Musuem

I went to the museum to see my work today. It was pretty cool. I wish some of my friends would have cared enough to be there to see it with me. But of course, everyone is too busy. So I went with an old acquaintance who has always been nice to me, and sometimes I think he might be interested in me. We had a good time. He's one of those guys that I really wish I could be attracted to him, but I'm just not. He's nice, has a great job, great family, all that stuff. The kind of guy that would give a woman whatever she wants and provide a happy and comfortable life for her. But I just don't have it for him. I think his car is one of the most expensive cars I've ever been in, and he's smart; everything. And it's not enough. How strange are we? Am I? That what I want isn't perfect, but it's still what I want. I think about all the men I know, men I've been interested in, and they're all different. I had a crush on a guy last year who was super hot, smart, nice, and even had an accent. But he's still just a substitute for the guy I actually want to be with. What's up with that? And how do I make it so that he's not the guy I want to be with? He's clearly not the guy that wants to be with me. He's just a guy that kind of likes me. And I went over the edge. I keep telling myself that I'm not a crazy person, but I still feel kind of crazy. I lost it completely, and I didn't even know that was possible. And I spent all week feeling like crap and re-thinking everything that I remember and there's nothing to do about it. I'm still alone. And I can't talk to him. I keep thinking about what I would say to him if I even had the chance. I don't know. But the point is, even though I know he doesn't want to be with me, I don't want to be with anyone else. There is no one else out there for me. I'd have found alternatives by now if that were the case. Perhaps during the 8 months of last year that I didn't speak to him and went out with a lot of other guys. None of them interested me. Not even a little bit. And the time since then has been a rollercoaster of yes and no, of angry, happy and sad, and now here I am.

Just a little aside: it still pisses me off that none of the people who are supposed to be my friends have been here for me. He is the ONLY visitor I've had to my house since I've moved.

I hate being alone. The friend thing, it's annoying. And frustrating. And it makes me very sad. Because I'm realizing that he was not only some guy that I've loved for 4 years, but he's my best friend. HE is the one who is always there when things are tough. He is the one that makes me feel better when the cards are down. And now he's gone and I'm truly alone.

This sucks.