And will most likely continue to happen. It's strange that we are completely unable to resist one another, even though neither of us likes the way it's going down. Before she came out, we seemed to be forging some sort of relationship that had a future, that would include plans. Times Square on New Year's Eve has been mentioned a few times. So has my birthday. He even mentioned New Year's in front of the GF. I assumed they were going to break up. When I went to his house the other night, I realized how much she has infiltrated his life: buying plates, sheets, decorating, and other things I won't even bother to mention, even though it gave me an odd sort of vindication. She's not leaving, or at least doesn't appear to. And she has no idea what has been going on since before she ever met him or me. All three of us seem to be up against something that is so formidable, none of us can even begin to fathom it. Three people in a mess. I know that if she knew, it would destroy her, but for some reason it doesn't stop me. Maybe because when I see her, she says the most ridiculous things, I can't even believe that he can stand to be around her for longer than 10 minutes. She is a serious moron. At first I thought it was just me being bitchy, but recently I made a concerted effort to be nice to her, and not only is she incredibly socially awkward, laughing way too loud at her own jokes that aren't funny, saying things that are inappropriate, but she also says things that are so stupid I want to slap her across the face and tell her to shut the hell up. Plus she has cankles, which I've never had, and will never have. She is not in the same league as I am. Period. I'm not being conceited. Just saying.
Anyway, I have recently become aware of my impatience with everything: I have timetables in which I want things to happen, even if I have to ramrod them through some insane process to make them happen. Or not happen. Arbitrary deadlines: I have to know what's going on by this date. That sort of thing. I'm trying to get better at being patient. But I feel like life is passing me by. And this is an area where I feel most pressured. I'm almost 34 years old and I've yet to forge that relationship that I want. Sometimes with this guy I feel like I'm almost there; so close I can taste it. And then it seems to vanish and I want it back right away. People say move on, date other people, forget about him, whatever. But it's really not that simple. I already tried all of those things. I didn't talk to him for 8 months straight. When we did reconnect, it took a while for us to get back the old feelings from before. About a month. Then he's calling me regularly, coming to my house, and then we're making out. Then the girl comes and we don't talk for 2 months. Less than a week after she leaves, it all starts over. And then we're sleeping together, like nothing is amiss. Without missing a single step. Then I told him (again) how I felt. Then his mom got sick. Which oddly brought us closer together and further apart at the same time. Then the GF came back, which I already mentioned. While she was here, he had to euthanize his horse, which meant I couldn't be there. She doesn't like horses. I'm really the only one who can really understand what he's going through, which became apparent the other night when he randomly started talking about it for about five minutes before we started messing around. None of it makes any sense. There is a connection between us, but he seems hell bent on making sure it doesn't go anywhere, but I don't know why. It's not just sex.
Anyway, it's been very difficult to find a way to relax and just go day by day, but I'm trying. It might be different if I had someone to talk to, but it seems that all my friends are too busy for me. One moved away. One went on vacation. The rest are stressed at work. Or just incommunicado. I couldn't even find a friend to help me move, despite the fact that several people made the offer to me. Nothing makes you feel so alone as much as moving. I haven't had a single visitor to the new place. The boy did come to the old place and paint it for me, which was unbelievably generous of him. Like I said, it's not just sex. It's favors and trust and sharing and just hanging out.
In a week I'm sure I will be fine. But at the moment, I just want to stay in my new house (which is nearly impossible) and not do anything or see anyone. Actually live in my place for a while and relax and forget about all the things that are stressing me out. Mainly the boy.
So there you go. I'm unhappy. But I'm hoping it will all go away in just a few days.
p.s. My brother was in the hospital last week after falling out of a golf cart and hitting his head. He was airlifted to the hospital and spent a couple of days in ICU, but it doesn't look like there's any permanent mental or physical damage and he went home earlier this week. He should be fine. Just thought I would mention it.
Work has been incredibly stressful. One of my co-workers burst into tears at least once last week, and another announced his plans to leave for good. It really ruined my day. I like my job, but I don't know what's going to happen next. With this guy leaving, that's going to leave a lot of extra work for someone to do. I'm already stretched so thin. I'm concerned about where things are going to go from here.
And then there's the boy. His GF came to town for two weeks, and during that time he and I communicated mainly through email and text messages. Then he invited me to his birthday party, where his brother started off the evening by asking me "What are you doing here?" and he basically ignored me most of the evening except for sometimes looking over the GF's head and winking at me. I found it incredibly upsetting. Since she left on Saturday, he and I have talked almost daily. Slept together Wednesday night. He called late, asked me to come over, we both knew what was going to happen. And it did. And will most likely continue to happen. It's strange that we are completely unable to resist one another, even though neither of us likes the way it's going down. Before she came out, we seemed to be forging some sort of relationship that had a future, that would include plans. Times Square on New Year's Eve has been mentioned a few times. So has my birthday. He even mentioned New Year's in front of the GF. I assumed they were going to break up. When I went to his house the other night, I realized how much she has infiltrated his life: buying plates, sheets, decorating, and other things I won't even bother to mention, even though it gave me an odd sort of vindication. She's not leaving, or at least doesn't appear to. And she has no idea what has been going on since before she ever met him or me. All three of us seem to be up against something that is so formidable, none of us can even begin to fathom it. Three people in a mess. I know that if she knew, it would destroy her, but for some reason it doesn't stop me. Maybe because when I see her, she says the most ridiculous things, I can't even believe that he can stand to be around her for longer than 10 minutes. She is a serious moron. At first I thought it was just me being bitchy, but recently I made a concerted effort to be nice to her, and not only is she incredibly socially awkward, laughing way too loud at her own jokes that aren't funny, saying things that are inappropriate, but she also says things that are so stupid I want to slap her across the face and tell her to shut the hell up. Plus she has cankles, which I've never had, and will never have. She is not in the same league as I am. Period. I'm not being conceited. Just saying.
Anyway, I have recently become aware of my impatience with everything: I have timetables in which I want things to happen, even if I have to ramrod them through some insane process to make them happen. Or not happen. Arbitrary deadlines: I have to know what's going on by this date. That sort of thing. I'm trying to get better at being patient. But I feel like life is passing me by. And this is an area where I feel most pressured. I'm almost 34 years old and I've yet to forge that relationship that I want. Sometimes with this guy I feel like I'm almost there; so close I can taste it. And then it seems to vanish and I want it back right away. People say move on, date other people, forget about him, whatever. But it's really not that simple. I already tried all of those things. I didn't talk to him for 8 months straight. When we did reconnect, it took a while for us to get back the old feelings from before. About a month. Then he's calling me regularly, coming to my house, and then we're making out. Then the girl comes and we don't talk for 2 months. Less than a week after she leaves, it all starts over. And then we're sleeping together, like nothing is amiss. Without missing a single step. Then I told him (again) how I felt. Then his mom got sick. Which oddly brought us closer together and further apart at the same time. Then the GF came back, which I already mentioned. While she was here, he had to euthanize his horse, which meant I couldn't be there. She doesn't like horses. I'm really the only one who can really understand what he's going through, which became apparent the other night when he randomly started talking about it for about five minutes before we started messing around. None of it makes any sense. There is a connection between us, but he seems hell bent on making sure it doesn't go anywhere, but I don't know why. It's not just sex.
Anyway, it's been very difficult to find a way to relax and just go day by day, but I'm trying. It might be different if I had someone to talk to, but it seems that all my friends are too busy for me. One moved away. One went on vacation. The rest are stressed at work. Or just incommunicado. I couldn't even find a friend to help me move, despite the fact that several people made the offer to me. Nothing makes you feel so alone as much as moving. I haven't had a single visitor to the new place. The boy did come to the old place and paint it for me, which was unbelievably generous of him. Like I said, it's not just sex. It's favors and trust and sharing and just hanging out.
In a week I'm sure I will be fine. But at the moment, I just want to stay in my new house (which is nearly impossible) and not do anything or see anyone. Actually live in my place for a while and relax and forget about all the things that are stressing me out. Mainly the boy.
So there you go. I'm unhappy. But I'm hoping it will all go away in just a few days.
p.s. My brother was in the hospital last week after falling out of a golf cart and hitting his head. He was airlifted to the hospital and spent a couple of days in ICU, but it doesn't look like there's any permanent mental or physical damage and he went home earlier this week. He should be fine. Just thought I would mention it.
posted by Ocean | 11:53 PM
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